I'm so angry right now I'm shaking, and maybe if I write about it, I might get a bit of frustration out of my system and allow myself to revert to my normal, cool mellow self. The few (very few) people who know me personally on these boards know that I usually keep all my emotions and feelings well under wraps so this is rather out of character for me, I suppose something has got to give.
Hey, I feel better already. Ok, no. I don't.
It's a feeling of empty non-achievement. Like that of a huge personal failure that will eventually be inaugurated for the whole world to see.
Let me start by a warning;this is rather personal, and it's also going to get relatively lengthy. Normally at this length, I prefer to write on my blog page but this is something I don't want my wife seeing by accident, if she sees it I want it to be on purpose.
I married a girl I've known since we were both 13, we met in the school yard at our high-school, on the first day of high-school. She was to me, like Winnie Cooper was to Kevin Arnold. The difference was that of course, Kevin never got past first base with Winnie and well, I married my wife.
Not immediately though, we didn't start dating until after high-school was over and done with, in fact we were both well into CEGEP when we started seeing each other romantically and at this point, SHE made the first move after shooting me down every other year in high-school.
For the record -I did have other girlfriends before we started dating and I had a few dozen SPs after, as well as one, "torrid", more serious affair. She never found out about any of this. - back on subject.
She was rather aggressive about how she made the first move so I thought EXCELLENT!
What a let down that was. As I look back at over five years of dating then 15+ years of marriage, I can't help but to get a feeling of having missed the fucking boat.
Quite literally, the boat on which people have lots and lots of different types of sex. In fact the more entertaining sex I've had has always been with SPs.
It's not that we're NOT having sex (although lately it's been less) it's because we keep having the SAME sex, mish/reverse mish.
In over 20 years together I've had ONE bj to completion from her and about a dozen times that she went down on me for about 20-30 seconds.
She normally doesn't let me go down on her, in fact, I thought I wasn't doing it right until Porscha/Fiona told me a few years ago - no, no, you're doing fine.
We're approaching 40. She wears her age very well and could pull off a mature 28 if dressed and made up properly, she's very slim and quite attractive. I've always found her attractive since that day in late summer 1983 when I first laid eyes on her and as she grew into a woman she developed great legs and ass although she has smaller breasts, they are nice and are holding up quite well, very firm.
Unfortunately for me; She is the biggest prude I've ever met in person, she would've been quite comfortable on The Little House on The Prairie or Happy Days.
I've received promises of lengthy blow jobs and hand jobs, since before we were married. Why don't we keep that for when we're married? -She used to repeat to me as her mantra, whenever I asked for a little excitement.
A few weeks before the holidays I finally lost my patience with her and got in a heated argument about how I was starting to feel as though I was masturbating more than having actual sex, and how that wasn't doing anything good for my ego as a man.
That argument was rewarded with an apology from her and about a week of steady sex, we took a few showers together, she let me go down on her and although it wasn't Disney World, it was nice, that week or so was the time I got the most head out of her at once, in 20 years.
Then, just as I was beginning to think FINALLY!
For the record:
I too am relatively attractive, sure, I don't have my full head of hair anymore although I like to keep them long I know I won't be able to pull that off much longer and frankly because of my physical demeanor (thin, tall) I can't very well shave my head for I'd wind up looking like a cancer patient. The rest is fine though. I keep myself toned and trimmed and groomed.
I dress nicely too.
With the exception of a cigar every few months at my poker games and a couple of occasional drinks, I don't abuse much substances. I've never touched any illegal drugs.
Don't let that mislead you into thinking that I'm boring. I'm a great singer and I play electric guitar, bass and piano. In fact I've written music and performed live on the club scene mostly playing covers of British artists like Oasis, Blur, Duran Duran and Robbie Williams. -
So now to the jist of the story, what has happened is that for many reasons, I decided last summer it was time for me to get a vasectomy, which was executed in the fall of last year, naturally my wife launched me one of her promises under the form of "I'll help you get the samples for the sperm counts" followed by an irresistible look that made me instantly warm where frankly, at the time, stitches and all, wasn't a real good time for me to feel warm.
So the first sperm sample was delivered after I barbecued it alone (she was working that day) and I thought - fine, maybe the second one.
Can anyone guess as how I'm about to get the SECOND sperm sample out myself? Oh she was home, took the day off - both of us, we are going to spend a romantic week-end to celebrate in a posh hotel with all the spas and amenities etc.
Earlier, we were still in bed and I brought up the whole promise thing about assisting with the sperm sample - make it more fun.
Yeah right, she instantly thought of 11952 errands she needed to absolutely get done and before I knew it she was out the door and I was left home alone, with the Internet (tube8 is an excellent source of free porn) and a recorded (ok downloaded) HDTV show called Katie Morgan's Sex Tips vol.2.
I'm sitting here and I find that my heart isn't in it. I just don't feel like masturbating. I debated earlier that since she was out of the house for a few hours maybe, just maybe I should give an SP a call and have her assist me instead but decided against it.
Seriously though, I want to go and spend a romantic week-end.
Just not with my wife.