The following text is summary of a peer-reviewed article (see note 1) on the nature of emotional intimacy in the long-term relationship of clients with sex workers, and is aimed at stimulating reflection among the readers of this review board (see note 2).
Introduction.
Clients who become involved with an escort for sexual reasons may develop strong feelings, resulting in a relationship that can become emotionally satisfying for the client and/or the service provider, or may cause significant psychological difficulties for one or both parties. Some analysts have argued that, since the beginning of the 21th century, the emotional dimensions of the escort-client relationship have grown in importance, and that men are seeing escorts for “more than sex”, sometimes resulting in a long-term relationship.
Perceptions of intimacy.
Clients who visit a sex worker on a regular basis sometimes notice that “feelings naturally arise”. Given the transactional nature of the relationship determining whether one experiences “genuine” or “counterfeit” intimacy can be especially difficult to assess. When feelings of attraction and/or attachment develop, trying to determine if the emotional connection is reciprocated can become a source of psychological difficulties. Milrod and Weitzer (2012) surveyed 2,442 posts in 394 threads on the review board TER (over the years 2006-2011) to better understand the desires, perceptions, and lived experiences of clients.
Results.
Approximately 20% of postings supported the view that true intimacy cannot be bought, and that sex workers are experts at feigning intimacy. Historical literature on sex work has identified various situations of sex workers being commodified by their clients. At least a few clients, however, flip the script, and perceived themselves as being commodified by the service provider for their financial gain. A more nuanced view, supported in approximately half of the postings surveyed, posits that genuine, but limited intimacy is possible in the spacetime pocket that constitutes each encounter with the service provider. Adherents of this view recognize that the enforcement of strong emotional boundaries is necessary, and often perceive their relationship as a “friendship”. At the opposite end of the spectrum are a small minority of clients who actively try to expand the boundaries. This most often manifests itself by requests to spend time “off the clock”. If successful, they begin to convince themselves that the emotional intimacy they experience is not only authentic, but mutual. In some cases, there have been concrete indicators that it may be the case, such as a provider inviting her client to spend Thanksgiving with her, her friends, and family, introducing the client as her boyfriend. Clients who experience off-the-clock activities tend to view this as confirmation that they are experiencing a genuine emotional connection. Not every client has the experience of making such a determination. Some become very confused by their relationship with a provider, echoing the 1969 Led Zepplin song “Dazed and Confused” (wanted a woman, never bargained for you!). In the words of a client: “Where did this provider/hobbyist relationship end and the personal one start, knowing we’d never be life partners? Believe me it was difficult! Both knowing a long-term relationship was out of the question, but wanting each other so much… Decided to take a break from each other to clear our minds”.
Warning other clients.
Perhaps as a result of their own difficult experiences, some clients offer advice and cautionary tales to fellow hobbyists. “The quickest way […] to get shown the door is to express your infatuation with her”. Striking a different tone, another client writes: “Good providers are extraordinarily adept at intuiting what their client needs and assuming that role. It can lead to some intense encounters and make it difficult to keep thinking clearly if your head’s not straight”
Conclusion and commentary from the author of this post.
For half of the clients in the sample of postings surveyed, the concept of “bounded intimacy” is recognized. They cherish genuine feelings of intimacy, while recognizing that they are paying for it in a limited amount of space and time. For some others, however, the nature of the intimacy experienced is very different. In a minority of cases, a shift towards unbounded intimacy approaching a genuine romantic relationship can take place. Finally, for others, a state of confusion over the “true” nature of the relationship can culminate in significant psychological distress. Further research could identify individual factors that lead clients to experience intimacy according to one or the other of the different scripts outlined herein.
Notes
1) Milrod, C., & Weitzer, R. (2012). The intimacy prism: Emotion management among the clients of escorts. Men and Masculinities, 15(5), 447–467. https://doi.org/10.1177/1097184X12452148
2) I read the article cited above and wrote the above summary without the assistance of any artificial intelligence (AI) tools.
Introduction.
Clients who become involved with an escort for sexual reasons may develop strong feelings, resulting in a relationship that can become emotionally satisfying for the client and/or the service provider, or may cause significant psychological difficulties for one or both parties. Some analysts have argued that, since the beginning of the 21th century, the emotional dimensions of the escort-client relationship have grown in importance, and that men are seeing escorts for “more than sex”, sometimes resulting in a long-term relationship.
Perceptions of intimacy.
Clients who visit a sex worker on a regular basis sometimes notice that “feelings naturally arise”. Given the transactional nature of the relationship determining whether one experiences “genuine” or “counterfeit” intimacy can be especially difficult to assess. When feelings of attraction and/or attachment develop, trying to determine if the emotional connection is reciprocated can become a source of psychological difficulties. Milrod and Weitzer (2012) surveyed 2,442 posts in 394 threads on the review board TER (over the years 2006-2011) to better understand the desires, perceptions, and lived experiences of clients.
Results.
Approximately 20% of postings supported the view that true intimacy cannot be bought, and that sex workers are experts at feigning intimacy. Historical literature on sex work has identified various situations of sex workers being commodified by their clients. At least a few clients, however, flip the script, and perceived themselves as being commodified by the service provider for their financial gain. A more nuanced view, supported in approximately half of the postings surveyed, posits that genuine, but limited intimacy is possible in the spacetime pocket that constitutes each encounter with the service provider. Adherents of this view recognize that the enforcement of strong emotional boundaries is necessary, and often perceive their relationship as a “friendship”. At the opposite end of the spectrum are a small minority of clients who actively try to expand the boundaries. This most often manifests itself by requests to spend time “off the clock”. If successful, they begin to convince themselves that the emotional intimacy they experience is not only authentic, but mutual. In some cases, there have been concrete indicators that it may be the case, such as a provider inviting her client to spend Thanksgiving with her, her friends, and family, introducing the client as her boyfriend. Clients who experience off-the-clock activities tend to view this as confirmation that they are experiencing a genuine emotional connection. Not every client has the experience of making such a determination. Some become very confused by their relationship with a provider, echoing the 1969 Led Zepplin song “Dazed and Confused” (wanted a woman, never bargained for you!). In the words of a client: “Where did this provider/hobbyist relationship end and the personal one start, knowing we’d never be life partners? Believe me it was difficult! Both knowing a long-term relationship was out of the question, but wanting each other so much… Decided to take a break from each other to clear our minds”.
Warning other clients.
Perhaps as a result of their own difficult experiences, some clients offer advice and cautionary tales to fellow hobbyists. “The quickest way […] to get shown the door is to express your infatuation with her”. Striking a different tone, another client writes: “Good providers are extraordinarily adept at intuiting what their client needs and assuming that role. It can lead to some intense encounters and make it difficult to keep thinking clearly if your head’s not straight”
Conclusion and commentary from the author of this post.
For half of the clients in the sample of postings surveyed, the concept of “bounded intimacy” is recognized. They cherish genuine feelings of intimacy, while recognizing that they are paying for it in a limited amount of space and time. For some others, however, the nature of the intimacy experienced is very different. In a minority of cases, a shift towards unbounded intimacy approaching a genuine romantic relationship can take place. Finally, for others, a state of confusion over the “true” nature of the relationship can culminate in significant psychological distress. Further research could identify individual factors that lead clients to experience intimacy according to one or the other of the different scripts outlined herein.
Notes
1) Milrod, C., & Weitzer, R. (2012). The intimacy prism: Emotion management among the clients of escorts. Men and Masculinities, 15(5), 447–467. https://doi.org/10.1177/1097184X12452148
2) I read the article cited above and wrote the above summary without the assistance of any artificial intelligence (AI) tools.
