I am about to embark on one of my hardest threads ever. You see once I took the step to see that first SP, breaking my marriage vows, I crossed a line that I knew there would be no return. I cannot begin to describe how nervous, anxious and terrified I was on my first SP encounter or the shame and guilt that consumed me in the hours and days that followed.
I was angry at my wife for ignoring my needs, but most of all angry at myself for not sticking to my principles that were instilled in me by my mother and father, the two most beautiful people in the world. All my life I loathed cheaters and here I was transforming into one of them. I have rationalized that seeing an SP is different than getting involved in an extra-marital affair, and while I still believe this, I know that I will have to carry a weight on my heart till the day I die.
I keep asking myself why. Why did I do this? What did I gain? How am I going to be a better person from it? Why am I scared to confront some difficult realities in my relationship? Why do nice guys cheat? WHY DO NICE GUYS CHEAT?
There are no easy answers to my questions. Life rarely goes the way you think it should. At times, I feel like I am observing my life and not living it. I feel that I am slowly losing control of certain aspects and that fate has brought me here to discover something about myself. In a twist of irony, I am enjoying my encounters because I am also discoverig a lot about myself - my weaknesses for beautiful women, my strengths, my hypocrisy, my joy and sadness. In short, I am rediscovering my soul: the good , the bad and the ugly.
I am starting to realize that this hobby can suck you up and twist you up like nothing you've ever experienced before. It's like a never ending vortex that keeps spinning your emotions. Even the strongest minds are no match for this hobby.
For those of you who are thinking of taking the plunge, a word of advice: once you're in, it's extremely difficult to get out. I think I can eventually let go of this hobby, or at least I pray I can. But I now realize that my life has irrevocably changed...I just hope it's for the better.