This was posted on another internet group that I belong to.
I'm a big fan of open relationships, but elas am not in one myself. I'm
curious about your lifestyle and how you feel about engaging with
someone who has discretionary requirements?
===== the persons reply:
Interesting that you use the word discretionary, which means exercised
at one's individual choice or judgment, when you really mean discreet
which means having or showing good judgment as well as
unobtrusive/unnoticeable. Because as far as I'm concerned cheating shows
remarkable bad judgment and takes away the choices from one's partner.
And getting involved with someone who's cheating also shows bad judgment
whether you're monogamous or poly. If you are monogamous, supposedly you
value sexual fidelity, but you are being cheated on every time that
person is with his wife. Even if they leave their partner eventually,
odds are they'll cheat on you too. If you are poly, then you are
choosing to get involved with someone who has proven that they can't do
honesty in a relationship and poly can't work without honesty. It's a
losing proposition all around.
This Is how I responded:
Speaking as a sex worker, I speak with many men who cheat. I agree with
you that cheating shows a lack of respect for the relationship, a lack
of trust (in the sense that they assume that she will not understand)
selfishness, a lack of self control, and sometimes arrogance and
I do not agree that it automatically signals a lack of love and respect
for the partner. I have met men who love a partner who only understands
monogamy and does not fill their needs. For example: A couple who
married young, both virgins; she kept her strict Roman Catholic values
and he needs more sex than only for procreation. Generally in a case
like the example I just gave, he feels guilty for having sexual needs
and for cheating but he does love her and all other parts of the
relationship are good. (As we all know a relationship is so much more
While most of my clients are single (surprise!) those who are attached
generally are afraid of talking about their sexual needs with their
partner. They are afraid of rejection and ridicule if they tell their
partner their fantasies. They are afraid of being labelled kinky or
perverted. Those needs and fantasies may be quite tame by our standards
(oral sex or doggy-style) but if it never happened in the relationship,
expressing that desire can be scary. Many people are simply not brave
enough to express their needs, desires, and fantasies to their partner.
Others think that what they want is too kinky or perverted to suggest to
someone they love and respect. Sort of an "I am a pervert married to
this wonderful woman and if she finds out she will leave me," type of
Personally honesty in my relationships is of the utmost importance. I
give and expect honesty in all my relationships. I have been betrayed,
some of you here were there for me for that. And I know the pain that
comes with it...