Joke Thread

[paulo]

Catholic Girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Sandra, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."


All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass into it."

 

[rollingstone]

This letter from a teacher to a student's parents is old but pretty damn funny. Enjoy.

http://www.break.com/pictures/oct26gallerymain2.html

 

[shaumaman]

moose hunting...

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They

bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the

pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot

let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load

and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[danleo]

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_e^iπ+1=0_) a smarter ass

 

[sinbad]

Oliver,

The "assicons" are brilliant. They've gotta become a common feature of emails

sinbad

 

[docprostate]

Perverted Mind

Mr. Oliver, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, then said , "Mr. Oliver, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Oliver called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Oliver.

"Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

 

[paulo]

The boss was in a quandary. He had to downsize somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people:

Renee or Jack.

It was an impossible decision. They were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one to use the water cooler the next morning.

Renee came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Renee, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit."

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

Effects of Dope on Spiders

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgMdDhb-ci8

 

[Doc Holliday]

Super Sex??

Hooker walks up to the old man and says "Hey old man, you want some super sex?"

Old man replies "Thanks, i'll have the soup."

 

[Techman]

A man escapes from prison were he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house looking for some money and weapons; instead he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there the husband tells his wife, "Listen honey, this guy's an escaped convict. Look at his clothes. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... just do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong honey, I love you." His wife said, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear that he's gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too."

 

[Rex Kramer]

His wife said, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear that he's gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too."

It is probably an easier task for the husband this way..... he wouldn't have to deal with a 15-year itch..... LMAO...

 

[Just Alex]

You know you're an Anglophone Montrealer when ....

Price Club is Club Price

You pronounce it "Muntreal", not "Mahntreal".

You have ever said anything like "I have to stop at the guichet before we get to
the dep."

Your only concern about jaywalking is getting a ticket.

You understand and frequently use terms like 'unilingual,' 'anglophone,'
'francophone,' and 'allophone.'

You agree that Montreal drivers are crazy, but you're secretly proud of their
nerves of steel.

The most exciting thing about the South Shore is that you can turn right on a
red.

You know that the West Island is not a separate geographical formation.

In moments of paranoia, you think that there's no red line on the Metro because
red is a federalist colour.

You have to bring smoked meat from Schwartz's and bagels from St-Viateur if
you're visiting anyone west of Cornwall.

You refer to Tremblant as "up North."

You know how to pronounce Pie IX.

You have an ancient auntie who still says "Saint Dennis."

You believe to the depth of your very being that Toronto has no soul
- but your high school reunion is held in Toronto because most of your
classmates live there now.

You greet everyone, from lifelong bosom friends to some one you met once a few
years ago, with a two-cheek kiss.

You know at least one person who works for the CBC, and at least one
other person who used to work for Nortel.

You're not impressed with hardwood floors.

You've been hearing Celine Dion jokes longer than anyone else.

You can watch soft-core porn on broadcast TV, and this has been true for at
least 25 years.

You cringe when Bob Cole pronounces French hockey player names.

You get Bowser & Blue.

You were drinking cafe-au-lait before it was latte.

You order fries 'with sauce', not 'with gravy'.

Shopper's Drug Mart is Pharmaprix and Staples is Bureau en Gros, and PFK is
finger lickin' good.

You really believe Just For Laughs is an international festival.

For two weeks a year, you are a jazz afficianado.

You need to be reminded by prominent signage that you should wait for the green
light.

Everyone on the street - drivers, pedestrians, and cyclists - think they're
immortal, and that you'll move first.

You're proud that Montreal is the home of Pierre Trudeau, Mordechai Richler,
William Shatner, Leonard Cohen and the Great Antonio...and, you consider Donald
Sutherland (and by default, Keifer), Guy Lafleur, Charlie Biddle, and Roch
Carrier Montrealers, too.

You know that Rocket Richard had nothing to do with astrophysics.

You know the apocryphal story of the fat lady at Eaton's.

You miss apostrophes.

You've seen Brother Andre's heart.

No matter how bilingual you are, you still don't understand "ile aux tourtes."

You know the difference between the SQ, the SAQ, and the SAAQ.

You measure temperature and distance in metric, but weight and height in
Imperial measure.

You show up at a party at 11 p.m. and no one else is there yet.

April Wine once played your high school (alternatively, Sass Jordon or Gowan).

You know that Montreal is responsible for introducing the following to North
America: bagels, souvlaki, smoked meat and Supertramp. Also, Chris de Burgh.

You don't drink pop or soda, you drink soft drinks.

You have graduated from high school and have a degree, but you've never Been in
grade 12.

The margarine in your fridge is the same colour as lard.

Every once in a while, you wonder whatever happened to Luba.

You never thought that Corey Hart was cool, but you know someone whose cousin or
something dated him.

There has to be at least 30 cm of snow on the ground in less than 24
hours for you to consider it too snowy to drive.

You remember where you were during the Ice Storm.

You used to be an Expos fan, but now all you really miss is Youppi.

You're a Habs fan; always was, always will be...

You know that your city's reputation for beautiful women is based on
centuries-old couplings between French soldiers and royally-commissioned whores
(aka Les Filles du Roi).

You don't understand anyone from Lac-St-Jean, but you can fake the accent.

You've been to the Tam Tams, and know they have nothing to do with wee Scottish
hats.

You discuss potholes like most people discuss weather.

You encounter bilingual homeless people.

While watching an American made-for-TV movie, you realize that "Vienna" is
actually Old Montreal, that "New York" is actually downtown and that the "The
Futuristic City" is actually Habitat '67.

You find it amusing when people from outside Quebec compliment you on how good
your English is.

You have yet to understand a single announcement made on the Metro PA system, no
matter what the language.

You think of Old Montreal as nothing but a bunch of over-priced restaurants, old
buildings and badly paved streets.

You understand that La Fete Nationale is not a celebration of "Quebec's
birthday".

You don't find American comedians speaking "gibberish" French even remotely
funny.

You don't find it weird that there's a strip club on every corner downtown.

You like your pizza all-dressed

 

[Just Alex]

You're Canadian when...

You understand the phrase, "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine."

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

You drink "soft drinks", not "soda".

You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.

You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

You apologize to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and many more are Canadians, but Americans forget to apologize for George Bush, Britney Spears, and Paris Hilton.

You know that the C.E.O of American Airlines is a Canadian!

You know what a tuque is.

You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee".

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan."

You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."

You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary and more polite than, "Huh?"

Winter. Whenever you want it. And then some.

There's German food, Italian food, Chinese food, Armenian food, American food, but NO Canadian food.


Contests run by anyone other than the government have "skill-testing questions" that winners must answer correctly before they can claim a prize.

Everything is labeled in English and French.

Milk comes in plastic bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

Mountain Dew has no caffeine.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Canada.

 

[shaumaman]

Crab Bait

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted!

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."