How to quit the Hobby/Addiction?

[Mother_rekcuF]

Hello,

I'm in my late 20' and been doing this sex scene from the age of about 18. My first language is French so bare with me. I don't know how much money I must of spent (1000's). Take today for example I spent $200.00 at a strip joint. I have a gf I live with and I'm very happy with her, really. This shit is like a bad drug, I'm not sure why so man glorify this world. IT's not really a hobby as many refer to it, but rather an addiction.

We might think of the sex scene as a form of entertainment or hobby, but nothing good comes of it. If we play tennis, we develop our body and social skills. If we play chess or read, we develop our minds. What do we develop in this hobby? Nothing but lust, loss of self-control, shame, depression, loneliness, loss of social skills, separation from family and friends, loss of time and MONEY!

How can I stop?

Share thoughts

 

[Conolly]

agreedment

i tottally agree with you...
i have no clue how to stop...the only thing i can say is dont start
i heard it was as hard for SP to stop escorting...it was a real addiction ,also is for the client....

 

[Board Stiff]

Speak for yourself...This hobby is very redeeming for me.

 

[naughtylady]

Board Stiff>> care to elaborate?

 

[Board Stiff]

ronnie

not really, i am about to pass out...
but something along the lines of i love making love to new beautiful women every two weeks or so..
you want a piece of me?

 

[TheComte]

Mother_F problem is related to the fact that he is happily hooked up with someone. I can relate to that entirely.

It is an addiction but the main problem is that you just can't quit making love like you can taking alcool or orther "drugs". Availability and quality is so easy to get. Plus, you'll have GFs and at a certain point a wife and you'll end up thinking about experimenting with someone else again...

I personnaly have decreased considerably the amount of time I spend with MPs and SPs. (No guys I don't post on everyone I see, talked about the real good and the real bad, and then again I refer to the agency more than the lady. The other are such YMMV that I consider it unfair to the ladies to talk about it)

I still have the urge, will always have and some fantasies that are still up in the air to be fulfilled before I try to call it quits...

2 tricks that work for me.

First, I try to book as many things as I can in the time slots where I normally meet the ladies. It eliminates the last minute bookings...

Second, You have to think about "where" in your thinking pattern you go from appreciating what you see out there and getting that "urge" to visit someone. Once you have identify that "spot" in the chain of thinking, try to develop a reflex of saying a resounding "NO" in your head...shake that thought

M_F to peu m'envoyer un PM si tu veux. Il y a beaucoup de sexologue au Québec qui se spécialisent dans ce genre d"addiction". Mais ce n'est vraiment pas facile...Courage mon gars

 

[erase]

When the hobby becomes a problem - compulsive sexuality

I know many guys here hobby with the utmost responsibility, but I expect that for some, the drive to see new girls may get to the point where you're doing it even when it's causing harm to your personal life (other relationships, financial, work, time, whatever).

I'll be the first to say that it essentially comes down to personal responsibility and that we all have a choice to call or not to call, but I've been finding that many aspects of my hobbying are starting to get disturbingly similar to what I imagine compulsive gambling might be like.

Does anyone know of any useful resources for getting a handle on sexually compulsive behavior? Anyone found any good personal strategies for keeping the hobby and other aspects of sex in perspective and under control?

You don't have to look very hard to find reports in the popular press (as opposed to specialist journals like this ) citing figures about what an extensive problem online-porn addiction has become. I don't want to get swallowed up in that hole. At the same time, I know it would be naive to make some bold pronouncement about how I've had a lot of good experiences but I'm going to retire. I've been doing this kind of stuff (porn, and sex when and how I can get it) since my late teens (never getting caught - almost). I realize it's going to be hard to give up.

This is not a judgement against anyone else or an indictment against the hobby - just my own admission that it might be getting bigger than me and wondering if anyone has some insight on how to manage. Some might say this is not a health issue, but there's an increasing trend to view all forms of addiction as a medical problem. The problem is that this can also be a convenient excuse for irresponsible behavior - it will be a sad day when people think they can excuse any evil or butt-headed thing by invoking a mental health issue... the only value in this medicalized attitude is if it helps come up with ways to deal with the problem. I know I have a problem, and it's my responsibility to deal with it.

e

 

[erase]

Good point about Lotto Quebec. In fact they do have a web page on just this subject:

http://www.loto-quebec.com/corporatif/nav/en/responsible-gaming/need-help/help

It's really striking that if you replace "games of chance" with "sexual activity" all the same concepts apply. It's relaxing, fun, and healthy in moderation but when it gets out of control it can mess up your life real good (I don't think I'm there yet, but with some bad luck and a little more compulsion I could see it going there).

In a sense, the hobby *is* gambling - you wager the fee, and the "prize" is a positive encounter with someone you really connect with for that hour. "Losing" is opening the door and meeting someone who does not meet your expectations, or just not connecting with the girl (this can be an extreme low even though it's nobody's fault). The big difference is that nobody expects to make money from hobbying - it's a different kind of reward (by the way I have never been into gambling at all - I don't even like playing cards). The other big difference is that generally nobody's wife or boss is going to care if he plays poker once in a while - however our hobby has to be practiced with a little more discretion (perversely, a big part of the fun for me).

e

 

[Turbodick]

I think this is an excellent topic.
To be aware of the possiblity of a problem that can ruin your life is definitely a health issue. Addictions are brain chemistry related.
I think the way to ease out of a situation where you feel things are getting a little carried away is not to just force yourself to drop the activity, but rather to create other things to fill the void.

 

[mr.bean]

When the hobby becomes a problem
quote
just my own admission that it might be getting bigger than me and wondering if anyone has some insight on how to manage.

do you really want to stop? what are you willing to do ? can you answer this

 

[Loki318]

Erase, From personal experience and from others I have talked with this problem usually or most often is when one starts having a favorite escort that he sees exclusively or almost so and that opens a whole other discussion.

As long as I was seeing a different escort every time or at least not the same one over and over there wasn't a problem but not long after I discovered my "Fav" I was "hobbying" twice as much and spending 3 times as much or more. The family budget started to suffer not long after that.
I had to break from the hobby and slowly break from the "Fav" I will be back to the Hobby but the new rule for me is never the same one more than twice.

Loki318

 

[erase]

Thanks for the replies -

I think in my case, it's a matter of "how much" and "when".

I find that some forays occur under the following situations:

- to celebrate some other good fortune
- when under particularly great stress (and should be using the time and/or money to address the cause of the stress)
- when I could still afford it, but things would be a lot further from the edge if I didn't do it


Occasionally I feel a certain amount of guilt after an encounter (classic addiction), generally along the lines of "this really is not what I'd hoped for, and I could have done something better with the time and money". On the other hand there are still instances where I feel like it was exactly what I was looking for, and don't feel the guilt. I have about one encounter a month - it's not disastrous for me, but a bit less would be better. As you may have guessed I am married (with problems) and need to resort to some subterfuge to keep this up - often I sneak out from work (where my position is senior enough that nobody asks me what I'm doing). It's a bit isolating and probably keeping me from developing the real friendships I need to get through some of the stuff going on in my life now.

Mostly I probably need to take a break for a while now until some other things in my life stabilize, and then try to really only do it when all conditions are right and with enough research (helped greatly by this site - I know I don't give enough back) to avoid the most severe disappointments.

Talking to a psychologist would probably be a good idea - this is the kind of thing they are trained for. Given all the stigmas with the hobby it's a bit easier said than done but sometimes you just have to suck it up. I expect these guys have seen everything...

e

 

[tothebone]

First, I want to say that's it's a very interesting thread.

I understand fully what Erase is talking about. I just want to say that a psychologist will not solve the problem by himself. A guy got to figure out by himself if he got a problem with hobbying and at wich extend. As for the guilt. It's the same thing. The whole society claims that it's bad so one wy or another it gets to you. Personnally, I think that each case is different. We all do it for our own reasons.

I consider myself a controled sex addict. I'm addcit to porn and the more porn I see, the more I fantasize and it often end up with a SP. Since I,M busy and my live is well balanced, it's OK but if I was alone I don't know to wich extend hobbying could develop into a problem for me.

In my mind the key word is satisfaction. When I meet a SP and I'm fully satisfied, it's fine for a while, but when you got bad encounters and deception, you keep on going and going. So if you can't get any satisfaction quit because that's where it get dangerous.

The word says it all. It's a Hobby, not an everyday way of life.

 

[montreal_monk01]

Erase,
This a great and highly informative topic.
It reminds us how we can just get addicted to this hobby without
realizing it. In my case, I am fortunate that there's some sort of self automation
that refrains me sometimes from abusive hobbying -> I can plunge in a momentum of addiction where I would -- for a limited time -- feel addicted to escorts. Then I would start getting fed up/annoyed and would all naturally stop hobbying for a while.

 

[naughtylady]

Erase, From personal experience and from others I have talked with this problem usually or most often is when one starts having a favorite escort that he sees exclusively or almost so and that opens a whole other discussion.

As long as I was seeing a different escort every time or at least not the same one over and over there wasn't a problem but not long after I discovered my "Fav" I was "hobbying" twice as much and spending 3 times as much or more. The family budget started to suffer not long after that.
I had to break from the hobby and slowly break from the "Fav" I will be back to the Hobby but the new rule for me is never the same one more than twice.

Loki318

I know of some addicted hobbiests who are addicted to finding the next hidden gem. That is their rush... and as soon as they find one they are off to find the next one. So the addiction can present itself in different forms...

Hobbying is an addiction when other parts of your life are suffering. Those parts can be household budget, paying regular bills, work, family life, avoiding other commitments in order to hobby, etc (you get the idea)

When it is out of control it you need to get help, otherwise you would have it under control. Worded this way it sounds kind of obvious but it is just like any other addiction. When you want to hobby, and you can that is your business. When you want to stop and you cannot, you need help.

Ronnie,
Naughtylady

 

[gambler]

addiction

Not really but I am headed in your direction.

But not today.



Bon Voyage

 

[erase]

Wow - thanks for all the supportive and thoughtful replies.

Writing this post, and reading the responses has been a good first step for me in hopefully keeping this sane. For me there are two potentially destructive effects (and maybe a third).

The first is money - the problem is that my cash flow is so complex (well-paying full-time job plus consulting work BUT a family and a fairly high standard of living) that it's easy to justify nearly anything and 'launder' my hobbying expenses. I can pay all my bills ok - it's just sometimes hard to track the long term impact of the expenses and occasionally there is a month where I have big expenses and someone is late paying what they owe me and the margin I spent hobbying would have been nice to still have (I'd say I spend about $300 a month) or I just feel like it would have been nice to make some other discretionary purchase.

The second is time - MERB is definitely part of my problem, and I confess that I have been a real lurker (often because after an SP experience - good or bad - I just need to get away - not because I want to hoard info). Often a typical pattern is that I just wake up in the morning with this burning urge ('craving' - a hallmark of addiction) and when I get into my office I'm checking who's available for the day and relentlessly scanning reviews. I could have done some pretty constructive things in all the hours I've spent like this, but I manage to get my work done. It's just getting increasingly on the edge and I know I'm missing opportunities that would have been rewarding on a personal and professional level. As I mentioned above I have a demanding day job plus moonlighting - it's not like I have a lot of extra time.

The third - maybe - is my marriage. We have a lot of problems, and there are times when my wife just basically treats other people, including me, like sh*t. You might suppose that somehow she knows, consciously or unconsciously, and the treatment is a result of that knowledge. However although my secret sexual indulgences are something that started long before I met my wife, the abusive behavior preceded any dalliances on my part during our relationship by a long time. I basically have zero social life, as she dislikes all my friends and controls virtually every second of my time, and the whole situation is just extremely isolating - the simple human connection of an SP (and I realize it's a business transaction but then so are a lot of things) ends up being incredibly compelling as an outlet, and it's a lot simpler than having an affair - I have plenty of opportunities but I'm pretty sure this would be *more* disastrous than the hobby could ever be in emotional and (since it would likely be with co-workers) professional terms. Also ironically after the outlet of an SP experience, I often feel a renewed appreciation for those things I have in my family life that I won't get from SP'ing. I expect a number of guys probably feel similarly in that in a sense hobbying is *saving* my marriage.

It's clear to me that, at the very least, I'm vulnerable to this getting to a problem level. I'm not going to make any unrealistic promises about stopping, just trying to keep it reasonable.

Thanks for the replies - maybe we can consider this a thread open for anyone who wants to vent or talk if they feel the hobby is getting out of control for them.

e

 

[Doggywoggy]

I know I have a problem, and it's my responsibility to deal with it.

This is then all that matters and its obviously the most important step for any problem. So from this I can see that your on your way.

 

[Ben Dover]

everything needs perspective... If you were a homeless heroin junkie who got clean, climbed off the streets and started making a good living and then got a little "hooked" on hobbying it wouldn't seem so bad... If you were a priest and have been skimming money from the church to fund your secret hobbying addiction, it would seem very bad. In my view each person needs to set their own limits and stick to them like glue, no ifs ands or buts... Everything requires discipline, especially those things that can be addictive (drinking, eating, drugs, gambling, SPs etc etc...). If you set your limits and stick to them you will feel happy with yourself and in control at all times. For some things (like smoking for instance) you need to just walk away from it and never ever do it again.... Seeing SPs does not have to be all or nothing in my opinion...

BD

 

[erase]

My cover is blown!?!

If you were a priest...BD

Aw man - how did you guess?



Seriously, that is quite well put. We need to consider the actual and potential consequences of our SPing.

e