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Thread: Vice Guide to Eating Pussy

  1. #1

    Vice Guide to Eating Pussy

    One more that's fun to read and informative. I hope people will chime in and share their advice (Hey, we can all learn something new) and we certainly want to hear from the ladies on the board!


    Vice Guide to Eating Pussy
    by GAVIN MCINNES
    from viceland.com

    Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they donít like it but because itís really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so itís time we broke it down. Like this.

    The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you canít read the emotional road signs, youíre going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.

    Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, ďalthough I am about to rock your insides with 3 000 lbs. of explosives, hereís a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.Ē Instead of screaming ďOH MY GOD!!Ē like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous ďooohmygodohmygod-ohmygod.Ē Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (thatís French for ďeat,Ē you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or one of those Flake adverts.

    Break it down!

    BE DOWN

    Donít go down unless youíre down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you donít want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven.

    DONíT SAY HI TO DRY

    A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all thatís needed to get the honey dripping.

    Once youíre sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. Thereís nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure sheís really begging for it before you get under the covers.

    Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.

    Important: Donít play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a womanís pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

    SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY

    Once sheís lathered up, itís time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and donít touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like youíre going away on vacation.

    Though itís very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.

    Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Donít get carried away with those stupid tits, though. Thatís something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now itís all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her pussy, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.

    When youíre just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Donít spend too long there or she might start to think that you think thatís the actual pussy.

    By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If youíre doing it right, sheíll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like sheís been holding her breath for three days.

    Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think youíre having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all knows that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steaminí crawdaddies.

    Important: Never bite the pussy in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

    PARTING THE RED SEAS

    Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what cavities are to dental hygiene. Youíre never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.

    (continued...)
    Amantes sunt amentes.

  2. #2

    Vice Guide to Eating Pussy (Part 2)

    (...continued)

    THE GRAND ENTRANCE

    Do your first lick super slow. Itís good to groan and moan too. It shows youíre digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these ďSt. Bernard licksĒ before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If itís real sensitive sheíll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means youíre probably in for an easy ride. If thereís no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and youíre in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis.

    ROCK THE BOAT

    Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If youíre getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard whoís boss.

    After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. Heís surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden youíre giving the pee hole the seeing to of its life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes. When you push down on the area heís the only one that canít be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.

    Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

    IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE

    After the slow licks itís time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that donít. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.

    Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesnít really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and ďOh my GodĒ means bring it on.

    CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER

    These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now heís on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. Heís not going to tell you shit because heís a clit and he has no idea what youíre talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like itís too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but itís a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.

    As youíre closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. Youíre almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.

    Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.

    Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isnít over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If sheís multi-orgasmic youíll have to keep going until youíve done the whole routine another four or five times. If youíre not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.

    CLITS THAT DONíT

    Some clits donít want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If youíre getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesnít cum, youíre going to be in a foul mood, so if itís too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.

    THE CONCLUSION

    Once youíre done (totally finished) sheís going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you donít move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.
    Amantes sunt amentes.

  3. #3
    I am me, too!
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    LOL!!

    Funny!

    I haven't met much clits who liked being banged around... Most I met like to start slow and after a while, they prefer indirect flattery before they spill the goods.

  4. #4

    Post Extra Bonus Tracks

    EXTRA BONUS TRACKS from the Vice Guide to Sex Drugs and Rock And Roll

    Getting Fired
    If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, youíve just been sacked. Sheíll tell you she never cums from that anyway, but the truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a jolly good rogering and look at the whole thing a s learning experience. Later you can ask what the problem was so you can get it right next time. If youíre really lame, you can ask for a regular play-by-play from the broadcast booth. A bit of the old ďslow-down-youíre-going-too-fast-yeah-there-like-that-oh-thatís-perfectĒ can turn even the John Wayne Bobbitt of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.

    The Power Lunch
    Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused, but itís a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a but and it reminds her neglected clitoris that heís a somebody. If after a few seconds she still isnít into it, can save face by pretending you just couldnít resists. Give it up and get to the boff.
    Extra tip: Unless you like the taste of your own latex-covered dink, keep your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the hole.

    The Bottom
    Fingers: If you are dealing with a particularly saucy vixen she may want something in her bum. Thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be save until the end. Incidentally, if youíre trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing, try eking it in during orgasm. If it doesnít wreck everything you could have a Pavlovian response on your hands for the rest of the relationship.
    Hole: Weíre not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this section because if youíre into that, youíre way too advanced for this seminar and should have graduated with a PhD in pussy years ago.
    Cheeks: Bum-cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred thousand nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a slap while you lick the pussy will get you instant results.

    The Double Whammy
    Though some idiots (like us) say it takes away from when you actually put in the dink, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her mind, Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunnilingus.

    Being Knackered
    Tongue exhaustion is the number-one cause of abandoned mange-ing, but there are many ways to avoid it. Like we said, using your tongue as an inanimate object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as it can go and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it around the pussy using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply to use your fingers on the clit while you give your mouth a rest.
    Amantes sunt amentes.

  5. #5
    Recreational User
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    Vice and Plagerism

    Quote Originally Posted by Agrippa
    Vice Guide to Eating Pussy
    by GAVIN MCINNES
    from viceland.com
    Busted! First 'How to fuck a stripper' and now this! Both are rip-offs of other pieces found on the net; this latest being from alt.sex.* or something like that; I spotted several passages that were lifted directly from an FAQ I read about 12 years ago, the rest of this is a re-write of that same guide.

    I can't find it at the moment but when I do, I think I'll drop a note to the guys at Vice for comment, not that they will give a damn.
    You are cordially invited to toss my salad. There's an app for that!

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by YouVantOption
    [...]I spotted several passages that were lifted directly from an FAQ I read about 12 years ago [...] I think I'll drop a note to the guys at Vice for comment, not that they will give a damn.
    Read it, for what it's worth (I think it's worth something, otherwise I wouldn't have reposted it here...), and leave it at that.

    Don't waste your time, Vice (probably Gavin himself) will call you a sock-and-sanadal wearing homo and feature you in the Dont's...

    Thanks Roland!
    Amantes sunt amentes.

  7. #7
    Recreational User
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    Quote Originally Posted by Agrippa
    Read it, for what it's worth (I think it's worth something, otherwise I wouldn't have reposted it here...), and leave it at that.

    Don't waste your time, Vice (probably Gavin himself) will call you a sock-and-sanadal wearing homo and feature you in the Dont's...
    Sure, I am just kind of saddened that Vice has dried up so much that they have to be sneaking around the net stealing other people's stuff to fill content. Maybe they can start lifting/'re-writing' some old National Lampoon or Spy material? I guess they just couldn't find any good, funny writers in, where is it they are located again? Oh right, New York City.

    I've known the Vice guys peripherally since they were Montrealers. being from here doesn't mean that they aren't total pussies for stealing material, and I could care less if they name-call if their plagerism is pointed out to them. If that is their reaction for real, it is a clear indication that someone should stick a fork in their collective asses. They are truly done.
    You are cordially invited to toss my salad. There's an app for that!

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