Joke Thread
- Thread starter donbusch
- Start date
Ok, leave this post die, just thinking of it... I'm fainting again... No need to watch again...
And some tought my "Dirty Lady" was bad!!
And some tought my "Dirty Lady" was bad!!
If you are ever having one of THOSE days and are feeling a little stupid, just dig this up and read it again - you'll begin to think you're a genius .
BRAIN CRAMPS
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
--Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"
--Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record"
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
BRAIN CRAMPS
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
--Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"
--Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record"
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
A Catholic priest and a Hawaiian king are standing at the lip of a volcano. The Hawaiians are throwing virgins in as part of a ceremony. The Catholic priest is horrified and asks the king, “Why are you throwing virgins into the volcano?” The king looks back at him with equal horror and says, “Well, you don’t think we’d throw in the sluts, do you?”
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him daily.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me a favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend for years........of course, I'll tell you."
And shortly after, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That's great, but what's the bad news?"
"Ahhh -- Sam, you're pitching next Tuesday."
It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him daily.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me a favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend for years........of course, I'll tell you."
And shortly after, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That's great, but what's the bad news?"
"Ahhh -- Sam, you're pitching next Tuesday."
Priceless!
Tickets to the game : $80
First beer with your Dad at the game: $6.50
Seeing your first set up close : PRICELESS !
http://pics.rategateway.net/038533.jpg
Tickets to the game : $80
First beer with your Dad at the game: $6.50
Seeing your first set up close : PRICELESS !
http://pics.rategateway.net/038533.jpg
Four women were driving across the country...
Each one was from a Different place.. Boise Idaho, Hastings Nebraska, Hazleton Pennsylvania, and Mexico City Mexico.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Boise Idaho started pulling Potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Hastings Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Pensylvania.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Hazleton Pennsylvania opened the car door and pushed the Mexican out.
Each one was from a Different place.. Boise Idaho, Hastings Nebraska, Hazleton Pennsylvania, and Mexico City Mexico.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Boise Idaho started pulling Potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Hastings Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Pensylvania.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Hazleton Pennsylvania opened the car door and pushed the Mexican out.
Conan O'Brien Hates my Homeland!
Awhile ago, Conan did a bit where he showed fake Euro coins. One of those coins made fun of the Ukraine, which provoked a lot of angry letters. Actually, All the letters sent were from the Ukraine. Conan had no idea that Late Night was aired in the Ukraine, and began to wonder where else he was on.
There is just one way to find out, and that is to viciously insult every nation in the world, and see which ones he gets letters from.
Here is the complete list:
Afghanistan
The bad news is, there's a new article about everyone farming opium.
The good news is, you can't read.
Albania
The perfect getaway for people who love Kosovo, but hate the working phone service.
Algeria
It took you eight years to beat France.
Andorra
How does it feel, being Luxembourg's bitch?
Angola
Hey, call me when your life expectancy catches up with your inflation rate.
Azerbaijan
Believe it or not, you can use oil for more than just killing seals.
The Bahamas
It takes a lot of rum to forget your major export is crawfish.
Bahrain
A thriving centre of trade and culture... until 2000 BC!
Bangladesh
If you can hear this, your television isn't underwater. Congratulations!
Barbados
There simply isn't a more beautiful island... to sail by on your way to Jamaica.
Belarus
Clay, sand, and chalk: Your richest natural resources are what a toddler throws up after a big day at preschool.
Belgium
The only European country to never successfully invade Belgium.
Belize
Get your camera; they're paving a road!
Benin
Keep practicing those voodoo spells and maybe someday you'll be as rich as Rwanda.
Bhutan
So they took away your freedom of the press? Who needs it when your only headline is "Bhutan Continues to Suck?"
Bolivia
Remember kids, you must be at least nine years old to overthrow the goverment.
Bosnia & Herzegovina
Nothing spells a bright future like signing your peace accord in Dayton, Ohio.
Botswana
Diamonds are forever; too bad your people check out at 35.
Brazil
Home to more than 800 species of unregulated breast implants.
Brunei
If there was ever an argument for the death penalty, it's chicken smuggling.
Bulgaria
So what if you misplaced a little weapons-grade uranium? The important thing is keeping track of all those hand-made doileys and goat hair rugs.
Burkina Faso
In the traditional tribal language, that's Burkina for "land of" and Faso for "people who want to get the hell out of Burkina Faso."
Burma
The bad news is, you've got rampant malaria. The good news is, it doesn't stop the kids from making those shirts.
Burundi
All that coffee in a country with no reason to wake up.
Cambodia
How many temples does it take before you guys realize God isn't listening?
Cameroon
Not to be mistaken with the macaroon, a small, chewy cookie... with a longer life expectancy!
Canada
With massive overpopulation threatening the globe, Canadians maintain a population of less than 35 million. How do they do it? Zero sex appeal!
Cape Verde
Millions visit your island nation... to refuel their planes!
Central African Republic
So bad, the gorillas learn sign language for "Poach me."
Chad
Good news: Ustad Ali Khan is headlining the Locust Plague Festival.
Chile
The good news is, it's finally legal to get a divorce. The bad news is, who gets the active volcano and who gets the 55,000 square miles of lifeless desert?
China
If you're gonna be in prison, it might as well be for no reason.
Colombia
You'll come for the enticing beauty of the Caribbean Sea. You'll stay because you've been kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a Dodge Dart.
Comoros
On a list of the world's purchasing power, you're ranked 222. Did I mention there are only 190 countries?
Democratic Republic of Congo
Where even a poor boy with no prospects can grow up to be run over by a presidential motorcade.
Republic of Congo
Without you, who would the elephants trample?
Costa Rica
Thanks for giving us a place to dump our potheads.
Cote D'Ivoire
Cocoa, sugar, and mass killings. Are you a country or a Willy Wonka nightmare?
Croatia
Congratulations on your candidacy for the European Union. Imagine, if that comes through, it could employ two, maybe three people.
Cuba
Where "high-tech" means you've got a radio on your homemade raft.
Cyprus
Where the Mediterranean climate makes it a joy to spend each day mining asbestos.
Czech Republic
The country that explains why Kafka never wrote a happy story.
Denmark
Too bad you can't build a warm, sunny day out of Legos.
Djibouti
Imagine how great life would be if you had the rich natural resources of Ethiopia.
Dominica
Where the national catchphrase is "I'm sorry, officer, I didn't mean to interrupt your armed robbery."
Dominican Republic
The perfect place for anyone who's ever asked themself "Where'd my car go?"
East Timor
It takes a lot to admit you live on the bad side of Timor.
Ecuador
Street crime is on the rise, so keep your ransom note in an inside pocket.
Egypt
Where priceless ancient statues and mummies are so close, you can fly to London and see them at the British Museum.
El Salvador
Where no resumé is complete without the phrase "Supervised six-person death squad."
Equatorial Guinea
Congratulations, you just discovered vast oil reserves... I mean, we just discovered vast oil reserves. *evil laugh*
Eritrea
You only have one TV station, but cheer up - it's got locust reports on the eights!
Estonia
Home of the European flying squirrel, the only Estonian mammal that's not an alcoholic.
Ethiopia
I can't do this one, let's move on.
Fiji
If you're visiting Fiji, you have to go snorkeling, 'cause it's the best way to flee cannibals.
Finland
We're so dumb, we can't wait to be insulted to send a meaningless postcard with a tire on the front.
You've had over 5,000 years of culture, and the world's most famous Finn is still Huckleberry.
France
You gave us the term "deja vu," as in "Wow, I have this weird feeling you've been obnoxious and arrogant before. Deja vu!"
(Wait a miniute, this is France, so I think I can't do just one.)
France
Rimbaud, Baudelaire, Gauguin, Manet: You're number one when it comes to great minds that died of syphillis.
Gabon
You have to question a country that grants five terms to a man called "President Bongo."
The Gambia
The only nation brave enough to say "Let those offshore oil reserves wait. We've got a good thing going with these peanuts and palm kernels."
Georgia
Where Europe meets Asia and says "Hey, why don't we both dump our crap here?"
Germany
The great 20th-century power that said, "Ditch Einstein, get Hasselhoff."
Ghana
The 'h' is silent, like a room full of people after you ask "What's worthwhile about Ghana?"
Greece
Big news: Historians now think the first marathon took place in August 490 BC, not September. That means nothing good has come out of Greece for a month longer than previously believed.
Grenada
When you're at the end of a grueling fifteen-hour day peeling the husks off nutmeg, remember this: without you, the world would have to sprinkle its eggnog with cinnamon.
Guatemala
Where the Mayans invented the zero, as in "What are the chances this shirt was made by someone over the age of eight? Zero!"
Guinea
Even guinea pigs have the good sense to claim they're actually from Peru.
Guinea-Bissau
The only book that mentions it is The Audubon Guide to Locusts.
Guyana
The Eskimos have sixty words for "snow." The Guyanans have eighty words for "dysentery."
Haiti
You just celebrated two hundred years of independence. Congratulations. Now make a wish and blow out your burning pile of tires.
Hungary
Sure, your next-door neighbour Austria was home to Mozart, Beethoven, Strauss, Schubert, and Freud, but don't forget, you make pretty good stuffed cabbage.
Iceland
I'm amazed you don't have a military. How do you protect your 85,000 square miles of uninhabitable land?
India
A nation so richly diverse, you can walk into a single neighborhood and find cholera, dengue fever, malaria, typhoid, and plague.
Indonesia
This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of your first democratic election, in which apparently, everyone voted to never have another democratic election.
Iran
Just two more years 'til you have a nuclear warhead, and two years and a day 'til you use it on a woman holding a beer.
Awhile ago, Conan did a bit where he showed fake Euro coins. One of those coins made fun of the Ukraine, which provoked a lot of angry letters. Actually, All the letters sent were from the Ukraine. Conan had no idea that Late Night was aired in the Ukraine, and began to wonder where else he was on.
There is just one way to find out, and that is to viciously insult every nation in the world, and see which ones he gets letters from.
Here is the complete list:
Afghanistan
The bad news is, there's a new article about everyone farming opium.
The good news is, you can't read.
Albania
The perfect getaway for people who love Kosovo, but hate the working phone service.
Algeria
It took you eight years to beat France.
Andorra
How does it feel, being Luxembourg's bitch?
Angola
Hey, call me when your life expectancy catches up with your inflation rate.
Azerbaijan
Believe it or not, you can use oil for more than just killing seals.
The Bahamas
It takes a lot of rum to forget your major export is crawfish.
Bahrain
A thriving centre of trade and culture... until 2000 BC!
Bangladesh
If you can hear this, your television isn't underwater. Congratulations!
Barbados
There simply isn't a more beautiful island... to sail by on your way to Jamaica.
Belarus
Clay, sand, and chalk: Your richest natural resources are what a toddler throws up after a big day at preschool.
Belgium
The only European country to never successfully invade Belgium.
Belize
Get your camera; they're paving a road!
Benin
Keep practicing those voodoo spells and maybe someday you'll be as rich as Rwanda.
Bhutan
So they took away your freedom of the press? Who needs it when your only headline is "Bhutan Continues to Suck?"
Bolivia
Remember kids, you must be at least nine years old to overthrow the goverment.
Bosnia & Herzegovina
Nothing spells a bright future like signing your peace accord in Dayton, Ohio.
Botswana
Diamonds are forever; too bad your people check out at 35.
Brazil
Home to more than 800 species of unregulated breast implants.
Brunei
If there was ever an argument for the death penalty, it's chicken smuggling.
Bulgaria
So what if you misplaced a little weapons-grade uranium? The important thing is keeping track of all those hand-made doileys and goat hair rugs.
Burkina Faso
In the traditional tribal language, that's Burkina for "land of" and Faso for "people who want to get the hell out of Burkina Faso."
Burma
The bad news is, you've got rampant malaria. The good news is, it doesn't stop the kids from making those shirts.
Burundi
All that coffee in a country with no reason to wake up.
Cambodia
How many temples does it take before you guys realize God isn't listening?
Cameroon
Not to be mistaken with the macaroon, a small, chewy cookie... with a longer life expectancy!
Canada
With massive overpopulation threatening the globe, Canadians maintain a population of less than 35 million. How do they do it? Zero sex appeal!
Cape Verde
Millions visit your island nation... to refuel their planes!
Central African Republic
So bad, the gorillas learn sign language for "Poach me."
Chad
Good news: Ustad Ali Khan is headlining the Locust Plague Festival.
Chile
The good news is, it's finally legal to get a divorce. The bad news is, who gets the active volcano and who gets the 55,000 square miles of lifeless desert?
China
If you're gonna be in prison, it might as well be for no reason.
Colombia
You'll come for the enticing beauty of the Caribbean Sea. You'll stay because you've been kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a Dodge Dart.
Comoros
On a list of the world's purchasing power, you're ranked 222. Did I mention there are only 190 countries?
Democratic Republic of Congo
Where even a poor boy with no prospects can grow up to be run over by a presidential motorcade.
Republic of Congo
Without you, who would the elephants trample?
Costa Rica
Thanks for giving us a place to dump our potheads.
Cote D'Ivoire
Cocoa, sugar, and mass killings. Are you a country or a Willy Wonka nightmare?
Croatia
Congratulations on your candidacy for the European Union. Imagine, if that comes through, it could employ two, maybe three people.
Cuba
Where "high-tech" means you've got a radio on your homemade raft.
Cyprus
Where the Mediterranean climate makes it a joy to spend each day mining asbestos.
Czech Republic
The country that explains why Kafka never wrote a happy story.
Denmark
Too bad you can't build a warm, sunny day out of Legos.
Djibouti
Imagine how great life would be if you had the rich natural resources of Ethiopia.
Dominica
Where the national catchphrase is "I'm sorry, officer, I didn't mean to interrupt your armed robbery."
Dominican Republic
The perfect place for anyone who's ever asked themself "Where'd my car go?"
East Timor
It takes a lot to admit you live on the bad side of Timor.
Ecuador
Street crime is on the rise, so keep your ransom note in an inside pocket.
Egypt
Where priceless ancient statues and mummies are so close, you can fly to London and see them at the British Museum.
El Salvador
Where no resumé is complete without the phrase "Supervised six-person death squad."
Equatorial Guinea
Congratulations, you just discovered vast oil reserves... I mean, we just discovered vast oil reserves. *evil laugh*
Eritrea
You only have one TV station, but cheer up - it's got locust reports on the eights!
Estonia
Home of the European flying squirrel, the only Estonian mammal that's not an alcoholic.
Ethiopia
I can't do this one, let's move on.
Fiji
If you're visiting Fiji, you have to go snorkeling, 'cause it's the best way to flee cannibals.
Finland
We're so dumb, we can't wait to be insulted to send a meaningless postcard with a tire on the front.
You've had over 5,000 years of culture, and the world's most famous Finn is still Huckleberry.
France
You gave us the term "deja vu," as in "Wow, I have this weird feeling you've been obnoxious and arrogant before. Deja vu!"
(Wait a miniute, this is France, so I think I can't do just one.)
France
Rimbaud, Baudelaire, Gauguin, Manet: You're number one when it comes to great minds that died of syphillis.
Gabon
You have to question a country that grants five terms to a man called "President Bongo."
The Gambia
The only nation brave enough to say "Let those offshore oil reserves wait. We've got a good thing going with these peanuts and palm kernels."
Georgia
Where Europe meets Asia and says "Hey, why don't we both dump our crap here?"
Germany
The great 20th-century power that said, "Ditch Einstein, get Hasselhoff."
Ghana
The 'h' is silent, like a room full of people after you ask "What's worthwhile about Ghana?"
Greece
Big news: Historians now think the first marathon took place in August 490 BC, not September. That means nothing good has come out of Greece for a month longer than previously believed.
Grenada
When you're at the end of a grueling fifteen-hour day peeling the husks off nutmeg, remember this: without you, the world would have to sprinkle its eggnog with cinnamon.
Guatemala
Where the Mayans invented the zero, as in "What are the chances this shirt was made by someone over the age of eight? Zero!"
Guinea
Even guinea pigs have the good sense to claim they're actually from Peru.
Guinea-Bissau
The only book that mentions it is The Audubon Guide to Locusts.
Guyana
The Eskimos have sixty words for "snow." The Guyanans have eighty words for "dysentery."
Haiti
You just celebrated two hundred years of independence. Congratulations. Now make a wish and blow out your burning pile of tires.
Hungary
Sure, your next-door neighbour Austria was home to Mozart, Beethoven, Strauss, Schubert, and Freud, but don't forget, you make pretty good stuffed cabbage.
Iceland
I'm amazed you don't have a military. How do you protect your 85,000 square miles of uninhabitable land?
India
A nation so richly diverse, you can walk into a single neighborhood and find cholera, dengue fever, malaria, typhoid, and plague.
Indonesia
This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of your first democratic election, in which apparently, everyone voted to never have another democratic election.
Iran
Just two more years 'til you have a nuclear warhead, and two years and a day 'til you use it on a woman holding a beer.
Ireland
You know, there's a wonderful old Irish legend that goes something like this: Once upon a time, many years ago, there was an Irishman who could hold down a job.
Israel
Hey, remember when life in Israel was vibrant and carefree? Man, that was the day.
Italy
The newspapers are reporting a miracle. Apparently, a statue of Mary moved her hand and said, "I just worked harder than 80% of your workforce."
Jamaica
Of course you've got an astronomical murder rate. You've had "No Woman No Cry" on repeat for 25 years.
Japan
Last century, you brutally defeated China and Russia. This century, you make Hello Kitty toasters.
Jordan
Thanks to your country's progress in human rights, now your citizens can choose which hand you cut off.
Kenya
It's a beautiful place to grow old, assuming you're one of the 2.3% of Kenyans who live to 65.
South Korea
Your biggest natural resource is coal, which gives dog a nice, smokey flavour.
Kuwait
We saved your ass from Saddam. Now make with the oil, bitch.
Kyrgystan
If your country could afford vowels, you could spell "this place sucks."
Laos
You'll come for the early Asian ruins. You'll stay 'cause you've been stricken with avian bird flu.
Latvia
Your leading industries are textiles, heavy machinery production, and trading your daughters for second-hand American blue jeans.
Liberia
Are you bummed out 'cause your country has only 120 miles of paved road? Well, cheer up! Your 41-year life expectancy should give you plenty of time to see all of it.
Luxembourg
Come visit our country, but make sure you also have an afternoon activity.
Malawi
Just like Florida, except without the electricity, phones, drinkable water, or protection from roaming death squads.
Malaysia
Where the police cane you first, then ask for a bribe.
Maldives
You'll come for the tropical climate. You'll stay 'cause you've been eaten by tiger sharks.
Mali
What's that noise? People arguing in tribal languages over the last pile of ground nuts!
Malta
Brimming with culture, history, and mustachioed Sicilian hookers.
Marshall Islands
To write a joke about your country, we Googled it. No results were found.
Mexico
Look, there's an honest policeman! No, wait, they got him.
Monaco
Where Eurotrash goes to gamble away their facelift money.
Mongolia
Where Chinese freedom meets Siberian comfort.
Mozambique
The good news is, you only have the fourteenth highest death rate in the world.
The bad news is, you border numbers one, three, four, and seven.
Myanmar
Remember when your government was almost toppled by a pair of cigarette-smoking twelve-year-old twins who you thought were immortal? Man, you sure have come a long way since 2001.
Nepal
Home to eight of the world's highest peaks; nine if you count your unemployment rate.
The Netherlands
Congratulations, you've turned 500 years of culture into a pot joke.
New Caledonia
Still a world leader in beach erosion.
Nicaragua
Come learn about the heritage of your nanny.
Nigeria
Where children come first... in the draft.
Norway
Sweden has Ikea, Finland has Nokia... Hey Norway, what do you have? Nothing-kia!
Oman
As in "Oh man, I can't believe you cut my hand off for stealing an orange!"
Pakistan
Guess what? You're not worth jack-istan!
Palau
How do you enter Palau? Arrive in a national airport.
How do you leave Palau? Through a shark's colon.
Panama
Congratulations, you have the second-busiest canal after Paris Hilton.
Philippines
Mi casa es su landfill.
(Spanish for "My House is a Landfill") WTF?!
Poland
We'd write an insult about Poland, but they'd just send themselves the hate mail.
Romania
Come see our museum of the Middle Ages. We call it "Romania."
Russia
The perfect marriage of rampant corruption and tacky track suits.
St. Kitts and Nevis
You know, after you get through the shrinking population and the low birth rate, there's almost no one left to die during hurricane season.
Samoa
Kind of like Fiji, but without all the reasons to go there.
Saudi Arabia
You'll come for the history, you'll stay because they arrested your wife for accidentally showing her ankles.
Serbia
You tried ethnic cleansing; how about cleaning your armpits?
Sierra Leone
You fought for the British in World War I, now you're fighting for your first working toilet.
Slovakia
In 1993, Czechoslovakia was split into two seperate parts: Slovakia, and the good part.
Somalia
Plagued by decades of civil war. Come on, guys, there's plenty of rubble for everyone!
Spain
Five hundred years ago, you were a global superpower, and now you're not. Hmm, that's strange. Oh well, time for another four-hour nap!
Sweden
Your contributions to the world: crappy furniture and Stockholm Syndrome.
Syria
We haven't bombed you yet. Still, I'd hold off on any major contruction projects.
Tajikistan
Congratulations, you're where Uzbekistanis go to feel better about themselves.
Thailand
Where you can have sex with a 14-year-old prostitute, if they're willing to come out of retirement.
Trinidad & Tobago
The Siegfried & Roy of the Lesser Antilles.
Taiwan
Oh wait, you're not a real country. You're China's bitch!
Togo
You've got it all... and by "it all," I mean risk of both bacterial and protozoal diarrhea.
Turkey
Formerly the Ottoman Empire, whose greatest achievement was inventing a piece of furniture to rest your feet on.
Turkmenistan
Why don't more people give their children Turkmen names? I don't know, let's ask President Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov.
Turks & Caicos
Where the national library is housed under the reception desk of a Sandals Resort.
Tunisia
Remember that scene in Star Wars when they're on that desert planet and they go into that bar with all those weird creatures? Guess what, that was filmed in Tunisia, and those weren't actors!
Uganda
Situated right between Rwanda and the Sudan. Jealous?
You know, there's a wonderful old Irish legend that goes something like this: Once upon a time, many years ago, there was an Irishman who could hold down a job.
Israel
Hey, remember when life in Israel was vibrant and carefree? Man, that was the day.
Italy
The newspapers are reporting a miracle. Apparently, a statue of Mary moved her hand and said, "I just worked harder than 80% of your workforce."
Jamaica
Of course you've got an astronomical murder rate. You've had "No Woman No Cry" on repeat for 25 years.
Japan
Last century, you brutally defeated China and Russia. This century, you make Hello Kitty toasters.
Jordan
Thanks to your country's progress in human rights, now your citizens can choose which hand you cut off.
Kenya
It's a beautiful place to grow old, assuming you're one of the 2.3% of Kenyans who live to 65.
South Korea
Your biggest natural resource is coal, which gives dog a nice, smokey flavour.
Kuwait
We saved your ass from Saddam. Now make with the oil, bitch.
Kyrgystan
If your country could afford vowels, you could spell "this place sucks."
Laos
You'll come for the early Asian ruins. You'll stay 'cause you've been stricken with avian bird flu.
Latvia
Your leading industries are textiles, heavy machinery production, and trading your daughters for second-hand American blue jeans.
Liberia
Are you bummed out 'cause your country has only 120 miles of paved road? Well, cheer up! Your 41-year life expectancy should give you plenty of time to see all of it.
Luxembourg
Come visit our country, but make sure you also have an afternoon activity.
Malawi
Just like Florida, except without the electricity, phones, drinkable water, or protection from roaming death squads.
Malaysia
Where the police cane you first, then ask for a bribe.
Maldives
You'll come for the tropical climate. You'll stay 'cause you've been eaten by tiger sharks.
Mali
What's that noise? People arguing in tribal languages over the last pile of ground nuts!
Malta
Brimming with culture, history, and mustachioed Sicilian hookers.
Marshall Islands
To write a joke about your country, we Googled it. No results were found.
Mexico
Look, there's an honest policeman! No, wait, they got him.
Monaco
Where Eurotrash goes to gamble away their facelift money.
Mongolia
Where Chinese freedom meets Siberian comfort.
Mozambique
The good news is, you only have the fourteenth highest death rate in the world.
The bad news is, you border numbers one, three, four, and seven.
Myanmar
Remember when your government was almost toppled by a pair of cigarette-smoking twelve-year-old twins who you thought were immortal? Man, you sure have come a long way since 2001.
Nepal
Home to eight of the world's highest peaks; nine if you count your unemployment rate.
The Netherlands
Congratulations, you've turned 500 years of culture into a pot joke.
New Caledonia
Still a world leader in beach erosion.
Nicaragua
Come learn about the heritage of your nanny.
Nigeria
Where children come first... in the draft.
Norway
Sweden has Ikea, Finland has Nokia... Hey Norway, what do you have? Nothing-kia!
Oman
As in "Oh man, I can't believe you cut my hand off for stealing an orange!"
Pakistan
Guess what? You're not worth jack-istan!
Palau
How do you enter Palau? Arrive in a national airport.
How do you leave Palau? Through a shark's colon.
Panama
Congratulations, you have the second-busiest canal after Paris Hilton.
Philippines
Mi casa es su landfill.
(Spanish for "My House is a Landfill") WTF?!
Poland
We'd write an insult about Poland, but they'd just send themselves the hate mail.
Romania
Come see our museum of the Middle Ages. We call it "Romania."
Russia
The perfect marriage of rampant corruption and tacky track suits.
St. Kitts and Nevis
You know, after you get through the shrinking population and the low birth rate, there's almost no one left to die during hurricane season.
Samoa
Kind of like Fiji, but without all the reasons to go there.
Saudi Arabia
You'll come for the history, you'll stay because they arrested your wife for accidentally showing her ankles.
Serbia
You tried ethnic cleansing; how about cleaning your armpits?
Sierra Leone
You fought for the British in World War I, now you're fighting for your first working toilet.
Slovakia
In 1993, Czechoslovakia was split into two seperate parts: Slovakia, and the good part.
Somalia
Plagued by decades of civil war. Come on, guys, there's plenty of rubble for everyone!
Spain
Five hundred years ago, you were a global superpower, and now you're not. Hmm, that's strange. Oh well, time for another four-hour nap!
Sweden
Your contributions to the world: crappy furniture and Stockholm Syndrome.
Syria
We haven't bombed you yet. Still, I'd hold off on any major contruction projects.
Tajikistan
Congratulations, you're where Uzbekistanis go to feel better about themselves.
Thailand
Where you can have sex with a 14-year-old prostitute, if they're willing to come out of retirement.
Trinidad & Tobago
The Siegfried & Roy of the Lesser Antilles.
Taiwan
Oh wait, you're not a real country. You're China's bitch!
Togo
You've got it all... and by "it all," I mean risk of both bacterial and protozoal diarrhea.
Turkey
Formerly the Ottoman Empire, whose greatest achievement was inventing a piece of furniture to rest your feet on.
Turkmenistan
Why don't more people give their children Turkmen names? I don't know, let's ask President Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov.
Turks & Caicos
Where the national library is housed under the reception desk of a Sandals Resort.
Tunisia
Remember that scene in Star Wars when they're on that desert planet and they go into that bar with all those weird creatures? Guess what, that was filmed in Tunisia, and those weren't actors!
Uganda
Situated right between Rwanda and the Sudan. Jealous?
JC, don't worry, Conan The Barbarian, haem, O'Brian, took the lead on being an idiot. It's not you who's wrong, it's him...
How can anybody in his right mind take pride in finding ways to insult peoples? Mr. the Barbarian is a retard and proved it multiple times.
How can anybody in his right mind take pride in finding ways to insult peoples? Mr. the Barbarian is a retard and proved it multiple times.
Cybersex 1
sexyjen: Thats ok. Ok I'm a Japanese schoolgirl, what are you.
C-Dub: A Rhinoceros. Well, hung like one, that's for sure.
sexyjen: Haha, ok lets go.
sexyjen: I put my hand through your hair, and kiss you on the neck.
C-Dub: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
sexyjen: Haha, ok, you know that turns me on.
sexyjen: I start unbuttoning your shirt.
C-Dub: Rhinoceroses don't were shirts.
sexyjen: No, your not really a Rhinoceros silly, it's just part of the game.
C-Dub: Rhinoceroses don't play games. They fuckking charge your ass.
sexyjen: Stop, c'mon be serious.
C-Dub: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinoceros about to charge your ass.
C-Dub: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
sexyjen: Thats it.
C-Dub: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
C-Dub: Goddamn am I hard now.
sexyjen: Thats ok. Ok I'm a Japanese schoolgirl, what are you.
C-Dub: A Rhinoceros. Well, hung like one, that's for sure.
sexyjen: Haha, ok lets go.
sexyjen: I put my hand through your hair, and kiss you on the neck.
C-Dub: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
sexyjen: Haha, ok, you know that turns me on.
sexyjen: I start unbuttoning your shirt.
C-Dub: Rhinoceroses don't were shirts.
sexyjen: No, your not really a Rhinoceros silly, it's just part of the game.
C-Dub: Rhinoceroses don't play games. They fuckking charge your ass.
sexyjen: Stop, c'mon be serious.
C-Dub: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinoceros about to charge your ass.
C-Dub: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
sexyjen: Thats it.
C-Dub: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
C-Dub: Goddamn am I hard now.
Cybersex 2
C-Dub: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears29: Aight.
C-Dub: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears29: I slip out of my pants, just for you, C-Dub.
C-Dub: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears29: Oh, I like to play dress up.
C-Dub: Me too baby.
BritneySpears29: I kiss you softly on your chest.
C-Dub: I cast Level 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears29: Hey...
C-Dub: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Level 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears29: Funny I still don't see it.
C-Dub: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears29: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
C-Dub: Don't fuck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
C-Dub: I steal your soul and cast Lightning Level 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Level 2 Druid.
BritneySpears29: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
C-Dub: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
C-Dub: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
C-Dub: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
C-Dub: Baby?
C-Dub: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears29: Aight.
C-Dub: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears29: I slip out of my pants, just for you, C-Dub.
C-Dub: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears29: Oh, I like to play dress up.
C-Dub: Me too baby.
BritneySpears29: I kiss you softly on your chest.
C-Dub: I cast Level 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears29: Hey...
C-Dub: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Level 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears29: Funny I still don't see it.
C-Dub: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears29: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
C-Dub: Don't fuck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
C-Dub: I steal your soul and cast Lightning Level 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Level 2 Druid.
BritneySpears29: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
C-Dub: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
C-Dub: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
C-Dub: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
C-Dub: Baby?
Cybersex 3
Kati69: Sure, you into vegetables?
C-Dub: What like gardening an shit?
Kati69: Yeah, something like that.
C-Dub: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out:
C-Dub: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
Kati69: is that it?
C-Dub: You water your tomato patch.
C-Dub: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
Kati69: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
C-Dub: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
C-Dub: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
Kati69: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
C-Dub: My zucchinis carress your carrots.
C-Dub: Damn baby your right, this shiat is HOT.
Kati69: ...
C-Dub: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
Kati69: What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
C-Dub: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
Kati69: whatever.
Kati69: Sure, you into vegetables?
C-Dub: What like gardening an shit?
Kati69: Yeah, something like that.
C-Dub: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out:
C-Dub: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
Kati69: is that it?
C-Dub: You water your tomato patch.
C-Dub: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
Kati69: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
C-Dub: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
C-Dub: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
Kati69: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
C-Dub: My zucchinis carress your carrots.
C-Dub: Damn baby your right, this shiat is HOT.
Kati69: ...
C-Dub: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
Kati69: What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
C-Dub: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
Kati69: whatever.
Cybersex 4
C-Dub: You're pretty funny.
DirtyLaura1: I don't remember you.. but thanx
C-Dub: Wanna cyber?
DirtyLaura1: OK, but don't tell anybody (wink)
DirtyLaura1: Who are you?
C-Dub: I've got blonde hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot.
C-Dub: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's.
DirtyLaura1: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
C-Dub: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order.
DirtyLaura1: Haha! OK
DirtyLaura1: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
C-Dub: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyLaura1: I want everything, baby!
C-Dub: Is this a delivery?
DirtyLaura1: Umm...Yes
DirtyLaura1: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
C-Dub: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
(pause)
DirtyLaura1: C-Dub, I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
C-Dub: You can't hurry good pizza.
C-Dub: I'm on my way now though.
(pause)
DirtyLaura1: So you're at my front door now.
C-Dub: How did you know?
C-Dub: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
C-Dub: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven.
DirtyLaura1: Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
C-Dub: So you're still in the bathroom?
C-Dub: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstasy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyLaura1: wtf?
DirtyLaura1: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyLaura1: Fuck
C-Dub: You're pretty funny.
DirtyLaura1: I don't remember you.. but thanx
C-Dub: Wanna cyber?
DirtyLaura1: OK, but don't tell anybody (wink)
DirtyLaura1: Who are you?
C-Dub: I've got blonde hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot.
C-Dub: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's.
DirtyLaura1: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
C-Dub: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order.
DirtyLaura1: Haha! OK
DirtyLaura1: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
C-Dub: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyLaura1: I want everything, baby!
C-Dub: Is this a delivery?
DirtyLaura1: Umm...Yes
DirtyLaura1: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
C-Dub: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
(pause)
DirtyLaura1: C-Dub, I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
C-Dub: You can't hurry good pizza.
C-Dub: I'm on my way now though.
(pause)
DirtyLaura1: So you're at my front door now.
C-Dub: How did you know?
C-Dub: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
C-Dub: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven.
DirtyLaura1: Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
C-Dub: So you're still in the bathroom?
C-Dub: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstasy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyLaura1: wtf?
DirtyLaura1: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyLaura1: Fuck
Similar threads
