Question for the ladies: Sex with your loved ones

[curly]

@mattmiller I like what you are adding to the conversation. But again it's not only how I feel about it. I'm trying to make it remain good for her. I'm not worried about now. She still likes oatmeal very much! Lol! I'm just worried about the future, even the not so distant future.

And I guess you're hitting the nail on the head here: if I assume we are sincere with each other and she's telling me the truth, which I have no reason doubting, I should believe what she says.

 

[ShyMan]

You are thinking too much, curly. Let your relationship with her blossom. Love between two people deepens with trust -- trusting oneself and trusting the other person. Game over, if you don't trust yourself. Ain't nobody trying to be sanctimonious here thus far, except perhaps in your mind. Let love between you and your SO grow. You know what to do and you seem to have the answers you need. Good luck.

 

[jalimon]

Shyman is correct in my opinion. You cannot be a number because when you are in love you don't count

Cheers,

 

[CaptRenault]

I am in a relationship with a woman who has started escorting a few months ago...She keeps telling me it's different, that there is love and affection when we have sex, but I cannot help feeling like a number on her list...And before anyone asks the question, there is no exchange of money between us...

I know you asked this question of the ladies, but I will take the liberty of replying.

Your first statement is ambiguous. Did the relationship start before or after she started escorting? It sounds like she started escorting after she was already in a relationship with you. If so, then that would be worrisome to me.

It sounds like she was not getting the resources (cash, housing, transportation, clothes, jewelry, food, whatever) that she wants and needs from you and so she decided to seek them elsewhere, i.e. from multiple other men. She is hedging her bets. She may like you and think that you have the potential to give her the resources she wants, but she's not getting them now.

I would advise you to be very careful to not get yourself into a situation that you will later regret. First and foremost, take every possible precaution to not get her pregnant. If you get her pregnant, then you will have committed yourself to providing some support for the kid and probably for her too.

I would not trust her profession of love for you. If I were you, I would enjoy the free sex while it lasts, but I would pull away from her emotionally. Think of her and treat her as a "friend with benefits"-nothing more, nothing less. If she then pulls away from you, so be it. You had fun while it lasted.

 

[curly]

CaptRenault, wise advice and thanks for your tune to write.

Indeed our relationship started before she decided to escort, but she is not doing it for the reasons you are describing. I was never to be the sole provider if all the resources she needed and she tells me it's easier for her psychologically to see men for a short time that maintain several relationships. That's her choice and I understand and respect it.

And yes we're more very close good friends with benefits rather than the love of each other's life (does this really exist anyway...). But I nevertheless care a lot for her. I'm not an insensitive cold hearted man what can i say, and we have developed a relationship on our own terms.

As for getting her pregnant, absolutely impossible, worry not!

 

[Flyingby]

And yes we're more very close good friends with benefits rather than the love of each other's life (does this really exist anyway...). But I nevertheless care a lot for her. I'm not an insensitive cold hearted man what can i say, and we have developed a relationship on our own terms.

!

So your inital quote talks about love. Your question relates to love. But yet you are at best fwb. Did you start this thread to simply tell us you are dating an escort?

 

[ShyMan]

Did you start this thread to simply tell us you are dating an escort?

:doh:
I'm beginning to think the same, Flyingby. Perhaps we should give OP the benefit of doubt . . . .

 

[curly]

And who do you think you are to believe I'm trying to impress you?

My question was not to you, it was for the ladies or whomever is capable to make a thoughtful contribution like captrenault above

 

[MelodieIndy]

We all need to work because we have financial obligations - everyone does -
The field we choose to work in has to do with various characteristics, the schedule, our interests, how it makes us feel.
Sexwork is often chosen because it offers the freedom of flexible schedules and also because it makes us feel like we bring something positive in the lives of people, for example.
Sexwork is work. Yes she started sexwork after the relationship started, but she might as well have started to work in an office or as a cashier at IGA. Doesn't make any difference in my opinion.

But that's not the point, sorry I got carried away lol
I concur with EdaBlackwood's replies.
From my point of view (and your girlfriend's point of view might be different. she doesn't automatically thinks like me because she's a sexworker)
* I can have and I do have sex. Plenty. If I was bored of having sex with my boyfriend, I would either tell him that I'm not feeling like it or, I just wouldn't bother and leave him
* It's a field of work in which we give a lot. Physically and emotionally (and it'S perfectly okay, because that's what this is about). And one of the major differences (to me) is that in my personal relationships it's more of an equal exchange of giving and receiving, both physically and (especially) emotionally
* We do care about our clients. And we also do care about our friends and family. What makes it different when we choose to develop something deeper with someone? Love is very complex and can take many different forms. What makes a romantic partnership different from any other kinds of relationships? The answer probably is different for everyone

True reciprocal intimacy is something beautiful and powerful <3
it normal and it is okay to question it and to doubt it. and no matter what any of us tell you, you're the only one who knows what feels right and what feels true to you
xoxoxoxo

 

[curly]

We all need to work because we have financial obligations - everyone does -

Indeed....

* I can have and I do have sex. Plenty. If I was bored of having sex with my boyfriend, I would either tell him that I'm not feeling like it

And she would tell me, I know her....

* It's a field of work in which we give a lot. Physically and emotionally (and it'S perfectly okay, because that's what this is about). And one of the major differences (to me) is that in my personal relationships it's more of an equal exchange of giving and receiving, both physically and (especially) emotionally

True... Many people told me here I should listen to her instead to listening to my inner voice... and I think you guys are right.

it normal and it is okay to question it and to doubt it. and no matter what any of us tell you, you're the only one who knows what feels right and what feels true to you

Thanks a lot Jasmine. People have been saying that I contradict myself in this thread and that is true enough. Feelings are, by definition, not rational! I don't think you can tell someone "You shouldn't feel like this" or "Don't take it personal". Feelings just exist, messy and irrational, and they are related to our perception of the world. You cannot force yourself to not feel something. But it's what you do with these feelings that can make things right or mess them seriously, hence my reflection here.

You compare the sex work as an equal alternative to working at IGA. I'm not sure there is the same level of intimacy and interaction between a cashier and her clients! lol! However, you could compare this with a therapist, listening, caring and empathizing with their clients all day vs the relationships he/she has at home. At times, his/her significant other may wonder whether this therapist is genuinely listening to them, is sincere in their caring or if they are just wearing their professional "self" with them. And they may be so tired of listening and caring all day that they are exhausted when they come home. I've never done sex work, but I have worked with people as an advisor and I know how that part feels.

It takes trust. And Sam21, you're right, I should just stop questioning myself and go with the flow. As I mentioned, it's not the feeling special I worry about, it's the wear on the relationship after a while, the things that go unsaid. There is a halo of secrecy that comes with sex work, for a good reason. Just like the therapist in my example above cannot talk about all his clients/files with his /her partner. But that does not mean they live nothing inside, except they keep most of it inside. I just ope we can keep the open communication.

As I said, it's not because she is not (at least not yet!) the love of my life that I don't care about her or about this relationship.

 

[hungry101]

Read Capt. Renault's input twice and then read it again. I am waiting for the great soothsayer, Patron to write some sage words of advise. I would also like to here from Protagoras and WAY and others that have been full-circle with escort/girlfriends.

I am torn because the women that do this job and do it well can be the most manipulative women on the planet and they have a habit of getting their way. Having said this, I say go for it but be prepared. I have been fucked over by several women and I have a bit of a black heart but there is still one special girl for me and I find myself fantasizing about her when I am doing escorts so wtf do I know? I would keep addresses, bank accounts, and last names separate for a while if not for ever because once you think you know her is when you get the dagger in the back...and it is not just with escorts. I would say enjoy the free sex but nothing is free. Just keep that in mind I guess: Nothing is free. People change. They grow tired of one another. Have an exit plan and play the game well.

P.S. - If you have had a vasectomy, I would take the extra step to go back and make sure that the procedure was successful. Most guys do not do this.

 

[curly]

I would keep addresses, bank accounts, and last names separate for a while if not for ever because once you think you know her is when you get the dagger in the back...and it is not just with escorts.

Oh yeah... would do this with any relationship anyways! You can trust someone with your heart, but never with your bank account....

People change. They grow tired of one another. Have an exit plan and play the game well.

True... but can you live in a world where everyone is cynical about each other? You cannot accuse someone of something he/she might do. In the mean time, how do you live with each other?

 

[hungry101]

Oh yeah... would do this with any relationship anyways! You can trust someone with your heart, but never with your bank account....
True... but can you live in a world where everyone is cynical about each other? You cannot accuse someone of something he/she might do. In the mean time, how do you live with each other?

No. No I cannot. There is always some balance though. Partners, over time, develop other reasons of mutual interest to stay together and while many of those reasons may be the result of sex they are not sex or no longer sexual. You will know when it is right. Overtime, she may be the one that you may cast your lot with and then you are with her through thick and thin and willing/obligated to accept all her baggage etc. This is not a sexual thing.

I just had a mutual friend who after a few decades, his wife left him for another man and then shortly after, is diagnosed with breast cancer. Turns out that the other guy didn't want the damaged goods and my friend took her back. Another guy I know has a fickle wife who left him for greener pastures after 20+ years and then, after he gets his life back on track, she admits it was a mistake and wants him back. Too late. That ship has sailed. Why is it men can compartmentalize and cheat and the next day go back to their wives and families and women get a piece of strange and right away want to set up house with the new person? Is it because more often than not, financially, they have less to lose? This is my trepidation. I wouldn't venture into a relationship with a SO that has significantly less earning power than I do...and I mean sustainable earning power that they pay taxes on. We all know too many extremely successful men that are living in a cheap apartment with a roommate while their ex-wives are living on a handsome estate.

 

[curly]

Found some interesting stuff in here:

http://tradesecretsguide.blogspot.com/search/label/Our Relationships

Any reaction?

 

[jalimon]

In the Your partner paragraph Jealousy comes out often... Exactly like I wrote here in previous post. And as i wrote I personally think you are way above regular joe to be able to go out with an escort. Hats off to you!

Cheers,

 

[curly]

In the Your partner paragraph Jealousy comes out often... Exactly like I wrote here in previous post. And as i wrote I personally think you are way above regular joe to be able to go out with an escort. Hats off to you!

Cheers,

It's interesting... honestly, I guess I just don't see her as an escort, because I've known her for years. I see her as herself, she would could be working at a bank, for that matter, it would be her business. I'm really not the jealous type. Besides, I like to explore sexually, so I don't impose on others limits I don't put on myself first... :nono:

What I worry about is exactly what they call "whore fatigue" in this article. And apparently, I'm not wrong worrying about it if they went through the trouble of writing this...

 

[Stockton]

What I worry about is exactly what they call "whore fatigue" in this article. And apparently, I'm not wrong worrying about it if they went through the trouble of writing this...

Other occupations have the same thing too. I have 3 relatives who are chefs, two of them never cook at home and let their spouse cook, the third one loves to cook for the whole family still.

People are just different.

 

[jalimon]

Other occupations have the same thing too. I have 3 relatives who are chefs, two of them never cook at home and let their spouse cook, the third one loves to cook for the whole family still.

People are just different.

Stockton I have been in the hotel industry early in my life. You know the reason Chef do not cook at home? Because they do not like the equipment haha

Cheers,

 

[curly]

Other occupations have the same thing too. I have 3 relatives who are chefs, two of them never cook at home and let their spouse cook, the third one loves to cook for the whole family still.

People are just different.

Hence my analogy with Oatmeal! lol!

So then, this is the meaning of my question, does "Sex with your loved ones" feels like cooking again or does it feel like finally someone is cooking for you?

@Jalimon, thank she seems to like my equipment.....