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Thread: SPs and personal relationships

  1. #1

    Question SPs and personal relationships

    This thread is to explore the difficulties of being an SP while being in a relationship with someone. Some of you have expressed no problems at handling this type of arrangement (Ronnie, Zaphyr), while others have expressed concerns with such an arrangement (Anik, Karma).

    How difficult is it to enjoy a 'regular' relationship while you're working as an SP? Please share some of your thoughts.

    GG

  2. #2
    Registered User
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    Don't get me wrong, sometimes it isn't easy being in a relationship and being an SP. Vince and I have worked it out, but it still takes work to keep the relationship going.

    I know he worries about me when I go to work (so you guys better behave or he will hunt you, and your family down )


    Ronnie,
    Naughtylady
    They will forget what you said,
    they will forget what you did,
    but they will never forget the way you made them feel.

  3. #3
    Hey Ronnie,

    Vince sounds like quite a guy (I mean that sincerely) good for you!

    I was once involved with a "part time" SP, we met at a club threw a mutual friend and she was very upfront with me about what she did on this side (she was in school at the time). I thought I could handle it, being Mr.Cool open minded man about town, BUT after about 2 months it was just too much for me.

    It was too bad, I really liked her but I just wasn't strong enough to handle the situation.
    Try everything in life at least once, except incest & maybe square dancing.

  4. #4
    The sweetest
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    I prefer not to be dating when I hobby (yeah I'm an sp but that's my hobby!). I find it too hard, and I don't know too many guys deeply in love that are ready to "share" if I can say. Way too complicated. Last time I was involved with someone , and that I had strong feeling for him, I took a long break form hobbying. I know everybody is different, but it is just not for me.

    And I am a way better sp when I'm single, trust me!

    Guys, I'm single!!

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by ChloeMontreal
    And I am a way better sp when I'm single, trust me!

    Guys, I'm single!!
    It's really too bad that I am not because I would do everything in my power to sweep you off your feet. Chloe, we have spoken before and I can tell that you wouldn't be able to handle a serious relationship and SPing. When you meet Mr. Lucky, you'll fall in love and I guarantee you won't miss SPing. But for now, enjoy being single!

    >>Ronnie, I wouldn't want Vince breathing down my neck but then again, I am a gentleman with just a little naughty streak!

    GG

  6. #6
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    GG>>> I can see the headlines:

    "Naughtylady meets a gentleman with just a little naughty streak!"

    Ronnie,
    Naughtylady
    They will forget what you said,
    they will forget what you did,
    but they will never forget the way you made them feel.

  7. #7
    Sr Member StripperLover's Avatar
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    Karma,

    Are you so sure that they're handling or mishandling it ?

    The superficial perception may be a ruse.

  8. #8
    Veteran of Misadventures
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    Karma,

    I have had the opposite occur to me, namely, sometimes when I am with an SP I have thoughts about a girlfriend, ex-girlfriend or even a platonic female friend whom I am attracted to. Many times with certain SPs I envision women I had crushes on in high school/college. I think if you accept this as a somewhat common phenomenon, it will make it easier to deal with.

  9. #9
    SL,

    I have to somewhat agree with you on this one. I just cannot fathom a relationship with an SP who continues to work. A 'normal' one is hard enough. I think we like to claim that you need to be strong to have these 'open relationships,' but I suspect that it is part of a defense mechanism where we fear losing a partner so we say, hey go for it, you're free to do as you wish. Also, it would bother a lot me not to have bareback sex with an SP/partner. My primary relationship needs to be a lot deeper than that on all levels.

    BTW, how many of you go to swingers' clubs? Here is another dumb concept that we have created to feed our insatiable need for something new and exciting.

    GG
    Last edited by General Gonad; 04-09-2006 at 11:57 AM.

  10. #10
    Veteran of Misadventures
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    Quote Originally Posted by Karma
    Maybe we are ashamed cause we've been told again and again we are not supposed, by the rules of our society (religion ?), to have sex with someone else when we are commited.
    Karma,

    Because I had a Catholic upbringing and schooling and was taught that premarital/extramarital sex was wrong, and I am generally someone who tries to do "the right thing" when faced with a moral choice, I did struggle with this when I first started hobbying. But eventually I got past it and realized that maybe everything I was taught growing up isn't necessarily right. Ultimately, I "personalized" my own sense of religious and cultural values. I also came to the realization, when I was in my late 20s or so, that I am simply not a monogamous man. Once I arrived at all of these realizations, I was never further troubled.

    I sense you are a younger person so your feelings are not unusual in this regard. Over the course of time you will either develop a comfort level, or not. I hope that you do.

  11. #11
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    SL>> Are you implying that a hobbiest is mishandling his relationship with his wife by hobbying?

    Ronnie,
    Naughtylady
    They will forget what you said,
    they will forget what you did,
    but they will never forget the way you made them feel.

  12. #12
    Working rage-aholic
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    Quote Originally Posted by EagerBeaver
    Karma,

    Because I had a Catholic upbringing and schooling and was taught that premarital/extramarital sex was wrong, and I am generally someone who tries to do "the right thing" when faced with a moral choice, I did struggle with this when I first started hobbying. But eventually I got past it and realized that maybe everything I was taught growing up isn't necessarily right. Ultimately, I "personalized" my own sense of religious and cultural values. I also came to the realization, when I was in my late 20s or so, that I am simply not a monogamous man. Once I arrived at all of these realizations, I was never further troubled.

    I sense you are a younger person so your feelings are not unusual in this regard. Over the course of time you will either develop a comfort level, or not. I hope that you do.
    Regarding your catholic upbringing, you have my condolences

    As far as monogamy goes, this is part of the problem with being a man in today's world. Men are promiscuous creatures. I hate to use the 'we are animals' argument, because we're not, but monogamy is the exception, not the norm for mammals. Marriage only emerged and took hold as a societal norm because thousands of years ago, it was too hard for a single person to raise a child. The institution of marriage was begun for survival. Maybe I'm warped because of my situation, but I think marriage is unnatural, at least for many.
    Why are homely people discriminated against...we're the majority

  13. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by naughtylady
    SL>> Are you implying that a hobbiest is mishandling his relationship with his wife by hobbying?

    Ronnie,
    Naughtylady
    Ronnie,

    I have a question for you: do you think your relationship would be better or worse if you both decided to commit to it exclusively? Think about it carefully.

    Now, I know I am mishandling my relationship by hobbying, avoiding constant confrontation and just not willing to deal with core issues that are really bothering me. It's not just about the lack of sex; I would be lying to myself and to all of you if I just focus on sex. The lack of sex to me is like dealing with constant rejection from the woman I love and it's emblematic of larger issues which I will not discuss here.

    I will respectfully disagree with Regnad's approach where he states that his marriage "would have ended long ago were it not for my hobbying." In that case, he should have done himself and his wife a favor and called it off long ago. But while it's easy to state the obvious, when you're living it, you want to do everything possible to avoid this route. I have gone through divorce once as a teenager seeing my parents go through it and I know it isn't easy.

    These days, I feel exasperated, frustrated and just generally down. It's not just my relationship, there are a lot of other issues. Like EB, I had a strong moral and religious upbringing and I get overwhelmed with feelings of profound shame and guilt. It's hard to look at myself in the mirror without asking myself: "Buddy, do you know where you're heading in life? What do you value the most? What would your parents think of your hobbying? Do you know you would be killing them? What do YOU really think of all this?"

    I have been lucky lately to meet some exceptional ladies - they are the type of women that I need to meet right now. But I do see a finality to my inner turmoil. In the end, we all have values that define us. I want to come back to those values and I get stronger and rebuild myself.

    Hobbying was something that I chose to do to deal with my crisis. I do not regret it but I am realizing that this cannot be my life choice to continue forever trying to find the "next gem". The only real gem in life is the one that one that you hold dear to your heart.

    Your searching for inner peace Merbite,

    GG

  14. #14

    Relationships: Too Easy To Leave

    Quote Originally Posted by regnad
    You're oversimplifying a complex issue that includes more than just the two of us, my friend. The relationship while quite far from perfect, as you know, but we continue to work on it. As you also know, I've been quite ready to bail on it a number of times over the past few weeks.

    Whether we'll weather this and grow into something fulfilling that will take us into our old ages together I still don't know. What I do know is that without the release that I find in Montreal, the situation would have come to a head long ago, leaving an unattractive wake. (And, of course, the fun involved, which, I must confess, I enjoy utterly without guilt or second thoughts.)
    Regnad,

    I wasn't implying it's simple; I know it's a lot harder to leave when kids are in the way. As far as my moments of profound guilt and shame, they do not consume or cripple me. I also enjoy my encounters and take them as a way to take a break from life. I have been carefully selecting ladies that will offer me more than just sex. I just do not want this to be a permanent staple of my life.

    Now, I don't know if you'll "weather the storm," but give it a chance. I read this article this morning and it made me think a lot about my relationship, maybe it will help you as well:

    Relationships: Too Easy To Leave
    by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.


    Katheryn and Mathew, both in their 50ís, have been together for two years. Both have been previously married and divorced. When they met, they fell madly in love, which lasted for a few months. Then the conflicts started.

    Both Katheryn and Mathew left their marriages because they were with partners who were completely unwilling to open to learning regarding the conflicts. Both Katheryn and Mathew wanted to find a partner who would learn and grow with them. They found each other at a personal growth seminar.

    However, each time a conflict occurs, which is often at this point in their relationship, they both threaten to leave. Katheryn is consistently yelling, ďIím had it! Iím leaving!Ē while Mathew yells, ďWhy donít you just leave!Ē They each have a foot out the door.

    Katheryn and Mathew are stuck in a typical control-resist relationship system. Katheryn wants to leave because she is so frustrated by Mathewís constant withdrawal and resistance, while Mathew wants to leave because he canít stand Katherynís constant attempts to control him and make him responsible for her feelings.

    Leaving is a waste of time for Katheryn and Mathew. Actually, these two people have exactly what they asked for Ė someone to learn and grow with. Both Katheryn and Mathew are willing to learn and explore at some point after the conflict. Each are slowly becoming more aware of their end of their dysfunctional relationship system. If they leave, they have no one to come up against, no one who triggers their issues, so their issues will not be addressed until they are in another relationship. Then the same issues will surface.

    The people I work with often believe that it would be easier to start over with someone else, or easier to be alone. I assure them that, in my experience, all learning and growing relationships are very challenging Ė that all couples who desire to create a really wonderful and loving relationship have to go through the trenches of healing their woundedness within the relationship. It may be easier to be alone, but itís lonely and the major relationship issues never get healed.

    If you are a person who deeply desires to continue your emotional and spiritual growth, and you are with a partner who also desires this, than DONíT LEAVE. No matter how bad the fights get or the distance gets Ė except if there is continued physical violence - keep at it. Itís too easy to leave, to easy to blame the other person, too easy to miss the incredible opportunity that relationships provide for healing and growth.

    Itís especially important to hang in there when children are involved. Iím not saying to stay just for the children. If you are with a physically violent partner, or a partner who has no desire to take any personal responsibility, or a substance abuser who has no desire to heal from his or her addiction, then you may need to leave. But if you have a partner who is on a growth path, who is willing to explore with you, who is willing to have counseling with you, who is willing to learn to take responsibility for him or herself, then leaving is not the answer. No matter how difficult things get at times, you have a responsibility to yourself, your partner, your family, as well as to the whole of humanity to do the learning you came to this planet to do.

    If you are fortunate enough to be with a partner who is, at least at some of the time, opens to learning with you, you are fortunate indeed. The relationship will take you to the depths of your dark side and to the heights of your ability to love. It will take you where you need to go, so donít give up just because itís so hard. The challenge is to be doing a daily Inner Bonding practice of going within, connecting with yourself and with Spirit, and learning what it means to move beyond control, beyond resistance, beyond punishing the other, beyond threats and bullying, beyond blame, beyond being victim, beyond compliance, and beyond fear. The challenge is to be healing your wounded self and developing your loving adult, which occurs in growing relationships when both people are devoted to becoming loving adults. The challenge is to be guided more and more by your spiritual Guidance and less and less by your ego/wounded self.

    Even if you think that you are open and your partner isnít, it would be in your highest good to stay in the relationship until you are able to remain loving to yourself and your partner no matter what your partner is doing. As long as you are triggered by your partnerís behavior, your healing is not complete and there is no point in leaving. If you reach a point where you are no longer triggered by your partnerís behavior, you might discover that your partner has also changed, even though you believed he or she was not open to learning and growing. If your partner remains closed and there is really nothing more for you to learn, then it might be time for you to leave.

    Get both feet in there and do your inner work before even thinking about leaving. Donít let your wounded self decide your relationship for you. Donít leave until you know that you are fully guided to do so from a spiritual source of wisdom and truth. Donít waste this opportunity to evolve your soul in love.

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Zaphyr
    I really think that our relationship would be a lot worse if we committed to each other. One of the main reasons why so many couples break is that they donít feel free to do anything with their sexual drives toward other persons. Whether they choose to have an affair, or to meet escorts, and feel guilty about that, or they feel oppressed with their loved one. In both cases itís very hard to deal with those feelings.
    Zaphyr
    Zaphyr,

    Thanks for sharing but I am not convinced that these open relationships are more solid than the ones most of us clients have. Let me explain. I wonder about a man's character when he knows that his primary partner is sleeping with others and is perfectly fine with it. By the same token, I also question a married man that hobbies and never experiences a shred of guilt. Both behaviors are pathological to me.

    Unlike Ronnie who is dating a much younger man, which has its own complications (anyone seen the movie Prime?), you are both quite young and still discovering yourselves. I wonder if your husband has the self-confidence to actually deal with this line of work you have chosen. Is it slowly killing him but he is too scared to lose you, so he lies and tells you it's perfectly fine with him? Perhaps you're doing the same thing? Because those lies are even worse then a married man lying to his wife to get sex on the side. Those lies are like an incurable, malignant cancer that sooner or later will destroy you.

    I am not here to criticize you or anyone in an open relationship but I just find it very, very difficult to believe that all is fine most of the times because "we are brutally honest with each other." Sometimes you're better off not knowing the whole truth.

    GG

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