How do SPs "keep it together"?

[joeblow]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading this thread since its inception but have not had time to pitch in my .02 so far. First of all, kudos to GG for bringing up this difficult but certainly interesting topic. We all know escorting, both from the SP and the john perspective, is a world of fantasy, illusions and lies, so I'm impressed by the fact that several posters here, especially among the SPs, have addressed the topic of "integrity" in a lucid and candid manner.

"Integrity" is the word that came to mind when reading the question "how to keep it together?" because that is precisely what people feel they are losing when they're obliged to hide behind a veil of hypocrisy, repeatedly lying to their families and loved ones about their hobby or their occupation or anything else. As a john, I can only speak for my side of the looking glass, but I expect SPs are a lot more prone to this wrenching feeling since their secret activities occupy a larger part of their lives. My hunch is that this "loss of integrity" feeling is one of the main factors that drive hobbyists-birds to flock together on boards such as this one as well as to social gatherings. All that to say that this thread certainly has therapeutic value in that respect, as in an AA meeting.

Still, I found myself in a state of glucose overload after reading all the sirupy comments on how rewarding it is to provide an SP with BFE, treat her as a queen and so on. I just can't rid my mind of that quip that says that the best moment in a session for an SP is when she picks up the money and exits the room. Now I'm sure there are exceptions to that rule, as in everything, but it still rings so true. Do any of the wannabe-boyfriends out there believe that an SP can share her private dreams or anguish with a john the've known for a whopping 2 hours? Let's do a reality check, eh? I can already read the "If-you-haven't-experienced-it, don't-bash-it" rejoinder, but having "been there and done that", I'lll stick with my skepticism over other peoples delusions. Ok, enough rambling.

Mariane, quelle délicieuse expression que tu as trouvée là! Il y aurait donc des conceptions « néandertalienno-abolitionnistes » au sein même de la FFQ!? Mon intuition là dessus est que ces femmes sont simplement jalouses de la forme de pouvoir qu'ont acquises les escortes qui ne se présentent pas en victimes. Dans le paradigme de la FFQ, le sexe ne peut être autre chose qu'un vecteur d'oppression des femmes par les hommes, et certainement pas un moyen de subsistance pour les femmes qui savent exploiter la faiblesse des hommes! Comme votre existence ne cadre pas avec leur vision du monde, elles veulent votre bien, et gare à nous tous si elles l'obtiennent

 

[General Gonad]

Regnad,

Your reply to Joe was bang on. Nobody on this thread is deluding themselves into thinking we are going to experience a deep, spiritual, sexual connection in two hours although I have had a handful of great encounters. We are simply saying that ``we``, the clients, need to realize that these women have be treated like warm, loving creatures, and we shouldn`t reduce them to meaningless objects of lust that serve no other purpose than fulfilling our basic carnal urges. If all you see is BBJTCIM, ANAL, DATY, blah, blah, blah, than you do not deserve to get high mileage even if you pay for sexual services. Take the time to listen to an SP, ask her how she is feeling, what are her ambitions, what makes her feel good when she is with a client. It doesn`t take expensive gifts to make someone warm up to you and when they do, it pays off for both of you.

Now, as for Mariane`s post, she was correctly pointing out how in our era, women`s groups like the Quebec Federation of Women, treat companions with an even worse social stigma than in the nineteenth century. Mariane is open about her profession but she struggles with the close-minded attitudes that pervade our society. All I can say is that she is right. Most of these militant ``women`s rights`` women who frown on escorts have lost complete touch with their femininity.There is so much hypocrisy out there and the truth is that escorts intimidate many of these women`s rights groups because they are refreshingly honest with themselves and with the opposite sex.

GG

 

[joeblow]

GG - Actually, your posts #21, #25 and #33 in this thread do lead me to believe that you hope an SP will give you something intimate in return for you making her "feel like a queen, like she was the most important, precious person in the world" and for "taking the time to listen to (her), ask her how she is feeling, what are her ambitions". I fully believe in being pleasant to SPs, treating them with courtesy and respect, and trying to make a session a positive experience for them too (and I think my reviews here testify to that), as I do with anyone other type of service provider. I have no complaints about my milleage and have shared some good conversations. But during these brief encounters (even the longer ones), I never forget the commercial aspect of the situation, which is basically A giving sex to B in exchange for B's money. It's not B paying A to give B the opportunity to prove he's a great guy.

Anyway, getting back to the topic, I think it's easier for an SP "to keep things together" when, during a session, there's no hint of anything beyond a pleasant business transaction, than when she is seduced into opening up a bit (emotionnally speaking) to a john that she may never see again.


regnad - You seem to enjoy levelling sarcasm. I've had it with you. Just remember the last time you indulged yourself in that game with me, it turned out you were dead wrong: Chloe did return to work, despite your righteous parroting of her claims to you to the contrary. Perhaps you have a little tendency to delude yourself about the feelings young women (maybe half your age) that you meet on a commercial basis may have about you.

I'm off for the weekend.

 

[Just-ass-weet]

Joeblow,

I doubt that as many SPs as you believe actually feel that picking up the money and leaving is the best part of escorting. I think you will find that the ladies who only offer GFE stuff for an extra rate are the most (not always) prone to such a feeling and expression.

And as for my sweet friend Chloe - she never planned on coming back and did so with great regret (after I advised her that it was a bad idea), I do believe that she will remain retired now. You obviously see this as a weakness of the part of regnad... instead, I see it as great strength.

To get on track, let me explain how I am fairly certain I "cope" with this business.

I don't sell sex (i know some of you will argue with that - but don't forget that we are discussing coping mechanisms), or have a menu of what I will and won't do. I spend time with you, it is sensual time, intimate play, but at no time, have I felt like I was obliged to have sex or perform sex acts. Maybe I am fooling myself (if I am, I am damn good at it), but I have always given myself the right to NOT do anything, even if it meant losing money.

xoxox
Anik

 

[General Gonad]

Joeblow,

I don't sell sex (i know some of you will argue with that - but don't forget that we are discussing coping mechanisms), or have a menu of what I will and won't do. I spend time with you, it is sensual time, intimate play, but at no time, have I felt like I was obliged to have sex or perform sex acts. Maybe I am fooling myself (if I am, I am damn good at it), but I have always given myself the right to NOT do anything, even if it meant losing money.

xoxox
Anik

Anik, I understand what you mean and, being independent, you are in a better position than agency women to refuse certain acts even if it means losing money. I think the way you cope with it is not to think of it as a pure exchange of money for sex, but as a sensual, intimate time where you want to enjoy it as well. Now I know why sweet is in your title

GG

 

[General Gonad]

And they have feelings. They have feelings if they meet you for dinner, unrelated to their work lives; they have feelings when they go to school, those that do; they have feelings when they go home to visit their parents; and, believe it or not, they have feelings when they knock on your door at the Chablis.

Oh they sure do. We all do and we all have insecurities as well. In fact, we spend the better part of our lives trying to deal with our insecurities.

GG

 

[naughtylady]

I think Anik and I share alot of the same philosophy. First and fore most I look at this as a business that is profitable and a lot of fun. It was not the same when I was an agency girl. I like the independance, being my own boss, making the rules, deciding who I want to spend my time with. Knowing that at no time will I ever have to do anything I do not want to do makes a big difference.

For me a date is play time. If do not think that I will have fun then the date will not happen. If I don't like the tone of an email, the date will not happen. If during our phone conversation something doesn't feel right, the date will not happen. This might be the reason that more often than not work does not feel like work, and I have a good time. Just the fact I choose to call it a "date" shows you how I like to look at things.

Ronnie,
Naughtylady

 

[General Gonad]

I think Anik and I share alot of the same philosophy. For me a date is play time. If do not think that I will have fun then the date will not happen. If I don't like the tone of an email, the date will not happen. If during our phone conversation something doesn't feel right, the date will not happen. This might be the reason that more often than not work does not feel like work, and I have a good time. Just the fact I choose to call it a "date" shows you how I like to look at things.

Ronnie,
Naughtylady

Ronnie, your experience shows in that comment. One of the reasons that I prefer independents is because they can screen and choose who to meet. You have the ability to trust your instincts. As for the fun part, it should always be fun! I cannot stand people that take everything too seriously. You need to loosen up, relax, and be able to laugh and enjoy your company.

GG

 

[Just-ass-weet]

Anik, I think the way you cope with it is not to think of it as a pure exchange of money for sex, but as a sensual, intimate time where you want to enjoy it as well. Now I know why sweet is in your title

GG

You got it right on! One day, I will no longer be in this business, and I hope that at least a few of the gentlemen I see will continue to be friends. I say friends because I consider many of the guys that I have met as friends... if anyone of them is having a bad day, not feeling well, or whatever, heck, I would encourage them to call me, ask them to coffee, try to cheer them up... isn't that what a friend would do?

I am lucky enough that I have no need to hide what I do from the people I care about... they all know, and are very supportive of me, their main concern is my safety.

I agree that being indy allows me the comforts and benefits of getting to know the person I will be meeting with is someone I can enjoy. One of my favorite screening "devices?" is to have scheduled a telephone call, one of the first things I ask is that they tell me a story of something that brings a smile to their face. Some people think that that is weird (and they may be right) but there is something about picturing them smiling while talking to me that allows me to "see" them.

xoxox
Anik

 

[General Gonad]

Anik,

The fact that you can develop friendships in this business says a lot about you and your ability to screen out the scrap. I like your screening question since I was thinking of something more blunt like: "Tell me about your worst experience with an SP and why you were dissatisfied?"

GG

 

[Just-ass-weet]

"Tell me about your worst experience with an SP and why you were dissatisfied?"

GG

Interesting question, however, I am a positive person, and that starts things on a negative note (though the answer could be contrustive), I love to focus on something nice and sweet, I believe that sets the mood.

This is a really great thread for us ladies to let you into our world, and wonderfully revealing at how the gents are reacting to shared information like this. *applause*

xoxox
Anik

 

[MakeIt]

What a great thread. GG and Regnad, you've made some excellent points and you can't beat the real feelings and experience contributed by Anik, Zaphyr, Ronnie and Mariane.

I feel very much as Regnad does on this point - perhaps because we share a similar offspring situation though mine are not quite as grown yet. However, I have to say I have these contradictory feelings about how SPs must deal with everyday life.

First the quick and easy - its a business like any other. I'm in business and I recognize Anik's post as the everyday problems of dealing with customers - but she really nails it - all businesses have great customers who understand the benefits of having a good relationship with a supplier; but we all have lousy annoying customers who complain about anything no matter how hard you try to please them. Even it its free, its still too expensive! Certainly, some businesses are tougher to handle than others, but if you're on the front lines dealing with customers, you can expect some abuse in all businesses. In some cases, very abusive - some customers just want to hurt you to show how powerful they think they are.

You can also compare SPs to employees and self-employed professionals. There's some great ones out there. Some agencies have one superstar and the rest of the girls do well thanks to her - just like any business. Some have a couple of really horrible SPs and the rest of the girls suffer because of them. The best managed agencies and independents deal with this and it shows especially when you read reviews on MERB and elsewhere. One more parallel to employees - the best are the ones who really enjoy what they are doing because it fulfills them in some way. The worst are the ones who hate what they are doing becuase they feel it demeans them and they are worthy of more - and I'm not talking about the sex trade here.

Where my contradiction occurs for me is in my personal dealings and feelings with SPs. Like Regnad, I've had some real sweethearts that I've connected with - I've also had some experiences that made me wonder why the girl is an SP. They obviously disliked it - it takes all kinds.

My feelings of concern is for those SPs I meet who are obviously good and nice people but are struggling with this career choice. They have a bunch of problems and I feel sympathy for their situations and I also worry for them as I'm sure their parents would if they knew what they were doing.

First off, clearly there are customers who are disrespectful to them and that wound them emotionally (if not physically) for a long time. Also, as careful as most are, everyday they put themselves at risk of catching an STD - some of which are serious. Some clients are just plain dangerous trying to convince girls to have unprotected sex!

Next, like many people, they're not highly disciplined about preparing themselves for their next job- they're just going about everyday life. The problem is if your 25 and want to make a career change, and the only thing you've got on you're CV is Escort, its going to make finding a job outside of the sex trade difficult simply because of the stigma attached to this. In addition, escorting is a little like a professional athlete in this sense - retirement will come a lot earlier than in other careers. Its no fun being 40 and still trying to make a living playing hockey in the minor leagues and living on a bus. Similarly, there will always be a small market for mature escorts, but if you've been an escort (or any other job) for 20 years, you've got to fed up.

Finally, how difficult it must be to establish a long-term relationship with somebody. There may be boyfriends out there who can handle it but I think the problem is the SP can't handle establishing the realtionship because they feel stigmatized by this career choice and unworthy of being with someone. So I suppose they end up with a guys who in reality are not even good enough for them. I suppose being imtimate (if you can call it that) with several guys a week can help fill in some of the loneliness but in the long run, it can't replace a loving relationship.

For SPs with the above issues, I'm not sure there's much a client who cares about these people can do for them other than treat them with complete respect when you meet them. Hopefully they will do the same to you. I remember once another member made a statement about meeting SPs that I completely agree with. Even if you are paying them, you are previleged to be in their company.

A few final comments. If you hire people for a living and someone you are interviewing to hire told you that they had worked as an escort, this should not be seen a a negative in hiring them as long they' re qualified for what you want to hire them for ( and many are fully qualified for all kinds of jobs - they just don't have the confidence). Doing otherwise is just not right.

Finally, a couple of SPs I've met are real pros in every way and they know what they want and are very self-confident people. These people do not have any of the problems I've mentioned above and I think they could do anything they choose to do. I met people like this in many other lines of business - luckily for us, these ones just happen to choose to be SPs.

 

[General Gonad]

Interesting question, however, I am a positive person, and that starts things on a negative note (though the answer could be contrustive), I love to focus on something nice and sweet, I believe that sets the mood.
xoxox
Anik

Anik,

You are right. As I wrote this last night, I was thinking of also including the positive side to my screening question: "Describe your best experience with an SP and why you left satisfied?" However, I do feel that the way someone responds to negative questions says a lot about that person.

MakeIt, you correctly point out that: "You can also compare SPs to employees and self-employed professionals. There's some great ones out there. Some agencies have one superstar and the rest of the girls do well thanks to her - just like any business. Some have a couple of really horrible SPs and the rest of the girls suffer because of them. The best managed agencies and independents deal with this and it shows especially when you read reviews on MERB and elsewhere. One more parallel to employees - the best are the ones who really enjoy what they are doing because it fulfills them in some way. The worst are the ones who hate what they are doing becuase they feel it demeans them and they are worthy of more - and I'm not talking about the sex trade here."

I am sure there are some excellent SPs working at agencies who love what they are doing but the fact is that I cannot properly screen them by conversing with them prior to meeting them. I have to rely on reviews, which if researched properly, can also help me screen. Generally, I prefer independent SPs because they do not need to answer to anyone but themselves, allowing them to book as many clients as they are willing to see.


GG

 

[Regular Guy]

And now from the guys....

Interesting to note that the guys have their own set of issues:

https://merb.cc/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=14443

 

[General Gonad]

Regular guy, the men are realizing that like everything else, the novelty of this hobby wears out quickly, especially if you're looking for your next "fix". Many of these men are addicted to this hobby, but like all addictions, when the high wears out, you could come crashing down. I do not think these psychological issues are the same as the ones that the SPs deal with. In any case, it reinforces what I have realized: be selective and go for quality, not quantity. If you get bored of meeting people and are not having fun, then stop the hobby altogether. I know it is blasphemy to state this on the MERB board, but there is a lot more to life than just sex.

GG

 

[Regular Guy]

For sure..

No question about it GG. I guess the real thing that struck me is that in their own way the guys sometimes seem to have to deal with "keeping it together".
Whether this involves burnout or questions of romantic or sexual fulfillment I suppose one might draw some general conclusions. Though I get the impression that the girls are a bit more resilient in that department.

I am right with you on the idea of quality experiences over quantity. IMHO (I am new at this) I suspect there are many reasons other than just adventure which brings many guys to pursue the sp's. Some may have just taken a hit on a relationship that went south. Some may be loners who need their injection of femininity but realize they cannot sustain a relationship. Some may be young guys wanting to boost their skills and confidence. Some may just be self-indulgent hedonists, just to name a few. Those who are astute will realize that sp's and the guys are all human beings. Personality clicks and clashes will occur no matter how good the actress (notwithstanding the legendary people skills of , for example Jessy of Satin Dreams - on my "to meet list"). If the sp walks into your room and within a few minutes you both realize there is a connection, then fireworks. We have all read the accounts of one guy's miserable experience with an sp then another's rewarding account with the same sp. It is a complex issue. So as I think you are saying, if you find a winner then consider her a keeper. Also some sp's in turn as has been stated, screen out their list of undesireables. And maybe this is how it should be. Developing a relationship over time with an sp where you both are comfortable with each other, has its own rewards or, alternatively, any sp who is so into "it" as to make your encounter memorable are rare jewels and should be cherished.

I don't suppose it is any secret that many sp's should not be in the business for a variety of reasons and that goes for some agency owners. Sp's should all be of the quality of the girls who have posted on this thread. And agency owners should all be up to the standards of Celine and the few others who offer a class act. Quality over quantity. And never lose sight of the need for balance in one's life. What is the ancient Greek platitude - "Everything in moderation"?

 

[General Gonad]

On moderation and reflections

I don't suppose it is any secret that many sp's should not be in the business for a variety of reasons and that goes for some agency owners. Sp's should all be of the quality of the girls who have posted on this thread. And agency owners should all be up to the standards of Celine and the few others who offer a class act. Quality over quantity. And never lose sight of the need for balance in one's life. What is the ancient Greek platitude - "Everything in moderation"?

Regular Guy, I enjoyed reading your last post. Moderation in life is something that is essential. There is also an old Latin saying, "Sola Dosis Facit Venenom," (only the dose makes the venom). Everyone has their own reasons to explore this hobby. You can enjoy a moment of bliss but you might also begin a process of self-examination where you wonder: where am I going with this? What exactly am I looking for? Does this fulfill me in any deep way? Am I harming to my psychological state of mind without even knowing it?

By the way, the SPs are probably asking themselves the same questions. As far as I am concerned, I would rather find a few excellent SPs that I can enjoy on an infrequent basis. But this is easier said than done. You need to both click on all levels and that is rare. But if I find that I am simply not enjoying these experiences anymore, I will just stop with no regrets. Hmmm, maybe I am nearing the end of my rope...

GG

 

[PHNINE]

I am always fascinated by the psychological aspects of escorting. Yes, it is the oldest profession but it also takes its toll on one`s mind. I have many conversations with SPs. It might surprise many clients that many SPs have a very low self-esteem which can often be traced back to abuse in their childhood. They often feel the need to `fill a void` by meeting a man that compliments them. The "easy money" is undeniable but this is not an easy profession. I remember watching Ron Jeremy`s (male porn star) documentary and feeling for the guy because he was never able to develop a meaningful relationship; he was lonely and in constant need for attention.

I wonder how SPs deal with this loneliness. How easy is it to switch off and go into SP mode? How hard is it to leave the profession and start a "normal" life? How hard is it to confront the demons from the past and to liberate yourself from them?

I guess this thread is mostly intended for SPS but I doubt many will feel comfortable discussing these issues in a public forum. But you never know...


GG

Very interesting topic you bring up GG. I have also wondered at the ability for women in this profession to live the lives they do and maintain a some what decent state of sanity. I have been hobbying for about 6 years now, yet only found out about review boards this past Aug. Before then, talking about this hobby was always taboo. However once I found out about it, I must say I am addicted to the review process. Since Aug, I accumulated close to 2000 posts on MERB`s mother site, https://terb.cc, my handle is the same over there. I am an active member there, and if you ever have a chance check out my reviews. Anyway, I am fairly new to the review scene, however veteran in terms of the hobby.

In my six years of hobbying I have come to make friends with many many SP`s. Most of them come and go more often then let`s say your latest pop group, or blockbuster movie title. Some stick around longer then others, but primarily they come and go. I have only kept in contact with two of them, which I can proudly say have retired successfully and managed to lead pretty normal lives after their SPing days. It does take an emotional toll on them, and at times it takes years to cure. Being close friends with these girls I remember nights where I would get called in the middle of night and asked to go comfort them because they couldn`t bare being alone, or sleeping alone. Some turned to drugs, and that is never a good thing. One even had me stay with her for a whole weekend because she wanted to kick an E/Coke addiction. She is fine now, with a normal desk job and trying to get her life on track to one day meet Mr. Right.

You are also right about many of these girls being the way they are and requiring the attention they need due to family issues in their past. Regardless if it was molestation or abuse, it all factors in to this desire to be loved and cared for by men or sometimes even women. Sad, but true. That is why I always tell people asking me for hobby advice to treat these girls with as much repsect as possible. What they isn`t easy, and it sure isn`t easier when you have forums liek this for clients to openly review them. I mean can you imagine if there was a client review board? It would be brutal. LOL

I hope I shed some light on your topic. The crux of my post is that it isn;t easy for these girls to do waht they do, and still manage to live sane lives. I have seen the worst case scenarios to the best case scenarios, where the girls actually quit and left no questions asked. That is obviously very rare. And any SP that says they don`t regret or have fucked up thoughts after the retire are lying. We are all human and we all have human emotions. All in all, I know what it is like to fucked up things for money. Who are we to judge? I am not proud of some of the things I did when I was a young buck mixed up in the wrong crowd. I would of hated to have been judged then. Same goes for these SP`s. As long as no one is forced to work in this profession, judgment should be left at the door. Alright thanks for reading. Sorry if it is a long post, I usually post long...just read my reviews on TERB. LOL Happy hunting MERB/TERBites...

 

[Regular Guy]

Bfe?

Being close friends with these girls I remember nights where I would get called in the middle of night and asked to go comfort them because they couldn't bare being alone, or sleeping alone.
You are also right about many of these girls being the way they are and requiring the attention they need due to family issues in their past. Regardless if it was molestation or abuse, it all factors in to this desire to be loved and cared for by men or sometimes even women. Sad, but true. That is why I always tell people asking me for hobby advice to treat these girls with as much repsect as possible. What they isn't easy, and it sure isn't easier when you have forums liek this for clients to openly review them. I mean can you imagine if there was a client review board? It would be brutal. LOL

Very revealing post PHNINE. Perhaps you are helping to rewrite the definition of BFE. It's a two way street. Maybe we need a new currency. Perhaps those who ask for GFE should consider giving back. Maybe it's not too much to be asked to be sensitive to the needs of the girls who are vulnerable. Doesn't mean you have to have "sucker" stamped on your forehead. Be judicious.

It's great PHNINE, that you gave of yourself if only to hold them in the night when it got dark and scary - to be there for them. Not all would ask for that nor need it but all women want to feel appreciated, accepted and respected. Compliments and small gestures go a long way. If she appreciates this on our parts and reciprocates, then it will be richer for all. Don't the girls who give so much of themselves have a right to a little ego boosting? The girls PHNINE describes above deserve to leave you feeling as if they were on top of the world (and not just because they managed to part you from your hard-earned cash). And if it comes to being there for them when it counts then maybe that's all right too. It would be great to get all sp's to where Ronnie is at: bubbly, confident, eyes full of sparkle and mischief, just happy to be alive. (All right so I'm kissing up!)

 

[naughtylady]

I just thought I would let you guys know that I am finding it very refreashing to read the insightful comments from you guys. (You know who you are, yes Regular Guy you are one of them )

I held back on answering in this thread at first because I wanted to see what direction it was going to go first. It is nice to see a thread that recognises that both SPs and hobbiests are people first struggling to make their own place in this world, often with the exact same issues and feelings.

PHNINE>> The girls you are referring to are very much like some of my cients... people who are lonely and find the night so long when they are alone. This business is about so much more than sex.

Something to think about>> Before these boards, many hobbiests were leading a double life in much the same way SPs are... many still are. Especially the ones who have poor social skills and/or poor self image and find it difficult to get close to women intimately any other way...

Ronnie,
Naughtylady