Hiding in the Closet (Part 1)
I'm hiding in the closet. Getting away from people who will see my face then ask me questions like, "What's wrong?"
I don't even know how to answer such questions.
What is wrong? Why do I wake up angry and bitter hating the person beside me wondering why the hell it is that I can't live alone; why I can't just face being alone with myself or with my kids? I'm afraid of not having someone touch me. I'm afraid of not having a significant presence in my life. Someone who I can engage with on a level other than answering whether or not I've got Air Miles. But now that my current girlfriend doesn't touch me when I need it, I am resentful. Now that she is decisive and does not do something that will benefit me only, I hate her and wonder what I am doing with someone like this. It is then that I want to punish her. There is nothing that she can do to keep me entertained, keep me consistently happy. She may cook for three hours but who cares really? I am not super ecstatic that she has spent so many hours to prepare something for me. If I'm gonna be real honest about it, I could care less. I'm hungry. I want the food. Sure I'll be sweet and put on a nice front and say, "Wow! You spent three hours preparing all of this?" But it's not like my heart is going to be filled with joy, that my breath will be taken away, that I will really turn my whole concentration towards her as I might have say during the initial courting when I might call her up because I wanted a GFE (GirlFriend Experience) that evening which in reality means to be a able to fuck repeatedly for free. Although there is the drawback of having to wake up with the person in the full light of the next day when I am very self aware and ashamed. When will I wake up and truly appreciate that which I have? When will I not focus on the too broad teeth, the sagging breasts, the rippling fat?I want my current girlfriend to announce that she has an appointment with a friend downtown but that we can meet up afterwards. I want to be surprised and exhilarated by her. I want to focus on just her. I want her moans to drown out the outside world. I want to get high with her but can't and so I resent her like a car that won't turn over. She simply resumes her typical behaviours. She is silent, submissive. She is predictable.
There is also a language barrier. She is Japanese. She does not laugh at many of my jokes, we do not philosophize together, we have simple discussion about what to make for supper. I point to many objects, pantomime alot. We discuss renting a film for the walking the dogs, again. I try to pretend that I am alone sometimes but I can't do that in any real sense. She walked with me yesterday throughout the whole supermarket without once saying a word. She just stood a few feet away, waiting. There were many beautiful girls whose bodies I peripherally fantasised over.
I have come under the impression that there exists a group of men out there who would love to be able to possess those really nice girls walking along the street in their short skirts, tight pants, low cut blouses revealing voluptuous breasts. But these men, I suspect, would have absolutely no idea what to do with these women if they managed to possess them. They might get nervous with their inability to adequately please these women. Seeing a prostitute then becomes very alluring. She will give YOU what YOU need. She does expect you to give her anything in return. This doesn't mean of course that she won't make token moans to make you believe that you are pleasuring her as well. But then again, the guy is not really interested in the pleasure that the woman is feeling because she is feeling it. No. He is interested in her feeling pleasure because of what this says of him. To quote my brother in law,
"I won't give you the details, but she said I knew how to please a woman,"
This remark was made in reference to a 28 year old acquaintance my 44 year old brother in law fucked.
I'm hiding in the closet. Getting away from people who will see my face then ask me questions like, "What's wrong?"
I don't even know how to answer such questions.
What is wrong? Why do I wake up angry and bitter hating the person beside me wondering why the hell it is that I can't live alone; why I can't just face being alone with myself or with my kids? I'm afraid of not having someone touch me. I'm afraid of not having a significant presence in my life. Someone who I can engage with on a level other than answering whether or not I've got Air Miles. But now that my current girlfriend doesn't touch me when I need it, I am resentful. Now that she is decisive and does not do something that will benefit me only, I hate her and wonder what I am doing with someone like this. It is then that I want to punish her. There is nothing that she can do to keep me entertained, keep me consistently happy. She may cook for three hours but who cares really? I am not super ecstatic that she has spent so many hours to prepare something for me. If I'm gonna be real honest about it, I could care less. I'm hungry. I want the food. Sure I'll be sweet and put on a nice front and say, "Wow! You spent three hours preparing all of this?" But it's not like my heart is going to be filled with joy, that my breath will be taken away, that I will really turn my whole concentration towards her as I might have say during the initial courting when I might call her up because I wanted a GFE (GirlFriend Experience) that evening which in reality means to be a able to fuck repeatedly for free. Although there is the drawback of having to wake up with the person in the full light of the next day when I am very self aware and ashamed. When will I wake up and truly appreciate that which I have? When will I not focus on the too broad teeth, the sagging breasts, the rippling fat?I want my current girlfriend to announce that she has an appointment with a friend downtown but that we can meet up afterwards. I want to be surprised and exhilarated by her. I want to focus on just her. I want her moans to drown out the outside world. I want to get high with her but can't and so I resent her like a car that won't turn over. She simply resumes her typical behaviours. She is silent, submissive. She is predictable.
There is also a language barrier. She is Japanese. She does not laugh at many of my jokes, we do not philosophize together, we have simple discussion about what to make for supper. I point to many objects, pantomime alot. We discuss renting a film for the walking the dogs, again. I try to pretend that I am alone sometimes but I can't do that in any real sense. She walked with me yesterday throughout the whole supermarket without once saying a word. She just stood a few feet away, waiting. There were many beautiful girls whose bodies I peripherally fantasised over.
I have come under the impression that there exists a group of men out there who would love to be able to possess those really nice girls walking along the street in their short skirts, tight pants, low cut blouses revealing voluptuous breasts. But these men, I suspect, would have absolutely no idea what to do with these women if they managed to possess them. They might get nervous with their inability to adequately please these women. Seeing a prostitute then becomes very alluring. She will give YOU what YOU need. She does expect you to give her anything in return. This doesn't mean of course that she won't make token moans to make you believe that you are pleasuring her as well. But then again, the guy is not really interested in the pleasure that the woman is feeling because she is feeling it. No. He is interested in her feeling pleasure because of what this says of him. To quote my brother in law,
"I won't give you the details, but she said I knew how to please a woman,"
This remark was made in reference to a 28 year old acquaintance my 44 year old brother in law fucked.