Sexuality and violence are intertwined for a lot of people. I had a pretty traumatic and violent childhood that led me to believe that I was unlovable and left me with physical scars, chronic pains, and habitual anxieties. I learned erroneously that showing my feelings and being honest were extremely dangerous. I experienced rejection over and over from family, friends, lovers, jobs, etc .
Before long the sense of shame and resentment became unbearable and I turned to sex workers to explore my sexuality in a safe place. Unfortunately, I also felt shame about this. I had no one to talk about it. I believed I was a lesser person because I could not get a "real girl" or "play the game" or whatever other ways people disparage each other. Perhaps this idea of hobbying is a way of projecting shame onto the women. Who would want to admit that the only real sexual pleasure one has ever found have been towards someone whom they paid to fake orgasms with them for an hour and who forgot them soon after and, in some cases, would write things like "here to look pretty and rob men" on their instagram pages?
Some have called me an incell a few times. I don't identify myself as a victim. The complexities of life are beyond this. I've learned a great deal from my experiences and shame. I've learned that I was inevitably the one instigating, accepting, and identifying with the shame. I feel less of a drive to see sex workers now. I'm more interested in real loving relationships and caring friendships. There are times when I doubt whether I'm too ruined to find love, but I turn to feeling the life in my body instead of dwelling on these thoughts. I do truly appreciate the experiences I've had. I wish I could thank every sex worker I've ever met personally. I haven't always been a perfect client. I've not been a great tipper and there was a time when I was a bit of a time waster sometimes. I'm sorry. I also sought fantasies and used women as objects at times. However, I felt lucky to see moments of authenticity in myself and, perhaps, in the sex workers I've seen more often than one might imagine. Sex workers are often rare and exceptionally strong people. Of course there have been plenty of unpleasant experiences as well where I got ripped off. We all have bad days and various forms of desperation. Such is life.
We all need to be seen and heard and to exist as we are. To me this was never a hobby. I can't say I understand those who consider it as such, but they would probably not understand my reasonings. Perhaps it's best to not call this hobbying or anything in particular. Maybe "sensual-erotic training" is better. But the map is never the territory, no matter how convincing the data might suggest.
Thanks for reading this. Cheers. And let's be kind to one another. We're all in it together.
Before long the sense of shame and resentment became unbearable and I turned to sex workers to explore my sexuality in a safe place. Unfortunately, I also felt shame about this. I had no one to talk about it. I believed I was a lesser person because I could not get a "real girl" or "play the game" or whatever other ways people disparage each other. Perhaps this idea of hobbying is a way of projecting shame onto the women. Who would want to admit that the only real sexual pleasure one has ever found have been towards someone whom they paid to fake orgasms with them for an hour and who forgot them soon after and, in some cases, would write things like "here to look pretty and rob men" on their instagram pages?
Some have called me an incell a few times. I don't identify myself as a victim. The complexities of life are beyond this. I've learned a great deal from my experiences and shame. I've learned that I was inevitably the one instigating, accepting, and identifying with the shame. I feel less of a drive to see sex workers now. I'm more interested in real loving relationships and caring friendships. There are times when I doubt whether I'm too ruined to find love, but I turn to feeling the life in my body instead of dwelling on these thoughts. I do truly appreciate the experiences I've had. I wish I could thank every sex worker I've ever met personally. I haven't always been a perfect client. I've not been a great tipper and there was a time when I was a bit of a time waster sometimes. I'm sorry. I also sought fantasies and used women as objects at times. However, I felt lucky to see moments of authenticity in myself and, perhaps, in the sex workers I've seen more often than one might imagine. Sex workers are often rare and exceptionally strong people. Of course there have been plenty of unpleasant experiences as well where I got ripped off. We all have bad days and various forms of desperation. Such is life.
We all need to be seen and heard and to exist as we are. To me this was never a hobby. I can't say I understand those who consider it as such, but they would probably not understand my reasonings. Perhaps it's best to not call this hobbying or anything in particular. Maybe "sensual-erotic training" is better. But the map is never the territory, no matter how convincing the data might suggest.
Thanks for reading this. Cheers. And let's be kind to one another. We're all in it together.
