1-Hearing not listening (misunderstanding)
2-Invalidating your partner emotions, opinions, values etc.
3-Lack of effort(No more dates, quality time together, surprises)
4-Lack of effort on yourself( Poor diet, lifestyle, not dressing up etc.)
But sometimes I think some people are in a relationship or married for the wrong reasons.
I’ll share a few stories. They all relate to MEN who married women they didn’t love and in turn the relationship turned sour.
1-My grandpa first marriage. They dated in college, she got pregnant and he promised to take responsibility, take care of her and the baby, and marry her. He went to another country for a year, came back - and realized he had no feelings for her. But he couldn’t break his promise! That marriage lasted 8 years. Two kids, constant fighting, my grandpa's unending cheating… Nasty, nasty divorce - A few years later, he falls in love. True love, they mesh well together. They laugh a lot together. My grandpa still supported his kids from the first marriage, but when they grew up, there was no further contact between them and him. Sad, but I suspect he doesn’t love them… because he never loved his first wife.
2-My business partner two marriages. He married his #1 wife because she was crazy about him, and proposed to him. 7 years, 1 kid,, so-so marriage, no cheating - he is a decent guy. And then he falls in love with girl #2. He tells his wife, gets divorced, and finds out this new girl is a lesbian. He is devastated and miserable. This #3 girl comes around and practically saves the guy. She convinces him to stop drinking and smoking, takes him to therapy, and they eventually get married - because, per him, “he is so thankful to this #3”. But I guess it takes more than “being thankful”. 4 years later they get divorced. He told me this: “You’ll probably judge me, but it’s better not to live at all, than to live without love”.
3-My close friend grandma’s sad 20-year-long affair. She was in her late 30's, and widowed, when this mid 20-year-old neighbor fell for her. He came from a strict Muslim family, and his dad arranged his marriage. Three broken lives… For more than 20 years this guy would spin around my friend grandma. He visited her almost daily - paid off her house, her car, helped with money, food, shower her with gifts… took his kids to her - while his wife sat at home alone and in tears. My friend grandma finally ended this when she was in her late 50's. The guy’s whole family knew about the affair, and no one could do anything. Huge age difference, unthinkable religious collision (my friend grandma is Christian), 4 kids and strict Muslim law… My friend once showed me some of the notes from this guy - a proclamation of love worthy of Shakespeare’s talent. And this guy’s wife hates my friend grandma to this day.
-These are just few of the stories I know personally. Stories full of tears and regrets. Think deep, think many times before you get involved deeply with someone whom you don’t love.
I'll end this in a happy note, I still very much believe in love. Why? Because I have witnessed it more than a dozen times. If there is something eternal in this world, it's true love.
Now this is the romantic in me speaking and my beliefs so take it with a grain of salt.
Love is:
--Love is when you have no demands on the other person. Not even to make you happy.
--Love is when their happiness and well being is of great importance to you.
--Love is selfless service towards them.
--Love is when you see them for who they are, and not for for who you want them to be. You accept their flaws.
--Love is when you give and give, and don't expect anything in return. To give and share everything you have.
--Love is respecting their choices and boundaries.
--Love is not controlling. It's letting and supporting them to express themselves, and to have their own interests.
--Love is caring for them even when they make you angry.
--Love is when they say or do something insignificant and you feel, "SURPRISE!"
--Love is when they are difficult to love, but you love them anyway.
