How to deal with guilt and shame?

[Sol Tee Nutz]

My $1.28 thought. I have no guilt or shame, I go into this thinking that the ladies I see do this on their own free will ( and I actually do think that most do ) and other than me being old the SP could do a lot worse. I am clean and polite, always try to start a conversation for a few minutes, respect their boundarys, do not request to cuddle with spare time, clean up, say thank you and leave.
Just my opinion.

EDIT: Yeah..... Forgot.... There was the odd occasion that I got oiled up, put on my chicken outfit, go into the inverted crab over mountain stance. do the muffled banshee cry and flail around the room while getting pegged :jaw:.... The medicine has prevented that for awhile now..... But that it my only shame.... Well... Ok, there was this one time with a mud shark, we will not bring that up now.

 

[EagerBeaver]

I don't have any guilt or shame either. Guilt is mainly for guys that are cheating, and if they don't want to feel guilty, they can stop cheating or else get a divorce and just live single and clean. Shame I think stems from being judgmental about one's actions, if we are to apply any logic it to it. Lose the judgments and you lose the shame. If you have healthy and fresh thoughts and attitude about your actions, these emotions do not come into play. They only come into play if you allow judgmental thinking to creep into your brain, or even to take it over. I see this in those who have had a religious upbringing that some part of their brain stubbornly clings to, even when battered with logic rebutting those religious judgments.

I have a theory that a certain percentage of men are just not built for marriage, including some friends of mine, but family/societal pressures, and ego, drive them into the institution. It complicates their lives and their true desires, making it difficult to pursue the avocation of exploring other women. They envy people like me who remained single knowing it meant this kind of freedom. That's really what it is all about, personal freedom. But as far as I can see my friends have zero issues with guilt and shame. They know that they are not built as monogamous men, and don't see any need to fight that realization.

Other guys stubbornly cling to notions that they should have a monogamous relationship even when they have failed at it or that it hasn't removed the wandering of their eyes. Ultimately it's up to all of us to figure out what we want and what makes us happy. Some know, but stay in denial, for reasons that cannot be explained. In some, I think they stay in denial because shame is a way to indulge self-loathing, and self-loathing can occur for a whole host of reasons outside the ones discussed in this thread.

I should note that I am viewing this thread as a plea for amateur psychoanalysis from board members in lieu of serious mental health treatment. I presume that if the thread starter believed he had a serious mental health issue requiring treatment, he would seek it and not be here.

 

[talkinghead]

Interesting thread and view points. I am married and need to keep these activities under the radar, but having said that I feel no guilt or shame at all. For me, the question of ethics comes into play not when I evaluate the morality of seeing an escort, but in an entirely different way: I want to make sure I am contributing to an escort's well-being (financially, sure, but maybe even more than that), and not exploiting someone who is vulnerable. When I research my next appointment, I try to make sure the SP is in the business for the right reasons. If that sounds too sensitive, so be it; but I've had a few encounters--mostly in the old days before the internet, when "hobbying" basically meant opening the Yellow Pages and picking an ad and hoping for the best--that I look back on with regret. As in: women who were clearly miserable, exploited, and desperate. If there's any guilt or shame, it's for taking advantage of a bad situation--again, something I do my damnedest to avoid.

 

[talkinghead]

What do you mean by "the right reasons"?

Hmm. I think it's pretty obvious but I'll say it. Here is one "right" reason: to make money through a combination of professionalism and, ideally, playfulness. Most importantly, they do it as a choice, having other options. Sure, we can wish that they do it for the pleasure, but they can get that without the hassles and risks of the work; the same thing goes for meeting people, traveling, etc. The bottom line: I hope my next SP likes her job.

I trust I do not have to name the many reasons that make me, and many of us here, uncomfortable. I have a friend in the business (not in Montreal), and of course I've talked with many women over the years. It can't be a secret out here that many girls, especially agency or bp girls, are not in this business (which is not a hobby to them!) for great reasons.

 

[Doc Holliday]

There are probably more johns who are in the 'hobby' for the wrong reasons than sps are. There are also probably more johns who are in the 'hobby' for the wrong reasons than there are johns who are in it for the right reasons.

But that's another story.

 

[westwoody]

No shame for me regarding money or cheating as I am single and answer to nobody.

With most quality ladies it's a fair exchange, we each have what other wants, at the end everyone is happy.

I do feel bad when I don't treat women as well as they deserve.
Hard to explain but sometimes I feel they treat me better than i deserve and I don't treat them as well as I would like to. That is my fault, not theirs.

 

[Doc Holliday]

No shame for me regarding money or cheating as I am single and answer to nobody.

With most quality ladies it's a fair exchange, we each have what other wants, at the end everyone is happy.

I do feel bad when I don't treat women as well as they deserve.
Hard to explain but sometimes I feel they treat me better than i deserve and I don't treat them as well as I would like to. That is my fault, not theirs.

I totally agree and we're in the same boat. I'm single, i enjoy life, i don't answer to know one but me and i'm living the dream!

It's also a fair exchange for me and everyone leaves happy. And yes, i also feel at times that i'm getting much more in return than they are since at times i feel i'm being treated like a king. I could also return the favor more often, but like you said, it's on me and not their fault.

 

[nivirto2]

I felt heavy shame not being able to get "hard" to have intercourse. Pretending to be aroused or forcing myself to be but genuinely not feeling it. I feel like shit afterward. Embarassing!! I'm trying to overcome this but I just don't know how exactly...

 

[Flyingby]

First time? Or is this always?
If it’s new. No worries. Change providers
If it is consistent. Pop a blue pill.
Stop jerking off

 

[sambuca]

Blue pill
Less porn
No jacking off
You'll start getting harder from less stimulus

 

[nivirto2]

@Flyingby @sambuca

Not first time and not always but I don't think I went in there with the right mindset. Forcing myself too much, maybe? I think it's mental and a combination of many factors in my personal life.
It's not tangible but there's something in me and maybe I did deserve that failed session because my body didn't honestly feel it.
I barely touch porn these last months and some years but there was a period where I did consume too much back in the days. There was like 2-3 days of intensive porn the last years before an epiphany. Anyways I just need to take this off my chest and don't feel sorry for me because my life is still better than those who has to fight to stay alive in war-torn countries.

I'll avoid the pill and I can get hard easy in a safe environment but there was something about the girl that I couldn't point my finger to. She's good-looking, nice breast and a bit round. She's a nice person but I could tell there was something about her that is throwing me off a bit. The tone of her voice tells me there must be something in her past that is not quite right. I felt comfortable around her but not too much. She's kinda new but did lack a bit of charm. Touch her when we're both naked but I couldn't feel anything, I went down, I finger her and wasn't feeling aroused enough to get hard.
She's respectful and somehow enthusiastic but it was mainly me who is the issue! I had to put an end to the session because I felt bad with myself that night.

 

[cloudsurf]

Niverto your problem is that you overthink everything.

You need a woman who will fuck your brains out silly. I can think of several …..lol

 

[No_Church_InThe_Wild]

Niverto your problem is that you overthink everything.

You need a woman who will fuck your brains out silly. I can think of several …..lol

Best advice so far

 

[jalimon]

Niverto your problem is that you overthink everything.

You need a woman who will fuck your brains out silly. I can think of several …..lol

hehe exactly what i tough

Sonia Nivirto2 needs you!!!

cheers,

 

[Flyingby]

Niverto your problem is that you overthink everything.

You need a woman who will fuck your brains out silly. I can think of several …..lol

Click on cloudrsurf name. Then look at previous posts. Choose one! Lol
But a few come to mind
Sonia! Yes!
Lola at MM! Yes
Gaia. Yes!
Lea(when touring). Yes yes yes!

Oh and finally. I only share because i care. My new atf. Alicia at euphoria! YES!

 

[Halloween Mike]

Environement, moob and such can play a huge factor in getting hard or not. No matter the hotness factor of the SP you are seeing. Use the set up that fit you the most but in term of location and time etc

 

[No_Church_InThe_Wild]

Overthinking is never s good thing . Life is already complicated as it is .
So going in with a troubled head is going to ruin it for the little head before you know it .
So it’s all about the mindset.
Although I do realize that sometimes it’s easier said than done .

But a beautiful , skilled, enthusiastic and affectionate SP can do wonders and is a perfect distraction to life’s problems if albeit for a bit .
Flyingby suggestions look pretty good to me . GL nibirto2

 

[nivirto2]

Thanks to all for your replies, opinions and support! I'm not feeling judged so thanks to all.
I guess I just need to take this off my chest instead of keeping it all to myself. I will check your recommendation in time but I'm pretty sure the first thing I need to do is taking better care of myself. I just hope to work myself up to find peace within me again and happiness will ensue.

 

[cloudsurf]

Nivirto I just read your other thread about being attacked by a pimp with a knife and hammer. With your bad luck or bad karma , I would say that this hobby is not for you. Take up something safer like sky diving or swimming with great whites. If your parachute doesn`t open when you jump you can always try for a refund.

 

[laid_back_alex]

nivirto2
Could the traumatizing life & death experience you recently had be a contributing factor for your issue? Just a thought...