Unpopular opinion with some people...
(This isn't aimed at anyone in particular or anyone who has commented in this thread. It's a general statement)
Do I think there's a subset of Merb members who abuse of the "power" a website like this gives them? Yes.
(But in all fairness, the Mod and admin team have proven to be very responsive about safety concerns, so I have nothing but praise for their work.)
However, it's a recipe for abuse when one party can write or do whatever they wish in complete anonymity. You may not know our legal names but I'm not an anonymous person. What I say is tied to a person, not a complete ghost.
I've had 2 people refer to private chats/groups made up of Merb members. Both of them mentioned it specifically as an intimidation tactic, one of them in the context of harassment. Those are some of the people making providers suspicious.
I've been on the boards (Perb when I lived out west) on an off and was completely off perb for the last several years I lived there. We used to want reviews. I haven't hoped for reviews in a long time. I think after a couple of graphic reviews that make you feel deeply uncomfortable and violated, you see them quite differently. It's only logical.
My posting has never really been for advertising purposes although I know some people who look at the advertising section sometimes appreciate being able to quickly check my posting history to get more of an idea beyond just an ad or website. But I'm not, nor have I ever been the type of provider that the most active members/reviewers look for, which has been a positive rather than a negative thing in my view. I post what's on my mind and try to brush off (not always successfully) some of the disrespectful, dehumanizing and demeaning things that are written. Not going to lie though, it takes a toll.
I've hung out with groups of mostly or all men in my personal life. I've heard a lot of objectionable, misogynistic stuff but the fact that these were friends allowed me to clap back without fearing I'd be attacked or harassed. Knowing the in-person context and accountability that came with it, didn't make men feel emboldened to completely go beyond certain limits. The anonymity of a site like this, where many won't even take accountability for what they say online and act one way in person then turn around and anonymously trash or degrade women, makes some people go even beyond locker room talk mentality. All this while WE ARE HERE, reading things that make us feel unsafe and like targets.
You just have to take 2min to practice empathy and really ask yourself what it feels like to be in the other person's shoes to easily understand why many providers could be suspicious or concerned.
I know the majority lie about Merb. All I can do is hope they're decent people. Thank God most are. With that said, I won't refuse someone simply for disclosing their Merb membership and have a lot of respect for those who do, as I think it can be very useful. It's helped me in the past. After reading a person's reviews, I could see I didn't seem to fit their usual preferences or type, so I was able to be very upfront about it. They appreciated it and in some cases chose to see me with that knowledge and others chose to pass. This is to everyone's advantage.
But if you're hiding your membership and then go on to trash a provider, IMO you're being deceitful, duplicitous and you're really a shit person. Sorry if that's harsh but we're people. A review on merb is not like any review on yelp or Google and it's disingenuous to pretend that we should see it as such. You're talking about very personal and sensitive aspects of a real human being who has put themselves in a vulnerable position, only for you to trick them and abuse of the anonymity of the Internet to attack them. However you want to rationalize it, that is violating their consent. However you want to minimize it, the real effect is that it feels incredibly violating. I'm not even exaggerating when I say it can also he traumatizing.
If you don't plan on reviewing, don't write explicit accounts and don't trash providers, by all means keep your Merb status secret. But otherwise, it's reprehensible to not allow the provider the choice to see you or not (difference between informed consent vs. non consent) and there is no justification for it. If you won't take accountability for the reviews you've posted, and lie to separate yourself from what you've written, then that suggests there might be a problem with you. It also shows you're very aware you're tricking someone into consenting. That's no joke, even if you are getting away with it.
It's the decent thing to do to allow providers to make informed decisions for themselves and on who they choose to see. Let's not pretend otherwise. And let's be clear that using private chats or groups to intimidate providers because you don't like something they wrote or they're not your type is abusive, cowardly and deeply disturbing.
And if you can see this, it's your responsibility to call it out and police the way other members are behaving because guess what? We can't and you're the only ones in a position to. And when you don't, no only do you enable it but you become guilty by association, since we're unable to tell the difference thanks to the anonymity these people rely on.
Does it suck that someone may choose not to see you because of things you've written? I don't doubt that it must. Welcome to our world, the real world where people are accountable for their behaviour. Maybe there's nothing wrong with your behaviour but providers do deserve to make that call. You move on and that's all. But you get to know that you didn't resort to lying to obtain consent and the consent you obtained isn't based on fraud or deceit.
That's kind of what decent people aim for irl, it shouldn't be any different online. It's the bare basic way to treat another human being and you shouldn't be seeing any of us if you need to reminded or convinced that we are, indeed, human. When people behave in ways that intentionally or unintentionally make us feel unsafe, it's not surprising that some providers might not want to participate.
That's my 2 cents and I stand 100% behind it.
