Joke Thread

[Regular Guy]

Close Call

BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

Towards the end a day at the golf course, Bruce hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Fred where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SWING"

 

[beautydigger]

A beautiful, sexy blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another beautiful, sexy blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,

"You dumb beautiful, sexy blonde bimbo! It's beautiful, sexy blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

 

[Ben Dover]

Indeed very funny... If you're a retarded teen or an adult who's still at the retarded teen stage, plenty of these in the world! I know some 40yo retarded teen!
Adult are expected to have learned something called "respect for others" and such action show a total lack of it.

I prefer to keep my sense of humor. You know you are "old" when you no longer "get" what the kids find funny.

I would however like to settle this disagreement like gentlemen... Would you like to come over to visit me at my house? We can chat over some tea and home made custard pie....

BD

 

[beautydigger]

What do smart beautiful blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.

 

[metoo4]

I prefer to keep my sense of humor. You know you are "old" when you no longer "get" what the kids find funny.

I would however like to settle this disagreement like gentlemen... Would you like to come over to visit me at my house? We can chat over some tea and home made custard pie....

BD

Agreed, when you don't "get" what the kids find funny, you're getting old but, when you still "get" it and can figure-out what's acceptable or not, you're getting wiser. Understanding what some can find funny is ok but, understanding why it's totally stupid and unacceptable is even better!

My 12yo nephew, who I showed this clip to, told me point blank that was totally stupid, without any cue from myself. He's no geek either, he's an accomplished hockey player who'd rather go outside than read a book. Makes you wonder, hu?

 

[Agrippa]

Freestyle Rap Battle Translated

Freestyle Rap Battle Translated​

 

[Agrippa]

Things You Can Only Say Only On Thanksgiving

Things You Can Only Say Only On Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

 

[Agrippa]

Fail

http://failblog.org/

 

[Agrippa]

Why I fired my secretary...

Why I fired my secretary...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday!"

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".

"OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked...

 

[Shiver MeTimber]

$50 is $50

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'


Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, But that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty
dollars'


One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'


To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'


The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge You! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'


Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.


When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'


Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

 

[Shiver MeTimber]

Mechanic/Surgeon

A mechanic and a surgeon are sitting in a bar. The mechanic says, "Hey doc, I do the same stuff you do. I take apart the valves and parts of this engine and when I'm done it works like new. Why is it you get paid so much more than I do when we're basically doing the same work?" The surgeon put down his drink, turned to the mechanic and said, "Try doing that with the engine running."

 

[Just_Jay]

Vibrator Story

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange
buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go
away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get
to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming
from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her
husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

 

[CLAVIE]

...

http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=r-FBHbnb4lA

 

[Shiver MeTimber]

Achmed.....LOL ( approx. 10 min.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go



Happy Halloween

 

[Shiver MeTimber]

Halloween.....ie

> A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
> >VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
> >She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to
> ask,
> >but I don't want to offend you.'
> >
> >She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.
> >When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you
> >get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
> >there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
> >
> >'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
> >
> >She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
> to
> >be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
> >
> >
> >The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and
> Catholic!'
> >
> >'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
> >
> >The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
> blush.
> >
> >But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
> >
> >'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
> >
> >'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married
> and I'm
> >Jewish.'
> >
> >The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
> Halloween
> >party.'

 

[beautydigger]

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

 

[Regular Guy]

Deer Camp!

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Good morning," he said.

The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night.

Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

 

[naughtylady]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.


The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.


The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'im-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.


The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'im-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.


Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?


After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

 

[ethyl]

Two sperms were swimming together. One ask the other: " Are we far from the ovary ? Stupid question says the other, we just get by the tonsils."

 

[Agrippa]

The heretic

One man was walking across a bridge one day, and saw someone standing on the edge, about to jump off. The man ran over and cried out:

"Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?"
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well, are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist!"
"Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the" Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed" Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
"Die, heretic scum!"
​

And the man pushed him off the bridge.