cheaters???

[Conolly]

have you ever cheated on your girlfriend or boyfriend?how many times and why?why do peoples cheat?
do you consider paying for sex cheating?
how long have you been with your girlfriend/boyfriend and how many time have you cheated on them?
if your girl/boy gave you the best sex ever would you still cheat?

 

[Reppy]

Trying to write a thesis there bud?

 

[Magda]

I feel differently about cheating than most people. For me it is all about where your heart is. If my partner's priority is me and they are in love with me, then how does sex with someone else change that? This is one reason why I have much gratitude for SP's. The service they provide allows for "adult playtime" (my euphamism for casual sex), without that relationship interferring in ours. No one gets hurt, and everyone has fun!

I am more of a swinger type than a polyamorist, (or somewhere in between) but I appreciate the ethics polyamory endorses. Therefore, I don't get bent out of shape about a little playtime. I tell my committed lovers that - I don't care what you safely do with your parts, just so long as my heart is safe with you. I do prefer that my lovers do not complicate things by sexing my close friends or colleagues. I am open-minded, not short-sighted!

I have cheated before, but I usually leave a relationship before then; as most people don't have the same openess as I do and I don't wish hurt anyone.

All in all, as a woman, (and not just a SW) I don't consider employing SW's cheating. Unfortunately, on the flipside, a lot of my lovers think my being a SW is cheating.

 

[naughtylady]

To me cheating involves deception. I have a boyfriend. He knows what I do for a living. No lying, therefore no cheating.

Paying for sex is cheating only if you are doing so behind your partners back, and there is an assumption of monogamy.

In the past with previous partners I have cheated. Generally towards the end of the relationship, when my needs were not being met I succumbed to the seduction of another. This does not mean I am not taking responsibility for my actions, only that I let myself be seduced. I ended the relationship shortly after.

Personally I have a high need for honesty in my relationships. Wether my partner is a great or only so-so lover, I would not in future relationships have sex with another, without prior consent. I am uncomfortable with myself when I am dishonest.
Ronnie,
Naughtylady

 

[Gee]

I agree with Ronnie and Magda on this, as long as both people know what the other is doing and they still keep time for each other I would not consider it cheating.

If done properly it might even solve some of the tensions some couples have, If one of the two members is not as interested in sex as the other, make a deal... he or she gets to have sex with other people as long as it's played safe and the couple spends more time doing what the non sexaholic one wants to do.

I never understood cheating really and lying in couples, If you lie to your significant other what's the point of beng in a relationship with them?

 

[HonestAbe]

Its not cheating if...

1)You don't get caught. In other words, if she doesn't know, it never happened.
2)You are in a different country or area code(where you will never be caught) in other words, never shit in your own backyard.

Most important rule to follow: The person you want to "fool around" with should be AT LEAST as good looking and preferably BETTER looking than the person you are considering "cheating" on. Otherwise whats the sense? Imagine how you would feel if your S.O. cheated on you with someone who was horrid looking! Thats adding insult to injury!

What NOT to do if you should ever be questioned about it: Admit it!
Never ever ever ever admit to it! Always totally and categorically DENY it. Admitting it will do nothing other than hurt your S.O. If you don't want to hurt them, don't admit to it.

Who not to cheat on: Anyone who shows a propensity for violence or has a screw or two loose upstairs as it could get you killed or maimed(J.W. Bobbitt)
Even better, don't date these people at all.

Better yet: Date people who don't equate sex with love. This way you both can have fun and no secrets have to be kept from each other, no sneaking around, no lies, no angst, no hurt feelings etc... It IS possible to love someone and still have sex with others as long as both of you have no hangups about it and you agree to be cautious about STD.

Biggest problem with that: Finding someone who TRULY feels that way. Most people are very jealous about their S.O.'s even if they say they aren't. Sadly for most people love is about POSESSION of another human being. If you ever find someone who is truly sexually open minded, HANG ON TO THEM! Grow old together and enjoy all the pleasure life can offer both of you.

 

[Magda]

To me cheating involves deception. I have a boyfriend. He knows what I do for a living. No lying, therefore no cheating.

Paying for sex is cheating only if you are doing so behind your partners back, and there is an assumption of monogamy.

In the past with previous partners I have cheated. Generally towards the end of the relationship, when my needs were not being met I succumbed to the seduction of another. This does not mean I am not taking responsibility for my actions, only that I let myself be seduced. I ended the relationship shortly after.

Personally I have a high need for honesty in my relationships. Wether my partner is a great or only so-so lover, I would not in future relationships have sex with another, without prior consent. I am uncomfortable with myself when I am dishonest.
Ronnie,
Naughtylady

I completely agree with you Ronnie. Having clear and open communication is what helps prevent useless jealousy and the notion of being cheated on, or cheating your partner.

I am always clear with my partner about what I do for a living. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I was being decieved, so I don't expect my partner to accept deception from me. That being said, finding an understanding partner who can handle the reality, is usually difficult for SW's and hobbyists alike.

You are very lucky, it seems, Ronnie! Kudos!

 

[naughtylady]

Yes I am indeed very lucky to have such a partner

Ronnie,
Naughtylady

 

[Gambling Fool]

I agree with Magda and Ronnie on this one.
And I just have to say that I wholeheartedly disagree with HonestAbe.

Gambling Fool

 

[Uncle Kracker]

have you ever cheated on your girlfriend or boyfriend?how many times and why?why do peoples cheat?
do you consider paying for sex cheating?
how long have you been with your girlfriend/boyfriend and how many time have you cheated on them?
if your girl/boy gave you the best sex ever would you still cheat?

Damn, that really reads like you're taking a poll for something... But I'll play along...

I've only cheated on one girlfriend. We had been together for 3 & a half years when I found out she had hooked up with her ex at a party two weeks earlier... Without jumping to conclusions I asked around and got enough of the same stories to believe it... Instead of just making it easy with a clean break, I decided to indulge myself...

3 girls that worked for me & then her best friend... Then I broke it off with her.

That was the only time I cheated...

I would consider paying for sex a form of cheating, but not as severe as sleeping with someone you know or meet while out... IMO, the emotion felt is much less. I have a friend (that had been with his girlfriend for a year, they're still together over a year later) that paid for it while we were in Switzerland, was it cheating yes, but did his feelings change for his girl due to that encounter... Not that I can tell. Paying is only cheating in the pysical sense, IMO, emotional cheating does much more damage...

I'm currently single... Building my career up, before my personal life.

I don't feel good or bad sex as anything to do with why people cheat. I believe if you whole-heartedly love someone, they could be a dead fish in bed and you wouldn't look away. It, IMO, has to do with the person's mental and emotional state...

 

[HonestAbe]

Cold!!!

3 girls that worked for me & then her best friend... Then I broke it off with her.

Uncle Kracker,

Wow man, I see you believe revenge is a dish best served cold!

Hi GFool,

Exactly what did you disagree with? The part about not cheating where you will get caught? Not cheating with someone who isn't worth cheating with? Both stupid things to do.

Avoiding relationships with violent people? Not admitting to something that would crush someones heart? Or trying to avoid being in that unenviable situation(having to lie and deny while sneaking around) by finding someone who is as sexually liberated as you are to share an open relationship with rather than someone who is into monogamy whom you may ultimately hurt, or be hurt by, if you do one of the above mentioned stupid things?

Please understand before you "judge" me that I am only answering the question asked by Connoly. I am not "advocating" cheating. If anything I am advocating AVOIDING potentially hurtful, dangerous, frustrating situations by seeking out someone you are truly compatible with. Also adding that finding someone with an open mind to open relationships is difficult as the ladies in this thread have pointed out. Your thoughts?

 

[Uncle Kracker]

Uncle Kracker,

Wow man, I see you believe revenge is a dish best served cold!

Gotta love the "Old Klingon Proverb"

 

[orallover]

IMO, emotional cheating does much more damage...

Hey UK,
this post from you and another I just read in another thread from you.. you think like me
I agree 100% with UK. emotional cheating is the worst.. but you cannot just separate physical cheating and emotional cheating that easily.
the typical line we hear is "Honey, yes I slept with her/him but I don't love her/him. I love you" well.....
As for me, when I was going out with someone, i've never seen any SPs, not even those special massages. Strip clubs yes, but no dances.
so, you can tell that I have been single for some time now

 

[Gambling Fool]

I'll be more specific

Hey HonestAbe,

I'll start by saying that I'm not judging you, I can't do that because I do not know you. I'm stating that I disagree with your position on this.

Here's where I disagree :

It's not cheating if :
1)You don't get caught. In other words, if she doesn't know, it never happened.
2)You are in a different country or area code(where you will never be caught) in other words, never shit in your own backyard.

Most important rule to follow: The person you want to "fool around" with should be AT LEAST as good looking and preferably BETTER looking than the person you are considering "cheating" on. Otherwise whats the sense? Imagine how you would feel if your S.O. cheated on you with someone who was horrid looking! Thats adding insult to injury!

What NOT to do if you should ever be questioned about it: Admit it!
Never ever ever ever admit to it! Always totally and categorically DENY it. Admitting it will do nothing other than hurt your S.O. If you don't want to hurt them, don't admit to it.

And here is my position :

I believe that it is cheating on your S.O. even if you were not caught and were out of the country. The other part about fooling around with somebody that is better looking I think is mostly true but not always. Sometimes it's a certain service that you want, that your S.O. will not provide and that you wish to experience. But I agree that the majority of people who cheat are trying to "trade up" from their S.O. And if you want to continu a relationship with your S.O. eventually you will have to admit it. It hurts your S.O. just as much by leaving her (or him) in the dark guessing at where you are and what you are doing. That will only lead to more problems (or work only once).

The other parts about finding someone that doesn't equate sex with love, I agree with.

That's my 2 cents,

Gambling Fool

 

[Uncle Kracker]

...but you cannot just separate physical cheating and emotional cheating that easily...

That's true and it goes along with my last statment...

I don't feel good or bad sex as anything to do with why people cheat. I believe if you whole-heartedly love someone, they could be a dead fish in bed and you wouldn't look away. It, IMO, has to do with the person's mental and emotional state...

Some people believe even looking at a woman in a lustful way is cheating... Now I sure as fuck don't follow the same beliefs as them, but those people do exist...

I most definatly believe if you cheat, then there's something emotionally wrong with the relationship. But there's a bit of a line, IMO, when it comes to paying... For instance: If you're on vacation/business trip/etc. and you pay for sex purely for the pysical act of sex, then yes it's cheating and part of you emotionally knows that. But it's not as bad as going out and paying for sex with the mind set that you're paying to cheat on someone...

That the real bitch about sex, IMO, there's a shitload of grey areas...

 

[naughtylady]

About being asked and denying>>>

IMO, by the time your SO asks you, they already know, and are asking for confirmation. Continuing the lie just keeps the relationship on a downhill slide, they know that you are lying to them, or at least feel it or suspect it. Confrontation time is the time to decide wether you want to end the relationship or the cheating.

Being cheated on hurts, wether it was pure sex or a emotional relationship, doesn't make a difference for the one experiencing the pain. Though I do agree that emotional cheating hurts more.

Ronnie,
Naughtylady

 

[EagerBeaver]

It's only cheating if you are in a relationship in which a monogamous commitment has been made and both parties have had a meeting of the minds as to the monogamous nature of the relationship. Clearly, a marriage is by definition a monogamous, contractual relationship, and extramarital sex is by definition, contractually, legally and spiritually, cheating. The gray area is when you are casually dating someone and monogamy has not yet been discussed. If it has not been discussed and one party merely assumes a monogamous commitment from the other, cheating has not occurred.

In my life I have never cheated on a woman. Ever.

 

[Best Lover]

EB,

That's the best definition of cheating I have ever seen, and agree with you.

When I was married (over ten years) I never cheated but now that I have discovered this hobby I wonder if I won't be tempted if I get married again some day?

When I was married "ignorance was bliss".

 

[naughtylady]

EB>>> As a lawyer you of all people should know better than to assume that a marriage vows always include monogamy. I know several polyamourous couples who are legally married.

Ronnie,
Naughtylady

 

[HonestAbe]

Devils Advocate...not really

if you want to continu a relationship with your S.O. eventually you will have to admit it. It hurts your S.O. just as much by leaving her (or him) in the dark guessing at where you are and what you are doing. That will only lead to more problems (or work only once).

Gambling Fool

Hey Gfool,

Thanks for not judging me! Seriously! I know I would be guilty of something!

I think I made the mistake of trying to give advice to Connoly in the fashion of a Devils Advocate which resulted in my point being misinterpreted. The part about its not cheating if you don't get caught/if you are in another country is like "player wisdom" I heard in the past. I agree with you that technically it is still cheating no matter where you are or if you get caught or not. The point of the statement however is similar to the brain teaser "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise?"

I disagree with the above quote however. Would you humour me to play devils advocate yet again? Where is it written that you HAVE to admit to ANYTHING... EVER? Admitting to something of this magnitude is a CHOICE and trust me you will not score any brownie points for honesty in this circumstance. In all likelihood admitting to "cheating" is a death sentence for your relationship as has been my experience (once) along with the overwhelming majority of my friends, male and female. That being said if you are a guilt ridden person who becomes depressed and loses sleep over dishonesty then admit it, apologize... and never come back!

Not to say some people won't stay together even after such a revelation but it usually makes for a very strained relationship which is never quite the same, and talk about suspicion! Married? Don't even THINK about admitting to cheating. That admission will likely cost you EVERYTHING you have from the car to the kids and the kitchen sink! Absolutely foolish to admit it if you stand to lose something valuable to a spouse.

As far as your S.O. being "just as hurt", by wondering where you are or what you are doing goes, I just don't see that argument holding water. First of all if your S.O. has no reason to believe that you are cheating then it is not hurtful at all. If you are acting suspicious and coming up with ridiculous stories to justify abnormal behavior then you have a problem. Again, the idea is NOT to tip off the other party! Many people are seperated from their S.O.'s for short, medium, and long periods of time, do you think they are all preoccupied wondering if the other is screwing someone else while they are gone?

If your S.O. truly loves you chances are that they are not worried about you straying, its probably the furthest thing from their mind. Actually, many a time its a guilty conscience that is worried about the other person. So its not always surprising for a "cheater" to find out, as in Uncle Krackers' girlfriends case, that he too was having his cake and eating it(even though UK was extracting revenge) while she was being unfaithful to him. Hence my point to "cheaters" was that their trists can go on seemingly forever as long as they don't draw attention to their activities.

Granted the longer and more often you "cheat" the higher the probability you will make a mistake and draw suspicion unto yourself. That is when it is time to decide whether or not you want to stay with this person and give up "cheating", or leave. I would never admit to it though since all that serves to do is confirm what your S.O. didn't want to believe, and again, if you do admit it you can expect to be either single or in "hell on earth" if she decides to keep you for some extensive mind torture. Anyone want to stick around for that? No thanks, I'd rather jam pins under my fingernails.

I've never met anyone who WANTED to find out that their S.O. was "cheating". Telling them you did is basically a parting shot at their ego because you are telling them that they were not good enough to keep you totally satisfied. Who wants to hear that they don't satisfy their lover? Anyone? Thats precisely the reason why so many women fake orgasm. They realize that many men could not handle the truth of not being pleased by them in bed. The rest just don't care. Those guys are the ones who will find their S.O.'s looking for it elsewhere. Play on Playette!