Where to begin...
I'm posting this as kind of a resolution to myself. To no longer visit MPs or SPs. I have been trying to quit the hobby for some time now, and like an addiction, I've always found an excuse to go for one more visit, to try to find that gem out there, or to top my last experience.
The reality is, I will never find it. I've come to realise that this hobby can become an addiction. One that, like drinking or drugs, can be very hard to quit. Even more so in some respects because it can be considered a "harmless" addiction. Sure there are some health concerns, but by and large, the activities of a hobbyist are between two consenting adults and don't bother anyone.
After doing some research on the topic, I came accross some signs that you might be an addict...some of the more prevelant ones in my case were:
- Recurrent failure (pattern) to resist impulses to engage in specific sexual behavior
- engaging in those behaviors to a greater extent or over a longer period of time than intended
- Persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce, or control those behaviors
- Preoccupation with the behavior or preparatory activities
I have not been one to frequent MPs & SPs often, but I know it's an addiction because it's been several years now, and I'm still participating in it despite wanting to stop. The reason why I struggle with this hobby is because at it's core, I find it goes against my morals. Yet, my sexual urge has such a power over me that I always make excuses, or fool myself into thinking there is nothing wrong with this hobby. I'll tell myself, don't think, just act. And off I go.
Yet every time without fail, immediately after the so called release, I feel ashamed, disgusted, depressed, angry, pathetic, etc, and I just want to get outta there as fast as I can. I'll tell myself on the way home, "this is the last time. Why do I do this? Never again!" But then I will lapse, and to make me forget about those feelings, I go back to what makes me feel good - searching for the next hottest woman out there to visit. And lately the usual hasn't been enough for me to "get my fix", so I fear I will start searching new, more adventerous, and possibly more dangerous ways to become satisfied. It's this cycle that I've got to break.
Recently I've come to realize the power of masterbation in helping me overcome this. I've still been searching on merb and browsing the web for hotties, but I've been taking matters into my own hands so to speak. And usually a few minutes later, I'm glad I did. I saved hundreds of dollars, I've got the rest of my day/night to do something productive, and I feel a lot less ashamed than when you finish with a complete stranger, void of any feelings or intimacy.
I've thought about getting professional help with this, because I do think it's a legitimate addiction, but to be brutally honest, I'm still a bit too proud to take that road - yet.
I'm hoping that by laying it out here, it will be a reminder of the commitment to myself. I consider myself a smart person, who has made some stupid decisions in life. I must find the strength and the will power to overcome this in my life or it is destined to ruin me, financially, socially and personally.
"Whether you think you can or can't, you're right"