Results 1 to 11 of 11

Thread: FBI uncovers new terrorist plot targeting 40 US planes.

  1. #1

    Arrow FBI uncovers new terrorist plot targeting 40 US planes.

    A fellow hobbyist was too shy to post this but I found it too important:

    FBI uncovers new terrorist plot targeting 40 US planes.

    In a news conference this morning, FBI Director Robert Mueller announced the discovery of a new terrorist plot that would have targeted up to 40 US airliners.

    “In what is a clear validation of the federal government's data mining operations, our agents uncovered unusual purchases of personal lubricants such as KY and Astroglide by unmarried young women of the Islamic faith," Mr. Mueller said. Based on this information and the known fact that Moslem women remain virgins until their marriage, the FBI obtained warrants and proceeded to install surveillance cameras in these women's homes, who numbered exactly forty, according to Mr. Mueller.

    “Our agents discovered that these lubricants were being used by the alleged terrorists to facilitate the insertion of cigar shaped objects into their bodily cavities," Mr. Mueller continued. The FBI has determined that this was a dry run for a terrorist plot whereby these women would board planes with powerful explosives tucked in their bodily cavities, to be detonated in midair. The FBI believes that the involvement of forty women is very significant. "We believe these women wanted to go to paradise as a group of forty virgins to meet male martyrs," Mr. Mueller said. When asked why the terrorists would use women for such a plot, he replied that according to FBI analysts, women can carry twice as much explosives as men.

    At the same conference, Michael Chertoff, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced an immediate elevation of the aviation threat level to RED for all flights originating in the USA. "Effective immediately, all passengers will have to submit to body cavity searches. We know that this will be an inconvenience to travelers, but the security of the public and our transportation system is our primary concern. We have transferred more than 20,000 prison guards from federal and state penitentiaries to this country's airports. These brave men and women have years of experience dealing with these kind of searches and they have been given instructions to make it as pleasant an experience as could be possible under the circumstances," Secretary Chertoff said.

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Toronto
    Posts
    446
    Hilarious

  3. #3
    Veteran of Misadventures
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    U.S.A.
    Posts
    13,133
    This is a bogus report, there is no such report in any major news outlet that I can find.

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Montreal
    Posts
    734
    Beav' of Course...i had an inkling it was a late April Fool's joke halfway through, but as soon as GG wrote about the 20 000 prison guards, his "story" revealed itself...

  5. #5
    Working rage-aholic
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    a rocky planet with one moon
    Posts
    863
    Quote Originally Posted by EagerBeaver
    This is a bogus report, there is no such report in any major news outlet that I can find.
    Duh.


    Way to go, GG. I bet if the administration came out with a report like this, enough people would buy into it to see his poll numbers rise. They should try it.

    You also, while joking, make a good point about the governments answer to everything being manpower and money instead of intelligence....20,000 prison guards at the airports wouldn't stop shit

    Anyway, this may be no more of a joke than the 'plot' uncovered in Miami a while back. The terrorists there were supposedly going to pan handlet the cash for weapons. Everyday I try to decide if the world is simply fucking sad or hilarious...all a matter of pov.
    Last edited by btyger; 08-23-2006 at 12:21 PM.
    Why are homely people discriminated against...we're the majority

  6. #6
    Veteran of Misadventures
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    U.S.A.
    Posts
    13,133
    I must admit that I sort of quickly read the post when GG posted it and missed the part about the transfer of 20,000 guards.

    However I am not sure that this is something we should be joking about. Apart from insulting the memory of the 9/11 victims, we are facing some very serious new problems with airline travel, based on very real threats by real terrorists who have no respect for their own lives and much less for General Gonad's, or anyone else's on this Board.

  7. #7
    Working rage-aholic
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    a rocky planet with one moon
    Posts
    863
    Quote Originally Posted by Roland
    GG and EB, this is too funny.
    My turn now:
    KY in the Sky ..Mile high club sticks it to the Bush... ......or my favorite...body cavity searches find cigar shaped objects primed for explosive climax !
    LMFAO

    EB, this is why I say it all comes down to a matter of pov. Is the world a tragic place I should be horrified to have my son grow up in? Or is it full of people so sick the only thing you can do is laugh at them?

    I think we shold we send this email right to Bin Laden...(I bet we find him before the FBI, CIA or any other government agency does) you're a laughinstock, pal. A loser in a cave. You weren't even one of your father's favorite kids. Fuck you, Osama. You're nothing but an ugly, 6'6 arab beanpole with a stupid fucking towel on your head.
    I bet you haven't been laid in twenty years, if ever, and if Whitney Houston came across you, she'd laugh at your small penis and spit in your ugly face.

    I really believe that the more we alter our lives, the more the terrorists win. They can't hope to destroy the entire US and kill everyone in it. They don't have the means. So they'll scare us into destroying ourselves. That's the point of terrorism. If we do what they want, they win. Fuck em. I feel better already. Maybe I don't need to see Amy from Devilish tonight...nah, I do.
    Why are homely people discriminated against...we're the majority

  8. #8

    Who You Gonna Call

    It's not funny.

    American blood and money are being spilled around the world to keep us safe.

    The latest plot at Heathrow was targeted to kill thousands.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by EagerBeaver
    However I am not sure that this is something we should be joking about. Apart from insulting the memory of the 9/11 victims, we are facing some very serious new problems with airline travel, based on very real threats by real terrorists who have no respect for their own lives and much less for General Gonad's, or anyone else's on this Board.
    EB,

    This wasn't my text but neither I nor the author would make fun of 9/11. He was poking fun at the culture of fear that has pervades America since 9/11. We both see it as absurd, fully cognizant of the imminent threats that exist out there.

    If the United States really wants to curb terrorism, they should revamp their foreign policy.

    GG
    Last edited by General Gonad; 08-24-2006 at 08:25 AM.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •