I managed to slow down, and almost stop hobbying for a couple of months. The excitement wore down. I settled back into my life. I didn't miss it...much. Best of all, I spent more time with my son. I became friends with my estranged wife, even though the marriage is clearly over. I reconnected with friends. I had good stories to tell.
Then, comes this week. I'm back in Montreal, and in a few minutes Chloe will knock on my door. I am an addict. The excitement seems to be just too goddamn much. Later on, I'm seeing another SP, then tomorrow probably two more, and Tuesday I'm getting a massage from Camilla at Spa Isis. I'm binging like an alcoholic.
Last week, my wife observed that I have a very addictive personality. No shit, I thought. Then I thought, when I wasn't hobbying, I was searching for other addictions. First it was sports. Then I rediscovered my teenage hobby (it was never an obsession) of hunting. I hadn't owned a gun in about eight years. I bought one. Then another. Then last week, I bought a 30-06 with a scope, but it was a cheaper model, so I returned it and got a really nice Remington 7mm, for bigger game, like Moose, or, when I go west, elk and bear.
When I was younger, my addiction was hiking, probably the healthiest addiction I've had psychologically as well as physically. There are actually lists of mountains in New Hampshire and New England that people climb. Mountains over 4,000 feet, the hundred highest, etc. It's called peakbagging. When you finish one list, you start another. Again, a mindless addiction. You end climbing mountains you don't want to climb just because they're on a list.
The year before last it was skiing. Must've skiied seven or eight ski areas in one season.
It struck home when I realized I may not have ever enjoyed a 'moment' in my life. For me at least, the moment is nothing. It's the excitement of whatever comes next. What is it about some people that makes us so driven and single minded? GG hinted at this in his coda, but I wonder when do we cross that fine line between a hobby (of any kind) and addiction? I know I crossed it the FIRST time I saw an escort, Gisele of Satindreamz, about five months ago.
I think it might be okay if I could just settle down and at least enjoy myself totally in the moment, but when Chloe is here, I'll probably just be wondering who I can see tomorrow night. (Well, actually, I will enjoy it, preoccupied or not )
I find myself so caught up wanting the moment to last that I forget to appreciate the moment I'm in...