How to quit the Hobby/Addiction?

[erase]

One thing that seems to help control urges

Part of my habit/pattern/problem has always been a cycle which goes something like this:

1) jerk off looking at internet porn, sometimes for hours
2) the internet porn kicks off all kinds of fantasies/urges to get with a real woman
3) in some cases, this leads me to make a call to an SP that I shouldn't be making

Usually if I come during masturbation, all urges go away completely for a while (a good thing). However there are two problems doing this with internet porn. The first is that I seem to fall into a time warp, where hours can go by (hours that I can't afford to spend this way). The second is that this is usually how my ill-advised SP escapades start.

Recently I've been trying to go back to masturbating away from the computer (and other other "visual aids") and just using the good old-fashioned imagination. I find this is quite enjoyable, and also leads to much shorter "sessions" (maybe 10 minutes instead of two hours - seemed like the absolute minimum time I'd ever spend with internet porn was about half an hour). It also quenches my low-level urges, without dangling the possibility of an SP in front of my nose, which is good. Finally it seems like when I go this route I can manage my urges with less ongoing sexual thoughts (for hours after an internet porn binge I just seem to have vivid fantasies popping into my head, no matter how inappropriate the setting).

Another benefit is that, while the internet porn wank sessions are really kind of exhausting, the short imagination-fueled sessions are more refreshing.

I am hoping this insight will be helpful to someone else! Kind of like the nicotine patch for sex addicts...

e

 

[erase]

Scary stuff

Here's a story that kind of defines pathological sex addiction:

http://www.wisn.com/news/15031754/detail.html

Basically a guy left his 18 month old son strapped in his car seat in a parking lot while he went into a strip club for "several hours" in sub-freezing weather. The child was treated for frostbite and hypothermia, but was ok. The guy apparently told his wife he was going to buy milk at the grocery store... (she bails him out after he's arrested for child neglect!)

While I would like to think I would never, ever do anything on this level, the frightening thing is that on a certain level I can sort of understand how it happens. I have to admit I've used excuses to go out (yes I'm married), and then had an encounter (usually this is incredibly stressful, limiting the enjoyment - I was just driven to do it). Of course I'd never bring my kid.

I've done about a week with no internet porn, and a month with no SP encounters. I was tempted to check out some porn tonight, but think I'll be able to hold off.

e

 

[rumpleforeskiin]

It's not the girl, except the very rare occasion, they're all super nice to be.
It's not the money spent.
It's not the immorality, little risk of getting caught.
It's not the illegality since, again, little risk.

This is somewhat confusing. Morality is, of course, personal; what you consider moral and what someone else considers moral may vary considerably. And, of course, morality and getting caught are, to my mind, totally unrelated. Illegality is also not an issue if you're seeing outcalls as there's nothing illegal in this behavior.

So with those items dispensed, what you're left with is a deep inner conflict. With that in mind, I'm in total agreement with Louis Renault, who, if you've seen the movie, has absolutely no business discussing morality as he's the perfect picture of amorality. You've brought this discussion to the wrong place. You really should be taking this up with a person of the cloth, if you're so inclined, or a shrink. This is stuff that you've got to resolve within yourself.

 

[Mod 6]

My_dingaling, we can treat you like Lotto-Quebec deal with their addictive clients: ban you.

That said, the first step is to admit that you have an addiction. Which you did.

Then think of all the damages it can cause you, your family and love ones. How much pain it causes, how much hurt and regrets you would feel when you find out that this addiction has brought you pain and not pleasure.

Good luck.

Mod 6

 

[Ben Dover]

I'd like to hear the more vocal SP's opinion : Amélie, Abby, Juliana, Athana on what they, the Loto-Québecs of hobbying, are doing to protect the industry first and heir pocket books a very close second.

Maybe they can help you with the money part by offering a nice discount

I say don't worry about it too much. Society is conditioning you to feel this way. All of us are constantly bombarded with messages about how we are bad, guilty, unhealthy, financially stupid, morally reprehensible etc...

IF this was 200 years ago, you would be fat and happy, free of the phsychological burdens and so-called norms of our "moral" (yeah right) society. You would have banged the town whore, added to your already impressive list of medieval diseases, and headed home to see your wife, broke but with nice big shit-eating grin on your face from your roll in the hay.

So, try to live in 1807, not 2007 when it comes to certain things and you just might feel WAY better when you stop worrying about these things.

Just my opinion. I will now make way for the bleeding hearts...

BD

 

[gambler]

Health Info

Set a date.

day 15 no internet porn. Dont think I'll give up all MPs

Maybe I have no genetic instinctive resitence to internet porn.

 

[erase]

Hi -

I didn't check in for a few days (part of avoiding the board as some have suggested). I am glad to see more discussion generated. A few of my own comments to add:

- I agree that in a sense this (MERB) seems like a strange place to look for advice on how to kick this addiction... BUT

- we were all on this board anyway, and it's a great place to at least start talking about the problem (for those of us for whom it's a problem) as it's one of the extremely few places where you're not going to be judged the way you would virtually anywhere else. We're posting this in the health section, not the review section.

- given that there *is* a board of this nature, and that some people (like me) are likely to end up having something of a problem with the hobby, it would seem silly *not* to have at least some kind of thread. I don't agree with the analogy that posting threads like this one is like going to a bar to stop drinking - I see it more as confiding in some drinking buddies that I think it might be a problem for me.

- I don't think asking a SP for advice on this is really fair to her or likely to help. Ok now this *is* like going into a bar to try and get off alcohol - moreover you've pretty much ordered the drink.

My experience has been that this thread has been a helpful thing for me, and I spend a lot less time looking at the other (review-oriented) parts of the board and have been less plagued with constant cravings. At some point I obviously should move on (from the board), but this thread and the replies have been extremely valuable and encouraging. Thanks to all who have been participating!

One thing I did do is make a separate bookmark folder specifically for this thread so I could check it out without even being tempted by the other parts of the forum. Sounds dumb but it works.

I'm really at a tipping point in my life where I could either a) completely screw it up or b) get clear from a bunch of messy problems (mostly personal and financial). It's been a stressful time, and that makes the hobby all the more alluring. However the last few weeks I've made pretty good progress getting away from the really self-destructive behavior I was doing earlier, and it's making a really positive difference in my life. Can't make any promises about what I'll do in the future, but I almost forgot what it felt like to be free of the addiction.

e

 

[erase]

I'm putting my need for sex first in front of my personal and family finances and reputation.

I think you hit the nail on the head - it's not about any of the moral crap (at least directly). It's the fact that all normal intelligent decision-making sense is going out the window and we're doing this regardless of the consequences.

Good luck!

e

 

[gambler]

Just pulled myself away from internet. total 10 min today 1/2 hour 4 year.

Hope u guys are doing ok.

Joined the health club, and they tell me I got high blood pressure, goo 4 a steam bath raquet ball, and gym tommorow.

Had a great massage no hj last weeked by an old chinese lady, guite good
no damage $30.00

 

[gambler]

I have to say after I drove all around hells half acre 4-2 hours after to find an other parlor. got to stop doing that its just crazy.

My regards

 

[erase]

I have been staying away from it all fairly well - managed to off all of my debt, which was a huge achievement for me. In the past, whenever I had a windfall of cash I'd always spend part of it hobbying. Often this would mean that, rather than completely paying off a credit card or line of credit, I'd pay some of it off. This led to a situation where I had a bunch of open credit accounts, and a lot of cash-flow turnover making it easy to divert some of the money to the hobby. I finally paid off and (equally important) closed *all* of my "hidden" accounts, which is a huge relief. Ironically, with the removal of this financial stress and a simpler picture of my real financial situation, I have felt a lot less compelled to hobby. Not saying I'll never do it again, but glad I was able to stay away when I needed to these last few weeks. Things are going a lot better as a result.

Take care and thanks for the posts,

e

 

[gambler]

good job

Warning I think the heavy lifting starts in the spring.

Beware the ides of march.

 

[erase]

Warning I think the heavy lifting starts in the spring.

Beware the ides of march.

You mean that when spring comes, and the street of Montreal are alive with scantily clad young lasses, it might up the temptation level a bit?

I think you might be right... will watch myself.

e

 

[Regular Guy]

The curse!

This thread has prompted me to stop and take inventory for a moment also. Perhaps as such it does belong on the board if only to give us all perspective. I sure as hell wont be one to throw stones as I don't think any of us would. Sex in its first blush is in its most powerful form. It can hit the pleasure centres of the brain as surely as as a chemical based drug. It can give a high that for the time in which it does, can eclipse all of the pain and struggles both long and short term and exile one's demons to another place. To that end can you call it a psychological based or a physiologically based addiction? I don't know. We are all here because we have experienced it to such a fine pitch encounter after encounter that is has become a life style. The differences for some is that they have put it into perspective. And like the social drinker looking at the alcoholic I suppose it can be tempting to wonder, at times, just what all the fuss is about. They have kept the sirens of sex at bay from the git go. They are still here though.

Can staying away from the board(s) help. In as much as the board(s) is/are the environment which provide a culture for sp'ing such a move would remove the cultural base. Perhaps diversity is the key to a rich life. And the guarantee that total immersion in any one vice is unlikely. Pretty lame in the overall scheme of things when you are in over your head I know.

But just on a lighter note a word of hope. As we guys get older and face the onset of the golden years, the prostates enlarge, the libido diminishes and I suppose one sits on the couch like the cat that has just been spayed wondering, “What the hell just happened?” I think it was Socrates (somebody correct me if I don't have it right) who said when asked, in his sixties, about the powerful effects of the sexual urge in disrupting the power of thought, said, “Thank God I'm over that curse!”

 

[erase]

Thanks for the thoughtful post.

This thread has prompted me to stop and take inventory for a moment also. Perhaps as such it does belong on the board if only to give us all perspective. I sure as hell wont be one to throw stones as I don't think any of us would. Sex in its first blush is in its most powerful form. It can hit the pleasure centres of the brain as surely as as a chemical based drug. It can give a high that for the time in which it does, can eclipse all of the pain and struggles both long and short term and exile one's demons to another place. To that end can you call it a psychological based or a physiologically based addiction? I don't know.

There is absolutely zero doubt in my mind that, like many other things including drinking, gambling, and shopping, SP-ing can develop into a full-blown addiction (conversely all of those things can be enjoyed responsibly by many people as well). I think there are both psychological and physiological components to it (although not in exactly the same way as heroin, where you have physical withdrawal).

We are all here because we have experienced it to such a fine pitch encounter after encounter that is has become a life style. The differences for some is that they have put it into perspective. And like the social drinker looking at the alcoholic I suppose it can be tempting to wonder, at times, just what all the fuss is about. They have kept the sirens of sex at bay from the git go. They are still here though.

I have no idea what the proportion of people on this board are who have a problem - maybe very few. All that matters to me is that I have one.

Can staying away from the board(s) help. In as much as the board(s) is/are the environment which provide a culture for sp'ing such a move would remove the cultural base. Perhaps diversity is the key to a rich life. And the guarantee that total immersion in any one vice is unlikely. Pretty lame in the overall scheme of things when you are in over your head I know.

Restoring variety in life is indeed important IMHO. In my case, hobbying was the *only* fun/pleasurable thing I allowed myself (given a job and family situation that leave virtually no personal space). I only check this health-related part of the board from time to time, as starting this thread and discussing what for me was a problem is somewhat therapeutic. In a sense, getting a supportive or thoughtful reply fills some of the void for human interaction that I was trying to fill with SP's (but at much less cost in terms of money or time).

But just on a lighter note a word of hope. As we guys get older and face the onset of the golden years, the prostates enlarge, the libido diminishes and I suppose one sits on the couch like the cat that has just been spayed wondering, “What the hell just happened?” I think it was Socrates (somebody correct me if I don't have it right) who said when asked, in his sixties, about the powerful effects of the sexual urge in disrupting the power of thought, said, “Thank God I'm over that curse!”

I hope I get wiser as I get older. I could very easily have destroyed my life in the space of a few years (I'm in my 40's). I've had a couple of good months, largely because I got to the point where I had no choice. I don't want to jinx it, but by getting straighter starting in December I kind of dodged a number of bullets on a financial, family, and professional level. It was very close... and not quite over yet.

e

 

[Regular Guy]

Root of the compulsion?

The third - maybe - is my marriage. We have a lot of problems, and there are times when my wife just basically treats other people, including me, like sh*t. You might suppose that somehow she knows, consciously or unconsciously, and the treatment is a result of that knowledge. However although my secret sexual indulgences are something that started long before I met my wife, the abusive behavior preceded any dalliances on my part during our relationship by a long time. I basically have zero social life, as she dislikes all my friends and controls virtually every second of my time, and the whole situation is just extremely isolating - the simple human connection of an SP (and I realize it's a business transaction but then so are a lot of things) ends up being incredibly compelling as an outlet, and it's a lot simpler than having an affair

Erase,

And maybe therein lies a good part of it. Been there - done that! Relationships especially today take a lot of work. Our western culture has tipped the domestic balance. You are not alone. Sometimes it seems like a tradeoff, to have the warm summer nights with home, hearth, maybe even the security of the familiar. But if the affection is gone, you may have to take her on. You have to realize it can't go on or the alternative is, be prepared to go the way you have been going. Possibilities? Marriage counselling if you are both on board. Be prepared to go the other route if that fails. I have this friend, see? And he took his wife on. She decided to punish with an office romance. He upped the ante with terminating it all. With the proceeds he bought a modest home, took his boys and left. Years later she regrets it (confided to mutual friends). Now his perspective and the resulting motives are quite different. To what extent do you sell your soul to keep it going? Only you can answer that. But (assuming you move on) at that point you are your own man. If you want to find one appreciative of what you have to offer, well they are out there. Or if you simply want to enjoy this pursuit (hobbying) in complete control of how you want to play it then you can. Is your situation the root of your compulsion? Only you can figure out that one.

 

[erase]

But if the affection is gone, you may have to take her on. You have to realize it can't go on or the alternative is, be prepared to go the way you have been going. Possibilities? Marriage counselling if you are both on board. Be prepared to go the other route if that fails.

This is extremely good advice - I've sort of been telling myself stuff along these lines, but it helps a great deal to see it articulated so well. My (married) life is hell, to the point where the stress is going to hurt my health, maybe harm my kids (who are already upset by the bickering, venomous silences, and enraged outbursts from my SO), and who knows what else. I've been working up the courage to really have a go at marriage counseling for a long time - however I was terrified that it would dredge up my many "secrets". That's been a hidden cost of my addiction - one that led to a vicious circle. I think the inner shame (regardless of my justifications) at being a married guy and father doing this made it a lot harder to respect myself in the ongoing domestic situation. I couldn't muster the self-respect needed to defend myself, and I was afraid of what would come out in counseling. Cleaning up my act, as I've been doing, has really helped me to stick up for myself on the home front. Before, I was afraid (terrified, really) that any argument would lead to questions that I could not answer without my whole web of lies unravelling. It's slowly getting better as I fix things I screwed up while I was actively hobbying (basically spending money and time I shouldn't have). I think that in a few months, if I stay 'clean', I'll be a lot stronger dealing with these problems at home and in any counseling situation.

Thanks again for your comments,

e

 

[Regular Guy]

Some thoughts from a different perspective.

My (married) life is hell, to the point where the stress is going to hurt my health, maybe harm my kids (who are already upset by the bickering, venomous silences, and enraged outbursts from my SO), and who knows what else.

Did the behaviour on her part precede your stepping out or come after? Just wondering if she had maybe caught on. If it did preclude it then of course your relationship had problems. If so then a suggestion to her about counselling would definitely be in order.
How old are the kids? Teenagers can handle it much better but I can tell you from experience that they do understand that something is wrong. It becomes the lesser of two evils.
If basic incompatibility is the at the root of it then one or the other or both of you chose wrong in the first place. Would have been salvageable 50 years ago when many stayed together for the sake of the kids. Tougher today but still has potential with counselling in some cases.
If her behaviour began after the hobbying then she might have caught on that something was going on (women are much more perceptive than we think). In that case you can bet the rent money that it will all come out in counselling and you will have to take the rap. But it sounds like it began before, to me. If so your activities may or may not come out. Ya pays your money and ya takes your choice (chance).

Cleaning up my act, as I've been doing, has really helped me to stick up for myself on the home front. Before, I was afraid (terrified, really) that any argument would lead to questions that I could not answer without my whole web of lies unravelling. It's slowly getting better as I fix things I screwed up while I was actively hobbying (basically spending money and time I shouldn't have). I think that in a few months, if I stay 'clean', I'll be a lot stronger dealing with these problems at home and in any counseling situation.

There is a lot of merit to this IMHO. But in the end analysis it may only be staving off the inevitable. Women have a long memory. The upside is, as you say, helping you to gain more of the psychological imperative you will need, to employ the constructive solutions needed when it comes down to the crunch. I do feel that, in one sense though, (don't know how much comfort this will be) the fact that you turned to hobbying may have been a symptom of problems within the marriage and this could come out in counselling. Certainly not the best way you might have chosen to deal with marital problems but counsellors are trained to find the middle ground and not assess blame.
Now, true that this whole business is not much fun but it is also true that the anticipation is often more terrifying than the event itself. She just might find it a relief to finally get it all out in the open. Just a thought.

 

[erase]

Did the behaviour on her part precede your stepping out or come after? Just wondering if she had maybe caught on.

Her behaviors started long before my stepping out - I think the first time I saw an SP was 2-3 years into our relationship (while living on separate continents). I'm pretty sure she does not know, but as you say women are pretty perceptive. On the other hand, the fact that I'm still alive with an intact penis suggests that she does not know. She also treats other people poorly, and reacts very negatively in a number of ordinary situations. I know this sounds like I'm making excuses for my bad behavior - the right thing would have been to seek counseling a long time ago (instead of hobbying) or to have left the relationship before we had kids. The hobbying is my problem and I am dealing with it now.

How old are the kids? Teenagers can handle it much better but I can tell you from experience that they do understand that something is wrong.

The kids are younger. Obviously hobbying with young kids sounds/is pretty bad (from a priorities/financial/marriage/trust standpoint), and this is why I'm attempting to stop (I started hobbying long before having kids or being married, and the combined stress of marriage/kid stuff was a contributing factor in bad choices I made in this area over the last few years). Parenting under the present conditions is very difficult, but getting away from the hobby has made a huge positive difference (again not to judge the hobby - it's just not what I personally should be doing right now).

If basic incompatibility is the at the root of it then one or the other or both of you chose wrong in the first place. Would have been salvageable 50 years ago when many stayed together for the sake of the kids. Tougher today but still has potential with counselling in some cases.

Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between basic incompatibility, and emotional problems that would doom any relationship (something I think my wife has). For my kids sake, and because I do value my marriage (there are still good patches), I want to have a really good go at counseling. My wife will never suggest counseling in a million years, and it might be tough to get her to do it (although I could be surprised). Removing the stresses (time, financial) caused indirectly by hobbying can't but help things in the marriage, either.

If her behaviour began after the hobbying then she might have caught on that something was going on (women are much more perceptive than we think). In that case you can bet the rent money that it will all come out in counselling and you will have to take the rap. But it sounds like it began before, to me. If so your activities may or may not come out. Ya pays your money and ya takes your choice (chance).

As you guessed, her negative behaviors started long before my hobbying within the relationship (although I had indulged before the relationship). For what it's worth, I'd had a previous relationship over many years during which I did no hobbying and had no affairs. The current relationship is just a lot more stressful.

There is a lot of merit to this IMHO. But in the end analysis it may only be staving off the inevitable. Women have a long memory. The upside is, as you say, helping you to gain more of the psychological imperative you will need, to employ the constructive solutions needed when it comes down to the crunch. I do feel that, in one sense though, (don't know how much comfort this will be) the fact that you turned to hobbying may have been a symptom of problems within the marriage and this could come out in counselling. Certainly not the best way you might have chosen to deal with marital problems but counsellors are trained to find the middle ground and not assess blame.
Now, true that this whole business is not much fun but it is also true that the anticipation is often more terrifying than the event itself. She just might find it a relief to finally get it all out in the open. Just a thought.

As you say, the prospect of what might come out in counseling is terrifying. Obviously it would all be a lot easier if I had a clean conscience. I think I need some time to pass (putting the hobby and my double life further behind me) before I can do it.

Thanks again for this very supportive dialogue - some have questioned the idea of coming to this board for support/advice/whatever. I created a direct bookmark to this thread, and don't visit the other parts of the board. I don't think I could get this kind of judgement-free support (which is really helping me get my life together and for which I'm extremely grateful) on many other forums.

By the way, maybe I'm paranoid but I hope I'm not giving away too much personal information - to the point of possibly making myself identifiable. As you can imagine, one of my worst fears has been that this does get to the point of divorce, the hobbying comes out, and that this negatively affects my access to or custody of my kids. I don't think I'm saying much that couldn't be said by hundreds if not thousands of guys - still saying openly that you have kids here is a little frightening.

e

 

[Regular Guy]

Best of luck!

Thanks again for this very supportive dialogue - some have questioned the idea of coming to this board for support/advice/whatever. I created a direct bookmark to this thread, and don't visit the other parts of the board. I don't think I could get this kind of judgement-free support (which is really helping me get my life together and for which I'm extremely grateful) on many other forums.

By the way, maybe I'm paranoid but I hope I'm not giving away too much personal information - to the point of possibly making myself identifiable. As you can imagine, one of my worst fears has been that this does get to the point of divorce, the hobbying comes out, and that this negatively affects my access to or custody of my kids. I don't think I'm saying much that couldn't be said by hundreds if not thousands of guys - still saying openly that you have kids here is a little frightening.

You are most welcome. I know how much support counts for at times like this. We are sometimes too close to things to see them objectively. And this kind of thing does belong on this forum by the way. Don't kid yourself. This hobby is not always Disneyland. And everyone needs to discuss issues like this as well as how sweetly she rang one's bell. Also yes, even though the risk may be low, discretion is a good policy and enough has already been shared here for those who are interested to get a good picture.

One further comment on kids. The divorce laws are changing somewhat to reflect a more no-fault stance. The old fashioned stance that courts have taken in the past of leading towards the awarding of parental rights to mothers has changed as is their stance on the division of property. I suspect this may be due in part to high profile incidents in the past like the doctor in Toronto who took such a beating in his divorce that he simply walked into Lake Ontario. Today we find more of a fifty-fifty approach with the ability of one partner to give the other a hard time greatly restricted. Not quite sure how Quebec handles it though and it might be nice if some of the lawyers on the board could help us out with that one. Finally I hope that it doesn't come to that but if in the course of events you find yourself faced with divorce, try to get her to agree to mediation. Much cheaper (but get good references – you don't want a feminist lawyer.) Second, don't lose your head with guilt. The sense of failure can be so powerful as to parallel that of a death in the family. Years down the road when you might find yourself with the sweetest lady you could ever imagine yourself being with, some things can come back to haunt you. Now all that said, I wish you luck with putting it all back together. Be innovative. Now that you have the money, lol, maybe a romantic cruise will have the two of you back to wedded bliss. Best of luck my friend.
RG