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Dog loss, grief and memorials

Anna Bijou

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Sep 25, 2006
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I feel a bit silly writing about this but I'm doing it anyway. I realize not many people will understand how this can be important or a big deal. But I think some will.


My soul dog died on August 12, 2019.* She was more special than can ever be expressed and I know I will never get over the loss. But part of what's helped me cope is the things I did for/with her before and when she passed, as well as in the 3 years since. It helps keep at least some part of her with me even if she isn't here physically.


Before she passed, her mobility was very limited but we carried her places she liked the most, like water (she was part labrador after all), we had a picnic in the park so my/her friends could say their goodbyes, took her for rides & I sat in the back seat with her on my lap so she could do what she'd loved to do all her life - stick her head out the window and sniff, we played ball with her on the ground because she couldn't fetch anymore, I slept on the floor with her for the last month of her life, etc


Even though it cost more than I could afford at the time, I found a vet who agreed to do the euthanasia in a park, in a quiet spot under a tall tree. Ashes don't really mean anything to me personally, but I used black paint to get her footprints, which I got framed and are now hanging on my wall, next to a picture of her smiling. In the days after her death, I went through the hundreds of pictures and videos I had that were stored in different places so I could reorganize them, and save them in the same place. Of course, it was a way to go through all the great memories and after I was done, I made a memorial video montage.


When she passed, I knew it was out of the question that I would get a puppy and 'replace' her, as some well-meaning but completely clueless people had suggested. But I would feel like I'm betraying my dog. I don't feel like it would help because I was missing MY dog, not a dog or any dog. But as she got older, I developed a soft spot for senior dogs and when I was feeling really isolated during the pandemic, I missed the presence of a dog. Through coincidence, I ended up adopting an 11 year old senior dog who was at risk of being euthanized. I did it in honour of my girl.


I'm trying to think of a way to memorialize or honour her for the 'anniversary' of her departure. Except I'm at a loss and it's soon. They say it's important when grieving. I know it's a little silly but.. Have you ever done something to memorialize and honour someone you lost, or heard of someone else doing this? Any ideas for me?


*correction: I'm super bad with dates & a friend confused me by saying it was the 12th when it was, in fact, the 8th of August 2019. Doh.
 
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wiinston17

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Oct 14, 2014
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I'm terribly sorry for your loss especially as someone who generally prefers the company of pets as opposed to people. When I read your post, I couldn't help but to think of this video I watched about this blind youtuber who lost his service dog .


Is it possible for you to get a memento and put it near her favourite place so it can be immortalised similar to the video I posted? Also, I don't think it's wrong to get a new pup. Dogs have SO MUCH love to give that I don't think you would be betraying her. In addition, you will giving this new companion all the love it/they/he/she deserves (never felt comfortable calling a pet "it" since most have more humanity than us).

I lost my cat in 2018 as well and ever since, I always ask for a donation in the name of my departed companion as my birthday or Christmas gift to an SPCA (or any humane shelter). I will gladly donate in the name of your pet on August 12 (I'll just put "Soul" on the donation).
 
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GaryH

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Dec 1, 2014
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Anna - There is nothing silly about what you write and I think you will see that alot of people have empathy for your feelings. I was very touched by your story. I wished I had some ideas on how to memorialize your pet. Both wiinston and wetnose had good ideas for donations to shelters (they always need help.) And the video wiinston posted was cool.

Over 10 years ago I picked up an injured stray cat that was on the street to bring to the vet.I paid for surgery for the cat but was not prepared when the vet called me and said "I could take him home and nurse him for two weeks." I thought he would just go back out on the street. But sure enough I grew attached to the cat and he became my closest companion . I was devastated when he died suddenly 3 years ago. I vowed never to get another pet. But like you, I eventually went to the animal shelter and asked them for the cat that they had the most problems placing. I was shocked when they brought out this beautiful Maine Coon Cat. And I soon found the reason why he wasn't wanted. He ripped into anything he could get his paws onto. But you know I love this cat to and I am glad he has a home now.

And what a great benefit this love your pet gave to you. Because of her, you gave another pet a loving home they might never had. This is a great tribute to her. Thank you for sharing your story.
 
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Max15411

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Oct 12, 2010
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I have a dog and I get teary eyed when I think about the time where she won't be with us anymore. She's healthy for now and no reason why she shouldn't live for another 10-11 years, maybe more, but when we love our fur baby so much, we can't help but feel sad at the prospect.

It is not silly at all. You mentioned ashes, but it wasn't super clear if you have them or not. I personally would plant a tree that flowers in the spring and use some of her ashes to get the tree started on the right foot. I'd try to find somewhere that I can visit even if I move away from my current home. A public place even and set it up nicely with a little sign & picture so people don't cut it down. Actually you can even do this without the ashes.

Since you have her paw prints, maybe you can get a small tattoo near one of your wrists so you can carry her with you everywhere you go.

As for getting another dog or puppy, I understand that you can never replace your first "love", but that doesn't mean you don't have room in your heart to love another. It will help make it easier on you and I'm sure a new pup will feel the love you had, and still do, and be the sweetest little companion. You can love another pup in her honor and I don't see anything wrong in that at all.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents. I hope it helps in some small way.
 
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bodick7

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Dec 27, 2012
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It.took me 2-3 weeks to go through the worst. All this time I was doing our milk run again and again remembering good times.
Then one day I stopped and I was alright.

Got a new puppy 3 years later.:)
 

Anna Bijou

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Sep 25, 2006
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Wow thanks so much for all of your kind replies.

@Ogre Tones
I have a few books but didn't know about that one, actually. I'll check it out. Thanks!


Just to clarify, I did adopt a senior dog during Covid (oct 2020). She's 10lbs and she's adorable even with all the sass.. and small dog attitude. She is like a different species from my girl Lola. It has been quite an experience. Not only because I'm used to big dogs and she could not be any more different than Lola. It's just a very different experience getting to know a dog who's had a whole life already & lots of emotional baggage. I got Lola as a pup and she & I spent 13 years together.

I knew I wanted to adopt a senior dog because not many people want to but it also means she's starting to get health issues, which is par for the course, but still stressful. I don't regret it, she needed me & I'm happy to give her whatever I can, including lots of love, for her last years. I gave Lola hospice care 24/7 the last 2 months of her life and it was intense but I'll do whatever it takes for this little one until she let's me know she's ready to go (we're not there yet).

I hope you don't mind but since I'm talking about her, I wanted to share who she was. This is my Lola. The larger image is the one I have on my wall with the one of her pawprints:


Lola 2.jpg



And this is my little old lady who just turned 13:

55ab7559-6c44-4f2e-884c-ebb898b36d41.jpg




@Max15411
Clarification: I do not have the ashes. I did not request them. I don't really feel any attachment to ashes although I understand a lot of people do. I do really like the idea of planting a tree. Lola lived most of her life with me in Vancouver and only lived in Montreal for 2 years so there isn't really a spot I can think of but I will try to think. Maybe the park where she passed.

The tattoo is something I've thought of as well, still considering it.


@wiinston17
What my plan was, and I'm unsure if it is possible, was something I wanted to do long before she passed. I had seen it years before and decided I needed to do it. Because dogs have the coolest noses, I'd been wanting to get a mold of hers to have it made into a silver pendant, hoping for it to look like this:


screen-shot-2015-07-08-at-7-20-52-pm.png




When it became clear that she was getting close to being ready to go, I ordered the kit to get the mold - it's like putty. I knew she'd never let me do it while alive and knowing I'd be in no state to do it right after her passing, I asked my father to do it. He agreed but even with help from the vet, they had some trouble getting a good print of her nose. Well, that's what it seems like when you look at the molds.


I still kept them and a few months ago, I wrote the lady asking her if there was any way to know if the molds were ok before I ordered the pendant made & spent several hundred dollars. She suggested play-doh. I haven't tried it yet, kind of afraid of the result. No point if it's going to turn out weird or if you can't even see its a nose..

That would have been my ultimate favorite, a replica of her velvet nose to wear on a necklace. That's why I didn't really care for ashes, I wanted (want) her nose print! :)
 
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Max15411

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Oct 12, 2010
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Thanks for sharing their pictures. Lola is a beauty. No past tense here. She is clearly with you every day.

Ok, I'm gonna go give my dog a hug and try to get some cuddles out of her.
 
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wiinston17

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Oct 14, 2014
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Well, that's what it seems like when you look at the molds.

I still kept them and a few months ago, I wrote the lady asking her if there was any way to know if the molds were ok before I ordered the pendant made & spent several hundred dollars. She suggested play-doh. I haven't tried it yet, kind of afraid of the result. No point if it's going to turn out weird or if you can't even see its a nose..
I'm no casting expert but I think they use silver which could pick up more details than play-doh. Nonetheless, I see your point in terms of it coming out all wrong.

If I may, if I were you, I would still do it (I feel like it's worth the shot) but ask the lady to get the mold back (unless it's destroyed after casting which is moot) just in case someone else might be able to do a better job at some point. I have seen my fair share of extremely talented people.
 
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jmioffe

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Nov 17, 2016
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I'm sorry for your loss. Grief sucks. I saw this quote recently, maybe it will help.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

A friend said as much to me when I was dealing with grief: You will feel like a tree that was struck by an axe or lost a limb. There's no replacing it, and that loss will be with you forever. But over time, trees grow thicker and taller, people continue living, and that loss becomes a smaller part of the whole and that's how it stops hurting as much.

I hate revisiting these feelings, but people were kind enough to talk to me when I was dealing with grief, so I feel like it I should pay it forward.

So weird to be discussing these things on a message board about paying for sex! Who ever thought this bunch of pervs and whores were human too? Goes to show how much everything is a treasured part of the human experience.
 
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joeca

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Apr 11, 2005
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Hi Anna, so sorry to hear about your loss of Lola....it's not easy!

I am probably late to the game, but have you thought about marking the anniversary by doing something you would have done with her when she was around? A walk in the woods or a trip to the lake or something else she would have enjoyed?

If you were looking for something more permanent, maybe a favorite framed picture of both you or have an artist convert a favorite picture to a painted portrait?
 
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F117

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Anna, your reaction is perfectly normal. Personally, I am a "cat" person and currently just have one cat. (I have had as many as 3 at the same time, what a zoo!) When it's time for them, I insist on putting my face next to theirs so that we can share their last breath in this world and they can carry a bit of me to the next place and I can have a little of them with me.

My belief on why we grieve so deeply when they leave is because (unlike humans) they love us back without conditions. They only ask for food, water, affection, and a safe place. In return they give us 100% of their affection and love. They each leave a deep, lasting mark on our hearts, which is why we never get over them, we just go on.

When it came time to let my last little lady go, it took me months to put away her food and water bowls and already cleaned litter box. It took me years before I was ready to go to the animal shelter and go through the process of registering for a new little friend. (They are very thorough because they don't want to place a companion into an abusive home.) Because I can document my previous ownership, I qualified on the spot. They then let me tour the cat kennel, and I found exactly what I was looking for - a 14 month old female Bombay (all black with golden eyes).

Part of the selection process is that you have to sit in a glass walled room about 3 meters by 3 meters and a shelter attendant fetches the cat in its polyester cat bed and places it in your lap. Then they watch you for 10 - 15 minutes to see how you interact with the cat. When they fetched my new companion, she was asleep, curled in a ball of fur in her bed. They gently placed her in my lap and she didn't stir until I started crying like a baby. She sat up, sniffed my face, and then started licking the tears off my cheeks. The shelter observers had the privilege of watching a middle aged man crying over a not-quite kitten. Of course, if you've ever been licked by a cat you known their tongues are like sandpaper so soon I was laughing with joy as this little ball of black fur tried to groom my face.

That was 6 years ago. I now have a new Mistress of the house that follows me from room to room, lectures me on staying out to late, and goes to sleep with her head on my left pectoral chest muscle.

You will know when it's time. Nobody can predict when that will be, but you will just know.

Bon chance!

Benjamin
 

Carmine Falcone

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Feb 11, 2017
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So sorry for your loss, Anna. I lost a dog for the first time ever in February. She went from fine to two seizures and then not being herself in one short week. The whole week was tough, as I vacillated between being happy that she is her old self again to knowing what I must do so that she doesn't suffer. I didn't think I had cradling her in my arms on the kitchen floor for the last time with tears in my eyes on my bingo card for 2022, but here we are. I was pretty depressed for a few weeks, but it got better. I passed on getting a mold of her paw because I was distraught enough. To see an imprint of her paw was only going to make me feel even shittier than I already felt that she is no longer here.

These days when I hear an aggressive metal song, I always make myself laugh by saying Lucky would have written such a song. That's often a nod to her feisty spirit. She was always play fighting with the other dogs, but was also the sweetest and naturally obedient. Her spunk probably stemmed from being abandoned in a field and fending for herself as a puppy until I rescued her. Her first day at home involved me removing tick after tick from inside her ears. She was the only dog that took loved playing with my daughter.

So I know what it's like unfortunately. But as some point, the pain will give way only to the good memories. Hang in there.
 
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kabukicho

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I feel a bit silly writing about this but I'm doing it anyway. I realize not many people will understand how this can be important or a big deal. But I think some will.

The love you have for your four legged friend is absolutely beyond amazing.
 
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vanhamm

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Not dog but i do have senior cats, and i do understand how much pain it is when you lose an animal either it be a cat dog or any other animal you get attached too. The pain does go away but you never ever forget them.
 
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Anna Bijou

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I just watched a Ted talk and remembered this thread and how several of you seemed to relate to what I wrote. So I thought I'd share it. (She has another ted talk about euthanasia that is also quite good, if you enjoy this one)
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clemieux6

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Animals in general hit another level of emotions and always will. The loss of a dog or cat is a feeling I just can't explain. Ive always been a people pleaser in life but I can never seem to connect with people or get excited for certain things. Like... a new born baby, marriages, funerals, a lot of the time ive just always had a issue feeling happy or sad. Personally I think I'm dead inside lol, and at the end of the day if I could retire, be single, have a farm and rescue animals for the rest of my life.

For me thats a life complete
 
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Anna Bijou

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Sep 25, 2006
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My dog was a lot like that.. about balls. She could find them anywhere. Even when she lost the ability to chase it, she still loved playing. She never lost her appetite either. Having to decide when "its time" is one of the most cruel things to have to do out of love. It's also almost impossible to know.
 
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