THE VICE GUIDE TO BEING TOTALLY CRUSHED OUT!
by CHRISTI BRADNOX, LESLEY ARFIN & DARREN ALBERTY
From Vice V.10 N.3
Being “crushed out” is not the ethereal world of magic not-knowingness that people often think it is. In actual fact, the “crush” is a well-researched science that goes back tens and tens of years. For example, when you are attracted to someone, you send out a series of sex pheromones to the mate in question. If said mate feels the same way, he or she will raise his or her abdomen to reveal a pink and moist sex gland. This gland will usually be slowly undulating and will smell not unlike honey. The term most people use for this coital dance is “crushed out,” and the facts behind it are steadfast. Here’s an A–Z of the best ways to master the empirical art of liking.
A: ASKING ABOUT HIM
This was first discussed very briefly in the Happiness Guide in VICE Vol. 10, No. 1. We didn’t get into it more because pick-up guides are corny, but the readers insisted, so whatever.
Anyway, does he have a girlfriend? Is he a gay? You gotta ask his friends about him, but not his bestest friends, unless you want him to know right away. Ask a semi-good friend so you can get the dirt––you know, if he’s a player or a pussy. Hopefully he’ll be that fine but rare line between the two. Maybe he’s on the rebound or currently crushed out on someone else. If you can check off the basics one by one, then you’re in the clear and you should ask him if he wants a drink or if he wants to go to some sort of thing (not a movie). For more on this, check “D.”
Mix tape recommendation: Apples in Stereo, “Motorcar”
Borrow a book or a movie just so you have the excuse to see him again, or even conveniently leave something like a sweatshirt at his house. This is a no-fail plan, because if he sees your sweatshirt lying around, he’ll have to think about you and be reminded of your charm (plus you left pheromones in it). Forced thinking is good, even though it’s commonly known as “mind rape.” Of course, the plan backfires if you decide you don’t like him. Then you have the annoying burden of meeting up. You could then decide in a Zenlike way that it’s “just a sweatshirt” and leave it as a relic for him to pine over forevermore.
Mix tape: Billy Bragg, “A New England”
Nothing gets a lady to come up to your house more quickly than an eight ball. Nothing makes her more likely to receive your kiss and you more likely to have balls enough to deliver it. The problem is you have to do at least four lines and three songs before you can bust a move and that is not exactly a recipe for an erect penis. Just multiply Shakespeare’s line, “It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance,” by about a thousand. You’d be an asshole not to have Viagra hanging around, but most of us are assholes, so fuck it, you try to feed it in there like a piece of wet spaghetti. Once it’s two-thirds of the way in, you start “rabbit fucking,” hoping the friction will bring it to life, but alas, her vagina poos it out like a sad worm getting voted off Survivor. The worst part is, if you don’t get a second chance, she tells all her friends and you are forever known in girl land as “Sad Arthur” (or whatever your actual name is). For more on this, check “E.”
Mix tape: The Carpenters, “Close to You”
Unless Sex and the City perfectly represents your demographic and you look like all the girls in Joe Millionaire combined, you already know dating is gay and boring (especially movies because you don’t get to talk). The only good thing about it is the guy is not too wasted and tired to fuck because you focused on the hook-up real early. The best way to really get to know somebody is to get his number and then call him in a real casual way from a noisy, fun place yelling, “Hey, I can’t really hear you, but we’re up at Aunt Jemima’s and it’s really fun. I’d give it a fun factor of 8.” The other good thing about that is, you can’t get rejected because you were never interested anyway. You were focused on the party and could give less of a shit if he shows up, right?
Mix tape: Dead Milkmen, “Punk Rock Girl”
E: EAT HER OUT
There are a lot of reasons your ween might not be on during that first night together. Usually it’s because you’re thinking about it too much (“I can’t believe she’s finally in my bed”). Instead of getting mad at your dick, get over it. Eat that puss so perfectly that even Fifi Le Pew would be impressed (go to amazon.ca and search “VICE Guide” for more on that). If she doesn’t know you too well, she may not want you to go down there forever, but if you can really rock the shit out of that clam for the short amount of time you’re down there, you could very likely convert her from your crush to your bitch.
Mix tape: Buzzcocks, “Ever Fallen in Love?”
F: FUCKED-UP DEFORMITIES
You know you are crushed out for life when you actually want her to have imperfections because there’s less chance someone else will be competing for her. Only little brothers care about shit like fat ankles or acne. The real deal is when you don’t care about deformities. Wait, don’t care? What if you want deformities? Does the idea of her having no arms sound like matrimonial bliss? Do you like the thought of her having a massive birthmark on her face? You’re fucked, dude. The good news is, when you are that far gone, your pitch is so sincere and heavy that she’s like, “OK, he seems pretty fucking set on this. I guess I’ll try it out. Worst case scenario is I have my pussy passionately eaten out for five hours.” Like some guy on TV said last night, “I believe people get what they really want.”
Mix tape: Firehouse, “Don’t Treat Me Bad”
G: GOING TO EXTREMES TO IMPRESS YOUR CRUSH
Like Lucas when he tries out for the football team. Why not use that extra bit of adrenaline to go all out and impress her. You’re fun. You can slide down stairs on your stomach. You can do a backflip off a chair into a pile of garbage. You can fight the biggest guy in school. If this doesn’t impress her on the simian alpha-male level, it will at least make her think that hanging out with you is an event and she could be the girlfriend of “Crazy Eddie.” The important thing about going to extremes is that it shows you are genuinely into your crush. Next thing you know you’re getting fascinated by things you were never into, like politics or Mudhoney or horoscopes.
Mix tape: Necro, “Get on Your Knees”
Love Signs by Linda Goodman definitely kills some of the torture time until you see him next week. Of course, this book is like kryptonite to guys, so do not tell him you know anything about it and DEFINITELY hide it when he comes over.
Mix tape: Cam’ron, “Hey Ma”
I: I LOVE YOU
In some movies from the 1970s, love notes can be charming, but really, it’s kinda pussy and unless you know FOR SURE that she’s crushed out on you too, DON’T DO IT! In case it’s unclear, make a fucking mix tape. But if it’s too soon for that, and you still feel the need to express your emotions (risky), draw a heart on a napkin and slip it to her like you’re making fun of love notes. I always thought it was sweet when that chick gave that dude a bloody heart from the butcher shop on The Real World. I once got a girl I was crushed out on by writing the tiniest notes you could ever imagine and putting them on her keyboard at work (when she was there, no weirdo stuff). They said stuff like, “My friend likes you” and “Hi.” I know it sounds really gay but it worked.
Mix tape: Peter Gabriel, “In Your Eyes” (just kidding), Elvis Costello, “I Want You”
J: JERKING OFF ABOUT HER
This magic act does two things:
1) When you are beating off about her, it sends magic threads through the cosmos that inevitably clasp on to her ear and make her feel this kind of “Whoa, tee-hee, what was that?” thing that feels exactly like an inner tickle.
2) After masturbating about her 16 times, she is basically your girlfriend (in your head). Therefore, the next time you see her you’ll be all laid-back and casual, touching her shoulder and saying, “What’s going on?” in a relaxed, long-term boyfriend kind of way. How could you be uncomfortable around a woman who, just last night, was on her knees in white high heels and turquoise socks BEGGING to feel your cum in her mouth (with Béatrice Dalle tied up behind her, masturbating).
Mix tape: Jawbreaker, “Chesterfield King.”
Joining the KKK is a great way to meet guys. They are edgy and opinionated and always have fun activities to go to. Prepare to get crushed the fuck out!
Mix tape: REO Speedwagon “Keep On Loving You”
L: LAME FOOTWEAR
Shoes can make you fall in love with a girl. Even if she’s a chunkybunch that’s not so hot to look at, the right heels can just set you off. Especially if she keeps them on when you get her naked. The twist here is that it’s BAD shoes that let you know if you’re crushed out. If she shows up at the door in Birkenstocks and you can laugh it off, you are head over heels (get it?).
Mix tape: Magnetic Fields, “Let’s Pretend We’re Bunny Rabbits”