Erase, when I read your posts, even though I am not really into hobbying, I feel like it is me writing inf front of the computer. I have the same "symptoms" as you have, and before writing my story I wanna say I am really happy for you gettin along better with it now.
The difference between and the major part of this forum is that I am in my ealry 20's. I have been reading MERB for a while now, but I do not post a lot. I have never met an escort before. I have been into strip clubs in the past, but it has been a while now since I have not gone there.
Here is how it all started:
I can not remember at what time the problem appeared in the first place. I remember going first to a strip club at 17 years old, or maybe 18 years old, with some friends, just to have some fun with the boys, and I was in a relationship with a girl at work in the same time. It had just started. It was probably Mid-december up in 2004 (if I am not mistaken). I was the happiest man on earth, healthy, good grades at school, good friends and a new "perfect" girlfriend. Our relationship had been great till the end of summer 2005, about 8 months later. I started school (was entering University), was founf alone in class, not many friends, not to say none. Classes were boring, I live in the West Island, and it took me 1h30 mins to get to them and same time to came back (car + metro). The program was not quite what I was looking for. I dropped school at mid-semester approximately, found a job in a calling center in a few weeks, since was still living at home and decided since I was not at school I had to pay rent (which was okay since it would have cost me a lot more than what they were asking for).
From november 2005 to august of the next year, I worked full time, but was tired of customer service over the phone and wanted to get back to school, in another branch. In the winter, the company I worked for used to cut the hours, and I worked less than 40 hours, so I needed to entertain myself, as I was working night shifts. Theere was a Videoself near where I live and started to rent comedy movies, at 2 am, getting back home after work. As I had seen most of them, I started to rent porn movies since it was not quite expensive. I was feeling a little bad since I had a the same girlfriend and it was not really "my type". When I used to bring back the movies to the store, I always said to myself: Okay, this is the last one, it was just because you were stressed and alone, next time you will find something better to do of your time". But I was back at the store in the next few days. I think the fact I was not seeing my girlfriend a lot had a lot to do with it, since my "libido" is pretty much on the red line at "yound adult" time and needed to jerk off. But the next days, I was back at the store. I kinda got used to it, so I stopped thinking about how I felt bad.
But know it got a little further: In mid-august, two weeks before starting school (everything had been settled of course), I was done with those movies since night shifts were done and it was summer, there was plenty of activities to do. Some folks were beginning the job at the calling center were joling about porn and strippers all the time and asked me to go and take a beer at the strip joint, which we did. Nothing happened as I can not let myself do this while into a relationship, but same process again. We went a few times, and then I used to go alone, and ended up in a booth with a stripper at SG. I sometimes went just to get a beer and cool off, but this time really did it, and can not really understand or explain why. I had this kind of excitement/stress as I was going up the stairs with the girl, but I have no idea what it really represented and still do not know right now. While driving back home, I really felt bad as my "sex high" was now down, and had a lot of trouble sleeping. I do not live with my girlfriend, so she was not at home.
I said to myself this had really gone bad, but ended up in another club soing it with another club. It happened twice. After that, school had started back so I did not really have time to, so it was getting better. The sex excitement could not go off though, so internet became a good soluton to jerk off for free. Spent hours over the web watching pics and movies. Went back to strip club with friends over the winter after skiing, but never in a booth. I guess I had enough with internet as my girlfriend could not give me enough. Up to a few months ago now, I took all my courage, got myself together, and said everything to her, all the bad moves I had done. (with a letter, but of course she had questions, she cried, I died too and we talked a lot after.)
I truly made strong efforts not toing back, it lasted about 2 weeks and then I was back on the internet. Our relationship is not as good as it was in the "old" times, in 2004-2005, but better than it was when I was starting back school few years ago.
Now here I am today, still stuck with this internet porn addiction, trying to find some help. Financials are not a problem for me as I am not hobbying. Time is my problem. I get late and was never before that, I plan stuff which I finish not even doing and it really pisses me off. I really do not know how to get out of it, and I really love my girlfriend. I feel like I maybe jumed too fast on her, did not take the time else to date girls in clubs and bring them back home for the night or had the time to try escorts.
C'est un peu comme un désir non accompli, une étape que j'aurais voulu franchir mais qui est toujours en attente! Peut-être que je manque de confiance en moi...Un autre point à apporter est que quand j'ai commencé à sortir avec ma copine, je me trouvais physiquement plus beau, mieux dans ma peau, jamais gêné, toujours à l'aise car j'avais perdu bcp de poids et était comme un nouveau jeune homme. Aujourd'hui j'ai repris un peu de poids et n'ai pas la même confiance.
Today, I am still looking for a solution. I can not go on with my life as it is. I have to focus on my school, my girlfriend and work too. Time is killing me with my internet porn.
I was thinking maybe calling a specialist, the one mentionned in thsi thread, insurance could maybe cover that or if not, it is worth the money if I can live a better life afterwards.
Any suggestions?
Edit: Sorry for my english if it has syntax error, I did my best. I am initially a french talking person.