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Joke Thread

donbusch

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A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.


She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy,
bearded biker with tatoos all over his arms answers the door.


She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."


The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain
biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker
asks her "You have a bike?"


The little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there" and
points to a Harley parked in the driveway.


The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"


The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of
cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."


The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked
up by the Fuzz?"


The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the
fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
 

donbusch

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A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the
minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.


"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your
attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this
district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and
the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into
the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which
amounts to $400."


"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you
are?"


The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.
"I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
 

donbusch

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FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS

FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS


1. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.


2. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.


3. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.


4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.


5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


6. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


7. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.


8. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.


9. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?


10. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
 

donbusch

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New York City, San Francisco, Miami and Los Angeles bartenders were asked if they could nail a personality based on what you drink. The results:


WOMEN


Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.


Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more
years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.


Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.



MEN


Cheap Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.


Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.


Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.


Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.


White Zin: He's gay.
 

donbusch

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
 

donbusch

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In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked
her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He
suggested she try withdrawl, douches or condoms.


Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with
three children when she happened to run across her old doctor.
"I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the
young children.


"On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "Davey here was a pullout,
Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!"
 

donbusch

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Linguistics

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
 

donbusch

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Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.


Q: What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A: Christopher Reeves got the electric chair!.... and O.J walked!


Q: Why doesn't smokey the bear have any children?
A: Because whenever his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.


Q: What do you call a truck loaded with vibrators?
A: Toys for twats.


Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
A: Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.


Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant


Q. Why do Scotsmen screw sheep against the edge of a cliff?
A. They push back harder.


Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, men will screw anything.


Q: What is the difference between a human sperm and a lawyer?
A: The human sperm has a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.


Q: What's the the male definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.


Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!


Q: What's the difference between a blonde girl and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.


Q: Why did the Australians do so badly in the rugby world cup??
A: Too many sheepless nights!!
 

donbusch

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Marriage

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":

The Engagement Ring
The Wedding Ring
The Suffe-Ring
The Endu-Ring



Marriage is love. Love is blind.
Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.



It is true that love is blind,
but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.



A man inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted"
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."



Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.



Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition
doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.



It's true that all men are born free and equal,
but some of them get MARRIED!



They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.


That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that
the other 50% end in death!



Who would ever remarry an ex-wife?
It's like taking an old carton of milk out of the fridge,
taking a whiff, and saying, "Whooo! That's sour!
I think I'll put it back. Maybe it'll be better later."



First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."



Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.



"I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so that I
could have sex 3, 4, or 5 times a week."
"That's very ironic," said the second regular.
"That's exactly why I got divorced."



She was a great housekeeper, too.
When we divorced, she kept the house.



Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son; EVERYWHERE!



A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"
Dad replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."



Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late!



A Married man ALWAYS has the last word...
and it's usually "Yes, dear"



It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job,
he still ends up with the same boss.



A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband
a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him," asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."



When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.



A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over,
made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too
much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said,
"It really works!"



The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her
mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make
my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful..."
"Mom, I know how to screw him," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagne."



"Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue."
 

Racquelle

Sinful Sweetheart ;)
Great jokes!

Thought I'd throw one in too :)


A business man walks into a tattoo parlor, when approached inquisitively by the tattoo artist he says: "I would like you to tattoo 250 000$ on my penis"

- Why the heck would you want to do that? The artist replied.

The business man answers:

"Well,

- First off, I like to play with my money.

- Second, I like to see my money grow.

- And third, I'd like to see how long it takes my wife to blow 250 000$!!!"

:)
 

donbusch

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LOVE - LUST - MARRIAGE

LOVE When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
LOVE When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
LOVE When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
LOVE When you share everything you own.
LUST When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE When the bank owns everything.
LOVE When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE When ... uh ... what's a climax?
LOVE When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE When you phone each other to bitch about work.
LOVE When you write poems about your partner.
LUST When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE When all you write is checks.
LOVE When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors
all around.
MARRIAGE When your only concern is what's on TV.
 

donbusch

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A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball.
So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have
evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite
late.


The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the
wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she
preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay.


The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.


So the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the
couch watching TV.


She slowly moved towards hime and sat down very seductively. She then
told him to come closer. Then even closer.


She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...".


"Now take off my bra.


"Next remove my shoes and stockings."


"Now remove my garter belt and panties"


She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The
next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".
 

Doc Hollidayx

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"Why France won't bomb Saddam"

"You know why the french don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is french, people!"-------Conan O'Brien
 

donbusch

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An experienced economist and a not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They come across a pile of shit lying on the asphalt.
Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
The not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it so he does it and collects the money.
Continuing along the same road they almost step into yet another pile of shit.
Not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this pile of shit I'll give YOU $20,000."
After a brief calculation, the experienced economist eats the shit, getting the money.
They go on. The not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money that we started off with, but we both ate shit. I don't see us being better off."
Experienced economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've just been involved in $40,000 of trade."
 

JimB2you

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my contribution

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, do not resist, do not complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.
 

JimB2you

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The parable of the ant and the grasshopper

The parable of the ant and the grasshopper;

ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying in supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter,
so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying in supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference
and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm
and well-fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his
comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth,
this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper,
and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house,
where the news stations film the group singing,
"We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down
to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that
the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper,
and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant
to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper
Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,
his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in
a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before
a panel of Federal judges that Bill had appointed from a list
of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the
last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in,
which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumble around him
because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in drug-related incident
and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders
who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood
 

JimB2you

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third entry...who's up next to give Don a break

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the
course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of nonstop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

" Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
 

donbusch

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?


GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from decent, hard-working Americans.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act or rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the chicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Told you it's finger lickin' good!!!
 

donbusch

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Osama on the run

Osama Weekly Cave Memo:

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave.
We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster.. have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay?
That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. My Dear Friend, Saddam sent me a box of dates recently & I clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my dates were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SHAGS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Yussuf, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and George.

Love you lots & Group Hug,

Ossy
 
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