Joke Thread

[naughtylady]

You just have to love a good Nurse

THE SCENARIO OPENS AS:

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that he may have had a second surgery the doctors hadn't to ld him about, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough that he could see what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.


Written in large black letters was the sentence:


'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

 

[Agrippa]

Dick Cavett quote

"I went to a Chinese-German restaurant. The food is great, but an hour later you're hungry for power."

- Dick Cavett​

 

[Agrippa]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

[Doc Holliday]

The Russian & the Redneck

A Russian And A Redneck Wrestler Were Set To Square Off For The Olympic Gold Medal.
Before The Final Match, The Redneck Wrestler's Trainer Came To Him And Said, "now, Don't Forget All The Research We've Done On This Russian.
He's Never Lost A Match Because Of This 'pretzel' Hold He Has. Whatever You Do, Do Not Let Him Get You In That Hold! If He Does, You're Finished."
The Redneck Nodded In Acknowledgment.
As The Match Started, The Redneck And The Russian Circled Each Other Several Times, Looking For An Opening.
All Of A Sudden, The Russian Lunged Forward, Grabbing The Redneck And Wrapping Him Up In The Dreaded Pretzel Hold. A Sigh Of Disappointment Arose From The Crowd And The Trainer Buried His Face In His Hands, For He Knew All Was Lost. He Couldn't Watch The Inevitable Happen.
Suddenly, There Was A Scream, Then A Cheer From The Crowd And The Trainer Raised His Eyes Just In Time To Watch The Russian Go Flying Up In The Air.
His Back Hit The Mat With A Thud And The Redneck Collapsed On Top Of Him Making The Pin And Winning The Match. The Trainer Was Astounded.
When He Finally Got His Wrestler Alone, He Asked, "how Did You Ever Get Out Of That Hold? No One Has Ever Done It Before!"
The Wrestler Answered, "well, I Was Ready To Give Up When He Got Me In That Hold But At The Last Moment, I Opened My Eyes And Saw This Pair Of Testicles Right In Front Of My Face.
I Had Nothing To Lose So With My Last Ounce Of Strength I Stretched Out My Neck And Bit Those Babies Just As Hard As I Could."
So The Trainer Exclaimed, "that's What Finished Him Off!"
"Not Really. You'd Be Amazed How Strong You Get When You Bite Your Own Nuts."

 

[Agrippa]

Elephant

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?​

 

[mr.magoo]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=810TQyT2KXI



classic boy do i miss him!!

 

[Justforfun]

Your next Presidential candidate

Ok this one I have to share with everyone.

http://www.thelopezfamilyonline.com/play.php?first=MERB&last=Hobbyist

Click the link and click the Play Icon

Laugh Guaranteed ........... Unless you're dead

Wait till they get a load of us

 

[metoo4]

Ok this one I have to share with everyone.

http://www.thelopezfamilyonline.com/play.php?first=MERB&last=Hobbyist

Cool! I already nominated a few buddies...

 

[Agrippa]

The Whore of Mensa

The Whore of Mensa

by

Woody Allen​

 

[metoo4]

It's just that some peoples have a different opinion of what a joke is. That pie isn't part of my opinion of a joke. It's disgusting.

 

[neverbored]

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure:

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks, and the first time someone came below at night, with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before the cause was determined. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term, "Ship High In Transit" which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I always thought it was a golf term.

 

[neverbored]

A man goes hunting and shoots a deer!

He takes it home, cooks it and gives it to his 2 children (boy and girl).
He says to them, I'm not telling you what it is but I will give you a clue
he says ' It's what your mother sometimes calls me'

The little girl screams and says ' don't eat it! its a fucking assehole'

 

[neverbored]

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed. "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that." the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessar. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish but if you don't mind, I'llkeep the last one for myself.

"Wow" that's great" the husband said. I wish for a million dollars in my bank account every month" "No problem said the genie.

"Now it's time for your wish" the genie said to the wife. "Oh I want a home in every country of the world. "Granted said the genie.

"And now" the couple said in unison."What is your wish?"

The genie replied, "I have been trapped in this bottle for a long time and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife"

The couple talked in over and figured that is the least they could do for the genie that has given them so much.

So the genie and the woman went upstairs and spent the entire afternoon making love.
After about three hours, the genie looked directly into her eyes and said "How old are you and your husband?" She said they were both 35.

The genie replied, "No kidding, thirty five years old.... and both of you still believe in genies!"

 

[neverbored]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

 

[naughtylady]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,'' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me!'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't actually get laid, I've got nothing left to live for.

 

[korbel]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

Hello JAG,

OMG...bwahahahahaha,

Loved it,

Korbie

 

[Estrie boy]

Une blague de coiffeur!
Un punk entre dans un salon de coiffure et s'assoit à côté d'une Religieuse
Après l'avoir dévisagée, il lui demande si elle ne voudrait pas faire
l'amour avec lui ! Horrifiée, la soeur se lève et part immédiatement du
salon. Le coiffeur témoin de la scène, dit au punk : 'Si tu veux
sérieusement coucher avec elle, je connais un moyen infaillible. Rends-toi
au cimetière à minuit et fais-toi passer pour Dieu, elle ne pourra pas
résister !' Le punk se déguise en Dieu avec un drap blanc et une barbe. Il
se rend donc à minuit au cimetière et voit la soeur en train de prier. Le
punk surgit soudain et lui dit : ' Je suis Dieu ! Si tu souhaites vraiment
que tes prières s'accomplissent, tu dois t'unir à moi dans une relation
charnelle.' Après un moment de réflexion, la soeur répond :' Ok mais comme
je tiens à rester vierge, faites ça par l'arrière'. Alors le punk tout
heureux s'occupe de la soeur...puis tout de suite après, très fier de lui,
il se relève, enlève le drap et dit en ricanant 'Ah ah ah ! Coucou ! Je ne
suis pas Dieu ! je suis le Punk !!!' Alors la soeur enlève son voile et lui
dit : 'Ah ah ah ! Coucou ! je ne suis pas la soeur ! Je suis le
coiffeur.... '

 

[Ben Dover]

It's just that some peoples have a different opinion of what a joke is. That pie isn't part of my opinion of a joke. It's disgusting.

No, it's only disgusting if you're the one eating it!

If you are in on the joke it's as funny as hell. Trust me!

Is there a bad piece of pie in your past that you would like share with the group?

BD

 

[metoo4]

No, it's only disgusting if you're the one eating it!

If you are in on the joke it's as funny as hell. Trust me!

Is there a bad piece of pie in your past that you would like share with the group?

BD

Indeed very funny... If you're a retarded teen or an adult who's still at the retarded teen stage, plenty of these in the world! I know some 40yo retarded teen!
Adult are expected to have learned something called "respect for others" and such action show a total lack of it.

 

[Dragon]

Glazed over

A cop pulls over a guy.
"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"