There are so many single moms out there that it's brutal. Of course, some of them are quite hot but there are certain issues with chicks with kids. So would you be willing to have a serious relationship with a single mom? For me, the answer is no, but that's just me.
Single Moms?
- Thread starter ExoticSpirit
- Start date
Issues!
Another consideration is the awkward position you are put in in terms of validation within the family unit. They will always be her children and she will always have the ultimate say in matters of discipline. Try to discipline her children and "Prepare to repel boarders!" This can turn a household into a living hell if discipline on her part is somewhat less than effective. Or the unfortunate fellow is outnumbered. He is expected to pay half though. Often these kinds of relationships don't really have legs.
It becomes a different matter if one of your own comes along. But then you often have two family units within the household.
Oddly enough I have seen where the children from the previous sperm donor are sometimes put somewhat
on the outside by a mother wishing to ensure her place with her new found mate.
These relationships can and do work but it takes a pretty amazingly tolerant fellow who can tread the narrow path.
I would now that I have my own. But perhaps it is more about the male desire to pass on a heritage in his children, to pass on his own genes, if you like.ExoticSpirit said:
Another consideration is the awkward position you are put in in terms of validation within the family unit. They will always be her children and she will always have the ultimate say in matters of discipline. Try to discipline her children and "Prepare to repel boarders!" This can turn a household into a living hell if discipline on her part is somewhat less than effective. Or the unfortunate fellow is outnumbered. He is expected to pay half though. Often these kinds of relationships don't really have legs.
It becomes a different matter if one of your own comes along. But then you often have two family units within the household.
Oddly enough I have seen where the children from the previous sperm donor are sometimes put somewhat
on the outside by a mother wishing to ensure her place with her new found mate.
These relationships can and do work but it takes a pretty amazingly tolerant fellow who can tread the narrow path.
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I would, but I would be more comfortable if the children were older (like teenagers or young adults). But I like my women older, so that's just me.
One thing you have to know if you decide to pursue a single mom though, is remember to never make her decide between you and the kids. Bad (and stupid) move. As long as you know (and understand) that you will be 2nd, and have no problem with that, go for it.
One thing you have to know if you decide to pursue a single mom though, is remember to never make her decide between you and the kids. Bad (and stupid) move. As long as you know (and understand) that you will be 2nd, and have no problem with that, go for it.
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My_dingaling said:
Let's assume a single mom is hot and she does all you wish for, except she might have her kids in the next room who could interrupt anytime because they can't sleep, or she's got to go early because of her kids' school schedule, or her kids are spoiled rotten, etc. You get the idea?
One BIG problem.
Hello all,
I voted yes.
I asked one woman, how did your kids turn out so well? My husband and I supported each other in all decisions regarding them.
I know another woman with kids who was in love with this guy. Her kids were middle and older teenagers then who gave their mother a very hard time. The guy gave advice on how things should be handled, basically not giving in so much. The couple argued about the kids often. Then one day the woman told her guy to mind his own business, she would decide how to handle the kids and he should stay out of it. Since the couple was living together, and had some thought of getting married, this meant the guy was supposed to sit back and endure all the arguments and issues between the kids and the mother while keeping his mouth shut. They broke up.
For me, if you date a woman with kids and it becomes serious, then being a couple means equal say in all matters since decisions regarding the kid(s) clearly affects the lives of all equally regardless of the paternity of the kids. If both adults are supporting the household and the kids, then both have a say in everything. If either the man or the woman has kids and wants someone to be in their life and take on responsibilities then that means sharing all in their lives and responsibilities too...regardless of maternal or paternal feelings of responsibility, rights, or territoriality.
Hello Dee,
Is the view that it was none of your business because all was fine between her and the kids? What if there had been the common battles and it affected your life harshly. I am not saying anyone should usurp the mother's right to teach her children her beliefs and values. But when there is frequent battling isn't that inevitably your business. Or do you just leave her to endure it all alone while you live there. That doesn't sound like a couple to me. And hopefully two people are together because they have common view and values..not just sexual excitement...unless one is just using her for sex and there is no serious relationship. Or do I define "relationship" too "completely"?????
Cheers,
Merlot
Hello all,
I voted yes.
I asked one woman, how did your kids turn out so well? My husband and I supported each other in all decisions regarding them.
I know another woman with kids who was in love with this guy. Her kids were middle and older teenagers then who gave their mother a very hard time. The guy gave advice on how things should be handled, basically not giving in so much. The couple argued about the kids often. Then one day the woman told her guy to mind his own business, she would decide how to handle the kids and he should stay out of it. Since the couple was living together, and had some thought of getting married, this meant the guy was supposed to sit back and endure all the arguments and issues between the kids and the mother while keeping his mouth shut. They broke up.
For me, if you date a woman with kids and it becomes serious, then being a couple means equal say in all matters since decisions regarding the kid(s) clearly affects the lives of all equally regardless of the paternity of the kids. If both adults are supporting the household and the kids, then both have a say in everything. If either the man or the woman has kids and wants someone to be in their life and take on responsibilities then that means sharing all in their lives and responsibilities too...regardless of maternal or paternal feelings of responsibility, rights, or territoriality.
Dee said:
Hello Dee,
Is the view that it was none of your business because all was fine between her and the kids? What if there had been the common battles and it affected your life harshly. I am not saying anyone should usurp the mother's right to teach her children her beliefs and values. But when there is frequent battling isn't that inevitably your business. Or do you just leave her to endure it all alone while you live there. That doesn't sound like a couple to me. And hopefully two people are together because they have common view and values..not just sexual excitement...unless one is just using her for sex and there is no serious relationship. Or do I define "relationship" too "completely"?????
Cheers,
Merlot
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I was in a relationship for a long time with a lady who had kids. I feared living with her because of the kids (one was still at home) but that aspect worked just fine. I was surprised. Only one dispute the whole time.
I worked on the theory that her kids were first in her life and it wasn't my business to direct them. Even though I've been given the boot by the mom one of the kids still seeks me out for some help from time to time... I feel very close to him.
I worked on the theory that her kids were first in her life and it wasn't my business to direct them. Even though I've been given the boot by the mom one of the kids still seeks me out for some help from time to time... I feel very close to him.
Merlot said:
A fair question. I was lucky as generally all was fine between her and her kids. Her kids respected her. The one at home was an easy going guy. About the hardest time to "stay out of it" was when I knew he was putting something over on her. He was a very bright guy but lazy and in the end it cost him academically (although he seems to be on track now).
whitesoxs said:
oralover said:
Sure, why not have a meaningful relationship with someone who already has children?
Love is something that multiplies when shared. It is not as if a person has only so much love in them and if they have children there is less left for you.
Ronnie,
Naughtylady
If you date the Mom, you date the kid.
Maybe.
But in my experience, if you date the Mom, you date the kid. They generally comes as a package.
Worse, if you do that, you are by definition walking into a failed situation.
I am not saying no. But the prognosis on this sort of thing is not good.
ExoticSpirit said:
Maybe.
But in my experience, if you date the Mom, you date the kid. They generally comes as a package.
Worse, if you do that, you are by definition walking into a failed situation.
I am not saying no. But the prognosis on this sort of thing is not good.
I've dated a single mom. The kid wasn't at all a problem, in fact I liked her kid a lot and her kid made me like her more, but there were other problems. I guess if it got more serious, the influence of the kid's father might have been a complicating factor. I never met him, but you have to consider that the other guy is always going to be a factor and possibly and option for her.
Done that!!!
Did that with one boyfriend... The kids and I got along really well, to the point were even though my boyfriend and I didn't get married they gave me the same respect as there mom and even call me mom... The relationship between the boyfriend died but the bond between me and the kids are still strong... And the relationships been done for over 3 years now
whitesoxs said:
Did that with one boyfriend... The kids and I got along really well, to the point were even though my boyfriend and I didn't get married they gave me the same respect as there mom and even call me mom... The relationship between the boyfriend died but the bond between me and the kids are still strong... And the relationships been done for over 3 years now
Been there, done that and worn the tee shirt...no more!
I've dated few single moms. As mentionned previously the kid wasn't at all a problem except once (but again the kid was not really the problem, his lack of education was the problem, we cannot blaim children).
Reasons why I won't date single mom (never say never but...she must be f****smart, cute and hot (rich is a bonus!)):
- The influence of the kid's father is a complicating factor: I've few exemples in mind. I had to deal with probably one of the worst father in Quebec...the grand father's companion (Gay) actually abused the kid when he was 3.. Because of the money, nobody including the kid's father himself didn't step-up and say something. Everybody act like nothing happen. In my situation, there's nothing you can say! You're not the father...so shut-up. They almost threatned me because I've mentionned once the possibility to call the DPJ.
- Education: most of the time there's nothing you can say about kids education...they're just not yours! If things are going all right...it's normal, if things are going bad, just shut the fuck up these are not yours and enjoy the situation in silence.
- Competition between the parents: Separated parents are always trying to be prefered by their kids and they re willing to do crazy things to be that one. Exemple: buying stuffs and presents without no limit...the "Yes" pattern.
- Gap between educations: Kids are just kids, you cannot ask them to adjust themselves like mature adults. Parenting is not easy! I lived crazy situations. Kid's going to his father's place and it takes 3 days to get him back on his mother education style. Same thing with nutrition...
- Money: most of the time single mothers doesn't really have supports from the daddies. Consequence is simple: single mother= broke. There are exceptions sure, but for the most part, a man's wallet will come in to play here over the long run. Men tend to have reservations about spending money on another man's child. It's a biogical thing.
- Time: If you didn't have kids, we'd have more time with each other when we want it. Sure, call us selfish or immature but again, without kids you are more available and more free. Remember before you had kids what it was like ladies? The father of your kids does!
- Competition between you and the kid:Yes there's one! believe me. The bulk of her compassion, devotion and sympathy is reserved for her child. Can you deal with second place? Single mother won t love you in first place...you're always be second or third. Don't even think about being her priority...even once in a while! Because for the most part, her child will be the default recipient of her love. You must be capable of understanding and accepting that fact. And guess what, there's nothing you can do...that's normal. Mature women'll tell you, I love you but in a different way. May be I've too much trauma based on my oedipe complex...ahahaha
Based on my different experiences, there's one exception I could consider which is Widow. Not really sure but!
To be frank, a lot of the young mentality women is very selfish and immature. And by immature, I mean unwilling to accept the consequences of choices you've made through out your lives. There are trade offs in life, and based on my different experiences, women expect men to make trade offs but not make any trade offs themselves. I remain optimistic that this mentality is not the majority of single mothers. Not all single mothers made bad choices, even those that did marry a looser because of their own insecurities could have grown as a person and become emotionally healthy. Some are just victim's of circumstances, their past relationships didn't work.
My advice to Men:
"For every single mom, there is a dad who is delinquent in the dad department.' Men have been walking away from children since the beginning of time. If you are not man enough to be a dad, keep it in your pants.
At the end of the day, date whoever you want...kid or no kid. Be responsible!
PS: Feel free to say I'm selfish bastard....no problemo!
I've dated few single moms. As mentionned previously the kid wasn't at all a problem except once (but again the kid was not really the problem, his lack of education was the problem, we cannot blaim children).
Reasons why I won't date single mom (never say never but...she must be f****smart, cute and hot (rich is a bonus!)):
- The influence of the kid's father is a complicating factor: I've few exemples in mind. I had to deal with probably one of the worst father in Quebec...the grand father's companion (Gay) actually abused the kid when he was 3.. Because of the money, nobody including the kid's father himself didn't step-up and say something. Everybody act like nothing happen. In my situation, there's nothing you can say! You're not the father...so shut-up. They almost threatned me because I've mentionned once the possibility to call the DPJ.
- Education: most of the time there's nothing you can say about kids education...they're just not yours! If things are going all right...it's normal, if things are going bad, just shut the fuck up these are not yours and enjoy the situation in silence.
- Competition between the parents: Separated parents are always trying to be prefered by their kids and they re willing to do crazy things to be that one. Exemple: buying stuffs and presents without no limit...the "Yes" pattern.
- Gap between educations: Kids are just kids, you cannot ask them to adjust themselves like mature adults. Parenting is not easy! I lived crazy situations. Kid's going to his father's place and it takes 3 days to get him back on his mother education style. Same thing with nutrition...
- Money: most of the time single mothers doesn't really have supports from the daddies. Consequence is simple: single mother= broke. There are exceptions sure, but for the most part, a man's wallet will come in to play here over the long run. Men tend to have reservations about spending money on another man's child. It's a biogical thing.
- Time: If you didn't have kids, we'd have more time with each other when we want it. Sure, call us selfish or immature but again, without kids you are more available and more free. Remember before you had kids what it was like ladies? The father of your kids does!
- Competition between you and the kid:Yes there's one! believe me. The bulk of her compassion, devotion and sympathy is reserved for her child. Can you deal with second place? Single mother won t love you in first place...you're always be second or third. Don't even think about being her priority...even once in a while! Because for the most part, her child will be the default recipient of her love. You must be capable of understanding and accepting that fact. And guess what, there's nothing you can do...that's normal. Mature women'll tell you, I love you but in a different way. May be I've too much trauma based on my oedipe complex...ahahaha
Based on my different experiences, there's one exception I could consider which is Widow. Not really sure but!
To be frank, a lot of the young mentality women is very selfish and immature. And by immature, I mean unwilling to accept the consequences of choices you've made through out your lives. There are trade offs in life, and based on my different experiences, women expect men to make trade offs but not make any trade offs themselves. I remain optimistic that this mentality is not the majority of single mothers. Not all single mothers made bad choices, even those that did marry a looser because of their own insecurities could have grown as a person and become emotionally healthy. Some are just victim's of circumstances, their past relationships didn't work.
My advice to Men:
"For every single mom, there is a dad who is delinquent in the dad department.' Men have been walking away from children since the beginning of time. If you are not man enough to be a dad, keep it in your pants.
At the end of the day, date whoever you want...kid or no kid. Be responsible!
PS: Feel free to say I'm selfish bastard....no problemo!
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Everyman who actually really felt in love with a single mom should have the same kind of conclusions. I wish I could have some opinions from single mother on this board.
Balance is key!
Don't know how many single mother replies you will get here but as for me, "Been there, done that." No question that the potential for problems is a reality. What they may be does vary somewhat, from the issues you and I both stated to variations on these. People are different and have their own feelings and beliefs. And situations may vary (e.g. the ages of the kids). IMHO the wise woman recognizes the disadvantages her potential S.O. is vulnerable to, in the relationship and accepts the realities. She compensates accordingly or very quickly discovers her fellow marginalized, then gone. But if she does include him the question then, often is, "Will he rise to the occasion and develop a healthy relationship with the kids?" But then that is a question for any relationship anyway.MarathonMan said:
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