Works for me.
Comedian Jess Salomon’s Charter of Montreal values
The purpose of this Bill is to establish a Charter affirming the values of multiculturalism, bilingualism, and providing a framework for not accommodating unreasonable requests from Quebec City.
A further purpose of this Bill is to specify that Montréal is a distinct society made up of other distinct societies, made up of yet other distinct societies. We are all snowflakes inside of a Russian doll. Some of us are men that wear cut-off jean shorts at La Ronde; some of us like veils; some of us sport saris; and yes, some of us are actual Russian dolls looking for citizenship and “massage” clients. We do not judge. Overtly.
A further, further purpose of this Bill is to recall that equality between men and women and the separation of Church and State are guaranteed in the Canadian and Quebec Charters of Rights and Freedoms. Any legislation purporting to do the same thing is an unnecessary distraction from the economy and waste of taxpayer dollars. Montréal further rejects any legislative exercise that involves taking away rights to guarantee rights, because although we spend a lot of time at outdoor street festivals taking photos of clowns on stilts, we know a farce when we see one.
A further, further, further purpose of this Bill is to recall that religion is not contagious. You cannot catch religion from a circumcised penis, a halal kebab, or even from being treated at the Hôtel Dieu, although it is possible to catch religion in prison.
Lastly, the Provincial Government is required to identify an actual problem before legislating a solution. Parti Québécois policy will be accommodated when it is reasonable, that is when it is not formulated on the basis of paranoid delusions or for cynical political gain. Despite what Bill 60 seems to suggest, our only options are not pork at the cabane à sucre OR being ruled by Sharia Law.
There is no transition period. Bill 60.2 is to be implemented immediately. Anyone failing to implement this Bill is liable to be sentenced to a strict pure laine lifestyle including, but not limited to, a prohibition on access to hot ethnic people and hip hop.
THE CITY OF MONTRÉAL ENACTS AS FOLLOWS:
1. Montréal residents are entitled to a percentage of the profits made by the Orange Cone Company. This payment is “rent” for all the land they take up.
2. The number of parking-meter staff currently employed by the City will be cut in half. Those who are cut will be redeployed to fix potholes.
3. Montréal taxpayers will be the exclusive financial beneficiaries of a new EXTREME reality show where construction-company executives and mafia bosses are forced to live under the highway ramps they build.
1. There will be no limit placed on the number or kind of festivals held in Montréal.
2. NASCAR and Gay Pride will continue to be scheduled on the same weekend in perpetuity.
3. This Bill hereby creates the “Ostentatious Religious Ornament and Dress Festival” to be held at the Head Quarters of the Saint-Jean Baptiste Society.
1. Everyone is entitled to be who he or she is, in the public and private sector, unless they are Leafs Fans.
2. If they are Leafs Fans:
(a) They must keep their ostentatious jerseys in the closet, and
(b) Reconsider their worth as human beings.
3. At least one neighborhood must include a mix of Hassidic Jews, hipsters and lesbians, because it is good for the economy.
1. Everyone should be bilingual.
2. For real.
3. If an Anglophone speaks French to you, don’t switch to English (unless you are Anglo because it is weird when two Anglos speak French to each other).
4. If a Francophone speaks English to you, don’t switch to French (unless you are French, see above).
5. If an Allophone speaks English or French to you, don’t ask them where they are originally from.
1. Poutine must always be served with:
(a) melted curds,
(b) hot gravy, and be
1. Every resident is entitled to a monthly lap dance.
2. Monthly lap dances are exchangeable for poutine stamps.
3. Poutine stamps are exchangeable for 6/49 tickets.
FRAMEWORK FOR NOT ACCOMMODATING UNREASONABLE REQUESTS FROM QUEBEC CITY
1. Any request that is deemed unreasonable will not be accommodated.
2. Bill 60 is deemed unreasonable on the grounds that it violates the Canadian and Quebec Charters of Rights and Freedoms.
3. This framework shall herein be known as “Pulling a Jewish General.”
Giving credit where credit is due: