Joke Thread

[dubneerg]

another blond joke

Blonde enters a store that sell curtains.

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.

The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

The blonde replies "fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "but, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"

 

[FaceMaster]

Sex vs Religion

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

 

[Dr. Torpedo]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy.

 

[Dr. Torpedo]

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman.

 

[CoolAmadeus]

Qu'est ce qu'un Québécois?!

Sorry Guys, but this one is in French and related to Quebec...
------------------
La veille de sa nuit de noce, Un jeune péquiste écoute les dernières recommandations de son père :

Mon fils, quand tu vas entrer dans la chambre, tu prends ta femme dans tes bras, parce qu'un Québécois c'est FORT !

Ensuite, tu la jettes sur le lit, parce qu'un Québécois c'est FIER !

Puis tu te mets tout nu, parce qu'un Québécois c'est BEAU !

Le lendemain de la nuit de noce, son père lui demande comment ça c'est passé

:

J'ai fais comme tu m'as dit.

Je l'ai prise dans mes bras pour l'amener dans la chambre, parce qu'un Québécois c'est FORT !

Puis, je l'ai jetée sur le lit, parce qu'un Québécois c'est FIER !

Ensuite, je me suis mis tout nu, parce qu'un Québécois c'est BEAU !

Et puis ? Et puis, je me suis masturbé !!! Parce qu'un Québécois c'est INDÉPENDANT et AUTONOME.
------------
OK, I am Québécois, but not that dumb! LOL

CA

 

[metoo4]

It's the story of 4 buddies, 1 chinese, 1 white , 1 native and one black dude. They were walking around in a marina, after a party where they had a lot of beer.
Beer doing it's thing, they soon had an ugre to pee that could not wait.
The white guy said "Let's go to the end of the dock and pee in the water!" so, there they go.
They get Mr.Happy out and start peeing...

"Haaa! That feel good!!" said the chinese guy.

"Yea but the water is cold!" said the white guy.

"Cold and deep! said the native guy.

"Not that deep!" replied the black dude!

 

[metoo4]

Why is it that blonds never breastfeed their babies?

Boiling their nipples hurt too much...

 

[metoo4]

The guy is driving around downtown and he spot a beautiful sw. She looks so hot that he can't resist!
He drive to her and, after settling the technicalities, he takes her to a quiet place and they get ready for action.
Before they start the deed, being honest, the guy warn the girl that he likes to do it "his way" and that she can stop him if she doesn't like it.
The girl doesn't ask more question, agrees and start the work.
After the guy is done, the girl is a bit puzzled: there was nothing special about the session so, she ask him what was supposed to be different? He said that "his way" started after the main event so, she asked what will it be?
The guy replied "Uh... Well... Credit..."

Morality: Ladies, always ask payment first!

 

[Avery]

Types you meet in the Men's Room

1) Excitable - Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable - Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid - Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5) Indifferent - All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever - No hands, fixes tie, looks around, pisses on floor.
7) Worried - Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection before pissing.
8) Frivolous - Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish - Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient - Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough - Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15) Efficient - Waits until he has to crap and does both at once.
16) Fat - Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little - Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled - Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited - Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.
21) Radical - Ignores urinal, pisses on wall.

 

[CoolAmadeus]

Sex In The Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

 

[Doc Holliday]

Great one!

This joke reminded me of my ex-wife, when she once mentionned to me that she was late and feared being pregnant. I told her "either you screwed around on me, it's all in your head, or that damn dildo that you've been playing with all these nights must contain sperm!"

 

[Doc Holliday]

Bush joke

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He then goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him: ``You`re on my list, but i presently don`t have any room for you,`` says the devil. ``But you definitely have to stay here, so i`ll tell you what i`m going to do. I`ve got three persons here who weren`t quite as bad as you. I`ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I`ll even let you decide who gets to leave.``

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed to the suggestion. The devil then opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and resurfacing empty-handed over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. ``No!``, said Bush. ``I don`t think so. I`m not a good swimmer and i don`t think i could do that all day long.``

The devil then led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair, holding a sledgehammer in a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. ``No! I`ve got this shoulder problem and i`d be in constant agony if i`d have to break rocks all day long!``, lamented Bush.

So, the devil opened the third door, and it this room was none other than Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best (). Bush stared at this scene in disbelief and finally said: ``Yeah, i can handle this. I`m picking this one.``

Upon hearing this, the devil smiled and said:

``Ok, Monica. You`re free to go!``

 

[metoo4]

It's a rich guy who is walking on the street.
He sees a good looking chick coming towards him and can't do anything but notice that she is the most beautifull girl he ever saw.
The closer she gets, the more attractive she looks.
He then notice that her nipples are pointing out tru her top.
Seeing that, he gets so excited that he feel an urge to nibble on these nipples.
He stops the girl and ask her if he could do so, providing he would pay her $100
The guyl look at him, refuse and keep walking.
He look at her going and he figure, let's ask again.
This time, he offer her $1000.
She hesitate a bit but still refuse.
Just as she is leaving, the guy figures "What the hell, it's only money and she's worth it.
So, he calls her back and offer her $10000!
The girl is caught by surprise and doesn't know what to do but finally, she agrees.
They find a quiet spot and the girl takes her top and bra off.
The guy starts to caress the girl's breast, kissing, squeezing and licking.
The girl ask him "Didn't you want to nibble on my nipples?
The guy reply "Yhea but, thinking about it, it's too expensive so I'll pass..."

 

[Flyguy]

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

 

[danleo]

Re: One Liners...

Originally posted by ElfGoneBad

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

You need more conviction :

I intend to live forever - or die trying.

 

[Tom]

Be careful out there!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local bars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' and the women administering it . . . . there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.



I think I need to play more golf........
Regards,
Tom

PS No underlying meaning here, either way I blame it on the beer......

 

[donnyb]

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his

mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he

mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"


Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to

wash your hands and feet."



He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"



She pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand

and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them!"



Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,



"That was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?"

 

[MG_mtl]

This one is for EagerBeaver...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[metoo4]

A guy walks into a bar and orders up 25 shots of tequila.
The bartender says "25 shots!?! Whats the special occasion?"
The guy replied "Today I had my first blowjob"
Bartender says " Wow man, thats great! Here, here's a shot on the house..."
The guy is quick to reply " Listen buddy, if 25 shots isn't gonna wash this taste outta my mouth, i do NOT think a 26th will help!"

 

[metoo4]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Billy Bob, were walking through the grassy fields of Arkansas. Suddenly, Bubba stops when he sees a sheep with its head jammed in a barbed wire fence.
"Hoo-yah!" cries Bubba, "Now ain't she purty?"
He quickly hurries over to the sheep, drops his pants and hastily has his way with the sheep.
When he is finished, he pulls up his pants and steps back and says to Billy Bob, "Ok, it's your turn now."
Billy Bob pulls down his pants, walks over to the sheep, and jams his head into the barbed wire fence.