I have spent hours reading over the many threads here and see that there are a lot of intellegent thoughtful people of all kinds here with a great deal more experence than me. This weekend I went to an SP for the first time. Why? I have been separated for about 8 months now and have had various "possiblities" that never go anywhere with women. It has gotten frustrating to say the least. I also have been doing what I think a lot of people do with they leave a marrage or relationship which is to start trying to more be myself and rediscover what exactly that means. In the past I would have judged people here pretty harshly but I would have secretly wished I could do things like this. I think there are a lot of people around like that. But I want to be someone who does things and doesn't just fantasize about them. So I found a place after a lot of research. I ended up going to Vancouver because there is a great deal more going on there than where I am from, Victoria. I also found a girl on a website that was beyond a dream for me. I mean if there ever was the perfect women that I could ever imagine she was it. She was tiny 5 2 had insainly large breasts for her size(but not fake or TOO big), so perfectly shaped and firm I never new such things could exist, I always thought I had been with some beautiful women before, but nothing anywhere near like her. I did everything right I feel pretty proud of that in a way as far as picking a good place and person. I got a really nice hotel room, penthouse that she definatly appreaciated out loud several times and that was nice.

But when it actually happened I was TERRIFIED. I had this feeling in my stomach that would not go away almost from the time she walked in. I just learned about PSE and while I get the idea that is something people often pay extra for, that is what I got to some degree. The problem is it continued to scare the hell out of me. I wasn't a total idiot, but when she tried to talk to me half the time I could hardly hear what she was saying. I had 3 hours with her so even though she was agressive I think she could see I was not going to jump on her right away so we did start off talking, in between her doing all kinds of things. One thing to keep in mind as I write this is that while I was scared I was still enjoying all of this a great deal. Having this woman on my lap talking and kissing was a big part of what I wanted in the first place. I have to say I thought it was kind of funny after our inital greeting I gave her the envelope and she went into the bathroom, obviously checked out its contents called to check in, and took off her underwear But what do I know maybe she never had any She thanked me for the extra when she came out, and had even more enthusiasim.

So I might as well get to the point. I couldn't do it. That feeling in the pit of my stomach didn't go away. She was amazing in how she didn't make me feel remotely bad about it and my ego got some small gratification before that happened because she road my face and I am pretty sure really came. I think part of why I wanted to start off like that is I am new to this and I wanted to know if I could make her wet or not. So I got to hold her and we talked quite a bit about that and how I think I just couldn't, as much I as wanted to, make myself forget it was not real. I was too aware, any little thing, like that she would kiss, but she would never open her mouth would remind me, but I don't think she really did much that wasn't pretty convincing, it wasn't her fault. At the end she said she could totaly understand, esp with it being my first time. She also talked to me about how she had to be, about how when she was riding my face she had to be able to make herself trust in me and kind of let go in order for her to be able to really cum. I don't know if it was a great show or not, but she actualy giggled afterwards like I have seen girls do before when they are kind of surpised it happened.

Anyway, now a couple of days later, I am just starting to get back to normal. I could not get an erection for DAYS after, that feeling in the pit of my stomach lasted for that long. Another way to discribe it is like I felt like I had already came about 6 times in a row were you can feel like you are drained that way.

I also have been suffering some serious withdrawl from her. I have my own ego to deal with in terms of what happened with me, but I think I understand it pretty well. Then there is the issue that I WANT to be able to do something like this, but if it scares me so much that I can't get it up, it is a hell of a lot of money and effort to just fuck myself up. And I feel like I just met the most fantastic person on earth and I want to fall in love with her and I know how completely fucked that is too. I was dazed for at least 48 hours after this, after she left I sat for a straight hour and just stared into space..

It has also pointed out a lot of things about how I don't feel very good about myself sexualy. I do swim and workout, walk, but I am still trying to loose a gut. She said a lot of nice things about me, and I know she was looking for things like that, I do of course have some good qualities. Now I am fighting hard the urge to just go back to her. I don't want to do it too soon or I will just have the same thing happen over again. I also know I will have to specificly ask her to not be so agressive and make sure that is ok. I get the idea from the agency she is kind of known for that. They said she was perfect for a first time person because she would take control, but I think that was a good part of my problem, I am just not used to that. But I also know I don't want to try anyone else at this point. That is probably fucked too

So if you all would, have at it. Let me know what you think about all of this. I really need some advice.