AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their
features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-
control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because
he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all
people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. This brings me to the
reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have
a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness- actual smiling,
laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlza and lock yourself
in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I
will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX