Joke Thread

[Reppy]

Drunk Husband

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”

 

[Magda]

oliver: Thank you. Those were hilarious!

 

[HonestAbe]

W. humour

When George Bush was elected he secretly called in several Southern Engineers&Architects and told them he was sick and tired of hearing "Redneck" jokes. He told them that it was his desire for them to show the world that Southerners were intelligent and capable of greatness. He asked them to build something that the world would marvel at and thank the southerners for. The engineers&architects assured him they would make him proud, and rushed off to begin their task.

Months later they sent word to W. that they had finished their project and it was a marvel he had to see for himself. W. wanted to see it first so he hopped on Airforce I and was flown to the Sahara Desert where he was greeted by the engineers and architects. He asked them what it was they had built and they told him it was just over the next sand dune. They walked up the dune and when they arrived at the top W. saw a magnificent bridge miles long and hundreds of feet high!

W. was horrified and screamed "A bridge!? In the Sahara Desert?!Theres no water you fools! Quickly, tear it down before anyone else sees it!" To which the engineers and architects replied "But Mr. President we can't, there are a bunch of rednecks fishing from it."

 

[Ted2005]

Chinese Proverbs

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fly upside down in airplane have crack up.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

New Book: Broken Bra Strap by Won Hung Lo.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

[Juliana]

Du Journal de Montreal !!!!!!

Les blages de Michel Beaudry.

La meilleur facon de se souvenir de la date d'anniversaire de sa blonde, c'est de l'oublie une fois.

Des danseuse parten en tournee et n'apporten que le string necessaire.

La maman chameau dit a son dit a son chamelon: "Mange toute ton assiette, sinon tu aurrais pas de desert."

Botox la beaute a plis reduits.

Si vous etes du genre stresse, permettez moi de vous rapeler de vous depecher, vous aller etre en retard.

Bonne journe et aller au festival just pour rire, ca va vous faire du biem.

 

[Magda]

Marriage Wisdom

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

A man upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? Sympathy?"

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A woman told her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire" he replied.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other woman replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

First guy: "My wife's an angel."
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

I was married by a judge. I should, have asked for a jury.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S. The rest cheat in Canada....LOL!

Pinched from this site: http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_jan2005/2005_Marriage_Wisdom.htm

 

[HonestAbe]

Department store for husband shopping.

There once was a woman who couldn't ever seem to find a man to marry. She dated and dated but never could find Mr. right. One day she was reading a newspaper and saw an add for a new store which was going to sell men to women needing a husband. A huge selection of good quality men was promised to all women who showed up for the grand opening.

She could hardly believe it, but she was so desperate that she made sure to be one of the first in line on opening day. The doors finally opened and she walked inside. The first floor had a large variety of men and in front of the display windows which they were all behind there was a sign which read "All these men have good jobs." She noticed another sign next to the elevator saying "More men upstairs", but also added "Once you pass on the men on a floor you can never come back to that part of the store again."

She thought to herself that having a good job is important for a husband since she would want to be supported and have her children provided for, but she didn't want to be hasty so she decided to pass on the first floor and see what was on the second floor. So she rode the elevator up and when she got out she saw more men in another glassed in display area with a sign that read "These men all have good jobs and are very sensitive and loving."

She thought to herself a good job and very sensitive and loving is even better since she really wanted a man who would cherish her and their children. But she was still wondering what else was available so she decided to pass again and take her chances on the next floor. When she got off the elevator she made her way over to the display area and read the new sign which said "These men all have good jobs, are loving and sensitive, AND are drop dead gorgeous." She was really excited now and she was thinking about picking a man but she looked at the elevator and was immediately swept away with the idea of what would be on the next floor!

So she rode the elevator to the next floor, but when the doors opened she was shocked to see that it was completely vacant except for a sign which read "There are no men on this floor, it just goes to prove that there is no pleasing some women, please exit the store and never return."

 

[eastender]

100% True Gfe

A lot has been written by posters in various
threads about the GFE.Instead of joining an
on going debate perhaps we would all be better
served by the following that would define the
100% GFE.

INCALL
As you leave she smiles sweetly,hands you a full
plastic bag and tells you to drop it down the
chute on the way to the elevator.

OUTCALL
As she leaves she smiles sweetly and tells you
to clean-up the mess before her next visit.

MASSAGE PARLOUR/FS CLUB
Upon completion and payment she smiles sweetly
and tells you to clean-up the mess before you
leave.

 

[HockeyFan4MSOG]

LOL

I am going to hell.

Definitely.

 

[naughtylady]

ROFLMAO!!!

 

[CockAsian69]

Lonely Truck Driver

A man who has been a truck driver for 15 years thinks to himself about how lonely it is driving between provinces each month and colcludes that he needs a companion. While stopping of in a petstore, he asks the owner if he sells anything that would be good company during the long hours he spends on the road."Well sir," the owne replies,"I have here this frog..." And he produces a box with a frog inside.The truck driver exclaims "A frog??? What the fuck can a frog do?" "Glad you asked..." said the pet store owner... "Watch this..."
The pet store owner pulls out his cock, taps the frog on the head and it dives straight to his crotch where it proceeds to suck his cock and swallos the cum. "HOLY SHIT!" says the truck driver... I'll take it!!!

Two weeks down the road (Hehehe pardon the pun) the truck driver passes through Newfoundland where he sees a Newfie on the side of the road hitchhiking. He decides that he needs someone to talk to so he picks the guy up. After about 2 hours of conversation, the truck driver decides it's time to show off his frog. He produces the box with the frog inside, unzips his pants, taps the frog on the head and the frog does it's job. When finished, the truck driver asks the newfie if he wanted to try...
The newfie says "Sure enough... but please, don't hit the back of my head too hard..."

CA

 

[CockAsian69]

Bonga Bonga

Three men were on safari in Deepest Darkest Africa when the get lost from their group. While trakking around the suddenly find themselves surrounded by tribesmen.
"Oh thank god you found us"..., the men exclaim, "please help us find our way home..."
The chief is the only man who speaks a little English so he walks up to them and says "You tresspass our land, you now pay price!!!"
After two hours of trekking through even deeper and darker bush (hehehheh now now guys, not THAT kind of bush) they come across an isolated village to which they can see no escape. All three men are tied to a pole in the center of the village and await their fate while the village people confer...
The chief finally walks over to each man and looks them in the eyes. He then speaks up and says to the first man "You tresspass, you choose now, DEATH or bonga bonga?"
The first man looks the chief in the eye and calmly says "I don't want to die. I choose bonga bonga, whatever that is...."
"BONGA BONGA!!!!" The chief yells, and with a roar, all the men run up to the first man and fuck him up the ass HARD while the other two men watch in horror.
After finishing, the chief calmly walks over to the second man and calmy says with a wicked gleam in his eye "You turn! You tresspass and, you choose now, DEATH or bonga bonga?"
The second man looks the chief in the eye and starts to cry. Tearfully he says "I don't want to die!!!" He starts to bawl and says "I choose bonga bonga...."
"BONGA BONGA!!!!" The chief yells, and with a roar, all the men run up to the second man and fuck him up the ass HARDER than the first guy while the other two men watch in horror at times double and even triple penetrating him.
After finishing, the chief calmly walks over to the last man and excitedly says with a wicked gleam in his eye "You turn! You tresspass and, you choose now, DEATH or bonga bonga?"
The last man looks the chief in the eye and defiantly yells "Bonga bonga??? BONGA BONGA??? FUCK BONGA BONGA!!!!! I choose death!!!!" to which the chief answer with a wicked grin "Ahhhhh... DEATH... By BONGA BONGA!!!!"

CA

 

[HonestAbe]

Song bird.

A man at a loss for what to get his wife for christmas went to a pet store hoping for an idea. He was approached by a salesmen who asked if he could interest the man in a singing bird. The man agreed to take a listen. The salesman brought out a cute yellow bird and introduced him saying, "This is Chet, sing for the man Chet!" but Chet wouldn't sing. The man was ready to leave when the salesman pulled out a lighter and held the open flame underneath Chets rear end at which time Chet in a beautiful rendition of Nat King Coles' voice sang "Chets nuts roasting on an open fire...

 

[beteferoce]

joke coté comme la meilleur du monde

dernièrement des scientifique se sont penché sur le sujet afin de déterminer quelle était la meilleur blague du monde. ils ont donc rassemblé des milliers de blagues de plusieurs nationnalité afin de les tester su r ds cobaye.

dur a croire mais celle qui a provoqué le plus de fou rire fut une blague anglaise

elle va comme suit.



Sherlock Holmes et le Dr Watson sont au camping. Après un bon repas et une bouteille de vin ils gagnent leur sac de couchage pour la nuit et s’endorment.

Quelques heures plus tard, Holmes se réveille et aussitôt secoue son compagnon :

Watson, regardez le ciel et dites-moi ce que vous voyez?.

Je vois des millions et des millions d’étoiles?

Qu’est-ce que cela vous évoque ?

Astronomiquement, répond Watson, cela me dit qu’il y a des millions de galaxies et potentiellement des milliards de planètes. Astrologiquement, j’observe que Saturne est en Lion. Horairement, j’en déduis qu’il est environ 3h. Théologiquement, je vois que Dieu est tout-puissant et que nous sommes petits et insignifiants. Météorologiquement, je pense que nous aurons une belle journée demain. Et vous, Holmes ? ”
Sherlock Holmes resta silencieux une minute puis déclara : Watson vous êtes un imbécile, quelqu’un nous a volé la tente

 

[Nugie]

Q: How many cops does it take to push a suspect down the stairs?

A: None. He fell, I swear.

 

[STAR]

7 women?

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."

The priest is silent for a moment, then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp."

"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that fucking smirk off your face."

 

[joeblow]

Le bijou

Un homme arrive chez Cartier, Place Vendôme à Paris, en compagnie d'une jeune femme splendide, et ensemble, ils choisissent un bijou de $ 50 000. pour elle. Au moment de payer, l'homme sort son carnet de chèques et, sans sourciller, le rédige. Le vendeur, lui, est un peu ennuyé car c'est la première fois qu'il voit ce couple à la bijouterie. L'homme s'aperçoit du malaise du vendeur et, avec beaucoup d'aplomb, lui dit : - J'ai le sentiment que vous pensez que ce chèque est peut-etre sans provision, n'est-ce pas ?... - Heu... Eh! bien... - Bien ! Voici ce que nous allons faire : vu qu'aujourd'hui c'est samedi et que ma banque est fermée, je vous propose que vous gardiez ce chèque ainsi que le bijou. Dès lundi, procédez à son encaissement et lorsque le paiement sera honoré, faites livrer le bijou chez Mademoiselle. D'accord ?... Le vendeur, rassuré, donne son aval à cette solution sans l'ombre d'une hésitation, assurant meme, que la bijouterie prendrait à sa charge la livraison du bijou et qu'il s'assurerait en personne du bon déroulement de l'opération. Le lundi matin, à la présentation du chèque à la banque, celui-ci est bien évidemment en bois !!! En colère, le vendeur appelle le client qui lui répond : - Mais ce n'est pas grave ! Cela ne vous a rien couté et moi j'ai baisé tout le week-end !!!... Merci beaucoup pour votre collaboration et sans rancune !

 

[devries]

3 people were on a plane.

One said to the pilot, "I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?"

The pilot told him to throw it out the window.

The second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window.

The third one asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?"

The pilot told him to throw it out the window.

When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, "Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up."

 

[eastender]

Reverse Newfie Joke

A newfie on his first visit to Toronto takes a walk along Yonge St.

He walks into a bookstore loaded books with and is amazed.

He walks into a record store loaded with records and is amazed.

He walks into a sporting goods store loaded with equipment and is amazed.

This continues for a few blocks.

Then he walks into and empty store with two workmen.Puzzled he calls out,
"what do you sell in here?"

Recognizing the unique Newfie accent,one of the workmen replies "Assholes".

The Newfie pauses and replies "You must be doing real well - you only have two left".

 

[eastender]

Jogging

Ex President Clinton - a known jogger,had a route that took past the edge of the Red Light District.

One day,one of the ladies called out $50.00 as the ex president passed by
surrounded by his entourage of secret service agents.Within a few steps the ex president turned his head and called back $5.00

This developed into a friendly routine,broken only if one of the participants was absent.

One day,Hillary announced unexpectedly that she was joining her husband for his jog.Having no choice and not thinking clearly the ex president continued on with his regular route.

Approaching the edge of the Red Light district,the ex president realized the upcoming problem but it was too late - his only hope was silence.As he passed the the lady he shot her his best "Woman be quiet look" and for half a block he thought it had worked.Then he heard,clear as a bell,a familiar voice, "That's what you get for $5.00".