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Why do relationships/marriage turn sour?

Fradi

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I've heard that line so many times....'it takes work and sacrifice...' Unless there are kids involved, that does not sound like its worth the trouble lol
I am not so sure, is seeing escorts the solution or adopting the attitude if it lasts it lasts if it doesn’t it doesn’t.
I have a fabulous relationship with my ATF, she is totally gorgeous a kind and thoughtful young lady we have become friends and I still look forward to seeing her each time just as much as I did the first time.
It doesn’t even come close though to what I had before, it was not just a couple of hours every now and then I spent with her it was a lifetime, she is the mother of my children and I will always have those memories, I would give anything to have her back.
For some yes it is more than worth it. Guess I am a minority here lol like it was mentioned before in today’s world perhaps we would be the weird couple.
 

Francoquart

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Maybe the reason it does not work is because it not a natural phenomenon. From a biological stand point, a Male needs to spread his seeds as much as possible to ensure the continuity of his lineage. The Women needs to select the best candidates to ensure the survival of the child by passing on the best genes. In both cases monogamy is the opposite. That is why Males are usually easier to get to bed, while Females are more selective. In a exclusive relationship, both parties have to shut down and repress a basic need or desire. Stress and anxiety is the result of such a practice, which then leads to frustration, and finally boredom.
From a social stand point, I believe expectations on many levels are what leads to disappointment.
We are who we are. Sacrificing, accommodating, and given up on things we like for the sake of the relationship is simply not worth it.
The idea of relationship needs emancipation. It should not be based on sex, such as exclusivity. It should be elevated and developed. It is ok to live with a person and enjoy sex with others.
 

No_Church_InThe_Wild

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May 31, 2014
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The idea of relationship needs emancipation. It should not be based on sex, such as exclusivity. It should be elevated and developed. It is ok to live with a person and enjoy sex with others.
Elevated & Developed ? ... they already have a name for it , “roommates”
 
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Fradi

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Maybe the reason it does not work is because it not a natural phenomenon. From a biological stand point, a Male needs to spread his seeds as much as possible to ensure the continuity of his lineage. The Women needs to select the best candidates to ensure the survival of the child by passing on the best genes. In both cases monogamy is the opposite. That is why Males are usually easier to get to bed, while Females are more selective. In a exclusive relationship, both parties have to shut down and repress a basic need or desire. Stress and anxiety is the result of such a practice, which then leads to frustration, and finally boredom.
From a social stand point, I believe expectations on many levels are what leads to disappointment.
We are who we are. Sacrificing, accommodating, and given up on things we like for the sake of the relationship is simply not worth it.
The idea of relationship needs emancipation. It should not be based on sex, such as exclusivity. It should be elevated and developed. It is ok to live with a person and enjoy sex with others.
Yes all this and then you fall in love with someone and all of a sudden none of it matters in the slightest, she becomes the only one that matters..
 
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sorengard

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That’s the trouble about marriage. Women always hope it’s going to change the husband. Men always hope it won’t change their wives—and both are disappointed!

(excerpt from the play “Cynara” by H. M. Harwood and R. Gore-Browne which was performed in London in 1930)
It's actually from Shakespeare.
 

Francoquart

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Elevated & Developed ? ... they already have a name for it , “roommates”
Definition of a roommate is a person sharing a room or a house with another. It does not necessarily involves emotional relationship. The idea is that neither sex nor possession should the basis of a relationship. You should be able to be who you want to be, otherwise, you will keep getting the same results of unhappy marriages or divorces.
 

Francoquart

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Yes all this and then you fall in love with someone and all of a sudden none of it matters in the slightest, she becomes the only one that matters..
Lol, yes you then get married, call her yours while she calls you mine. You have only eyes for each other, fire, passion, mama mia sex, and then after 3 years.... Sex becomes a job, mechanical, a duty one might say. After 10 years you even stop taking care of yourself, because well.. what for.. etc .. if it was just about love, then unhappy marriages should be the exception, so how come they are the general rule??
 

Fradi

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Lol, yes you then get married, call her yours while she calls you mine. You have only eyes for each other, fire, passion, mama mia sex, and then after 3 years.... Sex becomes a job, mechanical, a duty one might say. After 10 years you even stop taking care of yourself, because well.. what for.. etc .. if it was just about love, then unhappy marriages should be the exception, so how come they are the general rule??
General rule, no there is no general rule and there is no blue print to follow either.
Marriage is what two people make of it.
I would say in my extended family it is about 60-40 with marriages lasting more than breaking up.

With women being much more on an equal footing than before it is understandable that this would happen, they no longer need to stay in a relationship once the love disappears they are just as capable of earning a living and taking care of themselves as men and more of them receive a higher education now days than men do. I think this is the main reason for it and I don’t blame them at all for having the courage and the means to leave a relationship that they are unhappy in.
 

Chigen

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People are disappointed when they do not get the idealistic life of what they see on TV, movies, internet.
 

remuus

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its hard question. depends from love partner. I prefer to find normal girl for love. Woman needs to feel loved. It is important for a woman to hear the words of love, to see its manifestations from a man, to feel protection and support. If you think that it is already clear how much you love her — this belief can cost you dearly. You need to constantly talk about feelings, show them. Be attentive, hug more often, whisper tender words in your ear. I found my current gilfriend via video chat strangers and have to plan to meet with her soon.
 
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minutemenX

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People who think that divorces is the modern trend are wrong. Romans divorced as often if not more as modern couples. They used to say that “exeunt matrimonii causa, nubunt repudii” (they marry in order to divorce) and “ Quae nubit totiens, non nubit: adultera lege est.” (she who marries so often does not marry, she is an adulteress by the form of law)
 
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nico61

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Nov 26, 2011
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I am not so sure, is seeing escorts the solution or adopting the attitude if it lasts it lasts if it doesn’t it doesn’t.
I have a fabulous relationship with my ATF, she is totally gorgeous a kind and thoughtful young lady we have become friends and I still look forward to seeing her each time just as much as I did the first time.
It doesn’t even come close though to what I had before, it was not just a couple of hours every now and then I spent with her it was a lifetime, she is the mother of my children and I will always have those memories, I would give anything to have her back.
For some yes it is more than worth it. Guess I am a minority here lol like it was mentioned before in today’s world perhaps we would be the weird couple.
my story is much like yours Fradi. I was married for 29 years to a woman who I truly loved. She was my best friend, we had 2 children together. Cancer took her away from me. Love and Marriage does exist. I guess like in everything in life there are always 2 sides of the story. I do believe in soulmates. I’m pretty sure she was mine. in reality for some, you don’t know what you truly had until it’s gone. After 3 1/2 years of her passing. Some people tell me I should date and move on. I never liked that word move on. I say I’m moving forward, for me and my children. you were not a weird couple Fradi. There are plenty of people who have what we had.
 

Anna Bijou

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Maybe the reason it does not work is because it not a natural phenomenon. From a biological stand point, a Male needs to spread his seeds as much as possible to ensure the continuity of his lineage. The Women needs to select the best candidates to ensure the survival of the child by passing on the best genes. In both cases monogamy is the opposite. That is why Males are usually easier to get to bed, while Females are more selective. In a exclusive relationship, both parties have to shut down and repress a basic need or desire. Stress and anxiety is the result of such a practice, which then leads to frustration, and finally boredom.
From a social stand point, I believe expectations on many levels are what leads to disappointment.
We are who we are. Sacrificing, accommodating, and given up on things we like for the sake of the relationship is simply not worth it.
The idea of relationship néeds emancipation. It should not be based on sex, such as exclusivity. It should be elevated and developed. It is ok to live with a person and enjoy sex with others.


Unrealistic expectations but there are other theories that I find interesting.



 
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Markishere

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Aug 3, 2020
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1-Hearing not listening (misunderstanding)
2-Invalidating your partner emotions, opinions, values etc.
3-Lack of effort(No more dates, quality time together, surprises)
4-Lack of effort on yourself( Poor diet, lifestyle, not dressing up etc.)

But sometimes I think some people are in a relationship or married for the wrong reasons.

I’ll share a few stories. They all relate to MEN who married women they didn’t love and in turn the relationship turned sour.

1-My grandpa first marriage. They dated in college, she got pregnant and he promised to take responsibility, take care of her and the baby, and marry her. He went to another country for a year, came back - and realized he had no feelings for her. But he couldn’t break his promise! That marriage lasted 8 years. Two kids, constant fighting, my grandpa's unending cheating… Nasty, nasty divorce - A few years later, he falls in love. True love, they mesh well together. They laugh a lot together. My grandpa still supported his kids from the first marriage, but when they grew up, there was no further contact between them and him. Sad, but I suspect he doesn’t love them… because he never loved his first wife.

2-My business partner two marriages. He married his #1 wife because she was crazy about him, and proposed to him. 7 years, 1 kid,, so-so marriage, no cheating - he is a decent guy. And then he falls in love with girl #2. He tells his wife, gets divorced, and finds out this new girl is a lesbian. He is devastated and miserable. This #3 girl comes around and practically saves the guy. She convinces him to stop drinking and smoking, takes him to therapy, and they eventually get married - because, per him, “he is so thankful to this #3”. But I guess it takes more than “being thankful”. 4 years later they get divorced. He told me this: “You’ll probably judge me, but it’s better not to live at all, than to live without love”.

3-My close friend grandma’s sad 20-year-long affair. She was in her late 30's, and widowed, when this mid 20-year-old neighbor fell for her. He came from a strict Muslim family, and his dad arranged his marriage. Three broken lives… For more than 20 years this guy would spin around my friend grandma. He visited her almost daily - paid off her house, her car, helped with money, food, shower her with gifts… took his kids to her - while his wife sat at home alone and in tears. My friend grandma finally ended this when she was in her late 50's. The guy’s whole family knew about the affair, and no one could do anything. Huge age difference, unthinkable religious collision (my friend grandma is Christian), 4 kids and strict Muslim law… My friend once showed me some of the notes from this guy - a proclamation of love worthy of Shakespeare’s talent. And this guy’s wife hates my friend grandma to this day.

-These are just few of the stories I know personally. Stories full of tears and regrets. Think deep, think many times before you get involved deeply with someone whom you don’t love.

I'll end this in a happy note, I still very much believe in love. Why? Because I have witnessed it more than a dozen times. If there is something eternal in this world, it's true love.

Now this is the romantic in me speaking and my beliefs so take it with a grain of salt.
Love is:

--Love is when you have no demands on the other person. Not even to make you happy.
--Love is when their happiness and well being is of great importance to you.
--Love is selfless service towards them.
--Love is when you see them for who they are, and not for for who you want them to be. You accept their flaws.
--Love is when you give and give, and don't expect anything in return. To give and share everything you have.
--Love is respecting their choices and boundaries.
--Love is not controlling. It's letting and supporting them to express themselves, and to have their own interests.
--Love is caring for them even when they make you angry.
--Love is when they say or do something insignificant and you feel, "SURPRISE!"
--Love is when they are difficult to love, but you love them anyway.
 

Hockey77

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Mar 1, 2021
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love is a funny how it hits some poeple
i think we all deal whit it diferently .
just take a look at dating before the internet ...
we had to do face to face to meet someone or a blind date. we had primal feelings seeing a person live .
today people choose a picture from what ever web site and expect what it is said on the person.
 

No_Church_InThe_Wild

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May 31, 2014
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So many reasons to mention I guess ... but getting into a relationship or marriage for the WRONG reasons as mentioned above by Markishere is one of the most common

Also going to mention the younger generations favourite acronyms/Mottos these days ... OLTL , YOLO , and let’s not forget the whole ABUNDANCE mentality/mindset ;) ... perhaps I shouldn’t single out the millennials on such a thread about relationships/marriage but they come across as more selfish than previous generations . As if their whole YOLO MANTRA is a justification for checking out and giving up more easily and not sticking it out through the ugly times .... anyways the truth is that relationships are a whole lot of work , one needs to be unselfish and prioritize their partners needs ... to give more & expect less ... And like the saying goes what comes easy won’t last , what lasts won’t come easy ...

LOTS of work & constant communication is needed for a healthy marriage to survive...No wonder so many fail ...So here’s a toast to those who make it !!
 

sorengard

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May 17, 2013
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This thread is so depressing. I'm 45 and single, which used to depress me. However, the more I read here about marriage, the more I wonder if I dodged a bullet. Seems so bleak and hopeless.
 

Anna Bijou

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Because expectations are not really realistic. Because our concept of marriage is not something that comes naturally to humans.
Because the idea of long term love is a fantasy that is based on Hollywood fiction.
Because the original role and purpose of marriage no longer applies.
Because people think that it's something that they are supposed to do, without really assessing whether it's right for them.
Because.. Kids.
Because men and women have different needs and end up in very different places as the marriage goes.
Because marriage is forcing a square into a circle because that's our society's standard and we don't really see alternatives.
Because people give up their own identity and their sense of self and define themselves as their relationship.
Because people don't know how to communicate.
Because people have issues and baggage they bring into a relationship.
Because. Because. Because.
 
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