Joke Thread

[metoo4]

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska.
While they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were.
They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air.
Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.
"Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.
So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo.
He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there.
He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".


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[XMAN]

3 some gone wrong....way WRONG!!!!!

http://www.sexspanker.com/gonebad.wmv

 

[metoo4]

A guy feeling like a little nookie goes to a prostitute.
He asks how much for full sex. She says $20 for the rough version and $40 for the smooth version.
He thinks about this and finally opts for the rough version.
They go into her bedroom and he gets his dick out and stuffs it into her pussy.
And it is rough, very very rough. It is so rough it feels like he has been shagging a tube of sandpaper.
He is curious by now and he pays the prostitute $40 for the smooth version.
She disappears into the bathroom for 5 minutes and when she comes back he gets his dick out...
And it is smooth, very very smooth. He asks the lass what the diffeence is between the two versions and she tells him that for the smooth variety, she scratches off the VD scabs!

 

[CoolAmadeus]

A couple and Santa

I am translating this one from French, so please bear with me...

------------------------------​

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After flirting with each other, they got married. Their mariage was, obviously, perfect!

------------------------------​

On the night of Christmas, this perfect couple were driving in their perfect car along a desert road, when they noticed someone having problems on the side. Being perfect, they stopped to offer their help. The person needing help was Santa Claus, with his backsac full of gifts.

Since they didn't want millions of kids throughout the world to be deceived at Christmas, the perfect couple decided to take Santa onboard their perfect car and drive him around to help him distribute all of his gifts. Unfortunately, the perfect couple and Santa had an accident...

Only one of them survived... Who was it?

 

[CoolAmadeus]

The perfect women survived... Why?

She's the only character in this story to really exist. Everyone know that Santa Claus and a perfect man don't exist, right?

(OK, Women must stop reading the joke here... Men, please continue to the next post)

 

[CoolAmadeus]

So, if Santa Claus doesn't exist, no more than the perfect man, the perfect woman was obviously driving... That explains the accident!

By the way, if you are a woman and you are still reading this part, it just proves one more fact of life: Women never listen to what we tell them!

 

[celinebisous]

Perfection

Well I read that at least the perfect woman does exist

So, if Santa Claus doesn't exist, no more than the perfect man, the perfect woman was obviously driving... That explains the accident!

By the way, if you are a woman and you are still reading this part, it just proves one more fact of life: Women never listen to what we tell them!

 

[EagerBeaver]

Funniest Warning Labels

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=8&u=/ap/20050106/ap_on_fe_st/wacky_warnings

 

[naughtylady]

A Pope was dying. He sent a message to the present Canadian
Prime Minister, Paul Martin, and past Prime Minister, Jean
Chretien, to come to his room at the Vatican.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room, the clergyman held out his hands and
motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The Pope
grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the
ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both Martin and Chretien were
touched and
flattered that the Pope would ask them to be with him during his
final moment.
They were also puzzled though because the Pope had never
given any indication that he particularly liked either one of
them.
Finally, Chretien asked, "Fodder, what for did you hask de
two of huss to come 'ere?"
The Pope mustered up some strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want
to go as well."

 

[Gee]

An old sicilian man cones to america to visit his 3 grandsons after 20 years without seing them.


He looks at his eldest and exclaims "Tony, what did you eat to become so fat?"

"Well granpa, I really like pasta."

The old man says "Ah, I get it now, It's because you take too big a mouthfull."

He looks at his second granson and exclaims "Mario, what did you eat to get so many pimples?"

"Well, I really like a good pizza"

The old man says "Ah, I get it now, It's because you take too big a mouthfull."

He then turns to his youngest and asks "and you vinny, what did you eat to become so handsome?"

"Me gandpa, I like to eat clitorises."

"What?" the granfather replies, "but those taste like shit!"

"Grampa," vinny exclaims, "it's because you take too big a mouthfull."

 

[BackDoorMan]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

The joke is: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking John -- $50"

 

[Avery]

The joke is: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking John -- $50"

Not necessarily. Peter, like John, is also an apostle and, in addition, is a slang word for penis.

 

[Questions-girl]

Why did the blonde take a piece of sand-paper into the desert?

Becuase she wanted a map in case she got lost.

 

[The_Seeker]

one day 2 innocent young kids, a boy and a girl, were playing together in the sand at the beach

the little boy pulls down his shorts and points at his little penis and starts laughing at the little girl saying ... ha ha ... my dad says i have one of these and you don't .. ha ha

the little girl then pulls down her panties and points at her little vagina and says ... ha ha ... my mom says that with one of these i can have as many of those (then pointing at his penis) as i want .. ha ha

 

[TheComte]

computers and sex

A little boy asked his Dad one day, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His father responded, "Ah my son, I guess one day you will need to find out,
anyway! Well, you see, your mom and I first got together in a chat room on
Yahoo
Then, I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used
a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, ...........
nine months later, a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said, "You've got
male!"

 

[Medic_565]

Difference between men and women

A woman will stay out all night,come home and tell her husband she was at a girlfriends house all night. He'll call 10 of her best friends, and none of them will know anything about it.

A guy will stay out all night, come home and tell his wife that he was at his friends house all night. She'll call 10 of his best friends; each one of them will back up his story, and two of them will even swear that he's still there.

 

[TheComte]

true story ?

true story or not ?

Denver airport
On of United Airlines flights is cancelled

Everyone has to go to the counter to book on another flight.
One passenger really pissed off, goes in front of everyone and says to the lady that is really HAS to get on a flight NOW and first class...

The lady replies that she'll take car of him in due time like everybody else and please get back in line.

The guy starts shouting at the lady...
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM ?"

The lady picks up the PA sytem and says out loud that there is a passenger at the counter that doesn't know his identity, can someone come up the line to identify him...It takes a few seconds before everybody in the line starts laughing out loud...

The guys responds with an heartfelt "FUCK YOU"
To wich she replies that he has to get in-line for that too...

 

[Hornee]

Blonde

What do you put behind a blonde's ears to make her look better?















Her ankles!

 

[MManour]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. Glancing up as he adjusts his seatbelt, he sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. As he realizes she is heading straight towards him, a cold sweat of nervous anticipation washes over him - and low and behold - she sits down in the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out: "Business trip or vacation?"

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago" she replies jauntily.

"Oh my God!" he thinks, swallowing hard, instantly crazed with excitement. "Here is the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen, sitting inches away and she's on her way to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!"

Struggling to maintain some semblance of calm, he says casually: "How fascinating. How are you involved?"

"I'm a lecturer", she says, "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, trembling slightly, "And what myths might they be?"

"Well, one popular myth is that men of African race are the most well-endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to exceed expectations. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it's men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Running Bear", the man says, extending his hand, "Running Bear Papadopoulos."

 

[Hornee]

Surgery

A woman goes to a surgeon and asks for an operation, but says she is very embarassed by the operation and that nobody other than the surgeon and herself could know about it.

The surgeon agreed and asked what operation she needed.

She replied "I need my labia reduced in size as they are too big, but as I said I am very embarrassed so no-one can know."

The doctor agreed and did the operation.

When the woman woke up there were 3 red roses beside her bed. She was furious and demnaded to speak to the doctor.

When he arrived she was furious and demanded to know about the 3 red roses and why he did not keep it a secret as it was her wish because of the embarrassment.

The doctor told her not to worry, "The first red rose is from me because I knew you were going throught this alone and I sent you a red rose."

She said "OK, but what about the second?"

The doctor replied "The 2nd rose is from my nurse, I had to have help in the operating room and she sympathized with you and sent the second red rose."

The replied "OK, but demanded to know about the third."

The doctor replied, "Oh the third, that is from some guy on the fourth floor, in the Burns Unit and he wanted to thank you for his new ears!"