Vice Guide to Female Ejaculation
from the Vice Guide to Sex and Drugs and Rock And Roll
by Amy Kellner
Until recently, female squirting has mostly been considered a somewhat dubious fetish, even comprising its own subgenre of straight porn with such unappealing titles as Gushing Orgasms and (I'm not even kidding) Stinky Stained Perverse Squirting Party. If you watch these videos you'd probably think it's all a big sham, like these chicks either just stuck a hose up there and are squirting out water, or perhaps they're simply peeing. It's not a sham. It's fun, and you know more about it than you think.
Chances are if you've ever felt like you were gonna pee during sex, what you were really feeling were the beginnings of an ejaculation, which is precisely why squirting for the first time can be so alarming. You're all like, "Holy shit, did I just pee myself? Am I some kind of big perv?" Well yeah, you are a perv, but not because you're a golden showers queen. You're a perv because you're a squirter.
Congratulations! You will now be able to impress family and friends with your new-found ability to shoot like a dude. It's even better than boring old male ejaculation, because if you stick your nose in the stuff, you'll notice that it is pretty much odorless and watery-clear. I don't know where it got this "don't be grossed out" reputation. A lot of the material on the subject, for example, suggests placing absorbent bed pads or wee-wee pads (for house-training puppies) underneath you to soak up the splooge. That sounds like one whopping mood-killer to me. The stuff is so non-staining that you can basically marinate your entire mattress in it and no one will be the wiser.
So what exactly is this substance? Basically it's like semen, minus the sperm. It's not entirely clear what it's made of (doctors are too busy inventing Viagra and curing prostate cancer, instead of just cutting the damn things off like infected breasts), but I hear there's some protein and glucose in it. It's an ejaculate fluid created by ducts in the paraurethral gland located within the urethral sponge, otherwise known as the G-spot. The G-spot is neither a myth nor a mysterious, magical locale that only men wearing velour sweatsuits and gold chains can find. It's kind of like the equivalent of the prostate gland, and it's easy to locate. If you stick your finger in your vagina and make a "come here" gesture, you'll notice a spongy, bumpy area on the upper wall an inch or two in from the opening. That's it. If you or your partner rub that area in a motion like you're gently trying to squeeze out the fluid (most often combined with your regular clitoral stimulation), you can totally female ejaculate. You just have to relax and if it feels like you're gonna pee, don't hold it in. Use your muscles to push it out. You'll probably feel a watery rush or release of some kind that's different from a solely clitoral orgasm. It's different for everyone, but if you pay attention, you'll soon learn to recognize the signs for yourself.
Oh yeah, it also helps to tone your PC (or Kegel) muscles. You see, it turns out that the clitoris is actually much larger than the little nub that we all know and love. The erectile tissue of the clit extends all around the urethra, and by exercising your PC muscles (the muscles that cut off the flow of urine), you can learn to control your squirting. Even if your PC muscles have been hitherto ignored, you can still female ejaculate, except you probably won't shoot very far. It'll be more like a trickling or a subtle seepage, which is fine too. Did you ever notice that occasionally after some hard fucking there'll be a wet spot under you? That ain't butt sweat. You've probably female ejaculated a little bit and didn't even know it.
Don't be discouraged by all this talk of fountain-like spurts. It's mostly the seasoned pros who are the ones you read about having squirting contests to see who can shoot the farthest or the highest (read lezzie sexpert Tristan Taormino's account of such an event in Pucker Up). The pros suggest doing 100 flexes daily, which sounds like a lot, but since it's invisible to others, you can do them anywhere—while driving, waiting in line at the grocery store, talking to your mom on the phone, etc. Personally though, I can't do more than twenty without starting to get all horny.
Does this all sound confusing? It might help to rent this instructional video called How to Female Ejaculate. Your local woman-run sex shop should have a copy of this definitive female ejaculation primer. Plus, the video is hilarious. It's narrated by this crazy lady named Fanny Fatale, who is the publisher of lezzie sex rag On Our Backs and a director for Fatale Videos, makers of quality lezzie porn. She wears aviator glasses and a purple blazer as she soothingly intones advice like, "Dancing exercises the PC muscles, especially African, striptease, and belly dancing!" She talks like a spaced-out sex-ed teacher who's really happy with her job, and we get to see a close-up of her vagina, spread open with a speculum, as she calmly points out the G-spot for us and demonstrates flexing it. I should emphasize that this video is hardly erotic, unless your idea of erotic is four older women who look like your mom lying around on towels discussing the sociopolitical aspects of squirting while a scary-looking, skinny S&M lady sticks out her tongue all pointy and shoots all the way across the room. (My favorite part is when this one woman describes the taste of female ejaculate as a mixture of buttery popcorn and seaweed. The other women are all like, "Uh, not really.")
With just a bit of research and effort, you will be giving out pearl necklaces like a rich Italian. Be a pioneer! Grab some videos. Get your fingers in there and embrace the exciting future of sex.