Joke Thread

[Techman]

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, The French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now, all French Army officers wear brown pants

 

[paulo]

World Cup Fever

A man has two tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No", he says. "The seat is empty".

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married".

"Oh.....I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible, but couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral".

 

[paulo]

Ears

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone cumming? That was me."

 

[chef]

Penis Size

A British team did research on Penis sizes and determined that there are 5 categories into which sizes can be grouped:

1) Small
2) Medium
3) Large
4) Oh, my God !
5) Does that come in white ?

 

[StripperLover]

Skunked

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

She says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. She says, "But what about the smell?", to which he retorts "Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

 

[shaumaman]

Two young guys are picked up by the cops for doing drugs - they appear in court on Friday. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this we ekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."

On Monday, the two guys are back in court. The judge says to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your Honor. I drew two circles like this - O o - and told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable !" the judge says. He turns to the second guy. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"One-hundred fifty six people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles - o O - and said, pointing to the small circle, "This is your rectum before prison..."

 

[chef]

As he walks into a bakery a guy notices that the gorgoeus babe behind the counter is wearing a really short skirt. He looks around and sees that on the very top shelf is the raisin bread, so he asks her for a loaf. She obligingly gets a ladder and climbs up to get the bread. The guy notes that she's wearing a thong, which makes for a very nice sight as she climbs the ladder. As she gets down her tells her that he is having company that evening, so could probably use another loaf. She obligingly goes back up the ladder, and he enjoye ths view again. While this is happening another guy walks into the bakery and notices what's happening, so once she gets down he asks for some raisin bread as well. Another guy walks in, clues in to what's happening and asks for raisin bread as well. As she's climbing up again she thinks that she should taste the bread to find out what's so good about it as it seems so popular. A few more male customers come in and also ask for raisin bread. By this time the girl is getting rather annoyed at having to go up and down, not realizing the show she's putting on. While she's at the top of the ladder an older customer in his 70s walks in. From the top of the ladder she says to him, rather annoyed, "Is yours a raisin too?", to which her responds, "No, but it's a quiverin'".

 

[wilko26]

Management lesson

Joe wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she said she already had a boyfriend...

One day he got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you."

The girl said, " NO."

Joe then said: "I'll be fast -- I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.

She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boyfriend said: "Ask him for the $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. A half an hour went by.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened.

She said: "The bastard used quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

 

[paulo]

Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Rod?
This is Ernesto the
>>caretaker at your country house."
>> >
>> > "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there
a problem?"
>> >
>> > Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod,
that your parrot
died.
>> >
>> > "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the
International competition?"
>> >
>> > "Si, Senor, that's the one."
>> >
>> > "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on
that bird." "What
did
>>he
>>die from?"
>> >
>> > "From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
>> >
>> > "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
>> >
>> > "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead
horse."
>> >
>> > "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
>> >
>> > "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
>> >
>> > "My prize thorougbred is dead?"
>> >
>> > "Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling
the water cart."
>> >
>> > "Are you insane? What water cart?"
>> >
>> > "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
>> >
>> > "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about,
man?"
>> >
>> > "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and
the curtains
caught on
>>fire."
>> >
>> > "What the hell??....Are you saying that my
mansion is destroyed
because
>>of
>>a candle??!!!
>> >
>> > "Si Senor Rod."
>> >
>> > "But there's electricity at the house!!! What was
the candle for?"
>> >
>> > "For the funeral, Senor Rod."
>> >
>> > WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?
>> >
>> > "Your wife's, Senor Rod..She showed up one night
out of the blue
and I
>>thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Tiger Woods Nike
>>Driver."
>> >
>> > SILENCE................... , LONG SILENCE...
>> >
>> > "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in
deep shit!"

 

[paulo]

More Golf Jokes

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" the doctor asks.

"Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

 

[paulo]

The Jihadist

Jihadist Joke

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The jihadist died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat the jihadist with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist.

As the jihadist lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.

The jihadist wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

 

[StripperLover]

Lifeguard in the Pool

Lifeguard in the Pool

 

[StripperLover]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, What you see???”

The Lone Ranger replies “I see Millions of stars.”

What that tell you? Asked Tonto

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you Tonto????

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, “Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit.
Someone stole tent.”

 

[chef]

The Lone Ranger, in retirement, finds out that "Kemo Sabe" is Apache for horse's rear end.

 

[paulo]

Whats a 710?

What's a 710?

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde
woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and one of the mechanics asked,
"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.
I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked
her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her
over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:

http://mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg

 

[Avery]

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the abdomen. Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, " I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

 

[Avery]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

 

[mrten]

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

 

[shaumaman]

To be a Tool...

Understanding Engineers - #1

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great
bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike; threw it to the ground; took off all her clothes....and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



Understanding Engineers - #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers - #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning....for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - #4

What is the difference between aerospace engineers and civil engineers?

Aerospace engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers - #5

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers - #6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

[paulo]

Free Drinks

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage. Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of
Jack Daniels. Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!" Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore! And my knees are killing me!" Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"