One more that's fun to read and informative. I hope people will chime in and share their advice (Hey, we can all learn something new) and we certainly want to hear from the ladies on the board!
Vice Guide to Eating Pussy
by GAVIN MCINNES
Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they donít like it but because itís really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so itís time we broke it down. Like this.
The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you canít read the emotional road signs, youíre going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.
Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, ďalthough I am about to rock your insides with 3 000 lbs. of explosives, hereís a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.Ē Instead of screaming ďOH MY GOD!!Ē like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous ďooohmygodohmygod-ohmygod.Ē Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (thatís French for ďeat,Ē you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or one of those Flake adverts.
Break it down!
Donít go down unless youíre down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you donít want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven.
DONíT SAY HI TO DRY
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all thatís needed to get the honey dripping.
Once youíre sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. Thereís nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure sheís really begging for it before you get under the covers.
Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.
Important: Donít play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a womanís pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.
SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY
Once sheís lathered up, itís time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and donít touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like youíre going away on vacation.
Though itís very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.
Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Donít get carried away with those stupid tits, though. Thatís something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now itís all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her pussy, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.
When youíre just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Donít spend too long there or she might start to think that you think thatís the actual pussy.
By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If youíre doing it right, sheíll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like sheís been holding her breath for three days.
Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think youíre having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all knows that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steaminí crawdaddies.
Important: Never bite the pussy in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.
PARTING THE RED SEAS
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what cavities are to dental hygiene. Youíre never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.