the GFE myth and a defense of self-indulgence
In writing this post, I realize two things: first, that these issues have been discussed before; and second, that many will disagree. Nevertheless, I have found this forum to be the site of many threads that are impressively thoughtful and engaging, so, for the sake of dialogue or argument, I want to consider a couple philosophies of hobbying, and make a case against the idea of “GFE.” (And I apologize up front for my pedantic style.) I’ll begin by acknowledging my own standpoint: I am happily married and have no interest in having a girlfriend or in romantic intimacy with an escort. I enjoy the physical pleasures of a few hours spent with a great escort whose job it is to make me feel good.
This post begins in response to a number of other recent posts, notably a few intelligent members decrying the lack of ‘respect’ shown to sps on the board; they felt that asking about specific acts, for example greek, was inappropriate because it demeaned the women. Instead, one member argued, we should be emphasizing sensuality, intimacy, and mutual adult pleasure. This is a fine approach and I am not arguing against it or the posters. But I do want to suggest that the idea of GFE may be inherently flawed and may be, at least in the abstract, no more “respectful” than a purely sexual encounter, even one in which the pleasure is one-sided.
First, GFE, when it is meant to convey more than a specific set of acts (in which case it is merely code for a menu), does not mean authentic intimacy but rather the simulation of intimacy. It is a fantasy of what a girlfriend is, not a reality; one is paying a woman to *act* intimately. As a fantasy, that’s fine; and sometimes it’s possible that the “connection” is there; but none of this can belie the basic reality that it is a constructed event. One is paying a woman to act as if she is not being paid. The client may be genuine in desiring to show interest and to provide pleasure; but despite whatever pleasure the escort receives, it remains a business transaction, not a romantic/friendship one. The intimacy can never be balanced or equal, because of the simple fact that one is paying and one is being paid. (If it really were that good for her, she would repeat gratis.) Again: to the extent that it makes a client happy or aroused, that’s fine; but it is, self-evidently, an “experience,” not the real thing.
Second, it seems to me entirely reasonable to accept the pecuniary nature of the transaction for what it is. I see nothing wrong with one person providing pleasure to another in return for compensation. The problem is with our culture, not with the actions themselves. Further, it seems consistent to say that in treating an escort as a sex worker—in appreciating the skills and service, including specific acts—a client may in fact be offering respect for the sp’s professional skill. It may sound ridiculous to talk about an escort’s “training” or “gifts,” but that may, in the end, be what we’re talking about. Again, to admire an sp’s ability to please may be part of respecting her profession.
Third, to engage in the illusion of romantic intimacy—the girl-friend experience—may in fact not be the gentlemanly pose of ‘respect’ that it appears, for in fact it is objectifying the woman just as much as the more lurid sexual objectification. In both cases we are paying a woman to make us feel good and to perform for us; one could argue that in one case this is acknowledged (when we pay for sex), making it more genuine and thus respectful; and in the other (GFE) it is denied.
Finally, I am all in favor of showing kindness and compassion. I would call myself a feminist and I believe that in valuing the profession of sex work (and not pretending it is something else), I can show this kind of compassion and, yes, respect. Whenever the sp seems interested, I enjoy chatting about life, aspirations, histories. And I keenly realize that many sps do not exactly see their jobs as professions, nor often do they have great autonomy in their lives to make career choices. They are often objectified in damaging ways, demeaned and mistreated. This is appalling—and it says a lot about our cultural attitudes toward women and specifically toward prostitution. Yet, to repeat, it still seems to me that kindness and honesty are the best form of compassion. To put this a differently: it seems to me that seeking a form of pleasure (including a specific act) in exchange for compensation is not inherently disrespectful; one can seek out a couple hours of ‘selfish’ pleasure and do so with the values of generosity, gratitude, and kindness.
I remember one night a few years back, after my paid-for two hours of fun, the escort stuck around for nearly two hours. We just chatted, showed pictures of our kids, hung out. She talked about her work and I talked about mine. It wasn’t business—I didn’t live in the city and wasn’t returning soon; and she requested not to be reviewed on the Net. Just a relaxed, cozy, highly grown-up moment of honesty.
Last edited by talkinghead; 11-08-2007 at 11:09 PM.
Can you try something simple? Try editing your post and split it with paragraphs... You have a lot to say and it seems to make sense but damn, it's hard to read! Need some aeration!
yeah, i know there's a lot of blabbing there. I've actually tried to indent the paragraphs; they show up on the editing page, but are gone when i try to save them. genuine apologies!
Wow. Well-said, talkinghead!
So like I have read your post and I agree with most of your points, but really for me it comes down to a rose by any other name....... is still a "SP" er, I mean rose. All people are YMMV......... so really GFE doesn't mean as much if you are have bad body odor, bad breath, very hairy, obese, bad manners, a MUCH larger than average unit, booking from a bad part of town/bad motel, have poor communication skills, look creepy, are the wrong race(whatever that is to the SP)........... the list really goes on & on.
In the end the term "GFE" is just a marketing label, so there is really no need to be for or against it. All of us will still have our own personal favorites that others will get bad service with........ but who cares as long as we are happy with that SP.........
I am thankful that in the back of every SP's mind she knows that she should try to provide this mythical "GFE" service.............. and if I don't get it from her, I just won't book her again. As far as I am concerned for my $180, all I would get back home is 30 minutes and a very good lapdance(no happy ending)...... even bad sex is worth $180 per hour! I just wish it was fun for me to come more than 4 times a day, had more time off from work & that I had more money to try all of the beautiful women of Montreal!
True, it became a real marketing label. Agencies known for having a big majority of girls providing safe services are even using the term GFE for their girls...and then try to ask them what they mean by GFE...they will tell you ``we can`t give description over the phone..you`ll find out how great GFE she is ...it`s guaranteed`` ...lol Anyway, this GFE mention has turned in a real joke, that`s why ...when I use it...I purposely mention ``GFE in terms of services`` ...or ``GFE in terms of attitude``. But more importantly, I describe the effective services I got from the girl (dfk, lfk....etc) -> It`s less ``vague`` and yet...you can`t even count on that neither since she can provide a to Jack and a cbj to Ron. At least, it`s descriptive.
Originally Posted by happygolucky
That`s it: she ain`t give me the good honey...and yet she got my hard earned $$money...but never again!
Originally Posted by happygolucky
Last edited by montreal_monk01; 11-09-2007 at 09:56 AM.
Originally Posted by talkinghead
NO! I thought it was one of the most lucid and well written essays ever posted. I am very impressed, maybe because I agree with it and especially the general philosophical sentiments. But in any case, it's very well done.
Korbie: of the Boston Red Sox Nation...the NBA Champion Boston Celtics Pride...and...the New England Patriots Dynasty!
Haaa! Now I breath! LOL!!! Thanks very much! It must be old age but, when all the text is congested together, I loose the lines and it all becomes a blurr in my eyes! That would have been too bad to miss on a post so interesting!
Pretty well said. The GFE acronym makes me think of the "full equipped" in the car market. You go to see cars and the salesperson tells you "It's fully equipped" but can't explain to you what "fully equipped" means to him. Damn, a "full equipped" car 30 years ago had only a am-fm radio and a rear defogger!
Do i find degrading commenting on the services provided? Not at all! I praise my mechanic on how good of a job he makes on my oil changes! True, it's easy but he'efficient, tight all the bolts properly and refill to the proper level, and the car doesn't have a lingering smell of burned oil like it does with other mechanics. Why would it be different for an SP? She does a bad or good job, let's say so. We should't talk about the escort and generalize on who and how she lives: who are we to judge a person in only a few instants? But we can evaulate her attitude and quality of the services provided at a specific instant in time, when we were with her. As long as it stay out of the vulgarity, insulting and personnal attacks, to me it's free game, unless the lady ask not to be reviewed and we don't have reasons not to accept her request.
Of course it's a fantasy and we pay them to "act" as our GF. The best actress and most talented is the one who's going to be the most popular. Not to say it's always acting but none the less, that's how we need to look at it if we want to stay sane, right?
For me, seeing an escort is a fantasy. If she would get emotionally attached, I would't let it go because this isn't what I'm looking for. Friends is ok, friends "with benefits" is ok but attached, that's not what I want.
That being said, what I ask from an SP is, for the time we spend together, I want her to do her best so I DO feel we could get emotionally involved. It's a seduction game and we all like to be seen as seductive, still able to flirt with success.
Even if I know it's likely to be an act, when the lady is with me, I purposely select to forget it's a fantasy and only leave reality catch me at the time of payment, after the encounter.
Knowing beforehand it's a fantasy doesn't prohibit letting this "detail" go unnoticed as long as you accept it will be likely be back. Accepting this will avoid the backlash.
Last edited by metoo4; 11-09-2007 at 03:45 PM.