I asked a MERB why I should avoid Jade as he suggested in a review.

Viagra: Why avoid her? I made an appointment for this evening. She seemed accommodating. What was your experience like?

MERB response: Her place is dirty. She is not very clean. And she smokes while you're there. After I left her place, I had to wash all my cloths.

Viagra: Yep, and she doesn't give good head. I watched a horror movie with her. I started wondering if she was in fact a transsexual. God I felt disgusted, it could have been the free base I did that made me feel sick. I don't know. I'm supposed to go and move her today. I did waste my money on her, but that's okay, I prefer the bad experiences, they remind me that I'm actually never going to find amongst these people what I am really looking for, and that's just to curb my loneliness. My horniness is really a distraction I find, and if regarded this way it becomes easier to just let that feeling pass. Loneliness too can be worked through and I find that life becomes a little bit more tolerable when that feeling of melancholy remains as a back drop to good humour.


I had made an appointment with Jade on January 25. I remember the date because it was the day when Kaoru left. I had made sure that I wouldn't be alone that night. I wasn't but I had a very tough time being in the presence of another person who could do nothing to help relieve my loneliness yet who was rubbing herself on my body and whose pussy was a few feet away from my face. She was also a big control freak. She needed to make sure that all the little details of the shower be well understood. I could only angle the shower head at a particular angle, I was to not step out of the shower dripping wet but had to dry myself in it a bit at first.

And it truly went on and on. I took it in good stride. I really don't like to be in opposition to the forces around me. If I am it is because I am afraid of something not turning out the way I had anticipated it.

Like this Valentine's day. I left club yesterday at like five to midnight. I just didn't want to be in the presence of the absurdity of the dance floor, the fat girl and the thong, the older woman with the pot belly looking at me promisingly then at another guy when she's done with me.

It was a truly empty experience other than the fact that I played pool better than I had anticipated and I got to dance to a couple of Reggae tunes. I also met a young Black student in physics who lived in Brooklyn for five years. He warned me how to deal with "Bad Boys".

"Just don't show them that you are scared," he advised.

"Even if there's a gun pointing to your head?" I asked intent on getting the right tips.

"Especially when there's a gun to your head. That's when you have to face the guy, look him straight in the eye and show him that you have no problems with the guy, that you are not his enemy."

Show him that I am not his enemy. Hmm. How many times do we feel in day that someone is our enemy? At work, at play, somewhere someone is doing something only to us.

I got a prostitute off the streets last week. What began as my just wanting blowjob for thirty to forty bucks in the back of my truck wound up being an invitation to her place which was really her friends place which she asked an extra twenty for. They we waited for her pusher. Then we free based and she injected. Then I asked if she would want to come to my place for an extra one hundred. She said sure. I felt gradually regretful of the proposition because as the night wore on (we stopped at a club for her to gamble at the VLT, then we waited around Fullum for a couple of bags of coke) I felt less aroused in her presence and really began to regret inviting her back to my place. The deal was for her to stay with me. But she really smelled bad and the sex part was truly repulsive. I really hated myself bad the next day. This was on Tuesday of last week. But I had a Bob Marley Tribute show on Wednesday and I did my best to still go out and have a good time despite being stood up for the event. I had made a date with a local St. Henri Jamaican girl. She claimed to be a musician and I thought she would enjoy a Reggae night out. Then she simply didn't show at the appointed street corner. Ironic that she should ask me to wait at a street corner.

I felt like a fool. I put my hope and feelings out there and she didn't show. That's okay, I called her house to see if she was there and her mom answered. I told her who I was, what I was doing, and about the date. She seemed sympathetic. At least now she knows that her daughter is silly in giving up the opportunity of spending an evening with a truly charming sounding fellow like myself.

Hey, I can't always be putting myself down.

Funny, I have this soundtrack to life belief. Often there is music nearby that really seems to fit with what we are experiencing at the time much like a soundtrack accompanies a scene in a movie.

Right now, a Reggae tune is playing,

"I am lonely tonight,"

Yep. I am lonely. I had many Valentines to be with women. I took it for granted, did little in the later part of the relationships. Now I wish I could kiss a woman I am in love with. It will take time. But somewhere out there, there is a woman who loves me and who I will love.

By the way, the prostitute who came to my place lifted my Panasonic portable cd player. I discovered it missing three days later. I went back to her friends' place (a wonder I remembered the location) and got it back from her. It was challenging in that there was initial opposition, denial, lies but with persistence and the ability to face the situation dead straight in the face and tell the friend who I was what I had paid for and why I was at her home the situation really advanced quickly. There was no shame. I was simply a guy who had wanted a blowjob and who got really sidetracked and then swindled.

I lacked the focus and discipline that night. I let myself be influenced by someone more destructive to me. I aided in that self destruction, participated in it, financed it. Just being in her presence, too close to the flames,
could destroy me, my life, my happiness, the wholesome aspects to my life. But what happens when those flames burn in your own belly?