Update on my situation. Things went from bad, to better, to worse and to hopeless.
I saw escort #2 three times in total and we kept contact afterwards. We talked a lot, I was doing better. Then I did something stupid. I looked at the pictures from escort #1 and I was all the way back to square 1. I couldn't take it, so I texted her asking where she was going to be next (this) week. She tells me she'll be in town until Christmas. So being the dope I am, I booked her for two hours on her first working day 4 days later. In the meantime, I figured I'd go see someone else, try to detach myself. The meeting was really bad and I felt horrible, so I went back to looking at pictures of #1. I tried porn, but that doesn't intererst me anymore.
So yesterday was my meeting with #1. Great entry, she acts as if I'm her boyfriend she hasn't seen in one month. I start by DATY, which I never do with escorts, but then again, never booked one for two hours and I was never in love with one before. After a while we move on to even more exciting things and eventually she asks doggy. After a while things are really hot, I'm really thirsty, so I pull out to have a drink... and I notice the condom is completely broken. As in, I might as well not be wearing one. So that broke the mood, she starts stressing out, asks me a few times if I have something which I don't. Fortunately, I happen to have had a complete test this summer and the results were on my phone, so I show her. Twice. And then we start talking. And I tell her I love her, I know I shouldn't, but I do. And I talk about our last meeting, about the month she hasn't been around, she talks about her, I talk about me, she tells me she wants out of the biz, that she likes and doesn't like her job, but that life is difficult (don't forget she's from the eastern block), I mention I'm at crossroads, the troubles with my wife, that she doesn't want kids, that we barely ever have sex, she tells she sees herself with a husband, a kid and a house in a few years. A few times during our conversation I can see she's being overtaken by emotion, that she's trying to keep her cool. By then, my brain has almost been completely kicked out of the door and I basically propose her a relationship. As in, 'I might be moving to Switzerland, would you come with me?' Eventually we move back to doing sexy things, I finish and we talk some more. She tells me to give her my e-mail, to come back soon (which I can't because I'm back in Mtl tomorrow), she doesn't want me to go, but she has this other client (which is true, I even know the guy). And then she tells me something that sounds a dim alarm in my head. She's 18. As in, really, no lies. I assumed the profile age was a lie as it generally is. As a reminder, I just turned 40 this year. Getting out is difficult, but alas reality awaits. Or does it?
So we exchange a few more sms. She tells me this work is really hard for her. She'll tell me more later which she does during the night (she's not into trouble). This morning I send her a long mansplaining message about life, choices, not to overdo this job as this could lead to problems. She tells me not to worry, that she is strong and perhaps she'll meet someone that loves her like I do. I tell that she'll meet tons, all she has to do is pick the right one that she loves and would be good to her and that I envy that lucky person. She then tells me I can't be envious of myself. This gives me an instant erection. We've been chatting ever since. She sends me pictures, she asks for one, etc.
I feel like I'm foolish 20-year old boy. I sure am acting like one. But I can't help it. Apparently Asians consider that the "being in love" phase is a mental sickness to be overcome before marriage. I can't blame them, but wouldn't it be nice to be sick this way all the time?
Now I don't even want to go to Montreal. I just want to go spend time with this young flower, I dream of having kids with her and blissfully try to ignore three tiny little annoying facts:
1. I am still in a relationship which should be broken if it deserves breaking, but not broken on a whim because I met an escort girl 22 years younger than I.
2. She's 18. It's sexy in porn, nice with an escort, but aside from the unavoidable mentality difference that comes with significant age differences, which I might be able to handle (René was able with Céline. So's the Donald with his wife, although not sure what that means considering his mental age), at 18, we're not complete adult yets. It's the following years that define you. Most people change a lot in those years. I could enjoy whatever happens, but if I leave my wife to have kids, I can't just be having fun with young girls. I need to find the spouse that will bear me kids. And fast.
3. She could be conning me. Yes, I did watch 'My thai bride'. No, I don't want to be that sucker. Yes, a lot of escorts would jump at the opportunity of conning an older man having his midlife crisis. But also, escorts ending up with clients for love reasons is not unheard of. The way I read things, she seems sincere. I think being young, she just could be having a crush on this young looking and still not bad looking older dude who is covering her of compliments. Plus she might go for the father figure. Escort #2 (who is begging me NOT to fall for it, that she routinely tells clients who are in love with her that she loves them) tells me 40 yo is the perfect age for a man. So you know, is the dream true or just an illusion? I have no intent on dishing out more money than I would simply hiring her services, not until I can be sure.
All my adult life I've made wise and respectable decisions, followed my head and ignored my heart. Twenty years later, it has earned me a career, a good financial position, great physical and emotional health and endurance. Everything my head wanted. But what of my heart's desires? They haven't come true, whatever they were, and I have steadily grown unhappier. So what if, for once in my whole adult life, I did something my brain says it stupid but which my heart says is genius? Would that be so bad? Aren't I allowed to do ONE thing my family, friends and society will all judge to be foolish? I have a saying: "if what you're doing isn't working, try something else".
