Joke Thread

[paulo]

Fun for $20

On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they
were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.


She explained that for the more than three decades she had
"charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"


That's when she shot him.

 

[Montrealer1]

Two nuns

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
say two Hail Marys! Or another punishment that fits!!

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

Zarqawi Joke

Here is a nice post I found in the Guardian:

Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.

Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

 

[paulo]

Pay Raise Request and Rejection

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:


I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Sincerely,
P. Niss



The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
following reasons:

You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You
do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well
before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your
designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking
bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

 

[Avery]

On the sperm of the moment

Sammy the Sperm was an ambitious little fellow, right from the day he was born. He was bound and determined to be the one out of 500 million siblings that would fertilize that egg when the big moment came.

He watched his diet very carefully, lifted weights, swam till he was exhausted, got lots of sleep, etc. He was in much better shape than the others, and he knew he could beat them to the target.

One day, he felt a pressure buildup, and he knew the moment had come. The surge carried all the millions of sperm along with it, but Sammy used his superior strength, conditioning and endurance to fight his way to the front of the line, and he opened up a huge lead. He was way ahead, and certain to be the first to arrive at the egg.

He looked up, and what he saw shocked him! He mustered all his strength, and managed to stop in mid-stream. With his remaining energy, he started to swim against the flow. When he encountered his laggard siblings who were still on the way out, he yelled, “Get back! Get back! It’s only a blowjob!”

 

[paulo]

Old Chinese Proverbs

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

[eastender]

Retirement Plan

Which bank or financial institution will be the first to go after the hobbyist market with a Freedom 69 plan ?

 

[eastender]

Opus

Big fan of the Opus cartoon strip.The following is borrowed from one of the panels in yesterdays strip.

"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?"

 

[paulo]

2 Priests

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined,to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in
their tourist garb.They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink,
the sunshine and the scenery when a blonde stunner wearing a string
bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled
and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and
addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.

They were both mortified! How in the world did she know they we're priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could
hear them before you saw them.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a
minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?", she said.

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world
did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret"

 

[Techman]

Celebrity caricatures

http://www.worth1000.com/cache/gallery/contestcache.asp?contest_id=10621&display=photoshop

A gallery of photoshopped celebrity photos. Some are guaranteed to make you smile.

 

[StripperLover]

THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR - True Story]

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very
rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against
fire, among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile
of these great cigars and without yet having made even
his first premium payment on the policy,
the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were
lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company
refused to pay, citing the obvious reason
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
fashion.

The lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me.) In
delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the
insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a
policy from the company in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it
would insure them against fire, without defining what
is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process,
the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid
$15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars
lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance
company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a
$24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in
the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES
THINK WE'RE NUTS!

 

[Avery]

It's a good story, and qualifies as a joke, but it's totally false. It never happened. People want to believe it because they hate lawyers.

http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp

 

[naughtylady]

A housewife is at home when she hears a knock on the door.
When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina. The
woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked
her.

The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman
decides to tell her husband. The husband says to the wife,
"Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the
man asks if you have a vagina, say 'yes' and I will be hiding
behind the door."

The next day the same man comes again, and when the woman opens
the door, he asks if she has a vagina.
The woman says, "Yes".
The man then said, "Good, then please tell your husband to stop
fucking my wife."

 

[incognito_NYC]

The Ham Sandwich ...

A rabbi walks into a delicatessen at lunchtime and sees the priest from the local Catholic church. He goes over to say hello just as the priest is being served a ham sandwich.

After greeting the rabbi the priest syas, "You know this place has the best sandwiches in town. Just look how much meat they put in there. I usually have to take home half the sandwich because I can never finish it. If you'd care to join me I'll gladly share the other half of my ham sandwich with you."

The rabbi declines saying that he cannot eat ham. The priest asks "Why is it that you can't eat ham any way?" The rabbi replies "It is against my religion."

The rabbi then asks the priest "So why is it father that you do not date girls?" The priest answers "Well, that is against my religion."

The rabbi leans across the table and whispers "You really should try it sometime ... it's better than ham."

 

[paulo]

Golf lovers

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a
bee
sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for
help
and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you
back in
so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

 

[chef]

A harrowed young mother is trying to control her rambunctuous 3-year old son in a bank. Finally she says to him, "be quiet or I'll tell Daddy that you've been a bad boy", to which the kid replies, at the top of his lungs, "And I'll tell Gramma that I saw you eating daddy's peepee".

Needless to say, she fled from the bank.

 

[StripperLover]

Something To Ponder

STORY WITH A MORAL


In 1923, who was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?


These men
were considered
some of the world's most successful
of their days.

Now,
80 years later,
the history book asks us
if we know
what ultimately became of them.


The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
_DIED A PAUPER. _

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
_WENT INSANE. _

3. The president of the NYSE,

Richard Whitney,
_WAS RELEASED FROM PRISON _
TO DIE AT HOME.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
_DIED ABROAD, PENNILESS. _

5. The president
of
the Bank of International Settlement,
_SHOT HIMSELF. _

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
_ALSO COMMITTED SUICIDE. _

However:
in that same year,
1923,
the PGA Champion
and
the winner of
the
most important golf tournament,
the U.S. Open,
was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?


He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work...
Play golf!

 

[paulo]

Always good when Wet...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and
in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

 

[paulo]

Ethel in the Nursing Home

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

 

[CantSeeMrHappy]

Funny videos

Will get some good laughs

The How To Make Love To A Woman

This made me piss my pants, weird Japanese show.