The Intelligent Humour Thread!

[Juliana]

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemmingway


Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
-- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
-- His reply.

 

[Special K]

Isn't it ironic that "Intelligent" in the title was spelled incorrectly? Lol.

Ya had to go an change it Juliana? Hehe.

 

[dirtierasigetolder]

Isn't it ironic that "Intelligent" in the title was spelled incorrectly? Lol.

Personally my favorite is someone referring to himself as geniOus

 

[danleo]

Why do mathematicians need not go to the beach ? Because they have sin and cosine to have a tan(gent).

M. Logarithme et Mme Exponentielle mangent au restaurant, qui paie la facture ? Mme Exponentielle parce que M. Logarithme ne paie rien (logarithme népérien - en base e).

Jeune enfant Logarithme et jeune enfant Exponentiel sont à un concours de dessin, qui gagne ? Jeune enfant Exponentiel parce que jeune enfant Logarithme dessine mal (logarithme décimal).

 

[Jason Devilish Escorts]

"I like a woman with a good head on her shoulders...I hate necks"- Steve Martin

Mikey

 

[Regular Guy]

Okay. I'll stick with my signature joke!

 

[MAXHD]

danny de vito in taxi..
The women i have sex with find me real good in bed .They say they are the ones that should pay me!

 

[Juliana]

To Make You Smile!

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.Robin Williams quote

 

[MakeIt]

My Favorite Robin Williams

"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."

and here's his piece on the invention of golf - hilarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKA_LxHEyPo

 

[BackDoorMan]

In french, there is 2 equations that should be MERB's equation:

+40+4M > -40-4M

 

[Rexroth]

Towards a new vocabulary for kissing

Found these on the Web.


Godelian kiss: a kiss that takes an extraordinarily long time, yet leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.

Kantian kiss: a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.

Kafkaesque kiss: a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but ends up just bugging you.

Sartrean kiss: a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.

Cartesian kiss: "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed (DFK?).

Heisenbergian kiss: a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not (a.k.a. LFK). Virtual kisses have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy them.

Grouchoic kiss: a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not kiss him or her.

Zenoian kiss: your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch (another variant of LFK).

Hegelian kiss: dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

 

[BackDoorMan]

Rexroth, you forgot:

Neesha kiss: LFK, DATY, CBJ


(do a search )

 

[BgBabee]

House of Lords

A former mayor of Ottawa was a extraordinarily intelligent woman who happened to be extraordinarily unattractive (pointy glasses, pink lipstick and the whole bit) and had a corrosive sense of humour...
She is invited to the House of Lords in London and some flowers are placed on her corset. Her table mate, a Lord with symbol of his office around his neck-the chain and medallion-leans over to the mayor and whispers "If I smell your rose, will you blush ?" without missing a beat she answers "And if I pull your chain, will you flush ?"

 

[metoo4]

Bg, you mean Mrs Deward said that?

 

[BgBabee]

Pull your Chain

I found the story:

Feisty, formidable Charlotte Whitton, the former mayor of Ottawa, was introduced to the mayor of London, England. He was bedecked in all the medals and chains of his office, while she had only a flower in her lapel. "There was something fitting, about this, wasn’t there," the London mayor asked. "After all, what was Ottawa, a city of 600,000, compared to London, twelve million?" He leaned forward and said most haughtily, “If I sniff your rose, will you blush?” Charlotte replied, “And if I pull your chain, will you flush?”

I guess he looked for it.

 

[softouch]

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Winston tonight you are drunk as a matter of fact you are very drunk !
Winston to Lady Astor : Yes I am drunk and may well be very drunk but you Lady Astor are ugly and as a matter of fact you are very ugly !
But tommorrow I shall be sober !!