Have you ever gotten emotionally involved with an SP or a client?

[General Gonad]

Sometimes, it's best to keep our secret for us. I realized this too late in one of my relationship. Some things should never be told, even if your SO is very understanding.

100% bang on. Why risk hurting someone you truly care for because you want to be honest with them? This 'hobby' is there to fulfill some superficial needs of mine but it is not something I would share with my SO. I do not give a f_ck about my feelings while I am passing through hobbyland but I do care about my SO's feelings.

GG

P.S. I have remorses but I am not ready to stop right now. Only an idiot would claim that he has no remorses while professing his love to his SO.

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

Wise words

I agree 100%.
Someone has to be an ass hole to open up to his SO about his "hobby". If he has remorses, he just has to stop hobbying and shut his big mouth.

I agree with you.

A few years back, a buddy of mine from France who I used to visit the clubs and massage parlours of a certain Asian country said something that stuck with me: "Admitting infidelity to your wife is a selfish act in the end, because what you are doing is unburdening yourself of your guilt and shifting it onto the other person's shoulders."

My first marriage ended after I admitted a single adulterous adventure to my SO. It took a year and a half for the final break, but it was a slow, inexorable process that started because I felt too "guilty" to keep my mouth shut. When I explained the story to an old friend and mentor, he looked stunned for a moment, then said, "That was really stupid." He went on to give another word of wise advise that I have since stuck to: "Never, never admit adultery to your wife. They will never forget it. No matter what they have on you, just deny, deny, deny." This guy was in the CIA (I'm pretty sure anyway), so maybe he went overboard on the denying part, but you get the general drift.

My second wife is from a polygamous culture, so she's really laid back. I have absolutely no need to hide my not-overly-frequent massage-parlour and stripclub adventures (I've never engaged the services of an escort in Canada). My wife's only strict rule is that I don't mess with her friends. I think that is more than fair, so I've stuck by it, although it can be difficult sometimes, since my wife tends to have a lot of really good-looking girlfriends.

 

[sapman99]

Hypocrisy

long-term committed relationship. I am not advocating this and yes, it can harm your relationship, especially if you tend to neglect problems. But it can also help you pass through a tough time in your life.

How committed can it be? When I quit MERB last night (before 11PM), I counted you had racked up 27 posts during the day. Committed to MERB is what you are.

After revealing my escapades to my ex, our relationship changed. We are now very good friends. In fact, it seems I am now the one with a choice: I think she is ready for us to get back together...

Are you serious? Are you saying that an ex-SP that keeps this to herself hinders her prospects of enjoying a deep, committed relationship?

How deep can it be if she doubts her guy too much to reveal this? Or think the guy is too shallow to understand?

A little empathy here sapman....if I were an ex-SP, I wouldn't share this part of my life with my significant other.

I have all the empathy in the world for SP's and would date one at the drop of a hat. Wouldn't make a drop of a difference in the equation.

I wonder if you (and others who've responded), have the same open-mindedness: it's okay for you to meet SP's now, but you'd never date a woman if you knew she had been one. So, you're projecting onto others what you feel.

My two morning cents.

 

[General Gonad]

Since I am not saying the things you want to hear, I will henceforth refrain from posting in any of your threads.

No, you are preaching but you obviously do not understand this. Look at the title of your last post ("Hypocrisy") and explain to me how I or married men shouldn't take this personally?

Just before I sign off this one though: I CARE deeply about my ex. We lived together for 5 years, okay. Just because we didn't have a piece of paper binding us doesn't lessen our relationship.

Well if you CARED deeply about her then you should have thought twice before telling her about your hobbying escapades.

My two cents.

GG

P.S. I couldn't care less if you stop posting on my threads.

 

[Just-ass-weet]

Oh Boy - here we go!

A few points from the SPs (and at one time - married) perspective.

First the SP perspective since that is my most recent experience:

- I would NEVER get into a relationship with any man without telling him that I was an escort. This business and what I have done will forever be a part of who I am... it changed me, and I believe that for the most part... I am changed for the better. Lies are not a solid basis for a relationship and I have nothing to be ashamed of.

- I would not, of course, reveal this to everyone I meet, but I would definitely do this BEFORE he got anywhere near my bedroom (refer to my post earlier in this thread)

Now as a SO

- I spent my entire marriage being debased and told that I was paranoid, jealous, possessive - etc... because my ex would cheat and when I would find stuff out, he would deny. It took me years to rebuild my self-confidence, I was convinced that I was the problem and that he was the good guy. So do I think that it is better to deny and leave your SO thinking she may be insane, or is it better to tell her the truth - TELL HER THE TRUTH.

- You can BS everyone (and yourself) and say you are being "so unselfish" by not opening up to your SO - but the fact is you are not telling her because you are scared shitless that she is strong enough not to take your BS and up and leave, or because you are so ashamed of yourself you cannot face what you have done or because you are not interested in stopping what you are doing.

- There is an unhappy medium - since betraying someones love is never a happy affair - do what you do, but if you get caught, have the decency to admit your wrong-doing.

xoxox
Anik

 

[Joe.t]

How committed can it be? When I quit MERB last night (before 11PM), I counted you had racked up 27 posts during the day. Committed to MERB is what you are.

Actually he finished with 36 posts which must be a record, there is a name for this.

 

[Just-ass-weet]

There is another good reason for not opening up and telling your SO about your activities. If she doesn't know what you're doing, telling her about your activities will cause her pain that she doesn't need to suffer.

Now, I am not being judgemental when I say this... no one does everything right and we all make some regretful decisions in our lifetime, some of those decisions may even end up ruining the best thing we ever had. Life's like that. When we choose to betray someone who loves us, we choose to cause pain and suffering in our relationship. Period. A person doesn't choose that outright... but the fact is, one day we may get caught and the odds, generally, rarely, run in our favor. In other words, we are very very likely to get caught and cause pain and suffering.

I don't believe that most guys don't tell in order to save pain and suffering from their SO... I am sorry, I believe that those still involved in the hobby don't tell because they don't want to stop. Those that are no longer in the hobby may not be talking for better reasons, but all of them are selfish - to tell me otherwise is full of it. Sorry to be blunt, but I have been on both sides of this fence and I have YET to meet one guy who can claim otherwise.

Just like for us SPs - some of us will hide the truth, claiming we don't want to hurt our SOs feelings - BS - if we hide the truth about our past - somewhere - somehow - it will come up and then the person who loved us, won't know us, won't trust us - we'd be strangers. Not being able to open up not only limits how someone can know us, it limits how we can know them.

That is my OPINION... plain and simple.

xoxox
Anik

 

[Just-ass-weet]

You have met him. You had sushi with him not two weeks back.

Not wanting to stop and not wanting to hurt your SO with information she doesn't need aren't mutually exclusive.

I love you to death regnad - but it cannot prevent me from telling you the truth - I have NEVER met a man for whom this statement is true. I know you can fight tooth and nail with proofs - but the fact it - cannot swallow it... sorry

xoxox
Anik

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

Kiss and tell--Is is wise?

I couldn't said it better. Thank you for sharing your story.

Of course, it's also a selfish act to keep it for yourself because you want to protect your double life. BUT like I said, if you really want to do a mea culpa, just STOP that double life, no need to "open up".

Just-Ass-Sweet, I agree in essence with most of what you say: respect for the SO should always be the bottom line. In the past, I've been on both sides of a cheating relationship, so I can relate to some degree how unpleasant it can be for a woman when she finds out her husband has been seeing other women. But experience has taught me that woman and men are not hardwired to handle "being cheated on" in a way that minimizes damage. For this reason I feel martinl68 summed it up best when he wrote "just STOP that double life, no need to 'open up'". If someone feels that he has made a mistake and truly regrets it, then the first step is to STOP. The second step is to become a better husband and work hard to make your wife happy. This will be your way of saying "I'm sorry" to your wife. Don't we always say that actions speak louder than words.

The alternative is to come clean. BUT if you do this you must accept that you stand an very good chance of losing your wife and kids as well as giving your wife scars that will last a lifetime. You will tell inform her of your activities out of love and respect, but she will likely always hate you for it.

Just-Ass-Sweet and Maxima, as you are both of the feminine persuasion, I don't expect you to willingly accept or understand my idea about "not coming clean as an unselfish act." But then this advice was passed down to me by men and I am primarily passing it on to other men. Just as I have to accept that there are certain codes in the feminine world that you women, including my wife, live by but which I don't understand or agree with, so to must you accept that there are codes that apply only in the world of men.

 

[Just-ass-weet]

Just-Ass-Sweet and Maxima, as you are both of the feminine persuasion, I don't expect you to willingly accept or understand my idea about "not coming clean as an unselfish act."

Actually, Maxima is MALE, but I am most definitely FEMALE.

I agree with you that men have their own ways - but even your own explanation leads back to a fear for themselves (lose of family, SO, etc), not their SO.
xoxox
Anik

 

[gtadick]

What's he gonna do?

Can anyone fathom what this 2 week suspension is going to do to GG?

This will be worse than a cocaine addict going cold turkey!

Wait I'll bet he finds another forum and just keeps chugging along!

 

[Techman]

Everyone tries to say the reason they would never tell their SO about their 'extra curricular activities' is because they don't want to hurt them, to cause them distress, etc...

I think the real reason is to save themselves from being taken to the cleaners in the divorce which would quickly follow such a disclosure.

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

The Measure of a Man

Actually, Maxima is MALE, but I am most definitely FEMALE.

I agree with you that men have their own ways - but even your own explanation leads back to a fear for themselves (lose of family, SO, etc), not their SO.
xoxox
Anik

Of course there is fear for oneself and what one will lose. That's a given. But very often the overriding fear is what effect the event will have on the wife and children. No sane man wants to hurt his wife and if he has already done so by cheating then he should at least have the courage to make it stop there. Sometimes the measure of a man is his ability to keep his mouth shut when it really counts.

Are you sure Maxima is male? From Maxima's posts I've always gotten the image of an older woman, somebody who looks like Cindy Sheehan but who is more opinionated.

 

[Just-ass-weet]

Tell me this, Anik. If I am seeing SPs and my wife doesn't know and doesn't suspect and I am not getting emotionally involved, nor am I spending money that I can't afford to spend, what purpose would be served by my telling her and heaping that pain upon her?

You truly believe women are that stupid? That we couldn't possibly already know? But let's believe for a moment that we are idiots and that we have NO clue.

Do you truly believe that most men do NOT get involved with the SPs they see. Almost every single one of the gentlemen that DO get that deeply involved are the ones who are married, who love their wives, who still have sex with their wives. But let's believe for a moment that that also doesn't happen.

What purpose does seeing an SP serve? Whatever it serves is also what the purpose of telling your SO serves... but, I believe that most of the men who are married or have SOs aren't committed to working on what makes them turn to SPs, they are seeking out convenient excuses for doing it and continuing to do it instead.

I cannot even begin to explain how many times I have heard the same reasons over and over again. She won't do this, she's not into that, she's not into me, she's gained too much weight, she's, etc... I would say 99% of the time the blame for doing what they are doing is placed on their SO. I will concede, maybe one or two percent who are married don't do that, and take full responsibility for their actions, but again, I have yet to meet those two.

I am not judging anyone, you have to look at your own bigger picture, but using the excuse of protecting HER is ridiculous - you can spin it a million ways - it still is a bunch of Horsee Pooh-pooh.

Martin - Like I said, you have to judge your own situation, certainly, my opinion has no weight in someone else's life. As for the comparison to masterbation, well, then, why not masterbate and not see SPs? Thing is, when having sexual relations with ANYONE other than your SO you are taking some risks - including some health issues - even if you don't go for GFE style entertainment... masterbation carries no such risk.

xoxox
Anik

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

The moral: It is o.k for your wife to have sex with male sps and not telling you. It is o.k for your wife to have a one night stand with a stranger when she traveled as long as she paid for it. Well, it just likes masturbation, you don't tell her and she does not tell you. I wonder what would happen when you caught her regular sexual generousness with starngers/male sps and her unselfish act of hiding it from you. And I am not talking about one single act that happened in a moment of weakness.

I have to agree with you. It would be hypocritical to apply one set of standards to oneself and another to one's wife.

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

Again, my question. Other than to cause her great pain, what purpose would my telling her what I really do on my trips to Montreal have served?

Your question makes me think of the Zen koan: "If a tree falls in a forest and nobody's around, does it make a sound?"

Could we paraphase this to read: "If a man sees an SP and nobody ever knows, does it make a wound?"

 

[Gentle2her]

In the end, my hobbying probably did our marriage a disservice only in putting a failed relationship on life support and extending it as much as several years beyond the point where it should have ended.

Again, my question. Other than to cause her great pain, what purpose would my telling her what I really do on my trips to Montreal have served?

I agree with your disservice statement, and I'd like to try and answer your question to Anik.

Let's say you're in your 50s, she's in her 50s, and let's say your mariage is doomed anyway and you have known for 10 years. Would it not have been better for her (and you) to tell her what's going on earlier than later, so that both of you can rebuild your lifes? The longer you take to tell her and end the relationship, the more years you "steal" from your wife. It's easier to rebuild one's life at 40 than it is at 50 (I think).

 

[ilikemtl]

I have dated several dancers that I met at clubs. Never an SP. And they were all short-term, not very serious relationships.

I had a great time with them for the weeks they lasted. Great fanatsies come trues since these girls were hot, party girls, that really knew how to turn a guy on and to make all the other men in a room drool for them.

But ultimately, besides the sex, and me being able to show them a good time (bringing them out to dinner, hockey games, clubs, trips) there was not much there. And there's just so much partying I can do before I need to get back to work and the family..

So the fantasies ended... would I do it again...
You bet... in fact I'm working on it again...

 

[CaptRenault]

With respect to the question of whether it's a good idea to tell a wife/girlfriend about one's "outside activities," I would say no, it's not. That's just inviting trouble. On the other hand, I don't think it's wise to stay in a relationship while seeing escorts on a regular basis.

I have great respect for the intuitive powers of women. It's impossible to hide your true feelings and outside activities from them. While a woman may not always be able to figure out the specifics of her partner's outside activities, she can eventually sense when he is being unfaithful. I don't think it matters to the woman, either, whether the man is having sex with a mistress or an escort. Either way, the woman takes it as a sign of rejection.

In the face of real or suspected unfaithfulness, many women will cling to a relationship for a long time, because they are afraid of being alone (the same goes for many men). However, as Anik points out, a woman will eventually summon the will to break off a relationship that (in her view) is not working.

To those married/attached guys who see escorts on a regular basis, I would say that you will have to choose between your wife/girlfriend and your sexual freedom. For the benefit of both partners, it's probably better to make that choice sooner rather than later.

 

[HonestAbe]

While I won't reveal who, I will admit that I had several relationships within the adult entertainment industry that lasted a number of years, then got married and stayed celibate(pretty much after the first year anyway) for nearly a decade only to separate and fall back into the same scene several years ago. Of course like Billy Joel says in "Italian Restaurant", "...but you can never go back there again." I found myself much changed from who I was before I got out. I had lost touch with this newer generation of ladies to some degree, I was thinking in terms of what was important to people with kids and homes, long term security, quality of life, health, emotional well being etc... those kinds of values and desires didn't really mesh with whats important to youngsters in their early twenties.

I met and started to grow fond of a particular SP and was hoping to establish a friendship to see if anything further was possible. This was completely unplanned before we met and it was not odd to me because I had done it before and figured it would be much the same. In following time spent together I tried to show her what I could provide for her without trying to seem as if I wanted to "buy love", notice I said "love" not sex, completely different those two. But my hopes were dashed prematurely. It didn't hurt me like a breakup with an actual girlfriend or anything like that, after all I had no illusions about this industry from my past experience. I knew what she did for a living I just saw her as a person instead of an SP and was willing to accept it, for a short period of time, in the hope that MAYBE she might grow fond of me and consider leaving the industry to pursue a secure long term relationship.

The reason things didn't proceed the way I would have preferred doesn't need to be speculated about, its not the point, let it suffice to say that she had previous plans that I was unaware of and I wasn't about to get down on bended knee at this early juncture. In my past relationships we had slowly gotten to know each other and over a period of months, became intimate, progressing to the point where after a year or so we became exclusive to each other sexually. Thats how it works for me, and I think for most people. So it made no sense at all to push anything at this point since there wasn't even anything to hold on to other than our appointments which while memorable, were paid for, and really meant very little in the way of long term compatibility on a real down to earth level. So I just let it go although I will always have pleasant memories of her.

I would speculate that what I have to offer now is probably more appealing to women my own age than the younger ones I am inclined to date and "hobby" with. IMO few young women appreciate a well refined gentleman who will take them to nice places and share fond, intimate moments with them, NOT ALL, but few, in my experience. I see them mostly looking to "sucker" guys into buying them drinks so they can get as wasted as possible and create drama in some seedy club where young men will get into physical altercations over who gets to bang them tonight. Its a shame, so many young women are wasting their time on these young pups when they could find real men if they would only give up their childish ways.

I have been made to wonder, openly here, if I am not giving up my own "childish ways" in my pursuit of women so much younger than myself. I guess I just don't see it as odd because age is just a number in your head and I don't feel "old". Is it wrong to want a beautiful looking woman to grace your arm? The good ones who are my age must be all taken or I must be looking in the wrong places. Where do beautiful 40 year old women hang out anyways? At home with their kids right? So what other options does an older guy have but to look at the younger age group?

So all I can say is I was dissapointed, but in a way that you are dissapointed when you meet a girl several times and both of you truly enjoy each others company so you think of asking her out only to find out she is already in a relationship. Not the kind of dissapointment that makes you listen to Country Music.