Joke Thread

[Just_Jay]

Condom sizes

A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store
and walks up to the girl at checkout #3.
He asks her, "Do you guys have condom here?".

She says "Sure. What size are you?".

"I don't know" he replies.

"Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She
unzips his pants,takes a feel, and then she says
over the intercom,"EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS
TO AISLE 3 PLEASE.EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS
TO AISLE 3."

They bring the condoms and the man pays for them
and leaves. Then, a thirty year old man walks into
the store and up to checkout #3.He asks the girl,
"Do you sell condoms here?".

The cashier replies,"Sure, but what size do you
need?". He says "Well, I don't know."

She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his
pants, takes a couple of tugs and then says over
the intercom,"LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE
3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."

They bring the condoms and the man pays for them
and leaves.

Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to
get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and
asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any
condoms here?".

"Yep" she says. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know" he says.

She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says
over the intercom,"CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE.
CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3".

 

[Just_Jay]

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady
nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged,
and one Texan turned to the other and said, "that little gal
is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head
in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping,
she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping,
she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt,
pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young
woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger
and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with
his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that
hind-lick maneuver always works."

 

[Regular Guy]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.

 

[heretoread]

blond joke

Blond girls heard announcement on the radio that snow storm was on is way and all car owners where ask to park there car on pair address side of the street.
Two days later the radio announces that another snow storm and asks all drivers to park there car on impair addressee side of the street.

A week latter she was listen to the radio announcing another snow storm and telling car owner to park there car ………..she was interrupted by her cell phone and wasn’t able to get all the information so she said to her self hell on them I’ll keep my car in the garage today

 

[Regular Guy]

Understanding Women

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

 

[heretoread]

fbi agent test

3 blonds where summit to pass a test to become FBI agents

A side shot photo profile of a Most Wanted was shown to them.

The first blond observe that the Most Wanted had only one eye

The second blond observe the Most Wanted had just one ear.

The third blond came to a concluded that the Most Wanted wore a contacted lens.
The Captain was impress by the 3rd blond conclusion and asks
" what made YOU think that he wearing a contact lens."

Well she said "since he’s got only one eye and one ear"

 

[metoo4]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=5HUsO_RY5GM&feature=related

Wish they were are like her !!!!

Most are like her! All she want is to catch him saying something she can hold against him and then hit him with it!

 

[naughtylady]

The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"




Ronnie,
Naughtylady

 

[Dukestar]

What could be nicer than a vase of beautiful flowers on a piano .... how about twolips on an organ.

 

[naughtylady]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful
and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the
cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take
off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather
expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky
enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so
she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and
innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and
said, "These damn girls' night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect
the worst. My wife came home with no panties."

"You think that's bad" said the other husband, "Mine is lying in bed with a
card stuck in her butt that says: "From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."

 

[naughtylady]

Document Theory

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.

People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.


....I think this is greak advice, it worked for me

Ronnie,
Naughtylady

 

[jackd1959]

a couple get married and head off for the honeymoon...when they arrive at the hotel room the husband takes off his pants and throws them to his wife saying...
"Hey, put these on!"

His wife laughs and puts on his pants (which are way too large for her) and she exclaims, "Honey, I can't wear your pants!"

to which the husband says in a stern manner..."That's right woman, and I want you to remember that...I wear the pants in this family!!!"

miffed the wife takes off her panties and throws them at his head telling him to "try these on!"

He laughs exclaiming... "I can't get into your panties!"

To which she replies..."That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your damn attitude changes!!!"

 

[Dee]

The info in the link says it all:
http://youporn.com/watch/194790/melissamatters-gets-golf-ball-stuck/

So that's why golfers shout: "Fore"...

She'd make an interesting caddy....

 

[AllOverHer]

Renting vs. Buying
Someone did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and being married men, we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right? But...

Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+ million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22-year-old hot babe; no begging; no coaxing; never a headache; wide open menu; ability to put BOTH legs around you; no bitching, complaining, or "to do" lists.
Best of all, she leaves when you're done and comes back the next day, ready
for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

 

[naughtylady]

WE working girls have been saying it is better to rent for a long time now

Ronnie,
Naughtylady

 

[nacho]

Wellll DUUUUHHHHH!!!

This has been my mantra for years!! read the signature!!

 

[naughtylady]

Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Ehr, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

 

[naughtylady]

An Easy Enough Mistake

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

[Dee]

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Great one.... took half a second to click in!!!

 

[JH Fan]

Here's a nice picture of a girl practicing her pole dancing .... what's wrong with this picture?
http://www.phun.org/newspics/funny_friday/2917.jpg

Maybe try this one !

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=4237350