Why do relationships/marriage turn sour?

[curly]

I am feeling philosophical today.

Most of us dreamed one day to be in love and having a fulfilling relationship with a woman. Some of us were so happy that we even married these girls.

And then it all falls apart: fights, treachery, divorce, lawyer, pension, disillusion, bitterness.

Why? Does it have to be that way? There is so much bitterness from 40-something people about couples.... this is sad.

 

[Flyingby]

Kids

 

[Fradi]

It doesn’t have to be that way.
I had a lifetime with the woman of my dreams for over 35 years until cancer took her from me.
There is absolutely nothing that compares to a loving relationship, family children and grand children.
Even now I have been lucky enough to find an ATF who is a kind thoughtful young lady, she is totally gorgeous and I have been seeing her for a long time now.
It is obviously not the same but for now it suits me and I am so lucky to have her in my life she is a dream companion.

 

[Hockey77]

love is a funny thing,i think its the emotions that hits you wen you least expect it .
it guess its different for everyone on how we deal whit it
as much its sometimes love is the best it can also be the worst been on both sides .
but what ever happens love always wins and everybody must experience it .

 

[curly]

Kids

Good start... tell me more!

 

[sweetolivia]

Curly, I think there is bitterness in most relationships now a days to be honest regardless of age. I think the common mistakes is many people stop doing what they did in the beginning of their relationship, conversations become arguments and it's becomes all about proving the other person wrong, lies happen people move forward but don't really forgive so trust issues unevitably arise. I could carry one for a while unfortunately. That sums up my take on it

 

[Mrstupid121]

Most people are not taught the right way to deal with conflict, so small issues are never solved and become big issues. Most people get married before they have had the experience necessary to become a good friend to themselves, much less a good roommate, friend, lover, partner, and parent.

 

[IamNY]

It's always the girls fault because I'm perfect. lol.

 

[sweetolivia]

Most people are not taught the right way to deal with conflict, so small issues are never solved and become big issues. Most people get married before they have had the experience necessary to become a good friend to themselves, much less a good roommate, friend, lover, partner, and parent.

I LOVE this reply !!!!!

 

[timidguy]

No sex, no marriage. Begging or arguing about it becomes silly. We begrudgingly pay the bills / do chores & shut up & not complain about it. Grateful to have courtesans to outsource the "intimacy" part. It messes you up physically/mentally/ emotionally to feel rejected by your own wife. So much tears has flowed and I'm really hurt. Not too much too ask, I just want to feel loved. Praying for the souls of the people who "self terminated" because of no sex. I truly understand their pain. But please, if you're thinking about those "dark places"... don't "do it" & seek help. There's no "reset" button in real life.

 

[curly]

I LOVE this reply !!!!!

Indeed, insightful.

But I believe when we meet each other, we're 20, let's say. We fall in love with that person we meet. However, we change with time, and we may not be in love with the new person the other has become, and vice versa. We loose contact with each other and misunderstanding and fights start. And then, as timidguy points out, we don't feel loved anymore in the relationship.

Does this make sense?

 

[sweetolivia]

Indeed, insightful.

But I believe when we meet each other, we're 20, let's say. We fall in love with that person we meet. However, we change with time, and we may not be in love with the new person the other has become, and vice versa. We loose contact with each other and misunderstanding and fights start. And then, as timidguy points out, we don't feel loved anymore in the relationship.

Does this make sense?

100 percent, we do not always grow in the same direction!! Very good point

 

[anon_vlad]

That’s the trouble about marriage. Women always hope it’s going to change the husband. Men always hope it won’t change their wives—and both are disappointed!

(excerpt from the play “Cynara” by H. M. Harwood and R. Gore-Browne which was performed in London in 1930)

 

[Bbw hunter]

People change over time, circumstances change, people fall out of love for whatever reason....many times it isn't really anyone's fault even. It's hard to keep a loving relationship going strong for years; it takes work, sacrifice and compromise. Some are lucky enough to find that "soul mate" while others aren't for whatever reasons.
The unlucky ones probably end up on this board.

 

[Hockey77]

life is going fast today to compare to 40 years ago .
we are getting boared to quickly and poeple really dont care anymore .ex:younsters looking for a job if its not working out no prob will find something elsewhere .
life is much too fast now a days .

 

[Fradi]

It is not easy to find the right one so to speak and even more difficult to maintain that love that brings you together.
Primarily it is about trust and being able to share both the workload and the responsibility and not take advantage of each other, it is not just about the obvious physical attraction.
I had a very old fashioned European way of life, we both worked we never had separate bank accounts, everything was ours, nothing was hers or mine except for our clothes.
Most breakups are over financial or lack of and luckily we never had that problem, basically we both worked our asses off because we both knew what it was like to be an immigrant and to have nothing.

 

[Stx]

Another thing to consider are how the circumstances around you can change. Rare is the relationship that can thrive independently of how things around it are. I know with the people around me, covid killed a few relationships. On the other hand, some other friends have had their relationships strengthened by the pandemic. But even stuff like moving in together, marriage, having kids, growing old, etc are all changes that can stress a relationship.

I'm sure a lot of us look back at past relationships and think man if only X was different maybe we could've made it work. But that's life, you live through experiences and learn from them.

I think trying to make sure that you and your partner love and trust each other on a deeper level, outside of extrinsic stuff like money, status, physical beauty, etc, would help with weathering the changing circumstances of life.

 

[2fast2slow]

this will sound cynical, but I beleive we are trying to live up to false standards of 'true love' and 'happily ever after', etc...It does not really exist (except in really rare exceptions, and i wonder if those people are not the weird ones...)

Spend enough time with anyone, they are bound to eventually get on your nerves, unless they are truly beautiful, near-perfect people, which is extremely rare. And if you happen to find that near-perfect person, chances are they will get fed up of you

 

[Cadcam]

Kids

Kids education, I believe.
My accoutant once said usually 3 things can break a marriage: money, children 's education disagree and ofcourse sex.

 

[2fast2slow]

People change over time, circumstances change, people fall out of love for whatever reason....many times it isn't really anyone's fault even. It's hard to keep a loving relationship going strong for years; it takes work, sacrifice and compromise.

I've heard that line so many times....'it takes work and sacrifice...' Unless there are kids involved, that does not sound like its worth the trouble lol