Ask us anything part 3

[Lunaseraphim]

Why might a SP side-step an up-front conversation about boundaries/wants/willings?
---And how could I follow-up so as have to have greater clarity (without being pushy)?

I like clear, direct communication b/c there’s a wide spectrum of activities I like and I’m asking to find out:
*what they’re genuinely into (i.e. Giving & Allowing (for them)),
*what they’re happily willing to do (i.e. taking & receiving (for me)), and
*what their objective-boundaries are.
And thinking out loud here...
I get that there’s a lot of nuance and subjectivity to most of sex and I happily engage in (hot) ongoing check-in’s (like “How light, how hard, how long, etc.,”), but that sometimes follows knowing whether they’re even objectively interested in going into that general area.
I’ve gotten different responses like “You’ll know.” and “I’ll tell you.” and I’ve tried following up by sharing & asking them about specific activities that I’m into. This issue is also why I favor regular-tionships. A lot of this takes time and space to work through.
(The first genuine “negotiation” I had was with the Montreal Unicorn Healers, but this isn’t just about kink. It’s about the vanilla-variations as well.)
I can think of a few reasons why they might want not to have that conversation (e.g. vibe-management, shyness, awkwardness, inexperience, personal preference, flow-preference (i.e. "those conversations take one out of the moment/focus”), etc.,). I wonder if you all could share other motivations that might be playing out?

I like direct and clear communication during the booking process as well but really often when clients ask too many questions that feel unnecessary it feels like they are wasting our time and trying to sext for free.

Personally I feel like if you know what services a SP provides, it's unnecessary to ask these types of questions unless we're talking about kink.. and even then I feel like it's better to discuss these details in person at the beginning of the booking.

This is just me but I don't like being asked questions like "what is a booking with you like" because I prefer if the client sees for himself.. having a very long discussion about the booking often makes me feel like the client will be finicky .. more questions and more comments just feel like an excuse to keep talking to me. And in my experience when I set a boundary with a client like this they get mad and cancel.

I prefer if a client is clear about his expectations. If it doesn't match what I'm comfortable offering, I will let him know. When I've made exceptions for clients like crossing a personal boundary or offering a service I no longer offer I've almost always regretted it.. it's often been a bad experience. Same thing when I follow through with a client who asked too many questions and seemed skeptical or pushy ...

 

[Darcy]

Clients : why would anyone think it's a good idea to tell a SP, "I just had a booking with xyz so I'll take your cheapest service that you don't offer anymore because I can't afford your full GFE rate"?

That's what the "end call" button on our cell phones are for. lol Some people just don't have a whole lot of tact.

 

[Johnny test]

Its not that I don't trust my regulars overall, I just don't trust them to understand these types of dynamics well enough. When I entered this industry I had a lot of clients who assumed I was a sub because I was still shy and intimidated, and the way they approached it was really not consensual and their lack of knowledge showed.

It's the same thing with some people I've been in relationships with in the past who would try to dominate me without my consent or who wanted to try BDSM but had no idea what they were doing. A lot of men call themselves dominants which is fine but they don't do enough research and work on themselves to provide a pleasant experience. Also even if someone is a regular client, he's still not someone I'm close to or at least not necessarily. Anything could happen like Rebaynia said..

I don't want to argue semantics (well a bit ) but yes, it is an issue of trust. I completely understand that point since the level of danger you face is much higher than ours.

 

[Johnny test]

Montreal Unicorn Healers

We need another agency like Unicorn in Montreal, best experiences i had were at Unicorn

 

[Johnny test]

I like direct and clear communication during the booking process as well but really often when clients ask too many questions that feel unnecessary it feels like they are wasting our time and trying to sext for free.

Personally I feel like if you know what services a SP provides, it's unnecessary to ask these types of questions unless we're talking about kink.. and even then I feel like it's better to discuss these details in person at the beginning of the booking.

This is just me but I don't like being asked questions like "what is a booking with you like" because I prefer if the client sees for himself.. having a very long discussion about the booking often makes me feel like the client will be finicky .. more questions and more comments just feel like an excuse to keep talking to me. And in my experience when I set a boundary with a client like this they get mad and cancel.

I prefer if a client is clear about his expectations. If it doesn't match what I'm comfortable offering, I will let him know. When I've made exceptions for clients like crossing a personal boundary or offering a service I no longer offer I've almost always regretted it.. it's often been a bad experience. Same thing when I follow through with a client who asked too many questions and seemed skeptical or pushy ...

Usually first date(s) (for me) is/are very vanilla cause it helps building trust and know each other.
If i'm looking for something a bit different and i usually am, i will be opening a discussion at the end of a date probably.
I do enjoy direct communication, usually through bluesky before a date to exchange ideas, general directions (i don't like detailed scenarios, they usually never work outside of my head) and set everyone's expectations.

For many reasons I tend to follow that sequence as much as i can.

 

[Rebaynia]

I don't want to argue semantics (well a bit ) but yes, it is an issue of trust. I completely understand that point since the level of danger you face is much higher than ours.

Women have been killed doing this job, and to some, that isn't even the worst case senario, though it is an ultimate fear, as what you can live threw, you will carry with you for the rest of your life.

Yes it is a really stupid thing, and a calculated risk for those who do it, to let your guard down entirely and trust a client with your body and life because you allow yourself to be put in a position you can't protect yourself from.

Trust of that sort should never be freely given to someone you aren't 100% sure of, and I can't trust someone I spend an hour once in a while with. It only takes 1 time for things to fuck you up for the rest of your life.

 

[Lunaseraphim]

Usually first date(s) (for me) is/are very vanilla cause it helps building trust and know each other.
If i'm looking for something a bit different and i usually am, i will be opening a discussion at the end of a date probably.
I do enjoy direct communication, usually through bluesky before a date to exchange ideas, general directions (i don't like detailed scenarios, they usually never work outside of my head) and set everyone's expectations.

For many reasons I tend to follow that sequence as much as i can.

I think it's a good idea to have a first date to test the waters. It's really hard to figure out what kind of dynamic you'll have with someone over text or DMs before meeting them. Sometimes I'll be more open to a certain idea when I understand what kind of bond I develop with a client sometimes certain things are out of question.

 

[Lunaseraphim]

That's what the "end call" button on our cell phones are for. lol Some people just don't have a whole lot of tact.

When I told this gentleman I'd make an exception for him but asked him to avoid messaging me until he has a specific date and time. (He was sending me my own photos and making outfit requests for a 45 min booking..) He got really mad at me and called me pretentious. This is a really good example of everything I mentioned above.

 

[LC18]

Question for men: When you say you’re looking for a girl who’s natural. Does that include lip injections?

Thanks for answering that question. I guess it’s just like makeup, men don’t always notice that women are wearing makeup because they do a “no makeup-makeup” look

When someone asks for a natural woman I tend to not refer my colleagues that have lip injections

I think for me natural is linked to how easy it would be to reverse that enhancement


Yet another subjective thing

 

[Johnny test]

Women have been killed doing this job, and to some, that isn't even the worst case senario, though it is an ultimate fear, as what you can live threw, you will carry with you for the rest of your life.

Yes it is a really stupid thing, and a calculated risk for those who do it, to let your guard down entirely and trust a client with your body and life because you allow yourself to be put in a position you can't protect yourself from.

Trust of that sort should never be freely given to someone you aren't 100% sure of, and I can't trust someone I spend an hour once in a while with. It only takes 1 time for things to fuck you up for the rest of your life.

As i said i don't want to argue (too much ) about this and i completely get the dangerous aspect of what you do.
On the other hand i really disagree about your choice of words "it is a really stupid thing", i know several ladies with which we had sessions where they were restrained and i wouldn't qualify their attitude and trust in me as stupid.

 

[LookAlike]

But it is often so subtle that it's not noticeable so I think it's a fair question ! (And the product used is already naturally in the lips so it's technically natural, just not born that way haha. Being pedantic)

I agree with you. But at least (to not say most of the time), many young SP exaggerate and the final result looks like duck lips. Turn off for me.

 

[Lunaseraphim]

As i said i don't want to argue (too much ) about this and i completely get the dangerous aspect of what you do.
On the other hand i really disagree about your choice of words "it is a really stupid thing", i know several ladies with which we had sessions where they were restrained and i wouldn't qualify their attitude and trust in me as stupid.

I think it's good that you're acknowledging that clients and providers do not face the same risks and consequences because very often people here refuse to see that and it can be very frustrating.

Good for you if you had sessions like these that were pleasant for both parties but Rebaynia knows a lot about these dynamics enough to understand that she doesn't want to be in that predicament with a client.. and for me it's the same thing there's a good chance I would refuse unless there was a really good chemistry and trust between the client and I.. and personally I think adding that type of kink to a booking should mean extra compensation...

 

[Lunaseraphim]

I agree with you. But at least (to not say most of the time), many young SP exaggerate and the final result looks like duck lips. Turn off for me.

Lip fillers aren't meant for very young women unless they want to enhance very thin lips.. the goal is to restore volume that's been lost with age for women over 30, or to give a more youthful look to add a bit of plumpness to the lips.

Some people definitely go overboard and there was a moment a year ago when my lips were a bit overfilled and I had to be careful not to have this type of result.. but overall I'd say ppl don't usually notice or comment. Some clinics take advantage of their patients by offering cheap filler and they don't know how to inject, they also do whatever their clients ask them and don't care about the results..

If fillers are well done they aren't supposed to be noticeable. Most celebrities and influencers have them and you wouldn't even be able to tell. That being said i think it's not really productive to judge women on their aesthetic choices neither it is to encourage such modifications specially for very young ppl

 

[Rebaynia]

As i said i don't want to argue (too much ) about this and i completely get the dangerous aspect of what you do.
On the other hand i really disagree about your choice of words "it is a really stupid thing", i know several ladies with which we had sessions where they were restrained and i wouldn't qualify their attitude and trust in me as stupid.

Fair enough. And I'm not calling them stupid. Like I said it is a risk assessment thing. And I also have agreed to things in the past I would never repeat with someone I am not committed to, or isn't committed to me.
I also know of professional subs, and have heard of the horror stories some have been subjected to for it.
The term is only used as a reference from someone who knows how bad things can become, from even people you trust, not even as a client aspect, and know that there are people who also don't get the option to turn things like this down too. It is a term used as how I see it for myself. Not a term I would use to describe their acceptance to do it.

Yes I am very distrusting of people I don't actually know, and do not believe in an hour here and there someone can show me I can trust them enough for this, but that's me. I have trusted too much in the past, not SWer related, and was taught the only person I can ever truly trust is myself and what I put into the world. If I have been taught not to trust a relationship for this, why would I trust a stranger I see sometimes for it?
My relationship now has been trying to open my ability to trust others, which how I screen, and the lovlies I have the pleasure of enjoying time with has been good at backing up his efforts. But I also am still on guard because I know the visits I have are not representative of most clients. Thankfully my sweeties aren't looking to test my trust in them. I trust them for what I need, I don't need to put unwavering, or unconditional trust into them. I trust I will enjoy my time with them, while I maintain my ability to stop anything if it goes too far.

 

[ChloeCoeur]

For clients:

Imagine you have a 2hr session with an SP. You come within the first 15 minutes and then fall fast asleep cuddling.... How long would you want to be left asleep before being woken up?

 

[Craic.n.banter]

For starters, it seems like your questions might also play along the line of questioning, that we can picture the person on the other end looking to just jack off to the mental image of the visit he is trying to plan, and question if it is a timewaister just looking to get off on this comunication, or does this person actually have intentions to book an appointment.

That's the first thought.

Second is, visits entirely planned out before we even meet in person, is trying to fulfill a pre-established expectation to live up to, rather than to just expierience the moment. We don't want to fill a role.

There is a matter of fact ways to discuss these things, but many providers find all these questions too time-consuming, for what might likely lead to no visit. It's 1 thing if the providers seen you before, and knows you are serious in your questions for followup appointments. But for a first timer... There are a lot of people who will reach out ask many questions and never follow threw, you might be redflagging yourself before the initial visit ever happens.

We don't want to lay every one of our cards on the table. People who ask us so much about our boundaries, is often looking to push them. It raises distrust right away when what someone wants to know is the no's, rather than asking for what the yes's are.

Thanks so much. (Your past experiences would have never occurred to me.) Your thoughts are super helpful!

 

[Craic.n.banter]

I like direct and clear communication during the booking process as well but really often when clients ask too many questions that feel unnecessary it feels like they are wasting our time and trying to sext for free.

Personally I feel like if you know what services a SP provides, it's unnecessary to ask these types of questions unless we're talking about kink.. and even then I feel like it's better to discuss these details in person at the beginning of the booking.

This is just me but I don't like being asked questions like "what is a booking with you like" because I prefer if the client sees for himself.. having a very long discussion about the booking often makes me feel like the client will be finicky .. more questions and more comments just feel like an excuse to keep talking to me. And in my experience when I set a boundary with a client like this they get mad and cancel.

I prefer if a client is clear about his expectations. If it doesn't match what I'm comfortable offering, I will let him know. When I've made exceptions for clients like crossing a personal boundary or offering a service I no longer offer I've almost always regretted it.. it's often been a bad experience. Same thing when I follow through with a client who asked too many questions and seemed skeptical or pushy ...

Good to know. I don’t have a lot of experience booking independently (noob here) and so far I was only thinking about my experience with in-person conversations.
(with the Montreal Unicorn Healers as well, the initial exchange of checklists was just setting the stage for the following in-person conversation.)
In any case, what you say really reinforces my trust and fondness for repeat visits. In any relationship, for me, kink typically happens later after several dates. And with return-/repeat-bookings everything vanilla gets so much more intimate as two people learn about each other’s bodies, hearts and minds

 

[twenty4seven]

For clients:

Imagine you have a 2hr session with an SP. You come within the first 15 minutes and then fall fast asleep cuddling.... How long would you want to be left asleep before being woken up?

Tough one bc he's clearly all tuckered out but I guess standard nap time (15-20 min) seems like a reasonable time to then gently rouse him. If he wants to keep sleeping after that, it's a conscious choice to spend the rest of the session like that.

 

[Sean007]

For clients:

Imagine you have a 2hr session with an SP. You come within the first 15 minutes and then fall fast asleep cuddling.... How long would you want to be left asleep before being woken up?

I would also say 15 minutes ish would be enough and then he can décide how the end of the date will go, still sleepimg or moré actively cuddling ;-)

 

[S.S neo]

For clients:

Imagine you have a 2hr session with an SP. You come within the first 15 minutes and then fall fast asleep cuddling.... How long would you want to be left asleep before being woken up?

Until spring preferably