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Thread: Headlines from the year 2029

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    wishing I was in Montreal

    Wink Headlines from the year 2029


    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
    country in the world, Mexifornia.

    White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third official language.

    Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

    Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

    Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

    Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years
    before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

    France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .

    Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but
    President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

    George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

    Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
    delivery to Wednesdays only.

    85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise are keys to weight loss

    Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

    Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

    Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

    Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

    New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and
    rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

    Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions
    to campaign accounts.

    IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

    Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

    Any other headlines from the "creative minds" of MERB?

    "No matter how sophisticated you may be, a large granite mountain cannot be denied—it speaks in silence to the very core of your being."
    -Ansel Adams

  2. #2
    How about:

    "Laval Metro finally opens after 300 Billion spent"
    "Laval abolishes all bridges and overpasses on the island, after 3 more bridges collapse"

  3. #3
    Final referendum planned for Quebec sovereignty -- unless the separatists lose, in which case there will be another "final" referendum at a later date.

  4. #4
    It's a whole new ballgame
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Where I belong.
    How about: lone Massachusetts conservative listens to too much Limbaugh as he recovers from surgery?

  5. #5
    New facts surface in probe of JFK assassination.

    Jeff Reardon arrested again.

    Marilyn Manson claims today's music in bad taste.

    Activists: Say no to re-naming Boulevard Robert Bourassa.

    Poll reveals Paul Martin worst PM since Confederation.

    Latest casualty report on Iraq War.

    Britney Spears wins 4th Oscar as Best Director.

    Maple Leafs now 62 years removed from last Cup win.

  6. #6

    Recently published here and now……

    “Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says”.

    “Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers”

    “Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus”?

    “Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over”

    “Miners Refuse to Work after Death”

    “Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant”

    “War Dims Hope for Peace”

    “If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile”

    “Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures”

    “Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide”

    “Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges”

    “Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge”

    “New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
    Test Group”

    “Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft”

    “Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half”

    “Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors”

    “Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead”

  7. #7

    in the vein……..

    "O.J. comes clean on death-bed"

    "Recipient of Flux-Capacitor doing well!"

    "Approved! LeBron gets go-ahead on sale of Ohio to China."

    "Nessie was poisoned, Scotland Yard’s findings conclude…….

    "Pennsylvania beach front property values plummet on rising tides."

    "Methane explosion at Grand Canyon landfill measured 12.9 on the…..

    "Autopsy confirmed Michael & Diana were the same person, a spokes person for Motown…….

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