In writing this post, I realize two things: first, that these issues have been discussed before; and second, that many will disagree. Nevertheless, I have found this forum to be the site of many threads that are impressively thoughtful and engaging, so, for the sake of dialogue or argument, I want to consider a couple philosophies of hobbying, and make a case against the idea of “GFE.” (And I apologize up front for my pedantic style.) I’ll begin by acknowledging my own standpoint: I am happily married and have no interest in having a girlfriend or in romantic intimacy with an escort. I enjoy the physical pleasures of a few hours spent with a great escort whose job it is to make me feel good.
This post begins in response to a number of other recent posts, notably a few intelligent members decrying the lack of ‘respect’ shown to sps on the board; they felt that asking about specific acts, for example greek, was inappropriate because it demeaned the women. Instead, one member argued, we should be emphasizing sensuality, intimacy, and mutual adult pleasure. This is a fine approach and I am not arguing against it or the posters. But I do want to suggest that the idea of GFE may be inherently flawed and may be, at least in the abstract, no more “respectful” than a purely sexual encounter, even one in which the pleasure is one-sided.
First, GFE, when it is meant to convey more than a specific set of acts (in which case it is merely code for a menu), does not mean authentic intimacy but rather the simulation of intimacy. It is a fantasy of what a girlfriend is, not a reality; one is paying a woman to *act* intimately. As a fantasy, that’s fine; and sometimes it’s possible that the “connection” is there; but none of this can belie the basic reality that it is a constructed event. One is paying a woman to act as if she is not being paid. The client may be genuine in desiring to show interest and to provide pleasure; but despite whatever pleasure the escort receives, it remains a business transaction, not a romantic/friendship one. The intimacy can never be balanced or equal, because of the simple fact that one is paying and one is being paid. (If it really were that good for her, she would repeat gratis.) Again: to the extent that it makes a client happy or aroused, that’s fine; but it is, self-evidently, an “experience,” not the real thing.
Second, it seems to me entirely reasonable to accept the pecuniary nature of the transaction for what it is. I see nothing wrong with one person providing pleasure to another in return for compensation. The problem is with our culture, not with the actions themselves. Further, it seems consistent to say that in treating an escort as a sex worker—in appreciating the skills and service, including specific acts—a client may in fact be offering respect for the sp’s professional skill. It may sound ridiculous to talk about an escort’s “training” or “gifts,” but that may, in the end, be what we’re talking about. Again, to admire an sp’s ability to please may be part of respecting her profession.
Third, to engage in the illusion of romantic intimacy—the girl-friend experience—may in fact not be the gentlemanly pose of ‘respect’ that it appears, for in fact it is objectifying the woman just as much as the more lurid sexual objectification. In both cases we are paying a woman to make us feel good and to perform for us; one could argue that in one case this is acknowledged (when we pay for sex), making it more genuine and thus respectful; and in the other (GFE) it is denied.
Finally, I am all in favor of showing kindness and compassion. I would call myself a feminist and I believe that in valuing the profession of sex work (and not pretending it is something else), I can show this kind of compassion and, yes, respect. Whenever the sp seems interested, I enjoy chatting about life, aspirations, histories. And I keenly realize that many sps do not exactly see their jobs as professions, nor often do they have great autonomy in their lives to make career choices. They are often objectified in damaging ways, demeaned and mistreated. This is appalling—and it says a lot about our cultural attitudes toward women and specifically toward prostitution. Yet, to repeat, it still seems to me that kindness and honesty are the best form of compassion. To put this a differently: it seems to me that seeking a form of pleasure (including a specific act) in exchange for compensation is not inherently disrespectful; one can seek out a couple hours of ‘selfish’ pleasure and do so with the values of generosity, gratitude, and kindness.
I remember one night a few years back, after my paid-for two hours of fun, the escort stuck around for nearly two hours. We just chatted, showed pictures of our kids, hung out. She talked about her work and I talked about mine. It wasn’t business—I didn’t live in the city and wasn’t returning soon; and she requested not to be reviewed on the Net. Just a relaxed, cozy, highly grown-up moment of honesty.
This post begins in response to a number of other recent posts, notably a few intelligent members decrying the lack of ‘respect’ shown to sps on the board; they felt that asking about specific acts, for example greek, was inappropriate because it demeaned the women. Instead, one member argued, we should be emphasizing sensuality, intimacy, and mutual adult pleasure. This is a fine approach and I am not arguing against it or the posters. But I do want to suggest that the idea of GFE may be inherently flawed and may be, at least in the abstract, no more “respectful” than a purely sexual encounter, even one in which the pleasure is one-sided.
First, GFE, when it is meant to convey more than a specific set of acts (in which case it is merely code for a menu), does not mean authentic intimacy but rather the simulation of intimacy. It is a fantasy of what a girlfriend is, not a reality; one is paying a woman to *act* intimately. As a fantasy, that’s fine; and sometimes it’s possible that the “connection” is there; but none of this can belie the basic reality that it is a constructed event. One is paying a woman to act as if she is not being paid. The client may be genuine in desiring to show interest and to provide pleasure; but despite whatever pleasure the escort receives, it remains a business transaction, not a romantic/friendship one. The intimacy can never be balanced or equal, because of the simple fact that one is paying and one is being paid. (If it really were that good for her, she would repeat gratis.) Again: to the extent that it makes a client happy or aroused, that’s fine; but it is, self-evidently, an “experience,” not the real thing.
Second, it seems to me entirely reasonable to accept the pecuniary nature of the transaction for what it is. I see nothing wrong with one person providing pleasure to another in return for compensation. The problem is with our culture, not with the actions themselves. Further, it seems consistent to say that in treating an escort as a sex worker—in appreciating the skills and service, including specific acts—a client may in fact be offering respect for the sp’s professional skill. It may sound ridiculous to talk about an escort’s “training” or “gifts,” but that may, in the end, be what we’re talking about. Again, to admire an sp’s ability to please may be part of respecting her profession.
Third, to engage in the illusion of romantic intimacy—the girl-friend experience—may in fact not be the gentlemanly pose of ‘respect’ that it appears, for in fact it is objectifying the woman just as much as the more lurid sexual objectification. In both cases we are paying a woman to make us feel good and to perform for us; one could argue that in one case this is acknowledged (when we pay for sex), making it more genuine and thus respectful; and in the other (GFE) it is denied.
Finally, I am all in favor of showing kindness and compassion. I would call myself a feminist and I believe that in valuing the profession of sex work (and not pretending it is something else), I can show this kind of compassion and, yes, respect. Whenever the sp seems interested, I enjoy chatting about life, aspirations, histories. And I keenly realize that many sps do not exactly see their jobs as professions, nor often do they have great autonomy in their lives to make career choices. They are often objectified in damaging ways, demeaned and mistreated. This is appalling—and it says a lot about our cultural attitudes toward women and specifically toward prostitution. Yet, to repeat, it still seems to me that kindness and honesty are the best form of compassion. To put this a differently: it seems to me that seeking a form of pleasure (including a specific act) in exchange for compensation is not inherently disrespectful; one can seek out a couple hours of ‘selfish’ pleasure and do so with the values of generosity, gratitude, and kindness.
I remember one night a few years back, after my paid-for two hours of fun, the escort stuck around for nearly two hours. We just chatted, showed pictures of our kids, hung out. She talked about her work and I talked about mine. It wasn’t business—I didn’t live in the city and wasn’t returning soon; and she requested not to be reviewed on the Net. Just a relaxed, cozy, highly grown-up moment of honesty.
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