Joke Thread
- Thread starter donbusch
- Start date
MARVEL COMICS: The MERB life of your superheroes (part 1)
How well do you know your superheroes?
Which superheroe flies over the skyscrapers?
SUPERMAN
Which superheroe flies and hang between the skyscrapers?
SPIDERMAN
Which superhero flies down the skyscrapers?
BATMAN
Which superhero flies through the skyscrapers?
MUSULMAN
How well do you know your superheroes?
Which superheroe flies over the skyscrapers?
SUPERMAN
Which superheroe flies and hang between the skyscrapers?
SPIDERMAN
Which superhero flies down the skyscrapers?
BATMAN
Which superhero flies through the skyscrapers?
MUSULMAN
MARVEL COMICS: The MERB life of your superheroes (part 2)
FLASHGORDON is doing his morning jogging on the beach. As usual, he goes pretty fast.
After a while, he sees WONDERWOMAN laying on her back, naked, legs spread out, eyes closed, apparently moaning a little while sun tanning.
Flash says himself: «This is my lucky day: If I'm fast enough, she won't notice anything».
So FLASHGORDON takes its breath...runs faster....takes out his horny hard dick while running like crazy to the naked WONDERWOMAN...aiming the hairy pussy (remember, we're in 70's)...then....PUFF....PUFFF....PUFFFFF....
Without a second, he's already running in a flash at the other side of the beach, zipping his pants, leaving WONDERWOMAN as is....
As Flash already gone, WONDERWOMAN open her eyes and says: «HEY! What was that???»
The INVISIBLE MAN stands up from his missionary position, slowly in pain, a hand on the back of his waist: «HMMMFFF....I don't know...but goddamn....it really hurts......»
FLASHGORDON is doing his morning jogging on the beach. As usual, he goes pretty fast.
After a while, he sees WONDERWOMAN laying on her back, naked, legs spread out, eyes closed, apparently moaning a little while sun tanning.
Flash says himself: «This is my lucky day: If I'm fast enough, she won't notice anything».
So FLASHGORDON takes its breath...runs faster....takes out his horny hard dick while running like crazy to the naked WONDERWOMAN...aiming the hairy pussy (remember, we're in 70's)...then....PUFF....PUFFF....PUFFFFF....
Without a second, he's already running in a flash at the other side of the beach, zipping his pants, leaving WONDERWOMAN as is....
As Flash already gone, WONDERWOMAN open her eyes and says: «HEY! What was that???»
The INVISIBLE MAN stands up from his missionary position, slowly in pain, a hand on the back of his waist: «HMMMFFF....I don't know...but goddamn....it really hurts......»
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MARVEL COMICS: The MERB life of your superheroes (part 3)
When I was 7-8 years old, I always asked myself why HULK turns out to be so angry....
When I grew up, I had the answer....
The scientists now know the side effects of being affected by Gamma Rays. They explain it can change the metabolic system and the genetic programmation responsible in the cell's development. HULK is in fact Dr. David Banner, a scientist that tested Gamma Rays on himself.
So when he arrived home, he was not only angry because of the flat tires he had to change in the pourring rain in the middle of the night. The TV shows only this part. In fact, it is at home with his wife he realized the real side effect of Gamma Rays.
When HULK turns angry, it is because he realizes that when his body inflate in muscles, it explodes and tears up all its clothes EXCEPT the upper part of his pants...
Knowing this now, don't you think is normal to be angry like this?
When I was 7-8 years old, I always asked myself why HULK turns out to be so angry....
When I grew up, I had the answer....
The scientists now know the side effects of being affected by Gamma Rays. They explain it can change the metabolic system and the genetic programmation responsible in the cell's development. HULK is in fact Dr. David Banner, a scientist that tested Gamma Rays on himself.
So when he arrived home, he was not only angry because of the flat tires he had to change in the pourring rain in the middle of the night. The TV shows only this part. In fact, it is at home with his wife he realized the real side effect of Gamma Rays.
When HULK turns angry, it is because he realizes that when his body inflate in muscles, it explodes and tears up all its clothes EXCEPT the upper part of his pants...
Knowing this now, don't you think is normal to be angry like this?
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Here's a joke sent to my email
A Somali arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to Canada.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, " Thank you, Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country,
giving me housing, foodstamps, free medical care and free
education!"
The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, Senor, I am Mexican"
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you
for having such a beautiful country here in Canada!"
The person says, "I no Canadian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he
stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful
Canada!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I
am not Canadian!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you a Canadian?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"
The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"
A Somali arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to Canada.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, " Thank you, Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country,
giving me housing, foodstamps, free medical care and free
education!"
The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, Senor, I am Mexican"
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you
for having such a beautiful country here in Canada!"
The person says, "I no Canadian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he
stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful
Canada!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I
am not Canadian!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you a Canadian?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"
The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"
Three little ducks go into a bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -juss anyting you want. You juss ask...so... whatchu want?" he says,trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..."You want...Garlic Chicken with steam vegable?"
________________________________________
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -juss anyting you want. You juss ask...so... whatchu want?" he says,trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..."You want...Garlic Chicken with steam vegable?"
________________________________________
Subject: Naughty Night Before Christmas
>
> Twas the night before Christmas, and God was it neat,
> The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
>
> The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
> It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
>
> Mama in her teddy, and I in the nude,
> Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
>
> When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
> That I lost my boner and poor Mama went dry.
>
> Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
> Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
>
> The moon on the crest of the snowman we built,
> Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
>
> When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
> But a rusty old sleigh and 8 mangy reindeer.
>
> With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
> A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
>
> Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
> And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
>
> Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
> Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
>
> Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
> Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
>
> They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
> Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
>
> And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
> As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
>
> I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
> When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
>
> His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
> He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
>
> "That was some brothel" he said with a smile,
> "The reindeer are pooped, so I'll just stay here a while."
>
> He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
> Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
>
> I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
> The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
>
> Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
> But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
>
> The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
> The next was a handgun, with a penis that spits.
>
> A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, ..
> And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
>
> A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
> And several other things I shouldn't even mention.
>
> A fuck ring, a g-string, and all types of oil,
> A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
>
> "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
> So I'll leav'em here, and then I'll haveta split."
>
> He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
> With one tiny butt plug left under his sleeve.
>
> He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
> Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
>
> In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
> Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
>
> The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
> "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
>
> Twas the night before Christmas, and God was it neat,
> The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
>
> The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
> It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
>
> Mama in her teddy, and I in the nude,
> Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
>
> When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
> That I lost my boner and poor Mama went dry.
>
> Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
> Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
>
> The moon on the crest of the snowman we built,
> Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
>
> When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
> But a rusty old sleigh and 8 mangy reindeer.
>
> With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
> A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
>
> Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
> And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
>
> Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
> Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
>
> Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
> Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
>
> They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
> Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
>
> And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
> As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
>
> I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
> When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
>
> His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
> He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
>
> "That was some brothel" he said with a smile,
> "The reindeer are pooped, so I'll just stay here a while."
>
> He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
> Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
>
> I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
> The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
>
> Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
> But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
>
> The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
> The next was a handgun, with a penis that spits.
>
> A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, ..
> And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
>
> A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
> And several other things I shouldn't even mention.
>
> A fuck ring, a g-string, and all types of oil,
> A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
>
> "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
> So I'll leav'em here, and then I'll haveta split."
>
> He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
> With one tiny butt plug left under his sleeve.
>
> He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
> Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
>
> In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
> Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
>
> The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
> "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
Lulu was a Prostitute (but she didn't want her grandma to know)
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted.....
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted.....
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
I preemptively attach a picture of someone playing the French horn since most people I've told this joke to, don't know what a French horn is let alone what's so particular about how one is held. I am also well aware that the joke is no longer funny once it has been explained.
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
I preemptively attach a picture of someone playing the French horn since most people I've told this joke to, don't know what a French horn is let alone what's so particular about how one is held. I am also well aware that the joke is no longer funny once it has been explained.
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Aiyee!
Little old lady was walking down the street and chanced to pass some boys playing. They had a home made soapbox racer and tied in harness to the front was a rather large dog, apparently the pet of one of the boys. She was next horrified to see that they had a string tied around the testicles of the dog.
"Young man, that is cruel! Remove that string this minute, this minute!" she exclaimed.
To which the boy sighed, "Well fellas, there goes our passing gear!"
Little old lady was walking down the street and chanced to pass some boys playing. They had a home made soapbox racer and tied in harness to the front was a rather large dog, apparently the pet of one of the boys. She was next horrified to see that they had a string tied around the testicles of the dog.
"Young man, that is cruel! Remove that string this minute, this minute!" she exclaimed.
To which the boy sighed, "Well fellas, there goes our passing gear!"
Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist
Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go
Enjoy!
Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go
Enjoy!
The 5 Toughest Questions!
The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask
and Their Answers ...
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question,
of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to
have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is,
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear.
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - I sorry what did you say, I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love,
in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do
you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear"
said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear"
he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd
remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the
husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my
old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures
of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask
and Their Answers ...
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question,
of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to
have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is,
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear.
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - I sorry what did you say, I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love,
in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do
you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear"
said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear"
he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd
remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the
husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my
old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures
of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
At Last!
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (or Euro for short).
In the first year “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year. When the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make the words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.
In the third year publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v”.
During ze fifz year ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of cours be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls ofr difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (or Euro for short).
In the first year “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year. When the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make the words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.
In the third year publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v”.
During ze fifz year ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of cours be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls ofr difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
Mental Health Outsourcing:
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Slow Down
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks
Senility
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
To which she responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
To which she responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Gotta love this doctor!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular
exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so
many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat
more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What
does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So
a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also
a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork
chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy
is distilled wine, that means they take
the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
that way. Beer is also made out of grain.Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat
ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to
one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages
of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think
of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these
days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could
getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from
getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it
gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger
stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa
beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain
whales to me.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand - chocolate in
the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,
'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular
exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so
many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat
more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What
does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So
a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also
a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork
chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy
is distilled wine, that means they take
the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
that way. Beer is also made out of grain.Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat
ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to
one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages
of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think
of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these
days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could
getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from
getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it
gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger
stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa
beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain
whales to me.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand - chocolate in
the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,
'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'
first time
A young man having sex for the first time
His girl’s friend says "let do a 69"
“What" he replies "whets a 69?”
She explains to him and he positions himself accordingly.
she reacts with a little fart and says “O I am sorry”
He continues on DATY and she lets another fart go.
The boy friend gets up
she says “Honey where are you going “
He replies “if you think I am staying for the other 67 hell on you”:
A young man having sex for the first time
His girl’s friend says "let do a 69"
“What" he replies "whets a 69?”
She explains to him and he positions himself accordingly.
she reacts with a little fart and says “O I am sorry”
He continues on DATY and she lets another fart go.
The boy friend gets up
she says “Honey where are you going “
He replies “if you think I am staying for the other 67 hell on you”:
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