Joke Thread

[Regular Guy]

A Bic?

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota*opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.** Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box,** he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.** 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.*?* Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....* flying directly overhead.Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy,* * I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'* Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing.* * Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

 

[naughtylady]

God Takes a Holiday

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!

 

[Shiver MeTimber]

Hygiene First

"We Specialize In Hygiene", said the sign at the bread shop.


The customer was delighted when she saw the baker pick up her rolls with a pair of tongs and put them in a bag.

"Untouched by human hands!", said the baker.

"Very good!" said the customer, "but tell me, what is that piece of string hanging out of your fly?"

"Hygiene!", said the baker. "When I have a pee I pull it out with the string. My hand never touches my pud."

"How do you put it back?", asked the customer.

With the tongs", replied the baker.

 

[lgna69xxx]

How to get rid of a one night stand (for the ladies)

http://showing.com/video/4904/How-to-Get-Rid-of-Him/

 

[Shiver MeTimber]

Irishman

Two British businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.



One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."



No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"



One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."



Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You’re doing well...only two left!"

 

[Doc Holliday]

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

 

[Hornee]

Job Hunt

An unemployed man goes into an employment office in Halifax to search for a job. He sees a card on the wall advertising a job for a "Gyencologist's Assistant". He figures that he should more facts about the job so he asks the clerk.

The clerk says, "Just a minute, I will call the details up on the computer."

The clerk then says, 'Well the job involves you helping the women off with their panties, getting them up on the table and making them comfortable. Then you have to apply shaving cream to their pubic area and shave their pubic hair off. You then have to apply lotions and cream to the pubic area and rub it in to get the ladies ready for the gynecologist's visit and Oh the job pays $45,000 per year."

The man says "Wow, that sounds good!"

The clerk says "But you have to go to Moncton, NB and that is 400 miles from here."

The man says "Oh the job is in Moncton?"

The clerk answers, "No, that is where the end of the line is!"

 

[Regular Guy]

Have we had this one yet?

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about
those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those
meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.. How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A- R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W- L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-@-# * *

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A-$-$-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh@#
and A$$ Kissing that will put you
over the top.

 

[Regular Guy]

Whoops!

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her:

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

 

[Nugie]

Sorry if this has been posted in another form before, but I'm not reading 30 pages of jokes to find it.
**********************************************************

God is pissed. Royally pissed. He's so angry, he decides that he's going to destroy the world. In fact, he's so disgusted with people, he doesn't even want to talk to everyone, he just decides to tell some of humanity's "leaders". He summons George W. Bush, Hu Jintao, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Heaven and gives them the news. They go back to Earth.

George Bush gets on Fox News and says, "I have a message from the almighty to the freedom loving peoples of the world. There's good news, and there's bad news. The bad news is: God's going to destroy the world. The good news is: We were right all along! There actually IS a God!"

Hu Jintao has military trucks with loudspeakers, broadcasting the press conference to the one billion Chinese without access to a television. "I have a message. There is bad news and there is really, really terrible news. The bad news is: God's going to destroy the world. The terrible news is: We were wrong. All this time, and there actually IS a God..."

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gets on Al-Jazeera and announces, "Allahu Akbar! I have some bad news but I have some really fantastic news. The bad news is: Allah is going to destroy the world. The really fantastic news is: He's finally helping us to get rid of all the Jews!"

 

[naughtylady]

Smart Sister

One evening during a poker game, a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army.

"But, wait a minute," said one listener. "Your sister will have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?" asked another poker player.

The first man shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Sure. But who is gonna tell?"

 

[naughtylady]

Once Again got to admire those old ladies!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They

couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just

walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a

gallon of paint. He then stopped b y the feed store and picked up a couple of

chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a

problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who

told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603

Mockingbird Lane ?

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that

house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady

suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket

in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other

hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in

no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow

without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley

you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with

me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two

chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against

the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the

paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

 

[Doc Holliday]

Alcohol is bad for your legs

A man goes into a cocktail bar & approaches Maxine, sitting by herself:

Man: "May i buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine: "No thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Maxine: "No, they spread."

 

[Doc Holliday]

Brings a tear to your eye

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I miss mine.'

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

[Regular Guy]

Something else that brings a tear to your eye

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it!)

 

[Shiver MeTimber]

More Redneck Literature

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son


Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

 

[naughtylady]

One for you and one for me

On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery."

He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shooo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is."

But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

 

[naughtylady]

Endearments

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

 

[Regular Guy]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing front teeth,

Excuthe me mithter! Do you keep widdle wabbits?

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on one knee
so he is at her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and
futhy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that
cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says
in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit!"

 

[naughtylady]

Lawyer Jokes

Q: What is the definition a "Lucky Break?"
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "Crying Shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.